Stepdaughter (16) is out of control

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to go absolutely nuclear on your husband until he opens his eyes and intervenes. Sex strike, cooking strike, everything strike, total brick wall. If he has to quit his job or take FMLA leave, that's what he should do. Because his daughter's life is more precious than any job could be. And it'll be on your conscience forever if you continue to enable him. You can't do this for him! The child needs her father. Not a stepmother who pities her and grudgingly picks up the slack because her father ignores her.

If she's drinking and drugging and taking the car, HER LIFE IS AT RISK.

You think a woman like this would risk her husband’s salary for the sake of his child? She doesn’t feel ashamed to say they sent the girl packing to her mother’s to get rid of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to go absolutely nuclear on your husband until he opens his eyes and intervenes. Sex strike, cooking strike, everything strike, total brick wall. If he has to quit his job or take FMLA leave, that's what he should do. Because his daughter's life is more precious than any job could be. And it'll be on your conscience forever if you continue to enable him. You can't do this for him! The child needs her father. Not a stepmother who pities her and grudgingly picks up the slack because her father ignores her.

If she's drinking and drugging and taking the car, HER LIFE IS AT RISK.

PP stepmom here. I agree with this. Every single one of my stepdaughter’s close friends from her heroin years is dead now. Every single one. They were suburban middle class kids. Both of her parents were Feds who work in DC. Escalation from stealing my Percocet from a root canal in HS to IV heroin use was less than 2 years. She is alive today but with years of complete and total hell under her belt…arrests, rapes, jail time, prison time, many people dying around her and literally next to her. It is sheer luck that she is here given the odds.

YOUR HUSBAND CAN PREVENT THAT. He absolutely has to stop what he is doing now. It doesn’t matter what he has refused to do the last 10 years; that’s over. The damage is done. You held your finger in the dyke all those years trying to patch up the parenting he was neglecting and it was enough for the first two but NOT FOR HER. She is in crisis. They never have been.

He needs to take FMLA. If he is a partner, he can take leave. If he’s not a partner, guess what. He needs to make a new plan. This can’t be his life anymore.

If you love this girl, you need to be clear with him that normal is gone. Your marriage and your family have to change now if he wants a live, functional daughter in 5 years. It needs to be his primary job now.

I’m so sorry for everything you and your family has gone through, but I’m really glad to hear your stepdaughter is doing well now. My husband is a partner, so he does have the option to take leave. I haven’t had the chance to talk to him about it these past few weeks, but it’s something I really need to bring up tomorrow. I don’t think he fully understands the urgency of the situation.

Thankfully, she’s good about calling me for a ride if she’s been drinking and can’t get a ride from a friend/parent and hasn’t taken our cars for a few months, but her general recklessness is still a huge concern. I know things have been complicated, but at this point, I feel like my husband needs to really step up and help. What exactly do you think he should be doing to support her through this, in the best way possible?

He should be the one giving her rides! Not you! He should be spending time with her, supervising her so that she can't get up to any trouble. He should be taking her to and from therapy and to and from school so that she doesn't cut school. He should be eating with her to ensure that her nutrition is okay, and doing outdoor exercise with her. He should be researching inpatient rehab. He should be doing all the things that you are doing, because she is HIS daughter. He should be attending family therapy with her and you and the ex. And marriage counseling with you because you have a very serious marriage problem on your hands here.

Do you really think your marriage will survive if he continues to ignore your pleas and she dies or is permanently disabled?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to go absolutely nuclear on your husband until he opens his eyes and intervenes. Sex strike, cooking strike, everything strike, total brick wall. If he has to quit his job or take FMLA leave, that's what he should do. Because his daughter's life is more precious than any job could be. And it'll be on your conscience forever if you continue to enable him. You can't do this for him! The child needs her father. Not a stepmother who pities her and grudgingly picks up the slack because her father ignores her.

If she's drinking and drugging and taking the car, HER LIFE IS AT RISK.

PP stepmom here. I agree with this. Every single one of my stepdaughter’s close friends from her heroin years is dead now. Every single one. They were suburban middle class kids. Both of her parents were Feds who work in DC. Escalation from stealing my Percocet from a root canal in HS to IV heroin use was less than 2 years. She is alive today but with years of complete and total hell under her belt…arrests, rapes, jail time, prison time, many people dying around her and literally next to her. It is sheer luck that she is here given the odds.

