Stepdaughter (16) is out of control

[Anonymous]

OP do you feel like her mother? Love her? If not flee. This will get a lot worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not having an irrational step mom and not having an absent father could help.

How is she irrational?

OP, what's life like with her mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior. She is with us 50% of the time and is out of control.

This past weekend was the tipping point. She came home drunk, was vaping cannabis in our house, stayed up most of the night making noise, and took my credit card to spend over $200 on takeout to send to a boy’s house at 3 a.m.

This isn’t isolated. In the past, she has been drunk and smoked before, regularly sneaks out to boys’ houses, and has tried to bring boys into our home without permission. She has stolen our credit cards and taken our cars without permission, racking up thousands of dollars in charges (we involved police previously). She has also been suspended from school for vaping and continues to skip class, vape, and hang around school. At home, she does nothing but sit on TikTok and YouTube, doesn’t clean up after herself, and refuses to make food. We have to lock up alcohol because she will steal it and give it to friends.

We’ve tried consequences like removing her phone, car access, and outings, but she refuses to hand things over, throws huge tantrums, and finds ways around restrictions (finding hidden keys, etc.). It feels like constant power struggles and chaos.

At this point, our main goal is protecting our home, finances, and peace. We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend, while we regroup, and she had a massive meltdown and told her dad he must hate her. We’re already feel a little
More at ease.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? What actually helped?

You, you, you. Is protecting his daughter's health and well-being-- and potentially her life-- not the main goal? What kind of man did you marry?!?!?

As a parent who has a difficult child (and he probably makes your daughter look like child's play), there are two things that stood out to me. This is one. There is not a single mention of how you help your child to grow up to be an independent and successful adult. Just how to protect yourself. The second is that all you've done is punish and you're looking for new ways.

When our child started down the path towards mutual destruction (him and the family), our entire focus shifted to what do we need to do to make him successful. And, all of us (other kids included) were a part of the solution. We protected ourselves too - like locking credit cards, which is so obvious that I can't believe someone had to say it, and locking car keys. We got him therapy and medication, worked with the school to provide services so that he could be successful there, helped him get a job and then drove him there and home for every single shift. I could keep going. And you might think I want to pat myself on the back, which I sometimes do because it is a freaking lot of work to help a troubled kid successfully turn life around. But what I'm trying to say is that I think you have the wrong mindset. As the grown up - the parents - it's your obligation to get your kid to be successfully independent. And some kids take longer than others - mine is 23 and only halfway through college, but he's halfway through college.

And, you might be the step mom. But you accepted that role when you married dad with a kid. So you need to own your obligations here. I hope you all figure out how to change your dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior. She is with us 50% of the time and is out of control.

This past weekend was the tipping point. She came home drunk, was vaping cannabis in our house, stayed up most of the night making noise, and took my credit card to spend over $200 on takeout to send to a boy’s house at 3 a.m.

This isn’t isolated. In the past, she has been drunk and smoked before, regularly sneaks out to boys’ houses, and has tried to bring boys into our home without permission. She has stolen our credit cards and taken our cars without permission, racking up thousands of dollars in charges (we involved police previously). She has also been suspended from school for vaping and continues to skip class, vape, and hang around school. At home, she does nothing but sit on TikTok and YouTube, doesn’t clean up after herself, and refuses to make food. We have to lock up alcohol because she will steal it and give it to friends.

We’ve tried consequences like removing her phone, car access, and outings, but she refuses to hand things over, throws huge tantrums, and finds ways around restrictions (finding hidden keys, etc.). It feels like constant power struggles and chaos.

At this point, our main goal is protecting our home, finances, and peace. We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend, while we regroup, and she had a massive meltdown and told her dad he must hate her. We’re already feel a little
More at ease.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? What actually helped?

You, you, you. Is protecting his daughter's health and well-being-- and potentially her life-- not the main goal? What kind of man did you marry?!?!?

As a parent who has a difficult child (and he probably makes your daughter look like child's play), there are two things that stood out to me. This is one. There is not a single mention of how you help your child to grow up to be an independent and successful adult. Just how to protect yourself. The second is that all you've done is punish and you're looking for new ways.

When our child started down the path towards mutual destruction (him and the family), our entire focus shifted to what do we need to do to make him successful. And, all of us (other kids included) were a part of the solution. We protected ourselves too - like locking credit cards, which is so obvious that I can't believe someone had to say it, and locking car keys. We got him therapy and medication, worked with the school to provide services so that he could be successful there, helped him get a job and then drove him there and home for every single shift. I could keep going. And you might think I want to pat myself on the back, which I sometimes do because it is a freaking lot of work to help a troubled kid successfully turn life around. But what I'm trying to say is that I think you have the wrong mindset. As the grown up - the parents - it's your obligation to get your kid to be successfully independent. And some kids take longer than others - mine is 23 and only halfway through college, but he's halfway through college.

