Stepdaughter (16) is out of control

[Anonymous]

TBH I don't think it gets better until your H changes his ways. She may make a suicide attempt if she thinks that's what it takes.

You seem determined to punish her rather than addressing the real issue which is that her father DGAF. No amount of stepmother time can make that not break her heart.

[Anonymous]

Protecting home, finances and peace: sounds like you want to pursue legal steps for her to become an emancipated minor. Otherwise, you're on the hook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Protecting home, finances and peace: sounds like you want to pursue legal steps for her to become an emancipated minor. Otherwise, you're on the hook.

It sounds like OP is giving up and wants to wash her hands of the whole thing, dump the stepdaughter on bio mom, and keep on thinking her husband isn't a horrible parent.

Hope you have good liability insurance, OP. This kid is headed for a car crash.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to think about divorcing your husband.
Get your half now before it goes in lawsuits or whatever.
This is not your rope to hold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Protecting home, finances and peace: sounds like you want to pursue legal steps for her to become an emancipated minor. Otherwise, you're on the hook.

And you’re on the hook emotionally but it sounds like neither of you want to make an effort. There is no easy fix.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to go absolutely nuclear on your husband until he opens his eyes and intervenes. Sex strike, cooking strike, everything strike, total brick wall. If he has to quit his job or take FMLA leave, that's what he should do. Because his daughter's life is more precious than any job could be. And it'll be on your conscience forever if you continue to enable him. You can't do this for him! The child needs her father. Not a stepmother who pities her and grudgingly picks up the slack because her father ignores her.

If she's drinking and drugging and taking the car, HER LIFE IS AT RISK.

[Anonymous]

Im a stepmom and I dont understand why the solution was to send her to her moms. If its dads custody time, she should be at your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im a stepmom and I dont understand why the solution was to send her to her moms. If its dads custody time, she should be at your house.

It's a solution for the dad and the stepmom, because they don't want to deal with her.

[Anonymous]

Protecting your peace my a$$, the person who needs protecting here is your 16 year old SD. Your husband sounds like a complete POS and OP you are not recognizing how dangerous and self destructive SD’s behaviors are. You and her mom need to take that big law money and get SD into residential treatment ASAP.

I can’t believe that you sent her away to protect your peace. Wow. Wake up. Be the adult in the room. Your SD didn’t get to this place overnight and it’s gone to a level that needs serious intervention. Tell your husband he needs to participate in family therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your DH needs to see this as the crisis it is and step back from work hours as much as possible. What would be worse…her death or him changing jobs? She is on the road to addiction and death now. This will NOT get better on its own.

You get lots of credit from me for the parenting you have done with her older siblings. It is clear that you are an involved and caring stepmom. But you should not have had to most of your DH’s 50%. Some kids can get by with a lousy dad because they don’t have as many challenges or the have better internal external supports. But his youngest daughter will not survive these year unscathed with an absent and distant dad.

Practical things you both can do if he will actually make parenting his daughter his PRIORITY on all of his days and weekends:

1) If she won’t turn over her devices, turn off your home WiFi and cut off the data plan for the phone

2) Keys stay in a locked safe at all times.

3) Family dinner every night, no devices.

4) Dad and daughter have to do life together. He has to be the one to take her running errands. Shop with her. If he has to go into work on a weekend, she comes to the office and helps. Basically, they need to have a relationship again. That starts with the basics of existing together without devices.

5) is there anything that makes her smile? Anything she likes to do? Anything she is proud of? Anything she looks forward to? Build on her strengths and what she enjoys.

6) the biggest question your DH has to ask himself each day right now - EACH day - is “How and I going to connect with my daughter today? Where can I find chances for connection?” Could be texting her from work, sending her something funny, taking her out to dinner solo, etc.

7) give her an opportunity to earn money in some way, or help her find one. What does she do well? Build on that.

