Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes you can believe in that sentiment and still think it is crazy not to attend the wedding. As a pp so nicely said, it's not about an attendance sheet, it's about sharing in your joys and sorrows with those closest to you. I would be disappointed if my nephew were not at my wedding, and as the sister it would be very important to me that my family and I be at my sister's wedding. Not because ai want to check some imaginary box, but because I'd want to share in her joy!

But in this scenario, your son doesn't want to go to the wedding at all. And if you make him go, he will be angry and disappointed. It won't be a joyous family scene at all.

Then you explain to him that if he wants his family to reciprocate and be there to celebrate his graduation, or confirmation, or 16th birthday or what ever, that this is how your family works.

It is incredibly unfair to put it back on him. His sister isn't in this predicament because their mom thought to check her schedule and made sure the date fit. She couldn't be bothered or somehow forgot to do it for him and he should be the one making a choice and suffering the consequences? That's a lot of guilt to put on a 14-year-old boy who had no control over the situation. He's already facing a terribly hard choice through no fault of him own, I think that's more than enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm waiting for the parents of preschoolers/babies to infiltrate this thread with their outrage.
Your sister is right. Your nephew can't miss this tournament.

+1 and if my kids were preschoolers/babies/3rd graders, I would totally be on the flip side of this. But now that I've got kids on team sports *and they are older* I do see the problem here as legitimate.

The key here is we are talking about a team sport.

When kids are little, missing a practice or game really no big deal. But by the time they are 14, on a team sport, each kid has a position and there's various plays and they've all got their part in it. The team depends on each kid--in clubs or travel teams, they are not fungible at 14 y.o.

So the kid might be penalized in the future for not showing up--because the coach recognizes that no matter how great his talent, the family cannot be depended on, therefore the kid can't be depended on to show up. And it goes against all the band-of-brothers training and bonding.

And look, it's not like when tournament day was selected, the kid opted out and they worked around him--no, it was the bad luck of your sister to give you the green light about the bad date. So by now the kid is probably a crucial part of the whole team working well.

I have to hand it to you--you are handling it well and assuming you are childless, you are handling it extraordinarily well.

I don't buy into this rationale. This rationale applies to the husband or wife who perpetually cannot miss a work thing - come on, they made a commitment and are an integral player and it could impact their career - to attend a kid's recital. It's about priorities.

I'm 36 years old. If I went to my h.s. tennis match instead of my aunt's wedding, looking back with my adult perspective I'd feel like a real jerk and that was a mistake. Because although I'm a tremendous advocate of competitive sports and teams, what was that one tennis match compared to the family wedding? I barely can remember any of the particular matches and, in my current life, despite being a damn good h.s. tennis player, it's not like playing a h.s. sport has much importance in the overall scheme of life, whereas family surely does. I think this is called getting caught up in the here and now and losing the big picture!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm waiting for the parents of preschoolers/babies to infiltrate this thread with their outrage.
Your sister is right. Your nephew can't miss this tournament.

+1 and if my kids were preschoolers/babies/3rd graders, I would totally be on the flip side of this. But now that I've got kids on team sports *and they are older* I do see the problem here as legitimate.

The key here is we are talking about a team sport.

When kids are little, missing a practice or game really no big deal. But by the time they are 14, on a team sport, each kid has a position and there's various plays and they've all got their part in it. The team depends on each kid--in clubs or travel teams, they are not fungible at 14 y.o.

So the kid might be penalized in the future for not showing up--because the coach recognizes that no matter how great his talent, the family cannot be depended on, therefore the kid can't be depended on to show up. And it goes against all the band-of-brothers training and bonding.

And look, it's not like when tournament day was selected, the kid opted out and they worked around him--no, it was the bad luck of your sister to give you the green light about the bad date. So by now the kid is probably a crucial part of the whole team working well.

I have to hand it to you--you are handling it well and assuming you are childless, you are handling it extraordinarily well.

So here's two stories that show decisions I would have never made:

I've got two DCs who are very good in a team sport. The older DC had a string of bad breaks--was sick, got injured, then had some school conflicts, etc. Over this past 4 day weekend we were going to visit cousins. By that time she'd missed so much that I stayed home with her and let DH take my other DC. I felt horrible but also felt to miss more would be to betray her team, not live up to her commitment to that team, leave the team weakened, and, sure, possibly ruin her chances on getting play time or being on the team in the future.

The second DC's story is that last spring, her team made it to the national finals in another state. The kids and I had gone cross country to my hometown for the summer, and my DH flew out from WDC and took my DC back to meet her team to play. It cost us a lot of money that we didn't want to spend, but we did it. We originally weren't going to do it, but the team did not want to go unless our kid went; they said they'd never win without her. Because, again, at this age, the kids are not fungible--it's not because my DC is a superstar; it's because of the way the individual team members work together.

All this and I'm still going to agree with the preschool moms (or moms of violinists and other solo activities) here and say, YES IT'S TOTALLY F'D UP. But it is the system that is in place. And look, normally you can work your life around it. It was just that OP's sister made a mistake.

