If you are a woman with kids who divorced at 40+, how are things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I have no interest in using custody as a bargaining chip, and I don't think that anyone really suggested that, just suggested that I be careful that my husband doesn't do that. I don't think he would, and I really want my children to have great relationships with both of us. I admit I would much prefer to be the primary custodial parent, but I am trying to think of what is best for the kids - I really have no idea if it's better for them to have 50/50 or a primary place. I doubt he would be okay with me doing primary custody because he is really into the kids and has been very hands on. Honestly, I still very much love my husband too so this makes it incredibly painful and I don't want to increase the pain for anyone, especially my kids. I know that if we divorce, my feelings likely will change, but I really want to focus on having something good for my kids, who need their dad.

As far as whether he's had an affair, I don't know. I have suspicions about an emotional connection with a coworker, but he really just seems to be angry at me because we have had a difficult marriage at times with getting into fights over dumb things, not really working through things, etc.

I just want to not collapse and feel like there is hope after all of this. I realize I shouldn't just try to find a new husband ASAP, but I really crave companionship and love and having someone to talk to. I can wait for that for years if need be, but I will be devastated if I end up alone for the rest of my life. Especially because of all of my free time without my amazing children. I guess this sounds pathetic, but I am in a pretty sad and pathetic place right now.

So tell him (truthfully) that it's best for his kids to have both of their parents in the home. Tell him you still love him. Tell him you want to stay together and you are willing to do whatever it takes. WHATEVER it takes. And he is free to take all the time he needs.

You can always change your mind later if you decide you can't stay with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I have no interest in using custody as a bargaining chip, and I don't think that anyone really suggested that, just suggested that I be careful that my husband doesn't do that. I don't think he would, and I really want my children to have great relationships with both of us. I admit I would much prefer to be the primary custodial parent, but I am trying to think of what is best for the kids - I really have no idea if it's better for them to have 50/50 or a primary place. I doubt he would be okay with me doing primary custody because he is really into the kids and has been very hands on. Honestly, I still very much love my husband too so this makes it incredibly painful and I don't want to increase the pain for anyone, especially my kids. I know that if we divorce, my feelings likely will change, but I really want to focus on having something good for my kids, who need their dad.

As far as whether he's had an affair, I don't know. I have suspicions about an emotional connection with a coworker, but he really just seems to be angry at me because we have had a difficult marriage at times with getting into fights over dumb things, not really working through things, etc.

I just want to not collapse and feel like there is hope after all of this. I realize I shouldn't just try to find a new husband ASAP, but I really crave companionship and love and having someone to talk to. I can wait for that for years if need be, but I will be devastated if I end up alone for the rest of my life. Especially because of all of my free time without my amazing children. I guess this sounds pathetic, but I am in a pretty sad and pathetic place right now.

So tell him (truthfully) that it's best for his kids to have both of their parents in the home. Tell him you still love him. Tell him you want to stay together and you are willing to do whatever it takes. WHATEVER it takes. And he is free to take all the time he needs.

You can always change your mind later if you decide you can't stay with him.

I have told him this. Hundreds of times now. I have sincerely apologized for my role in this because of how he feels. I have told him how much a family means to me and the kids. I just can't make him love me and want to stay. As I mentioned, I have really tried absolutely everything to make this right or persuade him to want to stay. I am willing to go through as much pain as is necessary to do whatever possible, but he just isn't right now. So I am trying to save myself from falling completely apart by trying to think of the possibility that the future without him can be okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I have no interest in using custody as a bargaining chip, and I don't think that anyone really suggested that, just suggested that I be careful that my husband doesn't do that. I don't think he would, and I really want my children to have great relationships with both of us. I admit I would much prefer to be the primary custodial parent, but I am trying to think of what is best for the kids - I really have no idea if it's better for them to have 50/50 or a primary place. I doubt he would be okay with me doing primary custody because he is really into the kids and has been very hands on. Honestly, I still very much love my husband too so this makes it incredibly painful and I don't want to increase the pain for anyone, especially my kids. I know that if we divorce, my feelings likely will change, but I really want to focus on having something good for my kids, who need their dad.

