If you are a woman with kids who divorced at 40+, how are things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the positive stories, I really need them right now. He told me he wanted to leave months ago and he still feels the same way so I am just waiting for the night he comes home and packs his things. As I mentioned, I have tried everything and he just isn't receptive and just doesn't want to try. The thought of not being with my kids is devastating too - my youngest is only a year old and I just can't imagine losing half her time. She's my baby. How can I lose that time with her - it is so precious with all of the firsts and learning. She is like a sparkling light. And the older one will be so, so upset and that is just heartbreaking too and I want to be around every day to hear her creative stories and infectious laugh. Everything makes me cry and I just want to know there is some hope and I can pick up the million tiny pieces. I am able to keep it together in front of the kids, but as soon as they go to sleep I am a mess, and I am finding it hard to concentrate at work. And I know he doesn't care. Sorry for the rant - obviously I am not in a good place right now.

I guess one upside to this is I have dropped a ton of weight because I have no appetite and I was only around 10 pounds over my ideal weight anyway. My stomach, on the other hand, is not that great because I have not focused on exercise since I had the second baby. Maybe I can start working on that as a distraction.

Thanks again and keep the positive stories coming! They really, really help.

OP, you need to go see a family/divorce lawyer now[u] and start planning on how to get primary custody of your kids. I have a one year old as well, and if my husband was checking out and wanted to divorce me, there is no way in hell I could comprehend seeing my gorgeous baby only 50/50. He wants to leave, so he'll have to take the hit on custody. Go see a lawyer!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the positive stories, I really need them right now. He told me he wanted to leave months ago and he still feels the same way so I am just waiting for the night he comes home and packs his things. As I mentioned, I have tried everything and he just isn't receptive and just doesn't want to try. The thought of not being with my kids is devastating too - my youngest is only a year old and I just can't imagine losing half her time. She's my baby. How can I lose that time with her - it is so precious with all of the firsts and learning. She is like a sparkling light. And the older one will be so, so upset and that is just heartbreaking too and I want to be around every day to hear her creative stories and infectious laugh. Everything makes me cry and I just want to know there is some hope and I can pick up the million tiny pieces. I am able to keep it together in front of the kids, but as soon as they go to sleep I am a mess, and I am finding it hard to concentrate at work. And I know he doesn't care. Sorry for the rant - obviously I am not in a good place right now.

I guess one upside to this is I have dropped a ton of weight because I have no appetite and I was only around 10 pounds over my ideal weight anyway. My stomach, on the other hand, is not that great because I have not focused on exercise since I had the second baby. Maybe I can start working on that as a distraction.

Thanks again and keep the positive stories coming! They really, really help.

OP, you need to go see a family/divorce lawyer now[u] and start planning on how to get primary custody of your kids. I have a one year old as well, and if my husband was checking out and wanted to divorce me, there is no way in hell I could comprehend seeing my gorgeous baby only 50/50. He wants to leave, so he'll have to take the hit on custody. Go see a lawyer!!

^^This! OP, you need to start preparing with a lawyer. A one year old baby is not ready to be separated from his mother, but your soon to be ex might very well try. People get very ugly during divorce and you do not want to be caught off guard. If not for yourself, then for your children, you have to pick yourself up and get ready for a possible fight.

[Anonymous]

OP when you get out on the dating scene date older unless all you want is sex. My ex wife is traffic stopping hot 45 years old has easily had the attn of men 15 years younger. i told her to date older if she wanted a relationship she was not having it. At least 3 guys all 36-40 all very good looking, jobs, etc..her friends were flipped out how hot they were,,anyway. 5 dates tops or after sex and it was over. Think about it if a hot dude even your same age is single who is he going to want to date?? a hottie 10 years younger than he is.. now he may want to bang a MILF type as a temporary thing but if he has is going on looks, job etc why would he date same age or older when younger is out there? Ex is now looking at guys 10 years older she learned her lesson

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definilty get skinny. I am about 50lbs over weight, size 14 and even men as fat as me ignore me. Too many thin women in this area so men don't have to chose. I did match only very fat men contacted me.

Well...what are you waiting for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are in the catbird's seat regarding finding someone new that will make you forget the ex in 20 seconds as dating is the one area of life where women truly have it over men.

