If you are a woman with kids who divorced at 40+, how are things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm remarried for 5 years now and we both have custody of our 2 kids and I kind of wish I had stayed single

Take note, fellas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. My parents divorced when I was eight or so. I don't know the reasons behind it, I didn't attend any court sessions, my understanding was it was a contentious divorce. Whatever the reasons, my parents did the 50/50 custody arrangement, and it worked fine after I had adjusted.

I can not imagine going through life only seeing one of my parents for a weekend a month, or two weeks in the summer, or however that works. The fact that the OP is being encouraged to use her children as a bargaining chip sickens me, having gone through it.

I have two kids of my own. My wife and I have a great marriage, and I know you can't predict the future, but I have a hard time imagining things going badly at this point. My kids are young and drive me insane most of the time (they're at that age) but I would fight like hell for every minute I could possibly have with them if need be. I'd hope their mother would be the same way. The idea of withholding them from one parent or the other, absent some sort of abuse, is abhorrent.

Please quote the post in which people say that she should use her children as bargaining chips.

See, what I read here is people letting her know that her **husband** may try to use custody as a bargaining chip. But clearly, you read something very different. So, please point out the post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a man whose wife gained 45 pounds since marriage, this thread has motivated me to stop walking on eggshells around my wife's sensitive feeling on her weight gain. Oh sure she has "tried" to lose weight. I can guarantee you (just like the posts above) that she'd be dropping 50 pounds to renter the dating market. So why not for her current husband? Does it really take me divorcing her to get off her lazy butt?

Maybe it takes getting away from an asshole to increase her motivation and make her realize she's worth it.

Right.
Of course it must be a husband's fault when a wife gets fat and can't lose the pounds.

You have made only a handful of posts and one can already tell that you are an unsupportive, grade A asshole. Anyone who takes up with you is definitely lugging around excess weight: You.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm remarried for 5 years now and we both have custody of our 2 kids and I kind of wish I had stayed single

Take note, fellas.

well why not? endless free meals, guys reaffirming her appeal. beats cleaning up after someone else and dealing with the stepkids and ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm remarried for 5 years now and we both have custody of our 2 kids and I kind of wish I had stayed single

Take note, fellas.

well why not? endless free meals, guys reaffirming her appeal. beats cleaning up after someone else and dealing with the stepkids and ex.

NP. I am on my first marriage and I wish with all my heart that I stayed single. Most men are utterly useless. At least back in the day, they were needed for their paychecks. Now that women work, marrying one of these louts is a huge mistake. I look at my idiot DH and know I could do better if he disappeared and I had a nanny and housekeeper in his place. I could have sex with hot men and go from one to the next without putting up with BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP when you get out on the dating scene date older unless all you want is sex. My ex wife is traffic stopping hot 45 years old has easily had the attn of men 15 years younger. i told her to date older if she wanted a relationship she was not having it. At least 3 guys all 36-40 all very good looking, jobs, etc..her friends were flipped out how hot they were,,anyway. 5 dates tops or after sex and it was over. Think about it if a hot dude even your same age is single who is he going to want to date?? a hottie 10 years younger than he is.. now he may want to bang a MILF type as a temporary thing but if he has is going on looks, job etc why would he date same age or older when younger is out there? Ex is now looking at guys 10 years older she learned her lesson

^^Ignore this guy. Older man threatened by changing social norms that open a wider range of partners to women. How like a bitter older ex-husband to suggest all younger men only want older women for sex. Assuming your story is even true, have you considered that your ex wife just has bad taste in men (she chose you!)?

Threatened? Men age like fine wine, women age like milk.

Only older men say this. The only thing older men have over younger men is more $$$.

[Anonymous]

I got divorced in my late 30s with a 7 mth old and a 2.5 yr old. My X was a lovely cheater. We did 50/50 (virtually impossible to get a judge not to in VA). It killed me at first and I cried when the kids were away. My 7 mth old was extremely attached to me too. After a few months, when the shock wore off, things slowly got better. When your marriage is bad, there's a negative undercurrent in the household. You are probably on eggshells and not enjoying life like you should. It was hard parenting solo with such small kids, especially overnight if one or both were sick. As the kids got older and our schedule was stable, things got much better. My X sees the kids every day during the week and we do every other weekend.

As for myself, I do love having my me time now. I can get errands done when the kids are with their dad so when they are with me, I can focus more on them.

Personally, I haven't dated at all snd it's been 6 yrs. I just don't want to be bothered (personal choice). I'm tired and don't want another human to worry about ;0

