Son only cousin excluded from nephew's wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RSVP No, small gift for wedding, no more financial support. Easy!

RSVP No. No gift. No more financial support. Easy.

Let his parents know that you don't appreciate your kid not being invited. Other things flow from that. Remind them of all the monetary gifts etc you gave over the years to their child.

You don’t remind people of gifts. Tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I promise this is not a slight to you or your son. They can’t cater to every guest, even close family. Their wedding is about them, not about you and the gifts you have given. (Please think about what your post implied. Clearly the money wasn’t a gift because you now think it had strings attached). For one day, let them make decisions in THEIR best interests, even if you don’t understand them.
Imagine if every important person in their life wanted some accommodation at their wedding. It becomes exhausting and unnecessarily stressful trying to meet everyone’s expectations. It is one day. You can decide to attend or not to attend. But it is petty to change your gift or not talk to him because you were not made to feel special at his wedding. Repeat as many times as necessary - this decision has nothing to do with you or your child.

Op here - The money was given because I felt close to my nephew and wanted to help him. It is not so much that I expect something for it, but that this lack of invitation for my child and lack of conversation about it initiated by him indicates to me that we are not actually close at all.

I agree that someone should have talked to you about it. Had someone chatted with you about the motivations (which can often be financial), you'd probably feel better about it.

Op again- if it was the insurance thing like someone upthread mentioned, that would be nice to know. But 16+ (as opposed to 21+) seems targeted to include the second youngest cousin. Is 16+ a normal cutoff? I have been to around 40 weddings and never seen 16+ on an invite before.

Does the 2nd youngest cousin have an older sibling? It makes sense to make a cutoff that keeps nuclear families in tact.

If the other family has a 16 and 18 year old, and then the bride has 10 cousins from ages 0-12, and they have a bunch of friends with kids under 10, then yeah, 16 makes perfect sense if you assume they want a kid free wedding. There is no need to make it 18+ and separate those siblings, who they correctly see as roughly the same age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t imagine missing my nephew‘s wedding, but at the same time I would be really hurt if my son wasn’t invited. Have you discussed it with your sibling? Maybe mention that you don’t think you’ll be able to make it because of your son and see if it was just an oversight.

Wow! I would miss my nephew's wedding, my sibling's wedding, my ILs's wedding in a heartbeat if my DH or my DCs are not invited. I realized I prioritize my nuclear family over others, and I expect the same for others.

In other words, can't imagine my kids having a wedding and did not invite my siblings and their families, uncles, aunts, cousins and their families, second cousins and their families. If you are poor, have a simple wedding - but it makes zero sense to exclude the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I promise this is not a slight to you or your son. They can’t cater to every guest, even close family. Their wedding is about them, not about you and the gifts you have given. (Please think about what your post implied. Clearly the money wasn’t a gift because you now think it had strings attached). For one day, let them make decisions in THEIR best interests, even if you don’t understand them.
Imagine if every important person in their life wanted some accommodation at their wedding. It becomes exhausting and unnecessarily stressful trying to meet everyone’s expectations. It is one day. You can decide to attend or not to attend. But it is petty to change your gift or not talk to him because you were not made to feel special at his wedding. Repeat as many times as necessary - this decision has nothing to do with you or your child.

Op here - The money was given because I felt close to my nephew and wanted to help him. It is not so much that I expect something for it, but that this lack of invitation for my child and lack of conversation about it initiated by him indicates to me that we are not actually close at all.

I agree that someone should have talked to you about it. Had someone chatted with you about the motivations (which can often be financial), you'd probably feel better about it.

Op again- if it was the insurance thing like someone upthread mentioned, that would be nice to know. But 16+ (as opposed to 21+) seems targeted to include the second youngest cousin. Is 16+ a normal cutoff? I have been to around 40 weddings and never seen 16+ on an invite before.

you have no idea the gaggle of kids on the bride's side

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think that what this is really about is this:

"My son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him."

The reason you're upset is that you've realized that hasn't happened. They don't have an amazing, special, sibling-like bond as you'd hoped. He's just... their much-younger cousin. And it's TOTALLY reasonable to be really, really disappointed about that, and for this wedding to be the catalyst that makes you realize that what you'd hoped for (despite your efforts and financial support) has not come to fruition. We all have hopes, some spoken, some unspoken, some realistic, some not, that don't come true. And accepting that they haven't can be really hard and can even sometimes shatter our worldview in a way that's really hard to move past. But, especially when your hopes include expectations of other people that they haven't agreed to, or maybe haven't even known about, you need to let go and move on. There's an aspect to getting past those hopes that can include anger and grief. And I think that's where you are. And if you need a little time to fully get past it, that's okay.

Op again - this is accurate. Another part that hurts and isn't reflected is that this nephew in particular is the one cousin who does take an interest in my son.

I'm the PP.

Okay. I understand, but then you need to realize this: It's not about the wedding. Your nephew has done nothing wrong here. He takes an interest in your son - that's a good thing. But he's still a much younger cousin and this is a childfree wedding.