Unfortunately, I’ve talked to my husband multiple times about cutting back on work, but he’s not willing to do it. Over the last 10 years, I’ve taken on most of the parenting, and this is a new situation for us. The other kids weren’t like this, so her mom and I are trying to figure things out. His daughter needs him more than ever, but he’s so focused on work.

I’ve been encouraging him to spend time with her, and I think the suggestion of helping through work or other times is a good idea. —I’ll definitely push for that We already do family dinners and try to keep the devices off.

I’ve tried limiting her devices, but she always finds ways around it (hotspots, borrowing from friends). I can lock up the keys to the car, though, so that’s a good step. She does have things she likes and is good at, but motivation is a big issue. I’ll keep encouraging her to look into a part-time job or hobbies to get her going.

By focusing on protecting our home, finances, and peace, that includes protecting our entire family and my youngest stepdaughter, we’re just so new to this type of rebellion and not sure what else to do.

Why. Did. You. Marry. This. Awful. Man? FFS! She is CRYING OUT for a relationship with her father. That is why she's crashing through boundaries! That is why she is acting out! That is why she is ENDANGERING HER LIFE. If he cannot see that and change his ways, he is a terrible parent. Open your eyes to who you are dealing with! How can you have any respect for someone who is so callous to his own child?

I’m not the OP but I’m the other stepmom who commented. If you had asked me this when my SD was 17, I would say I had lost a huge amount of respect for my DH but that I considered all of them my family, and I lived my stepdaughter. Leaving her wasn’t going to help her or make her life more stable. But I was ready to leave my DH once she (we thought) had launched to college. Unfortunately I then had a complete shock…an unplanned pregnancy at age 42, literally the month after she left. I should have left then. For better or worse, I stayed.

I’m not at all letting OP’s DH off the hook, but I give her credit for doing what she can within her limited role. It ca still make a difference.

OP, I would focus on connection as best you can. Connection is your only key to any progress. Secure the keys, yes. Secure your credit cards and money, sure. Get alarms on the house. But the main effort has to be connection. That’s the only way in to building trust that could result in her telling you the truth in a crisis, or when she is unsafe, or if she might consider medicine or a therapist or…anything positive.

So…connection. Find a show you might like together? Compliment her outfit. Offer to get your nails done. Buy her her favorite food. Ask her to keep you company doing something. Ask her to invite a friend over. Feed and spoil the friends. Play a good audiobook in the car while you drive somewhere (I recommend Fighting Words by Kimberly Brubaker Bradley…a lot to chat about between chapters.)

My SD and I bonded by hate-watching things together. She had a LOT of anger. So much anger. So I found ways we could be angry about shared enemies together. True crime shows. House Hunters where we could hate on the shallow nit picky people. Sister Wives where we could hate Cody together. Find a common enemy to bond about if you can. Anything that can be connection without you nagging her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to go absolutely nuclear on your husband until he opens his eyes and intervenes. Sex strike, cooking strike, everything strike, total brick wall. If he has to quit his job or take FMLA leave, that's what he should do. Because his daughter's life is more precious than any job could be. And it'll be on your conscience forever if you continue to enable him. You can't do this for him! The child needs her father. Not a stepmother who pities her and grudgingly picks up the slack because her father ignores her.

If she's drinking and drugging and taking the car, HER LIFE IS AT RISK.

PP stepmom here. I agree with this. Every single one of my stepdaughter’s close friends from her heroin years is dead now. Every single one. They were suburban middle class kids. Both of her parents were Feds who work in DC. Escalation from stealing my Percocet from a root canal in HS to IV heroin use was less than 2 years. She is alive today but with years of complete and total hell under her belt…arrests, rapes, jail time, prison time, many people dying around her and literally next to her. It is sheer luck that she is here given the odds.

YOUR HUSBAND CAN PREVENT THAT. He absolutely has to stop what he is doing now. It doesn’t matter what he has refused to do the last 10 years; that’s over. The damage is done. You held your finger in the dyke all those years trying to patch up the parenting he was neglecting and it was enough for the first two but NOT FOR HER. She is in crisis. They never have been.

