Son only cousin excluded from nephew's wedding

[Anonymous]

OP hasn’t mentioned the bride’s family at all. Is this wedding being put on by the bride’s family? My DH has a small family and I have a very large one. We had an 18+ cutoff because without it we would have had to invite 10 kids between the ages of 4 and 12 who are my much younger first cousins. If my DH had been like hey can we include my cousin Larlo who is 9, my mom would have been like we can’t include cousin Larlo while excluding the 10 young cousins on our side. Her big thing was the levels had to be equal. You can include young nieces and nephews while excluding young cousins because nieces and nephews are closer, but you can’t include some young 1st cousins while excluding other young 1st cousins. We had a capacity limit and couldn’t just add 10 young cousins without having to then exclude people that we were actually close to.

OP, this really isn’t a personal slight against you and you are centering yourself way too much in the planning of this wedding.

[Anonymous]

It's fine for him to have a 16+ wedding.

It's fine for you to not go.

It doesn't mean your DS won't be close to his cousins.

Never speaking to him again is your right, but don't forget there will be consequences to your drawing a line in the sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope my kids elope for this very reason. I come from a very large family. If everyone is not invited I think it hurts peoples feelings. Gone are the days when everyone was invited. Plus the stress and money are truly not worth it. It's ONE day.

Sorry you can’t afford nice weddings for your kids.

I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope my kids elope for this very reason. I come from a very large family. If everyone is not invited I think it hurts peoples feelings. Gone are the days when everyone was invited. Plus the stress and money are truly not worth it. It's ONE day.

Agreed. Elopment or something simple and intimate. We are Asians and 500 guests is a common number for even middle class which dilutes whole experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope my kids elope for this very reason. I come from a very large family. If everyone is not invited I think it hurts peoples feelings. Gone are the days when everyone was invited. Plus the stress and money are truly not worth it. It's ONE day.

Sorry you can’t afford nice weddings for your kids.

I can.

Just because you can, doesn't mean you you have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

Well, the money wasn't irrelevant to him. It helped him pay for college. And it doesn't require a ton of keeping track as three items were large checks that could quickly be totaled in my head.

$15000 over 15 years is a pittance.

Lol no. Nephew should have stood up for his generous aunt.

Why? Did he know the money came with strings attached? Tacky giving.

This isn't really strings attached. It's a reasonable thing to include people they're close to, including their children, especially when other cousins are included. I don't agree with being a high maintenance guest. But this idea that somehow guests are supposed to deal with anything with a smile and the wedding couple is above reproach is silly.

If you're close to your sibling, I would probably just mention it to them once. I would be *livid* if I found out my son did this. I know, people would say that's overstepping, but in families that work well, we do actually care about hurting each others' feelings. The groom's parent can talk with the groom, if they want to, and the groom can either share why it won't work or perhaps make an exception. Both are ok, but no need to never discuss anything because it's "their big day".

I guess the other question is - was this nephew thankful for your earlier support? Are they otherwise kind? If so, I would also move on and not lose the relationship over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

Well, the money wasn't irrelevant to him. It helped him pay for college. And it doesn't require a ton of keeping track as three items were large checks that could quickly be totaled in my head.

$15000 over 15 years is a pittance.

Lol no. Nephew should have stood up for his generous aunt.

Why? Did he know the money came with strings attached? Tacky giving.

This isn't really strings attached. It's a reasonable thing to include people they're close to, including their children, especially when other cousins are included. I don't agree with being a high maintenance guest. But this idea that somehow guests are supposed to deal with anything with a smile and the wedding couple is above reproach is silly.

If you're close to your sibling, I would probably just mention it to them once. I would be *livid* if I found out my son did this. I know, people would say that's overstepping, but in families that work well, we do actually care about hurting each others' feelings. The groom's parent can talk with the groom, if they want to, and the groom can either share why it won't work or perhaps make an exception. Both are ok, but no need to never discuss anything because it's "their big day".

I guess the other question is - was this nephew thankful for your earlier support? Are they otherwise kind? If so, I would also move on and not lose the relationship over this.