As far as whether he's had an affair, I don't know. I have suspicions about an emotional connection with a coworker, but he really just seems to be angry at me because we have had a difficult marriage at times with getting into fights over dumb things, not really working through things, etc.

I just want to not collapse and feel like there is hope after all of this. I realize I shouldn't just try to find a new husband ASAP, but I really crave companionship and love and having someone to talk to. I can wait for that for years if need be, but I will be devastated if I end up alone for the rest of my life. Especially because of all of my free time without my amazing children. I guess this sounds pathetic, but I am in a pretty sad and pathetic place right now.

So tell him (truthfully) that it's best for his kids to have both of their parents in the home. Tell him you still love him. Tell him you want to stay together and you are willing to do whatever it takes. WHATEVER it takes. And he is free to take all the time he needs.

You can always change your mind later if you decide you can't stay with him.

I have told him this. Hundreds of times now. I have sincerely apologized for my role in this because of how he feels. I have told him how much a family means to me and the kids. I just can't make him love me and want to stay. As I mentioned, I have really tried absolutely everything to make this right or persuade him to want to stay. I am willing to go through as much pain as is necessary to do whatever possible, but he just isn't right now. So I am trying to save myself from falling completely apart by trying to think of the possibility that the future without him can be okay.

I've been there, really worked to address the issues my spouse saw in our marriage, but the reality was that spouse just didn't want to be with me. And the longer I tried the worse my spouse acted. It takes two people to make a marriage, and if one person has already moved on the other person has to let go. I'm sorry, it is very hard, but no matter what you will get through. And this time next year your life will be so much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I have no interest in using custody as a bargaining chip, and I don't think that anyone really suggested that, just suggested that I be careful that my husband doesn't do that. I don't think he would, and I really want my children to have great relationships with both of us. I admit I would much prefer to be the primary custodial parent, but I am trying to think of what is best for the kids - I really have no idea if it's better for them to have 50/50 or a primary place. I doubt he would be okay with me doing primary custody because he is really into the kids and has been very hands on. Honestly, I still very much love my husband too so this makes it incredibly painful and I don't want to increase the pain for anyone, especially my kids. I know that if we divorce, my feelings likely will change, but I really want to focus on having something good for my kids, who need their dad.

As far as whether he's had an affair, I don't know. I have suspicions about an emotional connection with a coworker, but he really just seems to be angry at me because we have had a difficult marriage at times with getting into fights over dumb things, not really working through things, etc.

I just want to not collapse and feel like there is hope after all of this. I realize I shouldn't just try to find a new husband ASAP, but I really crave companionship and love and having someone to talk to. I can wait for that for years if need be, but I will be devastated if I end up alone for the rest of my life. Especially because of all of my free time without my amazing children. I guess this sounds pathetic, but I am in a pretty sad and pathetic place right now.

So tell him (truthfully) that it's best for his kids to have both of their parents in the home. Tell him you still love him. Tell him you want to stay together and you are willing to do whatever it takes. WHATEVER it takes. And he is free to take all the time he needs.

You can always change your mind later if you decide you can't stay with him.

I have told him this. Hundreds of times now. I have sincerely apologized for my role in this because of how he feels. I have told him how much a family means to me and the kids. I just can't make him love me and want to stay. As I mentioned, I have really tried absolutely everything to make this right or persuade him to want to stay. I am willing to go through as much pain as is necessary to do whatever possible, but he just isn't right now. So I am trying to save myself from falling completely apart by trying to think of the possibility that the future without him can be okay.

