If you are a woman with kids who divorced at 40+, how are things?

[Anonymous]

As a man whose wife gained 45 pounds since marriage, this thread has motivated me to stop walking on eggshells around my wife's sensitive feeling on her weight gain. Oh sure she has "tried" to lose weight. I can guarantee you (just like the posts above) that she'd be dropping 50 pounds to renter the dating market. So why not for her current husband? Does it really take me divorcing her to get off her lazy butt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a man whose wife gained 45 pounds since marriage, this thread has motivated me to stop walking on eggshells around my wife's sensitive feeling on her weight gain. Oh sure she has "tried" to lose weight. I can guarantee you (just like the posts above) that she'd be dropping 50 pounds to renter the dating market. So why not for her current husband? Does it really take me divorcing her to get off her lazy butt?

We're hijacking this thread, but my wife is the same way. So she wore a bikini the two times she went on Spring Break and had guys salivating, now its an old woman bathing suit. And if we divorced, that weight would come off.

[Anonymous]

Okay, let me slip this in before the thread goes completely to garbage.

OP, life gets better with each season. My children are happy; our household, relaxed. The nasty husband voice is out of my head at last! I am at peace. Nah, I'm actually kind of giddy! I have viewed my 40s as a second adolescence. I'm new! I get to make choices again. Life is bigger. The first couple of years weren't great because I stopped prioritizing myself. So let all of this boob job business serve as a reminder for you not to let yourself go. I'm back on track, but I'd hope you'd spare yourself the burden of course correction.

Everything is good on this side of things. If you have any specific concerns, I'm happy to share more of my experience.

Whatever you do, try not to be afraid.

[Anonymous]

OP, this change and change can be terrifying.

I found that when terrible things happen to me, it really helps if I just take a step back, a deep breath and try to accept it as my new reality. That doesn't mean don't grieve or be sad, but allow yourself to absorb the truth of it.

As in yes, I have cancer. I really do. And I am going to fight it.
Or when my dad was dying, I just had to keep telling myself that yes, my father was dying, but I wasn't.

I guess what I'm saying is don't rail against it and bemoan it. Accept it and move on to making the most of your new reality.

If it helps, my mom left my dad when she was fifty and was remarried within a year.

[Anonymous]

Me, me, me! I'm 42, am single and have 2 kids (13 and 11). Let me just say that this is going to be what you make it, sweets.

I'm happy, I have friends and yes, my kids are a lot older than yours but I get to go out when they're with their dad and have some "me" time to do the things I like doing. My g/friends are what keep me laughing and living life to the full and my kids are what make me happy. Take this time to get to know yourself again : find a sport you like, take up hobbies, learn new things, meet new people. Make this an opportunity, not a schlepp you have to drag yourself through.

You're not out there looking for a new man, you're just out there living and taking it easy on yourself so you have time to heal. And you will. You're going to be ok.

You.are.going.to.be.ok. Repeat after me...

Give yourself a break, be kind to yourself and pick your days where you CHOOSE to be happy until most days become happy ones all by themselves. If you do meet someone, take your time to get to know them but don't expect someone to come and save you. You can do this alone. Really. You can. If you meet someone who makes you happy, then take that path.

Whatever happens, you can handle it. This is an adventure. Have fun with it.
xxx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this change and change can be terrifying.

I found that when terrible things happen to me, it really helps if I just take a step back, a deep breath and try to accept it as my new reality. That doesn't mean don't grieve or be sad, but allow yourself to absorb the truth of it.

As in yes, I have cancer. I really do. And I am going to fight it.
Or when my dad was dying, I just had to keep telling myself that yes, my father was dying, but I wasn't.

I guess what I'm saying is don't rail against it and bemoan it. Accept it and move on to making the most of your new reality.

If it helps, my mom left my dad when she was fifty and was remarried within a year.

First, good luck with your cancer fight. Second, doesn't say a lot about your mom if she was remarried within a year. Probably had her eye on the next husband for a while, surprised your dad by leaving, and then your dad was alone in the long run.