Only in your youth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP when you get out on the dating scene date older unless all you want is sex. My ex wife is traffic stopping hot 45 years old has easily had the attn of men 15 years younger. i told her to date older if she wanted a relationship she was not having it. At least 3 guys all 36-40 all very good looking, jobs, etc..her friends were flipped out how hot they were,,anyway. 5 dates tops or after sex and it was over. Think about it if a hot dude even your same age is single who is he going to want to date?? a hottie 10 years younger than he is.. now he may want to bang a MILF type as a temporary thing but if he has is going on looks, job etc why would he date same age or older when younger is out there? Ex is now looking at guys 10 years older she learned her lesson

Bingo

[Anonymous]

Guy here. Everyone is telling OP the tricks for getting another man. OP should work on getting herself together and finding her own happiness. Otherwise she will latch on to the first person who comes along and be in a rebound relationship or marriage.

You will be ok. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a man whose wife gained 45 pounds since marriage, this thread has motivated me to stop walking on eggshells around my wife's sensitive feeling on her weight gain. Oh sure she has "tried" to lose weight. I can guarantee you (just like the posts above) that she'd be dropping 50 pounds to renter the dating market. So why not for her current husband? Does it really take me divorcing her to get off her lazy butt?

Maybe it takes getting away from an asshole to increase her motivation and make her realize she's worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the positive stories, I really need them right now. He told me he wanted to leave months ago and he still feels the same way so I am just waiting for the night he comes home and packs his things. As I mentioned, I have tried everything and he just isn't receptive and just doesn't want to try. The thought of not being with my kids is devastating too - my youngest is only a year old and I just can't imagine losing half her time. She's my baby. How can I lose that time with her - it is so precious with all of the firsts and learning. She is like a sparkling light. And the older one will be so, so upset and that is just heartbreaking too and I want to be around every day to hear her creative stories and infectious laugh. Everything makes me cry and I just want to know there is some hope and I can pick up the million tiny pieces. I am able to keep it together in front of the kids, but as soon as they go to sleep I am a mess, and I am finding it hard to concentrate at work. And I know he doesn't care. Sorry for the rant - obviously I am not in a good place right now.

I guess one upside to this is I have dropped a ton of weight because I have no appetite and I was only around 10 pounds over my ideal weight anyway. My stomach, on the other hand, is not that great because I have not focused on exercise since I had the second baby. Maybe I can start working on that as a distraction.

Thanks again and keep the positive stories coming! They really, really help.

OP, you need to go see a family/divorce lawyer now[u] and start planning on how to get primary custody of your kids. I have a one year old as well, and if my husband was checking out and wanted to divorce me, there is no way in hell I could comprehend seeing my gorgeous baby only 50/50. He wants to leave, so he'll have to take the hit on custody. Go see a lawyer!!

By all means seek out the counsel of the best attorney you can find. Don't worry about cost, roll attorney's fees into your settlement but don't let the custody stress you out too much any man who wants to leave you after 17 years and 2 small children under 3 more than likely isn't interested in 50/50 custody. He wants freedom and fun most likely with someone new and that someone new more than likely doesn't want your toddlers to mess up the fun. Take care of yourself and look out for yourself. Best of luck to you.

^^This! OP, you need to start preparing with a lawyer. A one year old baby is not ready to be separated from his mother, but your soon to be ex might very well try. People get very ugly during divorce and you do not want to be caught off guard. If not for yourself, then for your children, you have to pick yourself up and get ready for a possible fight.

[Anonymous]

By all means seek out the counsel of the best attorney you can find. Don't worry about cost, roll attorney's fees into your settlement but don't let the custody stress you out too much any man who wants to leave you after 17 years and 2 small children under 3 more than likely isn't interested in 50/50 custody. He wants freedom and fun most likely with someone new and that someone new more than likely doesn't want your toddlers to mess up the fun. Take care of yourself and look out for yourself. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. Everyone is telling OP the tricks for getting another man. OP should work on getting herself together and finding her own happiness. Otherwise she will latch on to the first person who comes along and be in a rebound relationship or marriage.

You will be ok. Good luck.

Agree with this. Also, the prior folks counseling you to go see a lawyer now are right. You need to take control of a few things here OP - whether or not your husband leaves. But especially if you think he's planning to then he is probably actively PLANNING. And you need to be doing the same.

Buck up, make plans and get some good legal advice. Thoughts about dating come waaaay down the line. Right now you need a plan for financial stability, housing, custody, etc...