YOUR HUSBAND CAN PREVENT THAT. He absolutely has to stop what he is doing now. It doesn’t matter what he has refused to do the last 10 years; that’s over. The damage is done. You held your finger in the dyke all those years trying to patch up the parenting he was neglecting and it was enough for the first two but NOT FOR HER. She is in crisis. They never have been.

He needs to take FMLA. If he is a partner, he can take leave. If he’s not a partner, guess what. He needs to make a new plan. This can’t be his life anymore.

If you love this girl, you need to be clear with him that normal is gone. Your marriage and your family have to change now if he wants a live, functional daughter in 5 years. It needs to be his primary job now.

I’m so sorry for everything you and your family has gone through, but I’m really glad to hear your stepdaughter is doing well now. My husband is a partner, so he does have the option to take leave. I haven’t had the chance to talk to him about it these past few weeks, but it’s something I really need to bring up tomorrow. I don’t think he fully understands the urgency of the situation.

Thankfully, she’s good about calling me for a ride if she’s been drinking and can’t get a ride from a friend/parent and hasn’t taken our cars for a few months, but her general recklessness is still a huge concern. I know things have been complicated, but at this point, I feel like my husband needs to really step up and help. What exactly do you think he should be doing to support her through this, in the best way possible?

He should be the one giving her rides! Not you! He should be spending time with her, supervising her so that she can't get up to any trouble. He should be taking her to and from therapy and to and from school so that she doesn't cut school. He should be eating with her to ensure that her nutrition is okay, and doing outdoor exercise with her. He should be researching inpatient rehab. He should be doing all the things that you are doing, because she is HIS daughter. He should be attending family therapy with her and you and the ex. And marriage counseling with you because you have a very serious marriage problem on your hands here.

Do you really think your marriage will survive if he continues to ignore your pleas and she dies or is permanently disabled?

+1

What has he actually been doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your DH needs to see this as the crisis it is and step back from work hours as much as possible. What would be worse…her death or him changing jobs? She is on the road to addiction and death now. This will NOT get better on its own.

You get lots of credit from me for the parenting you have done with her older siblings. It is clear that you are an involved and caring stepmom. But you should not have had to most of your DH’s 50%. Some kids can get by with a lousy dad because they don’t have as many challenges or the have better internal external supports. But his youngest daughter will not survive these year unscathed with an absent and distant dad.

Practical things you both can do if he will actually make parenting his daughter his PRIORITY on all of his days and weekends:

1) If she won’t turn over her devices, turn off your home WiFi and cut off the data plan for the phone

2) Keys stay in a locked safe at all times.

3) Family dinner every night, no devices.

4) Dad and daughter have to do life together. He has to be the one to take her running errands. Shop with her. If he has to go into work on a weekend, she comes to the office and helps. Basically, they need to have a relationship again. That starts with the basics of existing together without devices.

5) is there anything that makes her smile? Anything she likes to do? Anything she is proud of? Anything she looks forward to? Build on her strengths and what she enjoys.

6) the biggest question your DH has to ask himself each day right now - EACH day - is “How and I going to connect with my daughter today? Where can I find chances for connection?” Could be texting her from work, sending her something funny, taking her out to dinner solo, etc.

7) give her an opportunity to earn money in some way, or help her find one. What does she do well? Build on that.

Unfortunately, I’ve talked to my husband multiple times about cutting back on work, but he’s not willing to do it. Over the last 10 years, I’ve taken on most of the parenting, and this is a new situation for us. The other kids weren’t like this, so her mom and I are trying to figure things out. His daughter needs him more than ever, but he’s so focused on work.

I’ve been encouraging him to spend time with her, and I think the suggestion of helping through work or other times is a good idea. —I’ll definitely push for that We already do family dinners and try to keep the devices off.

I’ve tried limiting her devices, but she always finds ways around it (hotspots, borrowing from friends). I can lock up the keys to the car, though, so that’s a good step. She does have things she likes and is good at, but motivation is a big issue. I’ll keep encouraging her to look into a part-time job or hobbies to get her going.