Try to separate your emotional response to realizing that they aren't as close as you'd hoped from the wedding. Even if your nephew's mother (or whoever) says "She didn't ask or anything, but I can tell Aunt Larla is really disappointed that Larlo isn't invited - can we squeeze him in?" and your nephew says "argh, I guess" and invites your son - the fact that they're not as close as you wanted them to be will remain. IE, nothing about the wedding at this point will solve the reason you're actually hurt. So, grieve the relationship you hoped they'd have, and try to focus on the good stuff - does your son have any really close friends you a see him staying in touch with? Family friends who are becoming like family? There's plenty of ways for an only child to have tight, lifelong bonds - focus on developing those. And try to enjoy the wedding!

[Anonymous]

I hope my kids elope for this very reason. I come from a very large family. If everyone is not invited I think it hurts peoples feelings. Gone are the days when everyone was invited. Plus the stress and money are truly not worth it. It's ONE day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RSVP No, small gift for wedding, no more financial support. Easy!

RSVP No. No gift. No more financial support. Easy.

Let his parents know that you don't appreciate your kid not being invited. Other things flow from that. Remind them of all the monetary gifts etc you gave over the years to their child.

Is is astonishing that you don;t realize how self-centered and entitled this approach is. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Imagine if they make an exception for your kid. All the other guests with kids under the age limit would probably be pissed or annoyed at the least. I can understand why they didn’t decide no one under 16 except yours. I’m sorry if that hurts but there’s nothing really to be done. Just don’t attend if you’re not genuinely happy to celebrate the new couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think that what this is really about is this:

"My son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him."

The reason you're upset is that you've realized that hasn't happened. They don't have an amazing, special, sibling-like bond as you'd hoped. He's just... their much-younger cousin. And it's TOTALLY reasonable to be really, really disappointed about that, and for this wedding to be the catalyst that makes you realize that what you'd hoped for (despite your efforts and financial support) has not come to fruition. We all have hopes, some spoken, some unspoken, some realistic, some not, that don't come true. And accepting that they haven't can be really hard and can even sometimes shatter our worldview in a way that's really hard to move past. But, especially when your hopes include expectations of other people that they haven't agreed to, or maybe haven't even known about, you need to let go and move on. There's an aspect to getting past those hopes that can include anger and grief. And I think that's where you are. And if you need a little time to fully get past it, that's okay.

Op again - this is accurate. Another part that hurts and isn't reflected is that this nephew in particular is the one cousin who does take an interest in my son.

The nephew is grown up. He's getting married and about to start his own family. He won't have much use for a 9 yr old cousin, or young teen. They have nothing in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if they make an exception for your kid. All the other guests with kids under the age limit would probably be pissed or annoyed at the least. I can understand why they didn’t decide no one under 16 except yours. I’m sorry if that hurts but there’s nothing really to be done. Just don’t attend if you’re not genuinely happy to celebrate the new couple.

And they could tell those people "we couldn't leave him out, he's literally the only cousin on that side under the age limit."

They aren't obligated to do that, but they could have done that and then let those people have to swallow and accept that instead of OP having to swallow and accept DC not being invited. They made a choice, it's their right, but it signifies they don't feel a close special relationship to the OP, which is fine, and it's also fine and understandable for OP to feel hurt and not want to go.

Even if they choose to go with the firm no kids rule, really the least they could have done is called to give OP a heads up and explain the reasoning, just acknowledge it upfront. To just send the invite with the cutoff of 16, knowing that OP had assisted her nephew a lot and the nephew and her DC have some kind of relationship, is really pretty cold, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t you just post about this recently? Your only child 9yo not being invited to the wedding ceremony but being invited to the reception?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if they make an exception for your kid. All the other guests with kids under the age limit would probably be pissed or annoyed at the least. I can understand why they didn’t decide no one under 16 except yours. I’m sorry if that hurts but there’s nothing really to be done. Just don’t attend if you’re not genuinely happy to celebrate the new couple.

And they could tell those people "we couldn't leave him out, he's literally the only cousin on that side under the age limit."

They aren't obligated to do that, but they could have done that and then let those people have to swallow and accept that instead of OP having to swallow and accept DC not being invited. They made a choice, it's their right, but it signifies they don't feel a close special relationship to the OP, which is fine, and it's also fine and understandable for OP to feel hurt and not want to go.

Even if they choose to go with the firm no kids rule, really the least they could have done is called to give OP a heads up and explain the reasoning, just acknowledge it upfront. To just send the invite with the cutoff of 16, knowing that OP had assisted her nephew a lot and the nephew and her DC have some kind of relationship, is really pretty cold, IMO.

Who is they? The bride? Who's paying for this wedding? Why would they go to bat for this 9 yr old? Does the bride even know him? OP could just roll with it but that's not happenin either. OP wants to be a VIP for this wedding and just isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t you just post about this recently? Your only child 9yo not being invited to the wedding ceremony but being invited to the reception?

Good memory. That was at the kid who was supposed to hang out in the crying room for 20 mins. OP seems to be picking up on a theme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t you just post about this recently? Your only child 9yo not being invited to the wedding ceremony but being invited to the reception?

Op here - not me but thanks - I will search for that thread for other perspectives. (Though I would be happy if he was invited to reception, even if no ceremony.)

[Anonymous]

It is a child free wedding. You have a child. Either go without the child or don't go at all. You are incredibly selfish.