Anonymous wrote:She tends to do a bit better at her mom’s house, which is part of why we decided to send her there. Her parents have been divorced for many years and I’ve been in her life for several, so this isn’t a brand new dynamic. She’s done therapy in the past but is currently refusing to go. We’ve also tried for years to get her a full neuropsych evaluation, but she won’t participate. She was diagnosed with ADHD by her pediatrician in elementary school, but she will not take any medication or see her psychiatrist. We’ve tried so many different approaches over the years, but she refuses to listen to or respect my husband at all, which has made things especially difficult. -OP
I haven't read this whole thread, but, your husband and her mom need to figure out what her currency is, and use it to get her to participate in therapy. Therapy at this point needs to be non-negotiable. If she wants ANYTHING, she needs to participate in therapy. She may need an in-patient solution to get stabilized. Obviously when she is at your house you need to have it set up so she has no access to money, credit cards, etc. This is not difficult, but, you have to be vigilant. Don't let your husband hide behind work. This is not for you to deal with.
Anonymous wrote:My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior. She is with us 50% of the time and is out of control.
This past weekend was the tipping point. She came home drunk, was vaping cannabis in our house, stayed up most of the night making noise, and took my credit card to spend over $200 on takeout to send to a boy’s house at 3 a.m.
This isn’t isolated. In the past, she has been drunk and smoked before, regularly sneaks out to boys’ houses, and has tried to bring boys into our home without permission. She has stolen our credit cards and taken our cars without permission, racking up thousands of dollars in charges (we involved police previously). She has also been suspended from school for vaping and continues to skip class, vape, and hang around school. At home, she does nothing but sit on TikTok and YouTube, doesn’t clean up after herself, and refuses to make food. We have to lock up alcohol because she will steal it and give it to friends.
We’ve tried consequences like removing her phone, car access, and outings, but she refuses to hand things over, throws huge tantrums, and finds ways around restrictions (finding hidden keys, etc.). It feels like constant power struggles and chaos.
At this point, our main goal is protecting our home, finances, and peace. We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend, while we regroup, and she had a massive meltdown and told her dad he must hate her. We’re already feel a little
More at ease.
Has anyone dealt with something like this? What actually helped?
You, you, you. Is protecting his daughter's health and well-being-- and potentially her life-- not the main goal? What kind of man did you marry?!?!?
As a parent who has a difficult child (and he probably makes your daughter look like child's play), there are two things that stood out to me. This is one. There is not a single mention of how you help your child to grow up to be an independent and successful adult. Just how to protect yourself. The second is that all you've done is punish and you're looking for new ways.
When our child started down the path towards mutual destruction (him and the family), our entire focus shifted to what do we need to do to make him successful. And, all of us (other kids included) were a part of the solution. We protected ourselves too - like locking credit cards, which is so obvious that I can't believe someone had to say it, and locking car keys. We got him therapy and medication, worked with the school to provide services so that he could be successful there, helped him get a job and then drove him there and home for every single shift. I could keep going. And you might think I want to pat myself on the back, which I sometimes do because it is a freaking lot of work to help a troubled kid successfully turn life around. But what I'm trying to say is that I think you have the wrong mindset. As the grown up - the parents - it's your obligation to get your kid to be successfully independent. And some kids take longer than others - mine is 23 and only halfway through college, but he's halfway through college.
And, you might be the step mom. But you accepted that role when you married dad with a kid. So you need to own your obligations here. I hope you all figure out how to change your dynamics.
NP. I’m just in awe of your parenting, PP. Your post was inspirational. What a monumental thing you and your family have done over these years for your child. What strength you have had to have. I wish your whole family the best.
Anonymous wrote:It’s still dynamics. The things you mentioned, therapy, medication, working with schools. You can’t do that as a step mom! And if you are the only adult pressing for that, YOU are the bad guy! All you can do is suggest the therapy and drop hints like “I would be at the kids school if it was OUR child”, and try to support your husband in his half-ass attempts at disciplining like “hiding” the phone, but oops she found it, oh well! You can’t be outraged if he isn’t. You can try to fight your husband about it like I did, but it gets to a point where it’s like I shouldn’t care more than everyone else and let my own marriage suffer.