And, you might be the step mom. But you accepted that role when you married dad with a kid. So you need to own your obligations here. I hope you all figure out how to change your dynamics.

This is an interesting post. I'm not OP but thank you. I also have one who's a bit of a nightmare. I'm glad you posted.

[Anonymous]

Hi - take a look at the book, The Parallel Process by Pozatek. You might be able to manage at home; there is some good advice here. It also depends on what's going on at mom's house. A parent coach and family therapy could help. You might want to consider outdoor therapy programs. There are a few really good ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi - take a look at the book, The Parallel Process by Pozatek. You might be able to manage at home; there is some good advice here. It also depends on what's going on at mom's house. A parent coach and family therapy could help. You might want to consider outdoor therapy programs. There are a few really good ones.

Do you mean like Outward Bound?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inpatient treatment.

This or military boarding school. This is nonsense.

[Anonymous]

I’m a step mom PP. Unless you have been in a blended family you really can’t judge. What you are missing here is the step parent/step child, guilty parents, new wife dynamic. Most of the time a step parent that comes into a situation like this wants to do what they think is best for the child, but boundaries have to be respected. If the bio parents aren’t aligned with you — and I say this with the most grace for them— going against your husband AND a typically delicate dynamic with another woman who is the ex and actual mom, AND a child who is against any authority… it’s just not the same.
And yes, this is what we “signed up for”, just like you “signed up for” every challenge that came with your spouse. We went through this with my step daughter 8-10 years ago and she is doing better than most at 25, marriage is stronger than ever with this behind us, and I actually learned a lot as a parent to my own kids so I’m glad I signed up for this!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior. She is with us 50% of the time and is out of control.

This past weekend was the tipping point. She came home drunk, was vaping cannabis in our house, stayed up most of the night making noise, and took my credit card to spend over $200 on takeout to send to a boy’s house at 3 a.m.

This isn’t isolated. In the past, she has been drunk and smoked before, regularly sneaks out to boys’ houses, and has tried to bring boys into our home without permission. She has stolen our credit cards and taken our cars without permission, racking up thousands of dollars in charges (we involved police previously). She has also been suspended from school for vaping and continues to skip class, vape, and hang around school. At home, she does nothing but sit on TikTok and YouTube, doesn’t clean up after herself, and refuses to make food. We have to lock up alcohol because she will steal it and give it to friends.

We’ve tried consequences like removing her phone, car access, and outings, but she refuses to hand things over, throws huge tantrums, and finds ways around restrictions (finding hidden keys, etc.). It feels like constant power struggles and chaos.

At this point, our main goal is protecting our home, finances, and peace. We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend, while we regroup, and she had a massive meltdown and told her dad he must hate her. We’re already feel a little
More at ease.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? What actually helped?

You, you, you. Is protecting his daughter's health and well-being-- and potentially her life-- not the main goal? What kind of man did you marry?!?!?

As a parent who has a difficult child (and he probably makes your daughter look like child's play), there are two things that stood out to me. This is one. There is not a single mention of how you help your child to grow up to be an independent and successful adult. Just how to protect yourself. The second is that all you've done is punish and you're looking for new ways.

When our child started down the path towards mutual destruction (him and the family), our entire focus shifted to what do we need to do to make him successful. And, all of us (other kids included) were a part of the solution. We protected ourselves too - like locking credit cards, which is so obvious that I can't believe someone had to say it, and locking car keys. We got him therapy and medication, worked with the school to provide services so that he could be successful there, helped him get a job and then drove him there and home for every single shift. I could keep going. And you might think I want to pat myself on the back, which I sometimes do because it is a freaking lot of work to help a troubled kid successfully turn life around. But what I'm trying to say is that I think you have the wrong mindset. As the grown up - the parents - it's your obligation to get your kid to be successfully independent. And some kids take longer than others - mine is 23 and only halfway through college, but he's halfway through college.

And, you might be the step mom. But you accepted that role when you married dad with a kid. So you need to own your obligations here. I hope you all figure out how to change your dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe her dad needs to actually spend some time with her?????

THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a step mom PP. Unless you have been in a blended family you really can’t judge. What you are missing here is the step parent/step child, guilty parents, new wife dynamic. Most of the time a step parent that comes into a situation like this wants to do what they think is best for the child, but boundaries have to be respected. If the bio parents aren’t aligned with you — and I say this with the most grace for them— going against your husband AND a typically delicate dynamic with another woman who is the ex and actual mom, AND a child who is against any authority… it’s just not the same.
And yes, this is what we “signed up for”, just like you “signed up for” every challenge that came with your spouse. We went through this with my step daughter 8-10 years ago and she is doing better than most at 25, marriage is stronger than ever with this behind us, and I actually learned a lot as a parent to my own kids so I’m glad I signed up for this!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior. She is with us 50% of the time and is out of control.