OP, I have been there too. My husband threw in the towel because of petty fights and married life just being harder than he expected. I tried everything, including begging him to stay. All that happened is that he left anyway and lost respect for me in the process. Worse, I lost respect for myself, especially when I later learned he had been cheating the whole time. It has been a long road back from the humiliation. I have learned that, even when you really want something, you still have to maintain your dignity. You have told him you want this marriage and are willing to fight. You have even pleaded with him. Whatever the mistakes you made before, you are not a dog. Do not drag yourself behind him like a whipped puppy. Exercise, spend time with friends, take weekend trips, got a new haircut. Do things that make you feel good and that occupy your time. Exercise, spend time with friends, take weekend trips, got a new haircut. Do things that make you feel good and that occupy your time. Be kind to him and act like the loving wife/mother your family deserves, but remember that the ball is in his court now to either save his marriage and family, or let it all fall apart. All the begging in the world and offering him humiliating deals in which you tolerate cheating will not bring back a husband who is determined to leave. and speak to a lawyer. I did not until it was too late. I am also dealing with the after effects of that mistake.

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update. So, it turns out that my husband had an affair with a coworker. He admitted to it and claims it is all over and now he wants us to stay together and he loves me more than anything, etc., etc. So I guess he is not divorcing me today or this month, but now I am left with a whole other mess to sort through. All of my worries about breaking up and not having my kids around are still true, and I obviously knew I wasn't perfect before. But his actions are just so much to take. So, so much. As I wrote about earlier, I tried so hard and laid myself bare for him and all the while he was betraying me in the worst way.

I really hope this is the low point of my 40s and that things can only go up from here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. So, it turns out that my husband had an affair with a coworker. He admitted to it and claims it is all over and now he wants us to stay together and he loves me more than anything, etc., etc. So I guess he is not divorcing me today or this month, but now I am left with a whole other mess to sort through. All of my worries about breaking up and not having my kids around are still true, and I obviously knew I wasn't perfect before. But his actions are just so much to take. So, so much. As I wrote about earlier, I tried so hard and laid myself bare for him and all the while he was betraying me in the worst way.

I really hope this is the low point of my 40s and that things can only go up from here!

OP, I made the post above yours on 08/05 at 14:05. Your situation is turning out exactly like mine. As I mentioned in that post, my ex was cheating the whole time too. I am going to tell you another thing: Your husband wants to stay because SHE ended things and now, he needs emotional support as he grieves the loss of the other woman. I know this is hard to hear and he might have told you different, but I promise he is coming back to you because things didn't work out with the coworker when he wanted them to. You might want to stay in the marriage, but this will not be the last time you deal with infidelity. He would have left you if she would have him. That tells you the value he doesn't place on your marriage and maintaining an intact family for his kids. That disregard for you will surface again, so get ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. So, it turns out that my husband had an affair with a coworker. He admitted to it and claims it is all over and now he wants us to stay together and he loves me more than anything, etc., etc. So I guess he is not divorcing me today or this month, but now I am left with a whole other mess to sort through. All of my worries about breaking up and not having my kids around are still true, and I obviously knew I wasn't perfect before. But his actions are just so much to take. So, so much. As I wrote about earlier, I tried so hard and laid myself bare for him and all the while he was betraying me in the worst way.

I really hope this is the low point of my 40s and that things can only go up from here!

Perhaps this can be a catalyst for a better more honest marriage. Affairs do not happen in a vacuum. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. So, it turns out that my husband had an affair with a coworker. He admitted to it and claims it is all over and now he wants us to stay together and he loves me more than anything, etc., etc. So I guess he is not divorcing me today or this month, but now I am left with a whole other mess to sort through. All of my worries about breaking up and not having my kids around are still true, and I obviously knew I wasn't perfect before. But his actions are just so much to take. So, so much. As I wrote about earlier, I tried so hard and laid myself bare for him and all the while he was betraying me in the worst way.

I really hope this is the low point of my 40s and that things can only go up from here!

I would go on the infidelity board on marriage builders, there are a lot of stories on there. Is he still working with the co-worker? If so I would proceed with caution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, If he has no money, and he likes being with the kids, why don't you make him a deal? He's probably unhappy and wants to leave because he is having an affair. Can you steel yourself for this and let him go sow his wild oats? Just sleep separately until he figures out what he wants? The seven year itch will probably run its course and maybe he'll decide to stay with his family. IF that is what you want.

I divorced my cheater and I'm glad I did - but that's because the lies and gaslighting were so cruel. But what if you choose simply not to engage? Don't ask, don't tell, no lies.