You will feel better about everything, no matter what happens, if you feel prepared and able to cope. Legal advice is the first best step. (And maybe securing some money in a protected account somewhere if you don't already have that.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP when you get out on the dating scene date older unless all you want is sex. My ex wife is traffic stopping hot 45 years old has easily had the attn of men 15 years younger. i told her to date older if she wanted a relationship she was not having it. At least 3 guys all 36-40 all very good looking, jobs, etc..her friends were flipped out how hot they were,,anyway. 5 dates tops or after sex and it was over. Think about it if a hot dude even your same age is single who is he going to want to date?? a hottie 10 years younger than he is.. now he may want to bang a MILF type as a temporary thing but if he has is going on looks, job etc why would he date same age or older when younger is out there? Ex is now looking at guys 10 years older she learned her lesson

^^Ignore this guy. Older man threatened by changing social norms that open a wider range of partners to women. How like a bitter older ex-husband to suggest all younger men only want older women for sex. Assuming your story is even true, have you considered that your ex wife just has bad taste in men (she chose you!)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By all means seek out the counsel of the best attorney you can find. Don't worry about cost, roll attorney's fees into your settlement but don't let the custody stress you out too much any man who wants to leave you after 17 years and 2 small children under 3 more than likely isn't interested in 50/50 custody. He wants freedom and fun most likely with someone new and that someone new more than likely doesn't want your toddlers to mess up the fun. Take care of yourself and look out for yourself. Best of luck to you.

Terrible advice. Speaking as an attorney, men seek full and half custody not because they want custody but to use it as a bargaining chip to blackmail the wife into a lower financial settlement than she would have otherwise gotten. Far too many women sit around depressed while their husbands are planning divorces. Then when divorce rolls around, these women are caught completely unawares and trying to play catch-up against a well-prepared husband. OP, you have some dark days ahead if you keep sitting around feeling sorry for yourself or trying to save a marriage to a man who is done with you. You are better off than most women in that you know your husband wants a divorce. You are probably wondering why he has not filed yet and may be seeing this as a sign of hope. In all likelihood, nothing is further from the truth. He is very likely taking this time before filing to get all his ducks in a row and prepare to overwhelm you in a legal battle. Lawyer up now. You do not have to tell him that you are going to see a lawyer. This way, if he really is at all interested in reconciling, that can still be an option. But you can hold out hope for the best and continue to fight for your marriage, while planning for the worst. You have children and they are young. Put on your big girl panties now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP when you get out on the dating scene date older unless all you want is sex. My ex wife is traffic stopping hot 45 years old has easily had the attn of men 15 years younger. i told her to date older if she wanted a relationship she was not having it. At least 3 guys all 36-40 all very good looking, jobs, etc..her friends were flipped out how hot they were,,anyway. 5 dates tops or after sex and it was over. Think about it if a hot dude even your same age is single who is he going to want to date?? a hottie 10 years younger than he is.. now he may want to bang a MILF type as a temporary thing but if he has is going on looks, job etc why would he date same age or older when younger is out there? Ex is now looking at guys 10 years older she learned her lesson

^^Ignore this guy. Older man threatened by changing social norms that open a wider range of partners to women. How like a bitter older ex-husband to suggest all younger men only want older women for sex. Assuming your story is even true, have you considered that your ex wife just has bad taste in men (she chose you!)?

Threatened? Men age like fine wine, women age like milk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By all means seek out the counsel of the best attorney you can find. Don't worry about cost, roll attorney's fees into your settlement but don't let the custody stress you out too much any man who wants to leave you after 17 years and 2 small children under 3 more than likely isn't interested in 50/50 custody. He wants freedom and fun most likely with someone new and that someone new more than likely doesn't want your toddlers to mess up the fun. Take care of yourself and look out for yourself. Best of luck to you.

Terrible advice. Speaking as an attorney, men seek full and half custody not because they want custody but to use it as a bargaining chip to blackmail the wife into a lower financial settlement than she would have otherwise gotten. Far too many women sit around depressed while their husbands are planning divorces. Then when divorce rolls around, these women are caught completely unawares and trying to play catch-up against a well-prepared husband. OP, you have some dark days ahead if you keep sitting around feeling sorry for yourself or trying to save a marriage to a man who is done with you. You are better off than most women in that you know your husband wants a divorce. You are probably wondering why he has not filed yet and may be seeing this as a sign of hope. In all likelihood, nothing is further from the truth. He is very likely taking this time before filing to get all his ducks in a row and prepare to overwhelm you in a legal battle. Lawyer up now. You do not have to tell him that you are going to see a lawyer. This way, if he really is at all interested in reconciling, that can still be an option. But you can hold out hope for the best and continue to fight for your marriage, while planning for the worst. You have children and they are young. Put on your big girl panties now.

Divorced here, I agree.

Also OP, start squirrelling away a little cash. An extra $50 back on the groceries, $100 from the ATM..... Keep it someplace where he won't find it.

Also read this thread: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/190333.page