No, not "including their children" because, guess what, they are children. That's just a rule you made up on the spot. OP's financial support was transactional. Tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I promise this is not a slight to you or your son. They can’t cater to every guest, even close family. Their wedding is about them, not about you and the gifts you have given. (Please think about what your post implied. Clearly the money wasn’t a gift because you now think it had strings attached). For one day, let them make decisions in THEIR best interests, even if you don’t understand them.
Imagine if every important person in their life wanted some accommodation at their wedding. It becomes exhausting and unnecessarily stressful trying to meet everyone’s expectations. It is one day. You can decide to attend or not to attend. But it is petty to change your gift or not talk to him because you were not made to feel special at his wedding. Repeat as many times as necessary - this decision has nothing to do with you or your child.

Op here - The money was given because I felt close to my nephew and wanted to help him. It is not so much that I expect something for it, but that this lack of invitation for my child and lack of conversation about it initiated by him indicates to me that we are not actually close at all.

I'm guessing OP is really just hurt about her nephew not reaching out and explaining (or having his mom/dad do it).

Mom of one here - who is one of the youngest in a few of our long term friend groups and family (of that generation, cousins's kids are close in age).

We've had to navigate a few invites excluding our child, and just a call or a message with a heads up and an explanation of why goes a LONG way when it's family or a close friend. Especially when it requires travel. I know it's not required at all, but it makes it feel like less of a gift grab.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you're upset, but you're majorly overreacting.

You're centering yourself and your experience, which is natural, but they aren't! They're planning an event for probably 100-200 people. They decided no children. Maybe because that's the vibe they want, maybe because there are some children (of friends, of her family) that would be really poorly behaved, maybe as a cost cutting measure. There are many totally understandable reasons for not inviting kids, and making exceptions can create major problems for the couple. You're seeing it as one extra person - but it could easily mean 20 extra guests, between your family, her family, and their friends. It's not about you or your son!

I think that what this is really about is this:

"My son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him."

The reason you're upset is that you've realized that hasn't happened. They don't have an amazing, special, sibling-like bond as you'd hoped. He's just... their much-younger cousin. And it's TOTALLY reasonable to be really, really disappointed about that, and for this wedding to be the catalyst that makes you realize that what you'd hoped for (despite your efforts and financial support) has not come to fruition. We all have hopes, some spoken, some unspoken, some realistic, some not, that don't come true. And accepting that they haven't can be really hard and can even sometimes shatter our worldview in a way that's really hard to move past. But, especially when your hopes include expectations of other people that they haven't agreed to, or maybe haven't even known about, you need to let go and move on. There's an aspect to getting past those hopes that can include anger and grief. And I think that's where you are. And if you need a little time to fully get past it, that's okay.

But during that time, don't do anything that you'll regret down the line, or anything hurtful toward people who haven't done anything wrong. Figure out, via pure logistics, what makes the most sense as far as the wedding (Son comes with and hangs in the hotel? Stays with a friend? You go and he stays home with his dad?), put on a happy face for the wedding, give a normal amount as a gift (no need to go overboard, especially if you're feeling stung, but don't be stingy).

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn’t mentioned the bride’s family at all. Is this wedding being put on by the bride’s family? My DH has a small family and I have a very large one. We had an 18+ cutoff because without it we would have had to invite 10 kids between the ages of 4 and 12 who are my much younger first cousins. If my DH had been like hey can we include my cousin Larlo who is 9, my mom would have been like we can’t include cousin Larlo while excluding the 10 young cousins on our side. Her big thing was the levels had to be equal. You can include young nieces and nephews while excluding young cousins because nieces and nephews are closer, but you can’t include some young 1st cousins while excluding other young 1st cousins. We had a capacity limit and couldn’t just add 10 young cousins without having to then exclude people that we were actually close to.

OP, this really isn’t a personal slight against you and you are centering yourself way too much in the planning of this wedding.