It’s hard enough watching your bio child self district, but at least you can actually do something about it. All these people piling on OP is because they are bio moms only and couldn’t imagine another woman with their husband/ex trying to parent their child differently or looking for a gotcha that a step mom could never be a real mom. But also they “would never” take someone else’s child on themselves. Hmmmm. (not saying you specifically but many PPs are so nasty here and in other step mom threads)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m a step mom PP. Unless you have been in a blended family you really can’t judge. What you are missing here is the step parent/step child, guilty parents, new wife dynamic. Most of the time a step parent that comes into a situation like this wants to do what they think is best for the child, but boundaries have to be respected. If the bio parents aren’t aligned with you — and I say this with the most grace for them— going against your husband AND a typically delicate dynamic with another woman who is the ex and actual mom, AND a child who is against any authority… it’s just not the same.
And yes, this is what we “signed up for”, just like you “signed up for” every challenge that came with your spouse. We went through this with my step daughter 8-10 years ago and she is doing better than most at 25, marriage is stronger than ever with this behind us, and I actually learned a lot as a parent to my own kids so I’m glad I signed up for this!!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior. She is with us 50% of the time and is out of control.
This past weekend was the tipping point. She came home drunk, was vaping cannabis in our house, stayed up most of the night making noise, and took my credit card to spend over $200 on takeout to send to a boy’s house at 3 a.m.
This isn’t isolated. In the past, she has been drunk and smoked before, regularly sneaks out to boys’ houses, and has tried to bring boys into our home without permission. She has stolen our credit cards and taken our cars without permission, racking up thousands of dollars in charges (we involved police previously). She has also been suspended from school for vaping and continues to skip class, vape, and hang around school. At home, she does nothing but sit on TikTok and YouTube, doesn’t clean up after herself, and refuses to make food. We have to lock up alcohol because she will steal it and give it to friends.
We’ve tried consequences like removing her phone, car access, and outings, but she refuses to hand things over, throws huge tantrums, and finds ways around restrictions (finding hidden keys, etc.). It feels like constant power struggles and chaos.
At this point, our main goal is protecting our home, finances, and peace. We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend, while we regroup, and she had a massive meltdown and told her dad he must hate her. We’re already feel a little
More at ease.
Has anyone dealt with something like this? What actually helped?
You, you, you. Is protecting his daughter's health and well-being-- and potentially her life-- not the main goal? What kind of man did you marry?!?!?
As a parent who has a difficult child (and he probably makes your daughter look like child's play), there are two things that stood out to me. This is one. There is not a single mention of how you help your child to grow up to be an independent and successful adult. Just how to protect yourself. The second is that all you've done is punish and you're looking for new ways.
When our child started down the path towards mutual destruction (him and the family), our entire focus shifted to what do we need to do to make him successful. And, all of us (other kids included) were a part of the solution. We protected ourselves too - like locking credit cards, which is so obvious that I can't believe someone had to say it, and locking car keys. We got him therapy and medication, worked with the school to provide services so that he could be successful there, helped him get a job and then drove him there and home for every single shift. I could keep going. And you might think I want to pat myself on the back, which I sometimes do because it is a freaking lot of work to help a troubled kid successfully turn life around. But what I'm trying to say is that I think you have the wrong mindset. As the grown up - the parents - it's your obligation to get your kid to be successfully independent. And some kids take longer than others - mine is 23 and only halfway through college, but he's halfway through college.
And, you might be the step mom. But you accepted that role when you married dad with a kid. So you need to own your obligations here. I hope you all figure out how to change your dynamics.
