Stepdaughter (16) is out of control

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She tends to do a bit better at her mom’s house, which is part of why we decided to send her there. Her parents have been divorced for many years and I’ve been in her life for several, so this isn’t a brand new dynamic. She’s done therapy in the past but is currently refusing to go. We’ve also tried for years to get her a full neuropsych evaluation, but she won’t participate. She was diagnosed with ADHD by her pediatrician in elementary school, but she will not take any medication or see her psychiatrist. We’ve tried so many different approaches over the years, but she refuses to listen to or respect my husband at all, which has made things especially difficult. -OP

1. Does she have any siblings and how are they? Is she oldest, youngest or middle?
2. Why did her parents divorce and hold old was she then?
3. How is your relationship with her one-on one? How is your relationship with her mother? How is dad's relationship with the bio mom?
4. Of course she was diagnosed with ADHD; that's the first default. It means nothing. You are medicalizing a problem that is probably trauma related to her parents' divorce.
5. When did her relationship with her father nosedive, and why?

She’s the youngest of three — a 21-year-old brother in college and an 18-year-old sister who’s a senior heading to college in the fall. Her sister is a absolute sweetheart, and her brother is an amazing young man. I’ve raised them and did most of their dads 50%, and we’re very proud. So, it took a lot to send her to her moms, because we’ve tried everything and really prioritize them. There were times where we’d have the kids more than 50% custody, by choice, to give mom a break.

Her parents got divorced due to multiple issues like finances and compatibility. My husband and I have married since she was in elementary. There wasn’t one dramatic event.

I have a decent relationship with her, and her mom and I are respectful and get along. My husband is cordial with his ex-wife. She has a professional ADHD diagnosis, which absolutely plays a role. There wasn’t a single moment where her relationship with her dad “nosedived” — it’s more typical teen boundary-pushing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She tends to do a bit better at her mom’s house, which is part of why we decided to send her there. Her parents have been divorced for many years and I’ve been in her life for several, so this isn’t a brand new dynamic. She’s done therapy in the past but is currently refusing to go. We’ve also tried for years to get her a full neuropsych evaluation, but she won’t participate. She was diagnosed with ADHD by her pediatrician in elementary school, but she will not take any medication or see her psychiatrist. We’ve tried so many different approaches over the years, but she refuses to listen to or respect my husband at all, which has made things especially difficult. -OP

1. Does she have any siblings and how are they? Is she oldest, youngest or middle?
2. Why did her parents divorce and hold old was she then?
3. How is your relationship with her one-on one? How is your relationship with her mother? How is dad's relationship with the bio mom?
4. Of course she was diagnosed with ADHD; that's the first default. It means nothing. You are medicalizing a problem that is probably trauma related to her parents' divorce.
5. When did her relationship with her father nosedive, and why?

She’s the youngest of three — a 21-year-old brother in college and an 18-year-old sister who’s a senior heading to college in the fall. Her sister is a absolute sweetheart, and her brother is an amazing young man. I’ve raised them and did most of their dads 50%, and we’re very proud. So, it took a lot to send her to her moms, because we’ve tried everything and really prioritize them. There were times where we’d have the kids more than 50% custody, by choice, to give mom a break.

Her parents got divorced due to multiple issues like finances and compatibility. My husband and I have married since she was in elementary. There wasn’t one dramatic event.

I have a decent relationship with her, and her mom and I are respectful and get along. My husband is cordial with his ex-wife. She has a professional ADHD diagnosis, which absolutely plays a role. There wasn’t a single moment where her relationship with her dad “nosedived” — it’s more typical teen boundary-pushing.

Sounds like it's way more than typical.

Explain again why her father cannot work less and spend more time parenting her. And explain why you married a man when you had to do most of his parenting time for him.

[Anonymous]

You said "our main goal is protecting our home, finances, and peace". That really speaks volumes about how you, and worse, her father, are giving up and avoiding her. Shouldn't your main goal be helping your child to regain her mental health and make better choices?

[Anonymous]

You should get a safe to keep the keys in and an alarm for the doors and windows to get out of the house so she can’t sneak out without you knowing about it.

[Anonymous]

You and your husband need to talk to a therapist about this issue even if she refuses to go. You need guidance on how to approach these challenges from a professional.

Probably issues arising from her siblings moving out as well.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, this isn’t your fault and there really isn’t anything wrong with prioritizing your home, finances, and peace. I don’t know why people here are trying to push issues onto you. You’re her STEPmom. It’s so weird. People like to say that DHs need to parent but love putting responsibility onto the stepmom too. I don’t know what it is, but I’m assuming it’s misogyny. Teens are tough, hang in there, and make sure to take care of yourself. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

You probably encouraged him to “protect your finances and home” and kick her out. People who say that (barring abuse) children are happier if their parents divorce should read this woman’s post.