Sorry, me again, the stories are stories that illustrate decisions that I THOUGHT I would never make, until I found myself in the situation.

Also, I just saw OP's question about if it would be the same if the kids were girls, or younger. My DDs are younger than 14 but play on very competitive teams that go through a rigorous selection process. They expect the players to be at both practices and games. This is not the same situation as if they played on a House team/Rec league.

Again I do think it's F'd up, but the problem is while the House/Rec situation is much more relaxed, you are always getting kids who are brand new players, and kids who don't practice at home, or don't show up; who are doing ballet twirls instead of listening, or back talking the coach. It's frustrating for someone who is serious in that sport, because they can't get a well-functioning team and so can't work efficiently on improving their skills. There are some kids, both boys and girls, who want to be in Sparta and work with other Spartans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have high schoolers who run xc, and they would miss a tournament for a wedding. Only exception would be states.

Two of my kids are in college on athletic scholorships. They absolutely would have missed a high school race/game for a close family member's wedding. No question. And every coach I've ever known would have understood.

You people have some messed up priorities. OP- A 14 year old boy is going to choose sports over a wedding every time. But he certainly could miss the event with no lasting consequences.

The fact that you say "race" makes me think your kid doesn't play a team sport. Is that right?

I'm assuming that PP was saying race bc the other poster mentioned XC (cross country). No clue if XC calls their things races, but I too would think they would. And I've played team sports at a pretty competitive level all my life. Just not XC. I don't know what to call a rugby or badminton or crewing "game" either!

[Anonymous]

My child was made to skip a beginning season event with similar season-long consequences on the line to attend an out-of-town wedding. She was miserable until we got there and then joined in the fun with cousins, etc. She ended up having an amazing season. I know some coaches deliver on their promises regardless of the occasion, but in our case it didn't happen. It really is a tough call to make as a parent. I have a friend who is getting married (1st time) at 45 and she is dealing with a lot of this as well. It's disappointing to her because she's been to so many events for her nieces/nephews over the years (baptisms, 1st birthdays, etc.) which were important events to her siblings at the time and now they are explaining to her why their kids can't attend her wedding. OP - don't let their decision get you down! You may find yourself in the reverse situation when your nephew graduates or gets married and this will make your decision much easier!

[Anonymous]

I tend to understand where your sister is coming from, both because of the competitive nature of high school varsity sports and because it would seem unfair that the sister's schedule was considered but not the brother's schedule.

That being said, the answer really depends on the particularities of the team and coach. It would be WONDERFUL to assume that all teams and coaches are mature enough to recognize that sometimes life events happen and players need to miss a game and that they shouldn't be penalized for it. Unfortunately, that's not the case. I would say that's actually incredibly rare. So if there is even a HINT of that, I get why both the nephew and OP sister have made their decisions.

This all may sound crazy to people. And it may be screwed up values and wrong ... But unless OP's sister wants to take on the coach, it may just be the way it is.

OP, I'd be understanding and try to have a little make up celebration next time you see him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have high schoolers who run xc, and they would miss a tournament for a wedding. Only exception would be states.

Two of my kids are in college on athletic scholorships. They absolutely would have missed a high school race/game for a close family member's wedding. No question. And every coach I've ever known would have understood.

You people have some messed up priorities. OP- A 14 year old boy is going to choose sports over a wedding every time. But he certainly could miss the event with no lasting consequences.

The fact that you say "race" makes me think your kid doesn't play a team sport. Is that right?

Many sports with races are also team sports. In XC, swimming, etc. where an athlete places as an individual counts towards an overall team score.

[Anonymous]

DS starts on his school basketball team. Recently he missed the first practice he's missed all season because he was sick. He went to the doctor and was explicitly told not to go to practice. The next day (when he was much better due to the magic of antibiotics), coach benched him for half a game, which they lost by like 2 points despite DS having a monster half. I'm sure coach still thinks he did the right thing. Some coaches are like that.

I get people thinking that the wedding is more important, but DS has been practicing basketball every day since he was in 4th grade with the goal of playing HS ball. He would not miss a tournament if it would wreck his chances to do what he worked so many years for. You can say that they are kids and that this is not that important, but DS basketball career has already lasted longer than many marriages, and he's certainly worked harder at it than many people work on their marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked at the perspectives shared so far. Very enlightening for me, so I'm glad I stopped by to read.

I have not been in this situation, but I think I'd want to impart the value to my child that family comes before all else, including a sporting match. I certainly would not want to be at my brother's wedding getting asked where my son was and saying "Oh he had a wrestling match."

Yep. Poor 14 year old boy has to go to a wedding, boohoooooo!! Spoiled kids and their indulgent parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked at the perspectives shared so far. Very enlightening for me, so I'm glad I stopped by to read.