I don't think the dynamic is the issue. I think the focus is. The most important thing is doing what it takes to help the child grow up to be a successful, independent and productive adult. And OP's post focused on her and on punishment. And your post is focusing on the problems the adults created for themselves - which they are using as an excuse for not focusing on how to help the child grow up to be independent and successful. If OP had made a hint of trying to do the right thing but being blocked, then I may have a different view. But OP expressed concern about allowing dad to keep a crazy schedule that excludes any responsibility for teen. And OP wants to protect herself and punish kid. And no one is looking at helping teen to grow up.
FWIW, I don't have a traditional family. But it doesn't matter. What counts is what you do to help the kid be successful - not what you do to punish for the problems they cause you.
Illustrating why divorced people with children should not remarry until their kids are successfully launched.
When kids are in the picture—the focus has to be on them and getting them to adulthood. Throwing in stepparents who are worried about their marriage dynamic and confusing the parenting just sucks.
Anonymous wrote:It’s still dynamics. The things you mentioned, therapy, medication, working with schools. You can’t do that as a step mom! And if you are the only adult pressing for that, YOU are the bad guy! All you can do is suggest the therapy and drop hints like “I would be at the kids school if it was OUR child”, and try to support your husband in his half-ass attempts at disciplining like “hiding” the phone, but oops she found it, oh well! You can’t be outraged if he isn’t. You can try to fight your husband about it like I did, but it gets to a point where it’s like I shouldn’t care more than everyone else and let my own marriage suffer.
It’s hard enough watching your bio child self district, but at least you can actually do something about it. All these people piling on OP is because they are bio moms only and couldn’t imagine another woman with their husband/ex trying to parent their child differently or looking for a gotcha that a step mom could never be a real mom. But also they “would never” take someone else’s child on themselves. Hmmmm. (not saying you specifically but many PPs are so nasty here and in other step mom threads)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m a step mom PP. Unless you have been in a blended family you really can’t judge. What you are missing here is the step parent/step child, guilty parents, new wife dynamic. Most of the time a step parent that comes into a situation like this wants to do what they think is best for the child, but boundaries have to be respected. If the bio parents aren’t aligned with you — and I say this with the most grace for them— going against your husband AND a typically delicate dynamic with another woman who is the ex and actual mom, AND a child who is against any authority… it’s just not the same.
And yes, this is what we “signed up for”, just like you “signed up for” every challenge that came with your spouse. We went through this with my step daughter 8-10 years ago and she is doing better than most at 25, marriage is stronger than ever with this behind us, and I actually learned a lot as a parent to my own kids so I’m glad I signed up for this!!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior. She is with us 50% of the time and is out of control.
This past weekend was the tipping point. She came home drunk, was vaping cannabis in our house, stayed up most of the night making noise, and took my credit card to spend over $200 on takeout to send to a boy’s house at 3 a.m.
This isn’t isolated. In the past, she has been drunk and smoked before, regularly sneaks out to boys’ houses, and has tried to bring boys into our home without permission. She has stolen our credit cards and taken our cars without permission, racking up thousands of dollars in charges (we involved police previously). She has also been suspended from school for vaping and continues to skip class, vape, and hang around school. At home, she does nothing but sit on TikTok and YouTube, doesn’t clean up after herself, and refuses to make food. We have to lock up alcohol because she will steal it and give it to friends.
We’ve tried consequences like removing her phone, car access, and outings, but she refuses to hand things over, throws huge tantrums, and finds ways around restrictions (finding hidden keys, etc.). It feels like constant power struggles and chaos.
At this point, our main goal is protecting our home, finances, and peace. We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend, while we regroup, and she had a massive meltdown and told her dad he must hate her. We’re already feel a little
More at ease.
Has anyone dealt with something like this? What actually helped?
You, you, you. Is protecting his daughter's health and well-being-- and potentially her life-- not the main goal? What kind of man did you marry?!?!?
As a parent who has a difficult child (and he probably makes your daughter look like child's play), there are two things that stood out to me. This is one. There is not a single mention of how you help your child to grow up to be an independent and successful adult. Just how to protect yourself. The second is that all you've done is punish and you're looking for new ways.
