Stepdaughter (16) is out of control

[Anonymous]

A future abuser thanks you for giving your stepdaughter abandonment issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of mental health services is she getting now? OP, the girl you described needs serious help before she ends up with a DUI (or worse) or pegnant. I think stepmothers generally should stay disengaged, but if neither of her parents is dealing with this, you might want to take a more active approach, or you'll never figure it out.

I meant to say, you'll never forgive yourself if something really bad happens to her or someone else, and you did nothing when you saw it coming. You could research therapists and inpatient and outpatient services and present them to your DH and/or her mom. I feel like in this case, anything is better than nothing.

They will forgive themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior. She is with us 50% of the time and is out of control.

This past weekend was the tipping point. She came home drunk, was vaping cannabis in our house, stayed up most of the night making noise, and took my credit card to spend over $200 on takeout to send to a boy’s house at 3 a.m.

This isn’t isolated. In the past, she has been drunk and smoked before, regularly sneaks out to boys’ houses, and has tried to bring boys into our home without permission. She has stolen our credit cards and taken our cars without permission, racking up thousands of dollars in charges (we involved police previously). She has also been suspended from school for vaping and continues to skip class, vape, and hang around school. At home, she does nothing but sit on TikTok and YouTube, doesn’t clean up after herself, and refuses to make food. We have to lock up alcohol because she will steal it and give it to friends.

We’ve tried consequences like removing her phone, car access, and outings, but she refuses to hand things over, throws huge tantrums, and finds ways around restrictions (finding hidden keys, etc.). It feels like constant power struggles and chaos.

At this point, our main goal is protecting our home, finances, and peace. We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend, while we regroup, and she had a massive meltdown and told her dad he must hate her. We’re already feel a little
More at ease.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? What actually helped?

You, you, you. Is protecting his daughter's health and well-being-- and potentially her life-- not the main goal? What kind of man did you marry?!?!?

[Anonymous]

Sorry your husband is too busy to be a parent to his desperate child. I guess she should just understand that making money and being a fancy lawyer are more important than spending time with her.

[Anonymous]

OP and Dad don’t seem interested in spending time w this child who behaves as such.

Where is her Bio mother? What’s she have to say ? What’s dad have to say? Why are you charging this effort solo?

Therapy
Boarding School
Discipline
Boundaries

Good Luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP and Dad don’t seem interested in spending time w this child who behaves as such.

Where is her Bio mother? What’s she have to say ? What’s dad have to say? Why are you charging this effort solo?

Therapy
Boarding School
Discipline
Boundaries

Good Luck.

Oh no, he's not interested. Waaaaah. Didn't realize we only have to parent our children if we happen to feel interested.

[Anonymous]

Do you have children of your own, i.e. are their step-siblings? Have you forced a blended family on her?

[Anonymous]

OP feels at ease because her stepdad thinks her dad hates her?

This soooo sad. You can’t DH should be the adults if you want her to behave better.

[Anonymous]

Stepdaughter, obvs ^^

[Anonymous]

Read Ross Greene’s work. Pick a couple of things that seem like the most important, get those under control, and let the rest go.

Frankly, I would not worry about the vaping cannabis at home or the taking the credit card. I’m not saying those things are okay, but they aren’t going to kill anyone. I would focus on the sneaking out and stealing the car. Install an alarm on the outside doors that she doesn’t have the code to. Put the car keys in a safe. If she’s grounded, then you need to stay home with her on Friday and Saturday night and watch movies and play scrabble. If she’s out, then you need to know where she is going.

Personally, I would change my job in order to do this for a few years. But I am not a lawyer, and I know that culture is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read Ross Greene’s work. Pick a couple of things that seem like the most important, get those under control, and let the rest go.

Frankly, I would not worry about the vaping cannabis at home or the taking the credit card. I’m not saying those things are okay, but they aren’t going to kill anyone. I would focus on the sneaking out and stealing the car. Install an alarm on the outside doors that she doesn’t have the code to. Put the car keys in a safe. If she’s grounded, then you need to stay home with her on Friday and Saturday night and watch movies and play scrabble. If she’s out, then you need to know where she is going.

Personally, I would change my job in order to do this for a few years. But I am not a lawyer, and I know that culture is different.

Right. No lawyer prioritizes their child.

[Anonymous]

My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior.

Why would anyone lead with this?
Got to be a troll post

[Anonymous]

OP- there are no easy solutions. Even if she will not go to therapy- your DH and his ex (and possibly you) should find someone who can help you three navigate this. Time is not on your side. It’s harder to solve the older she gets. She deserves to be loved and cared for - even when she is prickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read Ross Greene’s work. Pick a couple of things that seem like the most important, get those under control, and let the rest go.

Frankly, I would not worry about the vaping cannabis at home or the taking the credit card. I’m not saying those things are okay, but they aren’t going to kill anyone. I would focus on the sneaking out and stealing the car. Install an alarm on the outside doors that she doesn’t have the code to. Put the car keys in a safe. If she’s grounded, then you need to stay home with her on Friday and Saturday night and watch movies and play scrabble. If she’s out, then you need to know where she is going.

Personally, I would change my job in order to do this for a few years. But I am not a lawyer, and I know that culture is different.

Right. No lawyer prioritizes their child.

Pp here. That wasn’t what I meant to say. I meant to say that it is easy for me to cut back at work for a few years and then return to a similar position. I don’t know that it’s something a lawyer at a big firm can do. Maybe they can. I just don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Next time she comes over, you go stay in a hotel and ask Dad to supervise her. I am positive he is "working" while leaving his parenting to whatever woman he has at home. YOU do not need to be involved in fixing this teenager. But her father DOES need to be involved. He should take the whole weekend off and be with her for all of it. Have meals with her, do something active with her, have her stay in at night and just be with him.

After a few weekends like that, he should have a better idea why she hates him so much and what he can do to help her.