Yeah I bet it's soemthing like this too- unfortunately there has to be a cutoff somewhere and this is what they chose. You're hurt feelings are valid OP but I think going no contact is a huge overreaction- is that the kind of example you want to set for your son? I've barely met any of my DH's extended family because MIL has burned so many bridges over the years and is estranged from so many of them, to hear her tell it they've all slighted her in some way but that's all they really were, slights or misunderstandings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP hasn’t mentioned the bride’s family at all. Is this wedding being put on by the bride’s family? My DH has a small family and I have a very large one. We had an 18+ cutoff because without it we would have had to invite 10 kids between the ages of 4 and 12 who are my much younger first cousins. If my DH had been like hey can we include my cousin Larlo who is 9, my mom would have been like we can’t include cousin Larlo while excluding the 10 young cousins on our side. Her big thing was the levels had to be equal. You can include young nieces and nephews while excluding young cousins because nieces and nephews are closer, but you can’t include some young 1st cousins while excluding other young 1st cousins. We had a capacity limit and couldn’t just add 10 young cousins without having to then exclude people that we were actually close to.

OP, this really isn’t a personal slight against you and you are centering yourself way too much in the planning of this wedding.

You each should be able to invite the same number of people outside parents and grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

Well, the money wasn't irrelevant to him. It helped him pay for college. And it doesn't require a ton of keeping track as three items were large checks that could quickly be totaled in my head.

$15000 over 15 years is a pittance.

Lol no. Nephew should have stood up for his generous aunt.

Why? Did he know the money came with strings attached? Tacky giving.

This isn't really strings attached. It's a reasonable thing to include people they're close to, including their children, especially when other cousins are included. I don't agree with being a high maintenance guest. But this idea that somehow guests are supposed to deal with anything with a smile and the wedding couple is above reproach is silly.

If you're close to your sibling, I would probably just mention it to them once. I would be *livid* if I found out my son did this. I know, people would say that's overstepping, but in families that work well, we do actually care about hurting each others' feelings. The groom's parent can talk with the groom, if they want to, and the groom can either share why it won't work or perhaps make an exception. Both are ok, but no need to never discuss anything because it's "their big day".

I guess the other question is - was this nephew thankful for your earlier support? Are they otherwise kind? If so, I would also move on and not lose the relationship over this.

That's why we don't take money from family, especially my parents and sister as they like to control people with money. I would decline, and forget it.

[Anonymous]

OP, what you’ve learned is that your generosity has not resulted in your nephew feeling especially close to you, or wanting to take your needs into higher consideration. That can be a difficult lesson. Do not give gifts in the future, or for this wedding, intended to Improve a relationship. Your nephew obviously wasn’t brought up very well and you can’t fix that through gifting. Decline the invitation and don’t give it another thought, but don’t go no contact, that would be overreaction

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I promise this is not a slight to you or your son. They can’t cater to every guest, even close family. Their wedding is about them, not about you and the gifts you have given. (Please think about what your post implied. Clearly the money wasn’t a gift because you now think it had strings attached). For one day, let them make decisions in THEIR best interests, even if you don’t understand them.
Imagine if every important person in their life wanted some accommodation at their wedding. It becomes exhausting and unnecessarily stressful trying to meet everyone’s expectations. It is one day. You can decide to attend or not to attend. But it is petty to change your gift or not talk to him because you were not made to feel special at his wedding. Repeat as many times as necessary - this decision has nothing to do with you or your child.

Op here - The money was given because I felt close to my nephew and wanted to help him. It is not so much that I expect something for it, but that this lack of invitation for my child and lack of conversation about it initiated by him indicates to me that we are not actually close at all.

Is your nephew's family hurting financially? That sounds very generous of you but way more than I've given my nephews and nieces over the years- have you given that much to the others too or only this nephew? If they don't have a lot of money that could be another reason for a small wedding, and unfortunately kids are often the easiest to cut.

Anyway, I don't think you have to decide anything now. Take a few weeks to cool off and decide whether to still attend on your own or not. FWIW, I get not having local family or friends you're comfortable imposing on for a weekend - I don't have that either. If you don't have a readily available childcare option at the destination then you can either attend solo or send your regrets due to the lack of childcare. Send a gift comparable to what you'd send other relatives- no need to be petty but also no need to go overboard like you have been.

[Anonymous]

Slightly off-topic but your poor sister. Imagine not being able to afford sending your kid to college, accepting help from your sibling to do so, and then your kid treats the sibling like a B list invite. She must be so embarrassed.