[Anonymous]

Thanks OP for reminding all of us that we have to stay married no matter what. You are a POS. I hope you have your own kids so you can experience teenager-hood with an actual stake in the game, unlike this time, where you clearly don’t want to do any parenting or paying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn’t your fault and there really isn’t anything wrong with prioritizing your home, finances, and peace. I don’t know why people here are trying to push issues onto you. You’re her STEPmom. It’s so weird. People like to say that DHs need to parent but love putting responsibility onto the stepmom too. I don’t know what it is, but I’m assuming it’s misogyny. Teens are tough, hang in there, and make sure to take care of yourself. Good luck!

Because in the real world we know that men tend to listen to their wives. Many are happy to cut off their parents and kick out their kids if their wife tells them to do that.

This doesn’t mean those men aren’t trash, because they are, but we all know the wives who prod them to do these things.

[Anonymous]

You didn’t “raise” the other kids or do the dads 50% whatever TF that means. They have actual parents. That were there. Encourage them to get parenting now. She is screaming for help. She needs parents who care enough to commit to figuring out how to give that to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn’t your fault and there really isn’t anything wrong with prioritizing your home, finances, and peace. I don’t know why people here are trying to push issues onto you. You’re her STEPmom. It’s so weird. People like to say that DHs need to parent but love putting responsibility onto the stepmom too. I don’t know what it is, but I’m assuming it’s misogyny. Teens are tough, hang in there, and make sure to take care of yourself. Good luck!

Because in the real world we know that men tend to listen to their wives. Many are happy to cut off their parents and kick out their kids if their wife tells them to do that.

This doesn’t mean those men aren’t trash, because they are, but we all know the wives who prod them to do these things.

So everything is always the woman’s fault? No, the men are grown adults who make their own decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior.

Why would anyone lead with this?
Got to be a troll post

I kind of agree. It’s an odd way to start a post. It’s also not in the right forum. I would think someone who comes online to pour their heart out and seek advice would do it in a community that they regularly engage in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She tends to do a bit better at her mom’s house, which is part of why we decided to send her there. Her parents have been divorced for many years and I’ve been in her life for several, so this isn’t a brand new dynamic. She’s done therapy in the past but is currently refusing to go. We’ve also tried for years to get her a full neuropsych evaluation, but she won’t participate. She was diagnosed with ADHD by her pediatrician in elementary school, but she will not take any medication or see her psychiatrist. We’ve tried so many different approaches over the years, but she refuses to listen to or respect my husband at all, which has made things especially difficult. -OP

1. Does she have any siblings and how are they? Is she oldest, youngest or middle?
2. Why did her parents divorce and hold old was she then?
3. How is your relationship with her one-on one? How is your relationship with her mother? How is dad's relationship with the bio mom?
4. Of course she was diagnosed with ADHD; that's the first default. It means nothing. You are medicalizing a problem that is probably trauma related to her parents' divorce.
5. When did her relationship with her father nosedive, and why?

To be fair, she could actually have ADHD, and avoiding medication could be a part of the issue. ADHD kids lack impulse control and seek dopamine wherever they can. It's worth getting some cognitive testing done, as ADHD can be managed with medication and cognitive training, or at least, we've seen very positive results in my DC.

[Anonymous]

Evicting the homewrecker helps

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a troll right?

Sadly, this is probably not a troll and why you don’t want your kids to have step parents.

It’s easy to demonize a stepmom but notice which parent cares enough to write this post? Workaholic dad is escaping into work. Stepmom is at the end of her rope. She CARES enough to ask for help here. She is clearly not the villain. Dad is the one who needs to take time off and parent his daughter. Maybe even take a demotion or forget about being on partner track.

I was this stepmom 15 years ago, powerless as I watched the train wreck before me and frustrated and pissed that my DH and his ex were basically refusing to parent. I posted here so often asking for help and advice and I was lucky to occasionally get a nugget or two of wisdom amidst all the stepmom hate. My DH and his ex were so caught up in avoiding conflict with their daughter (because they didn’t want to “lose” her to the less strict parent) tha they let her get away with SO MUCH self-destruction; it was torture to watch. And torture for my SD who was screaming, screaming (through her increasingly self-destructive actions) for someone to SET SOME LIMITS and boundaries in her life. She ended up a heroin addict, finding her habit through stripping and later worse.

I was the only one who saw the truth of what she was doing. I did get her into voluntary rehab once, but she stayed only 30 days and it didn’t stick. (Her mom came to get her, didn’t stick to any of our boundaries, and set her up on a road to death again.) She was arrested I can’t count how many times. The only thing tha finally got DH to cut her off was when her BFF oD’d and died. We told her we would pay for inpatient treatment and nothing else, no lawyers, no bail, no rent.

She is clean now, and has been for 7 years. I am closer to her than either of her parents, and she has told me more of what she went through than either of them know. I am not her mom, and I never will be, but I know my love and care helped guide her path back to life. Her parents’ enabling nearly killed her.

OP’s DH needs to be a dad.