He needs to take FMLA. If he is a partner, he can take leave. If he’s not a partner, guess what. He needs to make a new plan. This can’t be his life anymore.

If you love this girl, you need to be clear with him that normal is gone. Your marriage and your family have to change now if he wants a live, functional daughter in 5 years. It needs to be his primary job now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your DH needs to see this as the crisis it is and step back from work hours as much as possible. What would be worse…her death or him changing jobs? She is on the road to addiction and death now. This will NOT get better on its own.

You get lots of credit from me for the parenting you have done with her older siblings. It is clear that you are an involved and caring stepmom. But you should not have had to most of your DH’s 50%. Some kids can get by with a lousy dad because they don’t have as many challenges or the have better internal external supports. But his youngest daughter will not survive these year unscathed with an absent and distant dad.

Practical things you both can do if he will actually make parenting his daughter his PRIORITY on all of his days and weekends:

1) If she won’t turn over her devices, turn off your home WiFi and cut off the data plan for the phone

2) Keys stay in a locked safe at all times.

3) Family dinner every night, no devices.

4) Dad and daughter have to do life together. He has to be the one to take her running errands. Shop with her. If he has to go into work on a weekend, she comes to the office and helps. Basically, they need to have a relationship again. That starts with the basics of existing together without devices.

5) is there anything that makes her smile? Anything she likes to do? Anything she is proud of? Anything she looks forward to? Build on her strengths and what she enjoys.

6) the biggest question your DH has to ask himself each day right now - EACH day - is “How and I going to connect with my daughter today? Where can I find chances for connection?” Could be texting her from work, sending her something funny, taking her out to dinner solo, etc.

7) give her an opportunity to earn money in some way, or help her find one. What does she do well? Build on that.

Unfortunately, I’ve talked to my husband multiple times about cutting back on work, but he’s not willing to do it. Over the last 10 years, I’ve taken on most of the parenting, and this is a new situation for us. The other kids weren’t like this, so her mom and I are trying to figure things out. His daughter needs him more than ever, but he’s so focused on work.

I’ve been encouraging him to spend time with her, and I think the suggestion of helping through work or other times is a good idea. —I’ll definitely push for that We already do family dinners and try to keep the devices off.

I’ve tried limiting her devices, but she always finds ways around it (hotspots, borrowing from friends). I can lock up the keys to the car, though, so that’s a good step. She does have things she likes and is good at, but motivation is a big issue. I’ll keep encouraging her to look into a part-time job or hobbies to get her going.

By focusing on protecting our home, finances, and peace, that includes protecting our entire family and my youngest stepdaughter, we’re just so new to this type of rebellion and not sure what else to do.

Why. Did. You. Marry. This. Awful. Man? FFS! She is CRYING OUT for a relationship with her father. That is why she's crashing through boundaries! That is why she is acting out! That is why she is ENDANGERING HER LIFE. If he cannot see that and change his ways, he is a terrible parent. Open your eyes to who you are dealing with! How can you have any respect for someone who is so callous to his own child?

I married him because I love him and think he’s a great person. He’s a bit too focused on work, but with a little nudging, I think I can get him to take a step back a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your DH needs to see this as the crisis it is and step back from work hours as much as possible. What would be worse…her death or him changing jobs? She is on the road to addiction and death now. This will NOT get better on its own.

You get lots of credit from me for the parenting you have done with her older siblings. It is clear that you are an involved and caring stepmom. But you should not have had to most of your DH’s 50%. Some kids can get by with a lousy dad because they don’t have as many challenges or the have better internal external supports. But his youngest daughter will not survive these year unscathed with an absent and distant dad.