By focusing on protecting our home, finances, and peace, that includes protecting our entire family and my youngest stepdaughter, we’re just so new to this type of rebellion and not sure what else to do.

Why. Did. You. Marry. This. Awful. Man? FFS! She is CRYING OUT for a relationship with her father. That is why she's crashing through boundaries! That is why she is acting out! That is why she is ENDANGERING HER LIFE. If he cannot see that and change his ways, he is a terrible parent. Open your eyes to who you are dealing with! How can you have any respect for someone who is so callous to his own child?

I married him because I love him and think he’s a great person. He’s a bit too focused on work, but with a little nudging, I think I can get him to take a step back a little.

Are you the AP? How/why did the parents divorce? It matters. It is usually the cause of the kids problems

[Anonymous]

Inpatient treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend


WTF!!!!

Sorry but your lame H needs to parent her not banish her. You think intact families just kick the kid to the curb and have them live elsewhere.

You suck.

This is obviously true, but if he's not going to step up, and she does better at her mom's house, then she's probably better off spending more time there. She should be wherever she has an engaged parent because she's clearly spiraling.

Yeah, if dad won’t parent, then her being sent to moms is a good idea. Why should OP be expected to parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend


WTF!!!!

Sorry but your lame H needs to parent her not banish her. You think intact families just kick the kid to the curb and have them live elsewhere.

You suck.

This is obviously true, but if he's not going to step up, and she does better at her mom's house, then she's probably better off spending more time there. She should be wherever she has an engaged parent because she's clearly spiraling.

Yeah, if dad won’t parent, then her being sent to moms is a good idea. Why should OP be expected to parent?

The daughter is having a mental health CRISIS. She was sent home as both punishment and because dad and SM didn’t want to deal. Dad has been absent and SM has been co-parenting (albeit ineffectively) with mom. The last thing daughter needs is more abandonment. She needs inpatient treatment and SM ought to be kicking her husband’s ass to show up for his daughter.

[Anonymous]

People here are insane. Parents have been working, since forever. A parent working long hours is not an excuse to be out of control, or not follow basic house rules. It is not “abandonment” because he is working.

I do think it’s wrong to say she can’t come over your house though. I do think she needs some serious consequences and you both and mom need to get on similar page with that. Take away car and/or phone completely. If she is drinking and smoking she is not responsible enough for these privileges

[Anonymous]

SD clearly had mental health issues. Get her into inpatient treatment or such to get evaluated. Parents work and cannot stop working because the teen is out of control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People here are insane. Parents have been working, since forever. A parent working long hours is not an excuse to be out of control, or not follow basic house rules. It is not “abandonment” because he is working.

I do think it’s wrong to say she can’t come over your house though. I do think she needs some serious consequences and you both and mom need to get on similar page with that. Take away car and/or phone completely. If she is drinking and smoking she is not responsible enough for these privileges

There are single moms who work two full time jobs yet still find ways to be present and let their children know they are loved. No one is saying the dad should stop working, but he needs to figure out how to be a dad as well. SD is far beyond teen acting out that could be corrected with consequences at home.

[Anonymous]

Sending her to her mom's is basically the worst possible impulse, OP.

Her behavior is disruptive and infuriating, but it's also a trauma response. I don't know what trauma she is responding to, but she amped up her behavior to find your breaking point, which you kindly provided her.

A kid acts like that when they aren't sure they are worthy of unconditional love, and you handed her exactly what she was looking for by sending her away.

/foster parent who has seen this a ton

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to go absolutely nuclear on your husband until he opens his eyes and intervenes. Sex strike, cooking strike, everything strike, total brick wall. If he has to quit his job or take FMLA leave, that's what he should do. Because his daughter's life is more precious than any job could be. And it'll be on your conscience forever if you continue to enable him. You can't do this for him! The child needs her father. Not a stepmother who pities her and grudgingly picks up the slack because her father ignores her.

If she's drinking and drugging and taking the car, HER LIFE IS AT RISK.

PP stepmom here. I agree with this. Every single one of my stepdaughter’s close friends from her heroin years is dead now. Every single one. They were suburban middle class kids. Both of her parents were Feds who work in DC. Escalation from stealing my Percocet from a root canal in HS to IV heroin use was less than 2 years. She is alive today but with years of complete and total hell under her belt…arrests, rapes, jail time, prison time, many people dying around her and literally next to her. It is sheer luck that she is here given the odds.