[Anonymous]

I'm 43 with a preschooler and my spouse had an affair and left. Life is pretty good. I never had much of a social life when I was married. I've probably done more fun social stuff in the year since we split than I did in the 5 previous years. We do 50/50 custody and I feel like I have so much free time. When we were together, I could go out but it was an endless negotiation, and now I can do what I want in my free time.

I'm average looking and I feel like dating has been pretty easy. I have someone I see casually for companionship and sex, and it's a good situation. And I"m also dating other people to see who is out there (I'm honest with everyone about my situation). I find dating in my 40s so much easier than it was before my marriage. I'm more confident, and I no longer have the desperate need to find "the one" that I did in my late 20s and early 30s.

[Anonymous]

Definilty get skinny. I am about 50lbs over weight, size 14 and even men as fat as me ignore me. Too many thin women in this area so men don't have to chose. I did match only very fat men contacted me.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You sound like a really nice and grounded person who will find happiness if your marriage doesn't last. I know many people who have found the loves of their life after divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the positive stories, I really need them right now. He told me he wanted to leave months ago and he still feels the same way so I am just waiting for the night he comes home and packs his things. As I mentioned, I have tried everything and he just isn't receptive and just doesn't want to try. The thought of not being with my kids is devastating too - my youngest is only a year old and I just can't imagine losing half her time. She's my baby. How can I lose that time with her - it is so precious with all of the firsts and learning. She is like a sparkling light. And the older one will be so, so upset and that is just heartbreaking too and I want to be around every day to hear her creative stories and infectious laugh. Everything makes me cry and I just want to know there is some hope and I can pick up the million tiny pieces. I am able to keep it together in front of the kids, but as soon as they go to sleep I am a mess, and I am finding it hard to concentrate at work. And I know he doesn't care. Sorry for the rant - obviously I am not in a good place right now.

I guess one upside to this is I have dropped a ton of weight because I have no appetite and I was only around 10 pounds over my ideal weight anyway. My stomach, on the other hand, is not that great because I have not focused on exercise since I had the second baby. Maybe I can start working on that as a distraction.

Thanks again and keep the positive stories coming! They really, really help.

[Anonymous]

Life is going to flow by regardless.

So wouldn't you rather be away from a man who doesn't appreciate and love you the way you deserve?? Even if you are living alone, it still won't be as bad as being in an unfulfilled marriage.

And if you do end up with someone new, well...that is only the icing on the cake. A nice bonus.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are in the catbird's seat regarding finding someone new that will make you forget the ex in 20 seconds as dating is the one area of life where women truly have it over men.

You can walk into a bar and leave with someone anytime you want. You can go online and get responses from dozens of men in seconds. Sure, many will be copy and pastes, dick pictures, and guys living in their mother's basement, but at least one of them has to be decent. One of my neighbors, a plain Jane got divorced and she had a different guy pulling into her driveway every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a man whose wife gained 45 pounds since marriage, this thread has motivated me to stop walking on eggshells around my wife's sensitive feeling on her weight gain. Oh sure she has "tried" to lose weight. I can guarantee you (just like the posts above) that she'd be dropping 50 pounds to renter the dating market. So why not for her current husband? Does it really take me divorcing her to get off her lazy butt?

We're hijacking this thread, but my wife is the same way. So she wore a bikini the two times she went on Spring Break and had guys salivating, now its an old woman bathing suit. And if we divorced, that weight would come off.

Absolutely!

Do the women posting realize what they are saying?

[Anonymous]

OP, Im so sorry you are going through this. Do you think he's seeing someone else? Seems odd that after 17 years, and with a baby, your husband would check out. Was he on board with child #2? If so, his feelings must have shifted fast. I also think its terrible to divorce when your kids are so young--absent abuse, addiction, etc--just because its such a hard time on a marriage.

[Anonymous]

My mother divorced my alcoholic father 20 years ago when she was 40. She was a stay at home mom, but she was so strong though out the whole process. With the sale of the house she was able to buy a small home for us that needed A LOT of work. While she was looking for a job she ran an in home daycare and then was able to get a job at the schools. She is now 60 and never remarried, but she has a great relationship with all my siblings and is my best friend. She always put us first and I can really see that now that I am older. I really do think she is happy.