Stepdaughter (16) is out of control

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend


WTF!!!!

Sorry but your lame H needs to parent her not banish her. You think intact families just kick the kid to the curb and have them live elsewhere.

You suck.

This is obviously true, but if he's not going to step up, and she does better at her mom's house, then she's probably better off spending more time there. She should be wherever she has an engaged parent because she's clearly spiraling.

AAANNDDD they have no idea why.

SMFH

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, are you the AP? Did you break up this girl's family when you let her father put his penis inside of you?

[Anonymous]

It takes 30 seconds to lock a credit card. How do you not get a charge notification? It also doesn't take long to turn off a phone.
No mentally healthy person does what this kid is doing. I bet there were signs way before.
If she kills someone, you two will lose everything.Get her help. And let's stop blaming divorce on such craziness. It's some mental health issue and alcohol/drugs she can't handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior. She is with us 50% of the time and is out of control.

This past weekend was the tipping point. She came home drunk, was vaping cannabis in our house, stayed up most of the night making noise, and took my credit card to spend over $200 on takeout to send to a boy’s house at 3 a.m.

This isn’t isolated. In the past, she has been drunk and smoked before, regularly sneaks out to boys’ houses, and has tried to bring boys into our home without permission. She has stolen our credit cards and taken our cars without permission, racking up thousands of dollars in charges (we involved police previously). She has also been suspended from school for vaping and continues to skip class, vape, and hang around school. At home, she does nothing but sit on TikTok and YouTube, doesn’t clean up after herself, and refuses to make food. We have to lock up alcohol because she will steal it and give it to friends.

We’ve tried consequences like removing her phone, car access, and outings, but she refuses to hand things over, throws huge tantrums, and finds ways around restrictions (finding hidden keys, etc.). It feels like constant power struggles and chaos.

At this point, our main goal is protecting our home, finances, and peace. We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend, while we regroup, and she had a massive meltdown and told her dad he must hate her. We’re already feel a little
More at ease.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? What actually helped?

What works is spending more time with her, not less. Show her that she is a priority in your life- not just an obligation you can foist off on her other parent or throw money at. It takes time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It takes 30 seconds to lock a credit card. How do you not get a charge notification? It also doesn't take long to turn off a phone.
No mentally healthy person does what this kid is doing. I bet there were signs way before.
If she kills someone, you two will lose everything.Get her help. And let's stop blaming divorce on such craziness. It's some mental health issue and alcohol/drugs she can't handle.

Both things can be true, you know.

[Anonymous]

What kind of mental health services is she getting now? OP, the girl you described needs serious help before she ends up with a DUI (or worse) or pegnant. I think stepmothers generally should stay disengaged, but if neither of her parents is dealing with this, you might want to take a more active approach, or you'll never figure it out.

[Anonymous]

What kind of therapy is she in? What kind of parent therapy has she had?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior. She is with us 50% of the time and is out of control.

This past weekend was the tipping point. She came home drunk, was vaping cannabis in our house, stayed up most of the night making noise, and took my credit card to spend over $200 on takeout to send to a boy’s house at 3 a.m.

This isn’t isolated. In the past, she has been drunk and smoked before, regularly sneaks out to boys’ houses, and has tried to bring boys into our home without permission. She has stolen our credit cards and taken our cars without permission, racking up thousands of dollars in charges (we involved police previously). She has also been suspended from school for vaping and continues to skip class, vape, and hang around school. At home, she does nothing but sit on TikTok and YouTube, doesn’t clean up after herself, and refuses to make food. We have to lock up alcohol because she will steal it and give it to friends.

We’ve tried consequences like removing her phone, car access, and outings, but she refuses to hand things over, throws huge tantrums, and finds ways around restrictions (finding hidden keys, etc.). It feels like constant power struggles and chaos.

At this point, our main goal is protecting our home, finances, and peace. We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend, while we regroup, and she had a massive meltdown and told her dad he must hate her. We’re already feel a little
More at ease.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? What actually helped?

What works is spending more time with her, not less. Show her that she is a priority in your life- not just an obligation you can foist off on her other parent or throw money at. It takes time.

But she is not a priority.

She’s their albatross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of mental health services is she getting now? OP, the girl you described needs serious help before she ends up with a DUI (or worse) or pegnant. I think stepmothers generally should stay disengaged, but if neither of her parents is dealing with this, you might want to take a more active approach, or you'll never figure it out.

I meant to say, you'll never forgive yourself if something really bad happens to her or someone else, and you did nothing when you saw it coming. You could research therapists and inpatient and outpatient services and present them to your DH and/or her mom. I feel like in this case, anything is better than nothing.

[Anonymous]

She tends to do a bit better at her mom’s house, which is part of why we decided to send her there. Her parents have been divorced for many years and I’ve been in her life for several, so this isn’t a brand new dynamic. She’s done therapy in the past but is currently refusing to go. We’ve also tried for years to get her a full neuropsych evaluation, but she won’t participate. She was diagnosed with ADHD by her pediatrician in elementary school, but she will not take any medication or see her psychiatrist. We’ve tried so many different approaches over the years, but she refuses to listen to or respect my husband at all, which has made things especially difficult. -OP

[Anonymous]

He abandoned her when her family broke up. She is screaming for attention from him and he is still not getting it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She tends to do a bit better at her mom’s house, which is part of why we decided to send her there. Her parents have been divorced for many years and I’ve been in her life for several, so this isn’t a brand new dynamic. She’s done therapy in the past but is currently refusing to go. We’ve also tried for years to get her a full neuropsych evaluation, but she won’t participate. She was diagnosed with ADHD by her pediatrician in elementary school, but she will not take any medication or see her psychiatrist. We’ve tried so many different approaches over the years, but she refuses to listen to or respect my husband at all, which has made things especially difficult. -OP

1. Does she have any siblings and how are they? Is she oldest, youngest or middle?
2. Why did her parents divorce and hold old was she then?
3. How is your relationship with her one-on one? How is your relationship with her mother? How is dad's relationship with the bio mom?
4. Of course she was diagnosed with ADHD; that's the first default. It means nothing. You are medicalizing a problem that is probably trauma related to her parents' divorce.
5. When did her relationship with her father nosedive, and why?

[Anonymous]

Kicking her out rather than dealing with the issues given she is 16 isn't going to do anything but make the problems worse.

Is anyone in your home emotionally bonded to her? Seems she doesn't really feel a connection, has lots of anger towards you and her dad, and so feels justified in doing as she pleases. Kind of like a typical teenage rebellion of you haven't been good parents so I don't feel any need to be a good kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not having an irrational step mom and not having an absent father could help.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She tends to do a bit better at her mom’s house, which is part of why we decided to send her there. Her parents have been divorced for many years and I’ve been in her life for several, so this isn’t a brand new dynamic. She’s done therapy in the past but is currently refusing to go. We’ve also tried for years to get her a full neuropsych evaluation, but she won’t participate. She was diagnosed with ADHD by her pediatrician in elementary school, but she will not take any medication or see her psychiatrist. We’ve tried so many different approaches over the years, but she refuses to listen to or respect my husband at all, which has made things especially difficult. -OP

Did you discuss your decision with her mom? Is she amenable to that? Will she listen to her mom on some things?