When our child started down the path towards mutual destruction (him and the family), our entire focus shifted to what do we need to do to make him successful. And, all of us (other kids included) were a part of the solution. We protected ourselves too - like locking credit cards, which is so obvious that I can't believe someone had to say it, and locking car keys. We got him therapy and medication, worked with the school to provide services so that he could be successful there, helped him get a job and then drove him there and home for every single shift. I could keep going. And you might think I want to pat myself on the back, which I sometimes do because it is a freaking lot of work to help a troubled kid successfully turn life around. But what I'm trying to say is that I think you have the wrong mindset. As the grown up - the parents - it's your obligation to get your kid to be successfully independent. And some kids take longer than others - mine is 23 and only halfway through college, but he's halfway through college.
And, you might be the step mom. But you accepted that role when you married dad with a kid. So you need to own your obligations here. I hope you all figure out how to change your dynamics.
I don't think the dynamic is the issue. I think the focus is. The most important thing is doing what it takes to help the child grow up to be a successful, independent and productive adult. And OP's post focused on her and on punishment. And your post is focusing on the problems the adults created for themselves - which they are using as an excuse for not focusing on how to help the child grow up to be independent and successful. If OP had made a hint of trying to do the right thing but being blocked, then I may have a different view. But OP expressed concern about allowing dad to keep a crazy schedule that excludes any responsibility for teen. And OP wants to protect herself and punish kid. And no one is looking at helping teen to grow up.
FWIW, I don't have a traditional family. But it doesn't matter. What counts is what you do to help the kid be successful - not what you do to punish for the problems they cause you.
Illustrating why divorced people with children should not remarry until their kids are successfully launched.
When kids are in the picture—the focus has to be on them and getting them to adulthood. Throwing in stepparents who are worried about their marriage dynamic and confusing the parenting just sucks.
The stepdaughter's behavior (for OP's description) is extreme and indicative of serious untreated mental illness. It is just as likely that the same behaviors could have developed even if home situation was perfect and divorce never occurred. Dad and mom need to figure out what needs to be done to get teen under the care of a mental health professional. OP can support that "plan" as a step parent.
Anonymous wrote:It’s still dynamics. The things you mentioned, therapy, medication, working with schools. You can’t do that as a step mom! And if you are the only adult pressing for that, YOU are the bad guy! All you can do is suggest the therapy and drop hints like “I would be at the kids school if it was OUR child”, and try to support your husband in his half-ass attempts at disciplining like “hiding” the phone, but oops she found it, oh well! You can’t be outraged if he isn’t. You can try to fight your husband about it like I did, but it gets to a point where it’s like I shouldn’t care more than everyone else and let my own marriage suffer.
It’s hard enough watching your bio child self district, but at least you can actually do something about it. All these people piling on OP is because they are bio moms only and couldn’t imagine another woman with their husband/ex trying to parent their child differently or looking for a gotcha that a step mom could never be a real mom. But also they “would never” take someone else’s child on themselves. Hmmmm. (not saying you specifically but many PPs are so nasty here and in other step mom threads)
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m a step mom PP. Unless you have been in a blended family you really can’t judge. What you are missing here is the step parent/step child, guilty parents, new wife dynamic. Most of the time a step parent that comes into a situation like this wants to do what they think is best for the child, but boundaries have to be respected. If the bio parents aren’t aligned with you — and I say this with the most grace for them— going against your husband AND a typically delicate dynamic with another woman who is the ex and actual mom, AND a child who is against any authority… it’s just not the same.
And yes, this is what we “signed up for”, just like you “signed up for” every challenge that came with your spouse. We went through this with my step daughter 8-10 years ago and she is doing better than most at 25, marriage is stronger than ever with this behind us, and I actually learned a lot as a parent to my own kids so I’m glad I signed up for this!!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior. She is with us 50% of the time and is out of control.