I couldn't do it but you indicated you are doing "everything you can" to save the marriage. What if you tried this?

Absolutely terrible advice.

OP deserves better than to stay with a cheater who has checked out of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. So, it turns out that my husband had an affair with a coworker. He admitted to it and claims it is all over and now he wants us to stay together and he loves me more than anything, etc., etc. So I guess he is not divorcing me today or this month, but now I am left with a whole other mess to sort through. All of my worries about breaking up and not having my kids around are still true, and I obviously knew I wasn't perfect before. But his actions are just so much to take. So, so much. As I wrote about earlier, I tried so hard and laid myself bare for him and all the while he was betraying me in the worst way.

I really hope this is the low point of my 40s and that things can only go up from here!

I would go on the infidelity board on marriage builders, there are a lot of stories on there. Is he still working with the co-worker? If so I would proceed with caution.

If it is not the coworker today, it will be someone else tomorrow. He was willing to leave his family over this affair and only decided to stay when the affair ended. OP's marriage is on borrowed time and the dumbest thing she can do is fail to realize that. Her husband is only going to stay until he has the next bird in hand, at which point he is out. Whether that is the kind of marriage OP wants is up to her. Some women will keep a man on any terms they can get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get in shape, honey. A beautiful woman can attract a man at any age. Get your husband to pay for you to have work done (pretend it is for him) if necessary.

deceitful....

Everyone does this. Survival of the fittest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get in shape, honey. A beautiful woman can attract a man at any age. Get your husband to pay for you to have work done (pretend it is for him) if necessary.

deceitful....

Everyone does this. Survival of the fittest.

This is why men should never pay for boob jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get in shape, honey. A beautiful woman can attract a man at any age. Get your husband to pay for you to have work done (pretend it is for him) if necessary.

deceitful....

Everyone does this. Survival of the fittest.

This is why men should never pay for boob jobs.

But they do. Deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. So, it turns out that my husband had an affair with a coworker. He admitted to it and claims it is all over and now he wants us to stay together and he loves me more than anything, etc., etc. So I guess he is not divorcing me today or this month, but now I am left with a whole other mess to sort through. All of my worries about breaking up and not having my kids around are still true, and I obviously knew I wasn't perfect before. But his actions are just so much to take. So, so much. As I wrote about earlier, I tried so hard and laid myself bare for him and all the while he was betraying me in the worst way.

I really hope this is the low point of my 40s and that things can only go up from here!

New poster. I haven't read through all of these replies. But this sounds like me too.

Please proceed cautiously. Take care of yourself. This is going to be so difficult. I'm sorry. I don't believe that many happy marriages emerge from these messes.

I don't know why people do things like this to betray their loved ones and break up their families. It will always be a mystery to me. I'm sorry he did this to you.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Who knows what actually happened with the affair. It was ongoing when I discovered it (via looking at his phone one day in a fit of desperation) and I think he might be telling the truth that it is over. Of course, he lied before and he absolutely could be lying now. I do know that they still work for the same company but immediately upon me confronting him/him admitting it, he requested a transfer within his company and he is now not working with her. I verified this by going to his office and talking to his new coworkers. I did that by just coming by to try to meet the new team and get coffee with my husband. Before, she sat right next to him and now her office is in another building from him and his new coworkers were talking about their team and how they don't interact with the other division he just left. All of that said, he could totally still be lying to me or he could do something like this again. For now, it's like he is back to being himself now - he is acting like himself again for the first time in almost a year, which is apparently when the emotional aspect of the affair began. For now, he claims to be doing whatever I need, and he made it so that my iPad gets the same texts he gets at the same time and is okay with me popping by unannounced for a quick coffee break or looking at credit card bills and anything else I can think of. Again - I know he could have some sort of burner phone or other way of contacting other women, and this is very soon after discovery.

So I am not living in fantasy land at all. Some people get past cheating and some people don't. I don't know which camp I am in right now. And if I stay, there will likely always be some element of doubt and insecurity, which is far from ideal.