Practical things you both can do if he will actually make parenting his daughter his PRIORITY on all of his days and weekends:

1) If she won’t turn over her devices, turn off your home WiFi and cut off the data plan for the phone

2) Keys stay in a locked safe at all times.

3) Family dinner every night, no devices.

4) Dad and daughter have to do life together. He has to be the one to take her running errands. Shop with her. If he has to go into work on a weekend, she comes to the office and helps. Basically, they need to have a relationship again. That starts with the basics of existing together without devices.

5) is there anything that makes her smile? Anything she likes to do? Anything she is proud of? Anything she looks forward to? Build on her strengths and what she enjoys.

6) the biggest question your DH has to ask himself each day right now - EACH day - is “How and I going to connect with my daughter today? Where can I find chances for connection?” Could be texting her from work, sending her something funny, taking her out to dinner solo, etc.

7) give her an opportunity to earn money in some way, or help her find one. What does she do well? Build on that.

Unfortunately, I’ve talked to my husband multiple times about cutting back on work, but he’s not willing to do it. Over the last 10 years, I’ve taken on most of the parenting, and this is a new situation for us. The other kids weren’t like this, so her mom and I are trying to figure things out. His daughter needs him more than ever, but he’s so focused on work.

I’ve been encouraging him to spend time with her, and I think the suggestion of helping through work or other times is a good idea. —I’ll definitely push for that We already do family dinners and try to keep the devices off.

I’ve tried limiting her devices, but she always finds ways around it (hotspots, borrowing from friends). I can lock up the keys to the car, though, so that’s a good step. She does have things she likes and is good at, but motivation is a big issue. I’ll keep encouraging her to look into a part-time job or hobbies to get her going.

By focusing on protecting our home, finances, and peace, that includes protecting our entire family and my youngest stepdaughter, we’re just so new to this type of rebellion and not sure what else to do.

Why. Did. You. Marry. This. Awful. Man? FFS! She is CRYING OUT for a relationship with her father. That is why she's crashing through boundaries! That is why she is acting out! That is why she is ENDANGERING HER LIFE. If he cannot see that and change his ways, he is a terrible parent. Open your eyes to who you are dealing with! How can you have any respect for someone who is so callous to his own child?

I married him because I love him and think he’s a great person. He’s a bit too focused on work, but with a little nudging, I think I can get him to take a step back a little.

I think you are underestimating the change in commitment that his daughter will need to see. And the thing is…like, two weeks of him not working till 10 every night and on weekends isn’t going to improve her attitude. She’s still going to be defying you and mouthing off to him or whatever…for months. He might not see the fruits for a long time. Is he willing to make changes for that long?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to go absolutely nuclear on your husband until he opens his eyes and intervenes. Sex strike, cooking strike, everything strike, total brick wall. If he has to quit his job or take FMLA leave, that's what he should do. Because his daughter's life is more precious than any job could be. And it'll be on your conscience forever if you continue to enable him. You can't do this for him! The child needs her father. Not a stepmother who pities her and grudgingly picks up the slack because her father ignores her.

If she's drinking and drugging and taking the car, HER LIFE IS AT RISK.

PP stepmom here. I agree with this. Every single one of my stepdaughter’s close friends from her heroin years is dead now. Every single one. They were suburban middle class kids. Both of her parents were Feds who work in DC. Escalation from stealing my Percocet from a root canal in HS to IV heroin use was less than 2 years. She is alive today but with years of complete and total hell under her belt…arrests, rapes, jail time, prison time, many people dying around her and literally next to her. It is sheer luck that she is here given the odds.

YOUR HUSBAND CAN PREVENT THAT. He absolutely has to stop what he is doing now. It doesn’t matter what he has refused to do the last 10 years; that’s over. The damage is done. You held your finger in the dyke all those years trying to patch up the parenting he was neglecting and it was enough for the first two but NOT FOR HER. She is in crisis. They never have been.

He needs to take FMLA. If he is a partner, he can take leave. If he’s not a partner, guess what. He needs to make a new plan. This can’t be his life anymore.