You do need to get smart about the pending divorce. Why are you just waiting or being a sitting duck until he takes action? Get your finances in order, have a consultation with a lawyer so you know what you're entitled to or how things can play out. I felt like I was having an out of body experience when I was in the lawyer's office. However, it was super empowering to take action during a time when I was mentally and emotionally low. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My sister is about 6 months out from divorcing her husband after 17 years and she has a 6 yo DS. Sounds like she was in a similar situation where she really loved her DH and wanted to make things work but he was intent on leaving. After a lot of anger and then depression and sadness, she finally accepted it and is moving on. Her DS has had some issues and she has a therapist for him. She's finally at a stage where she is realizing that this was for the best (she's seeing many of his issues that she was blind to before). She was able to keep her house after buying him out of his half and refinancing. She has a strong support system of mom friends, a few who are sadly in the same boat. And of course she has her family. It has a been an emotional roller coaster for her over the past 2 years since he first told her he wanted out, but she is 100% OK and you will be too. She is 44 years old, has a job she loves, and at some point will start dating again. Try not to think about the future so much, and concentrate on one day at a time. She would get really overwhelmed when her mind raced ahead to all the future what-ifs. She now has a civil, almost amicable relationship with her ex, he has 50% custody which they agreed to, and were about to divorce with mostly a mediator and minimal lawyer involvement. She has let go of her anger and has moved on, and you will too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. My parents divorced when I was eight or so. I don't know the reasons behind it, I didn't attend any court sessions, my understanding was it was a contentious divorce. Whatever the reasons, my parents did the 50/50 custody arrangement, and it worked fine after I had adjusted.

I can not imagine going through life only seeing one of my parents for a weekend a month, or two weeks in the summer, or however that works. The fact that the OP is being encouraged to use her children as a bargaining chip sickens me, having gone through it.

I have two kids of my own. My wife and I have a great marriage, and I know you can't predict the future, but I have a hard time imagining things going badly at this point. My kids are young and drive me insane most of the time (they're at that age) but I would fight like hell for every minute I could possibly have with them if need be. I'd hope their mother would be the same way. The idea of withholding them from one parent or the other, absent some sort of abuse, is abhorrent.

Wait, where is OP being encouraged to use her kids as a bargaining chip??? I see advice that indicates that it's usually the husbands who see the kids as leverage to a better financial deal: "Speaking as an attorney, men seek full and half custody not because they want custody but to use it as a bargaining chip to blackmail the wife into a lower financial settlement than she would have otherwise gotten"

[Anonymous]

OP, If he has no money, and he likes being with the kids, why don't you make him a deal? He's probably unhappy and wants to leave because he is having an affair. Can you steel yourself for this and let him go sow his wild oats? Just sleep separately until he figures out what he wants? The seven year itch will probably run its course and maybe he'll decide to stay with his family. IF that is what you want.

I divorced my cheater and I'm glad I did - but that's because the lies and gaslighting were so cruel. But what if you choose simply not to engage? Don't ask, don't tell, no lies.

I couldn't do it but you indicated you are doing "everything you can" to save the marriage. What if you tried this?

[Anonymous]

OP again. I have no interest in using custody as a bargaining chip, and I don't think that anyone really suggested that, just suggested that I be careful that my husband doesn't do that. I don't think he would, and I really want my children to have great relationships with both of us. I admit I would much prefer to be the primary custodial parent, but I am trying to think of what is best for the kids - I really have no idea if it's better for them to have 50/50 or a primary place. I doubt he would be okay with me doing primary custody because he is really into the kids and has been very hands on. Honestly, I still very much love my husband too so this makes it incredibly painful and I don't want to increase the pain for anyone, especially my kids. I know that if we divorce, my feelings likely will change, but I really want to focus on having something good for my kids, who need their dad.

As far as whether he's had an affair, I don't know. I have suspicions about an emotional connection with a coworker, but he really just seems to be angry at me because we have had a difficult marriage at times with getting into fights over dumb things, not really working through things, etc.

I just want to not collapse and feel like there is hope after all of this. I realize I shouldn't just try to find a new husband ASAP, but I really crave companionship and love and having someone to talk to. I can wait for that for years if need be, but I will be devastated if I end up alone for the rest of my life. Especially because of all of my free time without my amazing children. I guess this sounds pathetic, but I am in a pretty sad and pathetic place right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm remarried for 5 years now and we both have custody of our 2 kids and I kind of wish I had stayed single

Take note, fellas.

well why not? endless free meals, guys reaffirming her appeal. beats cleaning up after someone else and dealing with the stepkids and ex.

That's why you don't buy 'em dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
NP. I am on my first marriage and I wish with all my heart that I stayed single. Most men are utterly useless. At least back in the day, they were needed for their paychecks. Now that women work, marrying one of these louts is a huge mistake. I look at my idiot DH and know I could do better if he disappeared and I had a nanny and housekeeper in his place. I could have sex with hot men and go from one to the next without putting up with BS.

You chose him. Go save your pity party for place else. Also, check back in on your dating life when you're dry and wrinkled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Threatened? Men age like fine wine, women age like milk.

Only older men say this. The only thing older men have over younger men is more $$$.

Well duh, were you born yesterday? Have you seen all the "how do I attract a rich man" threats here?

[Anonymous]

Re: what kind of custody. As a divorced mom of a young child, I think whatever keeps the child/parent relationship the most similar is best for the kid. With two involved parents, joint custody works really well (in my experience, even though it can be hard). If he was an involved dad, I would say it might be best for you to have primary, but think how hard it would be to go from having a dad who was really involved to one who you only see every other weekend and Wednesday night.

You will not be alone for the rest of your life! It's a normal worry, but it isn't realistic. I agree with those who say that you shouldn't get in a serious relationship soon after leaving (I promised myself that I'd go at least a year from the end of our separation before considering something serious), but I think casual dating can be really good to show you that other people are out there and that you are desirable. Good luck, I know how hard it is.