Reply to If you are a woman with kids who divorced at 40+, how are things?

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Reply to "If you are a woman with kids who divorced at 40+, how are things?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP again.  I have no interest in using custody as a bargaining chip, and I don't think that anyone really suggested that, just suggested that I be careful that my husband doesn't do that.  I don't think he would, and I really want my children to have great relationships with both of us.  I admit I would much prefer to be the primary custodial parent, but I am trying to think of what is best for the kids - I really have no idea if it's better for them to have 50/50 or a primary place.  I doubt he would be okay with me doing primary custody because he is really into the kids and has been very hands on.  Honestly, I still very much love my husband too so this makes it incredibly painful and I don't want to increase the pain for anyone, especially my kids.  I know that if we divorce, my feelings likely will change, but I really want to focus on having something good for my kids, who need their dad.

As far as whether he's had an affair, I don't know.  I have suspicions about an emotional connection with a coworker, but he really just seems to be angry at me because we have had a difficult marriage at times with getting into fights over dumb things, not really working through things, etc.

I just want to not collapse and feel like there is hope after all of this.  I realize I shouldn't just try to find a new husband ASAP, but I really crave companionship and love and having someone to talk to.  I can wait for that for years if need be, but I will be devastated if I end up alone for the rest of my life.  Especially because of all of my free time without my amazing children.  I guess this sounds pathetic, but I am in a pretty sad and pathetic place right now.[/quote]

So tell him (truthfully) that it's best for his kids to have both of their parents in the home.  Tell him you still love him.  Tell him you want to stay together and you are willing to do whatever it takes.  WHATEVER it takes.  And he is free to take all the time he needs.

You can always change your mind later if you decide you can't stay with him.  [/quote]

I have told him this.  Hundreds of times now.  I have sincerely apologized for my role in this because of how he feels.  I have told him how much a family means to me and the kids.  I just can't make him love me and want to stay.  As I mentioned, I have really tried absolutely everything to make this right or persuade him to want to stay.  I am willing to go through as much pain as is necessary to do whatever possible, but he just isn't right now.  So I am trying to save myself from falling completely apart by trying to think of the possibility that the future without him can be okay.  [/quote]

OP, I have been there too.  My husband threw in the towel because of petty fights and married life just being harder than he expected.  I tried everything, including begging him to stay.  All that happened is that he left anyway and lost respect for me in the process.  Worse, I lost respect for myself, especially when I later learned he had been cheating the whole time.  It has been a long road back from the humiliation.  I have learned that, even when you really want something, you still have to maintain your dignity.  You have told him you want this marriage and are willing to fight.  You have even pleaded with him. Whatever the mistakes you made before, you are not a dog.  Do not  drag yourself behind him like a whipped puppy.  Exercise, spend time with friends, take weekend trips, got a new haircut. Do things that make you feel good and that occupy your time.  Exercise, spend time with friends, take weekend trips, got a new haircut. Do things that make you feel good and that occupy your time.  Be kind to him and act like the loving wife/mother your family deserves, but remember that the ball is in his court now to either save his marriage and family, or let it all fall apart.  All the begging in the world and offering him humiliating deals in which you tolerate cheating will not bring back a husband who is determined to leave.  and speak to a lawyer. I did not until it was too late.   I am also dealing with the after effects of that mistake.[/quote]

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