YOUR HUSBAND CAN PREVENT THAT. He absolutely has to stop what he is doing now. It doesn’t matter what he has refused to do the last 10 years; that’s over. The damage is done. You held your finger in the dyke all those years trying to patch up the parenting he was neglecting and it was enough for the first two but NOT FOR HER. She is in crisis. They never have been.

He needs to take FMLA. If he is a partner, he can take leave. If he’s not a partner, guess what. He needs to make a new plan. This can’t be his life anymore.

If you love this girl, you need to be clear with him that normal is gone. Your marriage and your family have to change now if he wants a live, functional daughter in 5 years. It needs to be his primary job now.

I’m so sorry for everything you and your family has gone through, but I’m really glad to hear your stepdaughter is doing well now. My husband is a partner, so he does have the option to take leave. I haven’t had the chance to talk to him about it these past few weeks, but it’s something I really need to bring up tomorrow. I don’t think he fully understands the urgency of the situation.

Thankfully, she’s good about calling me for a ride if she’s been drinking and can’t get a ride from a friend/parent and hasn’t taken our cars for a few months, but her general recklessness is still a huge concern. I know things have been complicated, but at this point, I feel like my husband needs to really step up and help. What exactly do you think he should be doing to support her through this, in the best way possible?

The biggest thing he needs to be doing is to literally, physically, be there. Be in the house when she is not at school. Greet her when she gets home. Take the dogs for walks together. Shovel snow together. Fold laundry together. Run to Giant together. And the maybe he will be the one she starts texting when she is drunk and needs a ride…but it’s going to take time. He needs to get to know her better to help evaluate whether this is wilful rebellion or symptoms of something more, like bipolar illness. If it is really ADHD, he needs to take her to an ADHD coach and help her understand her brain better and how her neurodivergence may be at the center of many of the roadblocks she is smashing into. There may be trauma.

With my SD, we knew that the underlying destabilizing situation was that her mom moved a guy in with them that she barely knew. That sent her boomeranging from us back to her…she wanted to live full time with us which we all allowed for a while but then she was acting out and getting in all sorts of trouble but when DH would try to set limits, she would just go back to her mom and no limits. But what we didn’t find out until a couple of years later was that she was raped by a high school acquaintance. She didn’t feel safe telling either parent. She feared her mom would fall apart and make it all about her and her dad would act out his hurt and rage for her pain by attacking the guy, and thus she would get her dad locked up or ruin his life. So she was alone with her trauma for years, and she “handled” it by medicating the pain away.

The only way you could get information like that from her…whether it’s a trauma response, a mental health issue, a neurodivergence issue, or just a character flaw is by spending real time with her. Everyday ordinary stuff to build trust and connection. Thats what he needs to do. Be there.

[Anonymous]

Let mom deal with this for now. Take your time "regrouping." She wouldn't be coming back at all for me with out strict rules. She sounds very spoiled.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I’ve been there. The only thing you can do is realize you have no authority here. If she is 16 and dad has custody, she is legally required to live in your home with you. Just protect yourself and your kids as best as you can— get a lock on your bedroom door and make sure your wallet and car is always locked up. If her parents can’t (or don’t care to) control her, you will not be able to. I didn’t read through the thread so idk where dad stands on this, but my husband was enabling a lot of her behavior by letting her do whatever she wanted without consequences. It was the hardest time for our marriage, and I wish I could go back in time and tell myself the arguing with husband telling him to “grow a backbone” or whatever wasn’t worth it because I couldn’t make him parent the way I wanted to. If it was our kid, I would have had more standing, and as much as you try to do everything “like this was my kid”, this is just the way it is in this dynamic. IYKYK.
But just like you won’t be disciplining, you also will not be enabling, like cleaning up after, giving rides, etc. If he is handling the discipline alone, then he can clean up the messes alone. This is part of protecting yourself. Of course still be there for her outside of the drama.
My SD is 25 now and thriving, and has apologized for being awful during that period

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe her dad needs to actually spend some time with her?????

+1
This is a cry for help and you want to take punitive measures. Seriously what’s wrong with you?!