I have not been in this situation, but I think I'd want to impart the value to my child that family comes before all else, including a sporting match. I certainly would not want to be at my brother's wedding getting asked where my son was and saying "Oh he had a wrestling match."

Yep. Poor 14 year old boy has to go to a wedding, boohoooooo!! Spoiled kids and their indulgent parents.

OP's nephew had a prior commitment, which OP's sister missed when discussing dates with OP. I don't consider keeping prior commitments as spoiled/indulgent.

[Anonymous]

OP: In our school they are very vindictive if you miss a tournament for ANY reason. They just are. So nephew will be sitting on the bench unless he is a star for the rest of the season. I would let him miss the wedding.

[Anonymous]

All of this is pretty fact specific, and I would suggest that OP have sister explore the situation further.

On the side of going to the wedding you have: (a) close relationship between sisters and with niece and nephew and (b) it is a small wedding and nephew has a role if he attends (reading) so he would be missed if he does not attend.

On the sports side of things -- I would suggest the sister have a face to face meeting with the coach to get a handle on (a) where her kid stands with respect to the team; and (b) how important the tournament is to the team. A 14 year old making a varsity soccer team could be because he is a very good player or because the team is not very good. It would be important to know the role of the tournament. Is the coach using that as a way to finalize the varsity team (i.e. an extended tryout) and is the nephew on the bubble of making the team or not. Is the tournament more of an opportunity to get a first look at how the team might come together -- try and figure out who will play what positions? If it is not an extended tryout and if it is not make or break for the kid then go to the wedding for sure. The only way to know that for sure is to have the conversation.

I suspect that IF the kid is a good player the coach already has a position in mind and missing the tournament is not a huge deal. If the kid is on the bubble the ramification may be that he does not make the varsity team. As a soccer parent -- I can say that may not be a bad thing. From the parent side of things I would be more than a little leery of a 14 year old on varsity unless you are talking about a very small school that also plays other very small schools so that it is common for young kids to play on varsity. The size and strength differences between 14 year old freshmen guys and 18 year old seniors is a serious issue. That physical difference is not as apparent in the girls high school game. Also, from a team bonding thing you do have to keep a close eye out as seniors and juniors are into very different things than freshmen. It would be cool for a freshmen to be on a varsity team but the experience may not be all that great. It may well be better to be a very good player on a JV team with kids more his age. Again though, all of this is very fact specific.

[Anonymous]

So much assuming going on. Not everyone who makes a HS team has worked hard since age 5 and the OP gave zero info from her sister that suggested this was anything beyond a normal tournament (normal games could be important to them) or that the coach would act any certain way or have any position on it or that there would be a drastic negative impact. Some of you guys are conveniently setting up a false comparison: wedding or crushing the kid's efforts and sports future. I think that goes to the warped headspace many of sports parents have these days. Step back and gain some perspective. If everyone shuts up and assumes or goes along, no wonder the craziness of kid sports perpetuates. Everyone is so scared of a kid not "making it" for an activity that will end after HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone. I am very close with my sister - speak almost every day - and my niece and nephew have been close in my life since their birth. They live out of state, so I don't see them very often, but we are are a close family overall. In the scheme of families, we are all great together. Very lucky. Anyway, my niece and nephew are very into sports and great athletes. When picking a wedding date (first wedding at age 40), we avoided my niece's conflicts with some big sporting events, but my sister failed to look at my nephew's schedule. She brain farted that he had an important high school soccer tournament the weekend of the date that we were saying was a possible choice. So we picked that date, thinking we were clear of things like this, and then a few weeks later (post communicating the date out and printing invitations etc.) my sister says I made a mistake and we have a problem. She says my nephew can't come because of this soccer tournament. Not sure how that all went down - assuming he was crushed at missing the tournament (his first as a freshman on the high school varsity team) and that my sister chose not to say sorry but you now have a wedding.

Thoughts? My emotional reaction is disappointment. My intellectual reaction is who misses (or allows a kid to miss) a close family member's wedding for a damn sporting event, unless you are an Olympian. I don't put anything on a 14-yr old kid. But am really surprised at my sister's choice. I really feel for the situation - a clear inadvertent mess up by the parent (she feels horrible about it) and a kid probably so very upset about it - but cannot believe the choice. It seems the wrong value - a sporting event the kid will never remember over an important family event. But maybe I just don't get it. Sucky situation all around. Even if my nephew now comes, that's not ideal. Ugh.

Wanted to get a sanity check from strangers. Thanks!

This is a judgment, you realize. Just making that clear. It's not an "intellectual reaction" you're having, it's another emotional one. Understandable, of course, but call it what it is.

Does your nephew have a role in the wedding? Do you and he have a separate relationship, correspondence, etc. or are your feelings and judgment based on your relationship with your sister your overall feelings about the importance of family?

[Anonymous]

Also in our school system, the coach will tell you to your face "It's OK, no problem" then bench your kid for the rest of the season. I thought I was the only one until I met with a whole group of parents that told me the same thing. Coaches have a really crazy amount of power in the DC area.