If you are a woman with kids who divorced at 40+, how are things?

[Anonymous]

OP back again. He will want 50/50 custody. He is extremely hands on and does not think I am really necessary to his taking care of the kids. And he has no money so there's nothing for me to try to get. Everyone is right, though, that you can't tell how bad a divorce can get. I think he is a good man but I also didn't think he would leave me.

[Anonymous]

Terrible advice being given.

If you follow some of this advice, you will get the short end of the stick.

[Anonymous]

Is he just saying he fell out of love with you? Or is there anger, and conflict?

[Anonymous]

I didn't say he wouldn't try I said he probably really doesn't want 50/50 so don't stress yourself out too much. He very well might use it as a bargaining chip but take the long view.

When push comes to shove he's going to want his time. Taking care of toddlers is not for the faint of heart.

Don't allow the fear of 50/50 stop you from seeking out and being pro-active in your search for the best counsel you can find.

These are not 10 and 12 year olds these are babies who need constant supervision. Get yourself to a lawyer now. You have way more leverage than you think do to the nature of their ages.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope that the divorce is not awful -- but even when two people try to be civil and have the best of intentions, it is an adversarial and heart wrenching process.

I divorced two years ago (separated four years ago) and life is good. Really, really good. I am surrounded by a group of wonderful, caring, and fun friends that feel like a family to me. My son is thriving despite having a couple of rough years adjusting. The divorce is behind me now.

The hard part is finding time to take care of myself -- and even more difficult is figuring out what I want for myself. I am dating (I'm 50) and that's been quite an experience. The reality is that dating with toddlers is not easy. Babysitters are outrageously expensive and it's hard to set aside money for dating when there are bills to pay, etc.

You will survive 50/50 custody. In fact, if you and your ex can coparent somewhat effectively, you may grow to really appreciate it. Co parenting is much tougher with infants and toddlers. You can not control sleep schedules, restrict diets, or enforce napping when you are not with your kid. That part sucks. But, you will have time to recharge your batteries on your days off. You can schedule social activities on those days. You will be a more engaged parent when you are with your kids.

Hang in there. I do second the vote for a good therapist, though.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. Everyone is telling OP the tricks for getting another man. OP should work on getting herself together and finding her own happiness. Otherwise she will latch on to the first person who comes along and be in a rebound relationship or marriage.

I totally agree. Getting another man is not the area OP needs to be focusing on at this time.

[Anonymous]

You are in the same situation that I was in 9 years ago. Focus on getting your new life situated (setting up your own home; figuring out finances; parenting when you are alone, etc). I suggest just not dating for at least a year. Give yourself time to make a life for yourself and your kids.

I'm remarried for 5 years now and we both have custody of our 2 kids and I kind of wish I had stayed single. It was so much fun to date when my kids were gone every other weekend and my house with just my kids was really comfortable and low stress. There is a lot of stress when you are living with someone else's kids (and I really like my SKs).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again. He will want 50/50 custody. He is extremely hands on and does not think I am really necessary to his taking care of the kids. And he has no money so there's nothing for me to try to get. Everyone is right, though, that you can't tell how bad a divorce can get. I think he is a good man but I also didn't think he would leave me.

You might think he has nothing, but soon financial matters like child support, how to split retirement savings, who keeps paying the mortgage/rent/utilities, how to split the kids' needs beyond child support, whether they get day care or nanny and what kind of day care will crop up. You really need a lawyer's help because you have no concept at all of divorce finances. There are a lot of broke men using custody to strongarm their wives into, for instance, not seeking reimbursement for child-related expenses these wives incur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get in shape, honey. A beautiful woman can attract a man at any age. Get your husband to pay for you to have work done (pretend it is for him) if necessary.

deceitful....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By all means seek out the counsel of the best attorney you can find. Don't worry about cost, roll attorney's fees into your settlement but don't let the custody stress you out too much any man who wants to leave you after 17 years and 2 small children under 3 more than likely isn't interested in 50/50 custody. He wants freedom and fun most likely with someone new and that someone new more than likely doesn't want your toddlers to mess up the fun. Take care of yourself and look out for yourself. Best of luck to you.

Terrible advice. Speaking as an attorney, men seek full and half custody not because they want custody but to use it as a bargaining chip to blackmail the wife into a lower financial settlement than she would have otherwise gotten. Far too many women sit around depressed while their husbands are planning divorces. Then when divorce rolls around, these women are caught completely unawares and trying to play catch-up against a well-prepared husband. OP, you have some dark days ahead if you keep sitting around feeling sorry for yourself or trying to save a marriage to a man who is done with you. You are better off than most women in that you know your husband wants a divorce. You are probably wondering why he has not filed yet and may be seeing this as a sign of hope. In all likelihood, nothing is further from the truth. He is very likely taking this time before filing to get all his ducks in a row and prepare to overwhelm you in a legal battle. Lawyer up now. You do not have to tell him that you are going to see a lawyer. This way, if he really is at all interested in reconciling, that can still be an option. But you can hold out hope for the best and continue to fight for your marriage, while planning for the worst. You have children and they are young. Put on your big girl panties now.