If you love this girl, you need to be clear with him that normal is gone. Your marriage and your family have to change now if he wants a live, functional daughter in 5 years. It needs to be his primary job now.

I’m so sorry for everything you and your family has gone through, but I’m really glad to hear your stepdaughter is doing well now. My husband is a partner, so he does have the option to take leave. I haven’t had the chance to talk to him about it these past few weeks, but it’s something I really need to bring up tomorrow. I don’t think he fully understands the urgency of the situation.

Thankfully, she’s good about calling me for a ride if she’s been drinking and can’t get a ride from a friend/parent and hasn’t taken our cars for a few months, but her general recklessness is still a huge concern. I know things have been complicated, but at this point, I feel like my husband needs to really step up and help. What exactly do you think he should be doing to support her through this, in the best way possible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your DH needs to see this as the crisis it is and step back from work hours as much as possible. What would be worse…her death or him changing jobs? She is on the road to addiction and death now. This will NOT get better on its own.

You get lots of credit from me for the parenting you have done with her older siblings. It is clear that you are an involved and caring stepmom. But you should not have had to most of your DH’s 50%. Some kids can get by with a lousy dad because they don’t have as many challenges or the have better internal external supports. But his youngest daughter will not survive these year unscathed with an absent and distant dad.

Practical things you both can do if he will actually make parenting his daughter his PRIORITY on all of his days and weekends:

1) If she won’t turn over her devices, turn off your home WiFi and cut off the data plan for the phone

2) Keys stay in a locked safe at all times.

3) Family dinner every night, no devices.

4) Dad and daughter have to do life together. He has to be the one to take her running errands. Shop with her. If he has to go into work on a weekend, she comes to the office and helps. Basically, they need to have a relationship again. That starts with the basics of existing together without devices.

5) is there anything that makes her smile? Anything she likes to do? Anything she is proud of? Anything she looks forward to? Build on her strengths and what she enjoys.

6) the biggest question your DH has to ask himself each day right now - EACH day - is “How and I going to connect with my daughter today? Where can I find chances for connection?” Could be texting her from work, sending her something funny, taking her out to dinner solo, etc.

7) give her an opportunity to earn money in some way, or help her find one. What does she do well? Build on that.

Unfortunately, I’ve talked to my husband multiple times about cutting back on work, but he’s not willing to do it. Over the last 10 years, I’ve taken on most of the parenting, and this is a new situation for us. The other kids weren’t like this, so her mom and I are trying to figure things out. His daughter needs him more than ever, but he’s so focused on work.

I’ve been encouraging him to spend time with her, and I think the suggestion of helping through work or other times is a good idea. —I’ll definitely push for that We already do family dinners and try to keep the devices off.

I’ve tried limiting her devices, but she always finds ways around it (hotspots, borrowing from friends). I can lock up the keys to the car, though, so that’s a good step. She does have things she likes and is good at, but motivation is a big issue. I’ll keep encouraging her to look into a part-time job or hobbies to get her going.

By focusing on protecting our home, finances, and peace, that includes protecting our entire family and my youngest stepdaughter, we’re just so new to this type of rebellion and not sure what else to do.

Why. Did. You. Marry. This. Awful. Man? FFS! She is CRYING OUT for a relationship with her father. That is why she's crashing through boundaries! That is why she is acting out! That is why she is ENDANGERING HER LIFE. If he cannot see that and change his ways, he is a terrible parent. Open your eyes to who you are dealing with! How can you have any respect for someone who is so callous to his own child?

I married him because I love him and think he’s a great person. He’s a bit too focused on work, but with a little nudging, I think I can get him to take a step back a little.

A BIT? Come on. He is completely in denial or he just DGAF, and he clearly feels entitled to have you and his ex-wife deal with everything so that he doesn't have to lift a finger even though his daughter is in a potentially fatal crisis.