This past weekend was the tipping point. She came home drunk, was vaping cannabis in our house, stayed up most of the night making noise, and took my credit card to spend over $200 on takeout to send to a boy’s house at 3 a.m.
This isn’t isolated. In the past, she has been drunk and smoked before, regularly sneaks out to boys’ houses, and has tried to bring boys into our home without permission. She has stolen our credit cards and taken our cars without permission, racking up thousands of dollars in charges (we involved police previously). She has also been suspended from school for vaping and continues to skip class, vape, and hang around school. At home, she does nothing but sit on TikTok and YouTube, doesn’t clean up after herself, and refuses to make food. We have to lock up alcohol because she will steal it and give it to friends.
We’ve tried consequences like removing her phone, car access, and outings, but she refuses to hand things over, throws huge tantrums, and finds ways around restrictions (finding hidden keys, etc.). It feels like constant power struggles and chaos.
At this point, our main goal is protecting our home, finances, and peace. We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend, while we regroup, and she had a massive meltdown and told her dad he must hate her. We’re already feel a little
More at ease.
Has anyone dealt with something like this? What actually helped?
You, you, you. Is protecting his daughter's health and well-being-- and potentially her life-- not the main goal? What kind of man did you marry?!?!?
As a parent who has a difficult child (and he probably makes your daughter look like child's play), there are two things that stood out to me. This is one. There is not a single mention of how you help your child to grow up to be an independent and successful adult. Just how to protect yourself. The second is that all you've done is punish and you're looking for new ways.
When our child started down the path towards mutual destruction (him and the family), our entire focus shifted to what do we need to do to make him successful. And, all of us (other kids included) were a part of the solution. We protected ourselves too - like locking credit cards, which is so obvious that I can't believe someone had to say it, and locking car keys. We got him therapy and medication, worked with the school to provide services so that he could be successful there, helped him get a job and then drove him there and home for every single shift. I could keep going. And you might think I want to pat myself on the back, which I sometimes do because it is a freaking lot of work to help a troubled kid successfully turn life around. But what I'm trying to say is that I think you have the wrong mindset. As the grown up - the parents - it's your obligation to get your kid to be successfully independent. And some kids take longer than others - mine is 23 and only halfway through college, but he's halfway through college.
And, you might be the step mom. But you accepted that role when you married dad with a kid. So you need to own your obligations here. I hope you all figure out how to change your dynamics.
I don't think the dynamic is the issue. I think the focus is. The most important thing is doing what it takes to help the child grow up to be a successful, independent and productive adult. And OP's post focused on her and on punishment. And your post is focusing on the problems the adults created for themselves - which they are using as an excuse for not focusing on how to help the child grow up to be independent and successful. If OP had made a hint of trying to do the right thing but being blocked, then I may have a different view. But OP expressed concern about allowing dad to keep a crazy schedule that excludes any responsibility for teen. And OP wants to protect herself and punish kid. And no one is looking at helping teen to grow up.
FWIW, I don't have a traditional family. But it doesn't matter. What counts is what you do to help the kid be successful - not what you do to punish for the problems they cause you.
Illustrating why divorced people with children should not remarry until their kids are successfully launched.
When kids are in the picture—the focus has to be on them and getting them to adulthood. Throwing in stepparents who are worried about their marriage dynamic and confusing the parenting just sucks.
True, if the kids are older. It often works out fine for babies though. Too young to remember an intact original family.
Anonymous wrote:Hi - take a look at the book, The Parallel Process by Pozatek. You might be able to manage at home; there is some good advice here. It also depends on what's going on at mom's house. A parent coach and family therapy could help. You might want to consider outdoor therapy programs. There are a few really good ones.
Do you mean like Outward Bound?
Hi - Like Second Nature, BlueFire, Elements, Blue Ridge. Maybe like Outward Bound Intercept. Regular Outward Bound isn't therapeutic, is short term, and I don't think it would be enough here.
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