Divorced here, I agree.

Also OP, start squirrelling away a little cash. An extra $50 back on the groceries, $100 from the ATM..... Keep it someplace where he won't find it.

Also read this thread: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/190333.page

This is great advice. Best of luck OP! I am so sorry you are going through this, and I hope that you find yourself in a better place once you get through this rough spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the positive stories, I really need them right now. He told me he wanted to leave months ago and he still feels the same way so I am just waiting for the night he comes home and packs his things. As I mentioned, I have tried everything and he just isn't receptive and just doesn't want to try. The thought of not being with my kids is devastating too - my youngest is only a year old and I just can't imagine losing half her time. She's my baby. How can I lose that time with her - it is so precious with all of the firsts and learning. She is like a sparkling light. And the older one will be so, so upset and that is just heartbreaking too and I want to be around every day to hear her creative stories and infectious laugh. Everything makes me cry and I just want to know there is some hope and I can pick up the million tiny pieces. I am able to keep it together in front of the kids, but as soon as they go to sleep I am a mess, and I am finding it hard to concentrate at work. And I know he doesn't care. Sorry for the rant - obviously I am not in a good place right now.

I guess one upside to this is I have dropped a ton of weight because I have no appetite and I was only around 10 pounds over my ideal weight anyway. My stomach, on the other hand, is not that great because I have not focused on exercise since I had the second baby. Maybe I can start working on that as a distraction.

Thanks again and keep the positive stories coming! They really, really help.

Yeah Divorce!!! Life is going to be so much better after you divorce! No bad husband. Plenty of "me" time. Lots of dating and multiple sex partners (but only casually). The children will be better off. Life will be... just... THE BEST!!! Go for it girl!! YOU ROCK!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope that the divorce is not awful -- but even when two people try to be civil and have the best of intentions, it is an adversarial and heart wrenching process.

I divorced two years ago (separated four years ago) and life is good. Really, really good. I am surrounded by a group of wonderful, caring, and fun friends that feel like a family to me. My son is thriving despite having a couple of rough years adjusting. The divorce is behind me now.

The hard part is finding time to take care of myself -- and even more difficult is figuring out what I want for myself. I am dating (I'm 50) and that's been quite an experience. The reality is that dating with toddlers is not easy. Babysitters are outrageously expensive and it's hard to set aside money for dating when there are bills to pay, etc.

You will survive 50/50 custody. In fact, if you and your ex can coparent somewhat effectively, you may grow to really appreciate it. Co parenting is much tougher with infants and toddlers. You can not control sleep schedules, restrict diets, or enforce napping when you are not with your kid. That part sucks. But, you will have time to recharge your batteries on your days off. You can schedule social activities on those days. You will be a more engaged parent when you are with your kids.

Hang in there. I do second the vote for a good therapist, though.

Hummm... is it about her much?

coparenting is a myth... time with the father is "her day off" My guess is she see the divorce as a way to get a built in baby sitter who pays her rather than her having to pay him...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a man whose wife gained 45 pounds since marriage, this thread has motivated me to stop walking on eggshells around my wife's sensitive feeling on her weight gain. Oh sure she has "tried" to lose weight. I can guarantee you (just like the posts above) that she'd be dropping 50 pounds to renter the dating market. So why not for her current husband? Does it really take me divorcing her to get off her lazy butt?

Maybe it takes getting away from an asshole to increase her motivation and make her realize she's worth it.

Right.
Of course it must be a husband's fault when a wife gets fat and can't lose the pounds.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. My parents divorced when I was eight or so. I don't know the reasons behind it, I didn't attend any court sessions, my understanding was it was a contentious divorce. Whatever the reasons, my parents did the 50/50 custody arrangement, and it worked fine after I had adjusted.

I can not imagine going through life only seeing one of my parents for a weekend a month, or two weeks in the summer, or however that works. The fact that the OP is being encouraged to use her children as a bargaining chip sickens me, having gone through it.

I have two kids of my own. My wife and I have a great marriage, and I know you can't predict the future, but I have a hard time imagining things going badly at this point. My kids are young and drive me insane most of the time (they're at that age) but I would fight like hell for every minute I could possibly have with them if need be. I'd hope their mother would be the same way. The idea of withholding them from one parent or the other, absent some sort of abuse, is abhorrent.

[Anonymous]

Divorcing someone with such little children is a whole different game to divorcing someone with an 8 year old.

Doesn't sound like OP has much say in what can be a truly financially ruinous decision.

Regardless of who has how much time at that age full time daycare/nanny needs to be paid for and in this area it isn't cheap. Thousands of dollars a month just for childcare alone. We are not even getting into health insurance etc., and the need to set up two separate households.

I think there is a reason most people on this board wait to divorce until their children are a bit older. But if he is going to do it she would be wise to consult an attorney who can assist her in making sure she comes out in the best situation possible.