This past weekend was the tipping point. She came home drunk, was vaping cannabis in our house, stayed up most of the night making noise, and took my credit card to spend over $200 on takeout to send to a boy’s house at 3 a.m.

This isn’t isolated. In the past, she has been drunk and smoked before, regularly sneaks out to boys’ houses, and has tried to bring boys into our home without permission. She has stolen our credit cards and taken our cars without permission, racking up thousands of dollars in charges (we involved police previously). She has also been suspended from school for vaping and continues to skip class, vape, and hang around school. At home, she does nothing but sit on TikTok and YouTube, doesn’t clean up after herself, and refuses to make food. We have to lock up alcohol because she will steal it and give it to friends.

We’ve tried consequences like removing her phone, car access, and outings, but she refuses to hand things over, throws huge tantrums, and finds ways around restrictions (finding hidden keys, etc.). It feels like constant power struggles and chaos.

At this point, our main goal is protecting our home, finances, and peace. We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend, while we regroup, and she had a massive meltdown and told her dad he must hate her. We’re already feel a little
More at ease.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? What actually helped?

You, you, you. Is protecting his daughter's health and well-being-- and potentially her life-- not the main goal? What kind of man did you marry?!?!?

As a parent who has a difficult child (and he probably makes your daughter look like child's play), there are two things that stood out to me. This is one. There is not a single mention of how you help your child to grow up to be an independent and successful adult. Just how to protect yourself. The second is that all you've done is punish and you're looking for new ways.

When our child started down the path towards mutual destruction (him and the family), our entire focus shifted to what do we need to do to make him successful. And, all of us (other kids included) were a part of the solution. We protected ourselves too - like locking credit cards, which is so obvious that I can't believe someone had to say it, and locking car keys. We got him therapy and medication, worked with the school to provide services so that he could be successful there, helped him get a job and then drove him there and home for every single shift. I could keep going. And you might think I want to pat myself on the back, which I sometimes do because it is a freaking lot of work to help a troubled kid successfully turn life around. But what I'm trying to say is that I think you have the wrong mindset. As the grown up - the parents - it's your obligation to get your kid to be successfully independent. And some kids take longer than others - mine is 23 and only halfway through college, but he's halfway through college.

And, you might be the step mom. But you accepted that role when you married dad with a kid. So you need to own your obligations here. I hope you all figure out how to change your dynamics.

I don't think the dynamic is the issue. I think the focus is. The most important thing is doing what it takes to help the child grow up to be a successful, independent and productive adult. And OP's post focused on her and on punishment. And your post is focusing on the problems the adults created for themselves - which they are using as an excuse for not focusing on how to help the child grow up to be independent and successful. If OP had made a hint of trying to do the right thing but being blocked, then I may have a different view. But OP expressed concern about allowing dad to keep a crazy schedule that excludes any responsibility for teen. And OP wants to protect herself and punish kid. And no one is looking at helping teen to grow up.

FWIW, I don't have a traditional family. But it doesn't matter. What counts is what you do to help the kid be successful - not what you do to punish for the problems they cause you.

[Anonymous]

It’s still dynamics. The things you mentioned, therapy, medication, working with schools. You can’t do that as a step mom! And if you are the only adult pressing for that, YOU are the bad guy! All you can do is suggest the therapy and drop hints like “I would be at the kids school if it was OUR child”, and try to support your husband in his half-ass attempts at disciplining like “hiding” the phone, but oops she found it, oh well! You can’t be outraged if he isn’t. You can try to fight your husband about it like I did, but it gets to a point where it’s like I shouldn’t care more than everyone else and let my own marriage suffer.
It’s hard enough watching your bio child self district, but at least you can actually do something about it. All these people piling on OP is because they are bio moms only and couldn’t imagine another woman with their husband/ex trying to parent their child differently or looking for a gotcha that a step mom could never be a real mom. But also they “would never” take someone else’s child on themselves. Hmmmm. (not saying you specifically but many PPs are so nasty here and in other step mom threads)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a step mom PP. Unless you have been in a blended family you really can’t judge. What you are missing here is the step parent/step child, guilty parents, new wife dynamic. Most of the time a step parent that comes into a situation like this wants to do what they think is best for the child, but boundaries have to be respected. If the bio parents aren’t aligned with you — and I say this with the most grace for them— going against your husband AND a typically delicate dynamic with another woman who is the ex and actual mom, AND a child who is against any authority… it’s just not the same.
And yes, this is what we “signed up for”, just like you “signed up for” every challenge that came with your spouse. We went through this with my step daughter 8-10 years ago and she is doing better than most at 25, marriage is stronger than ever with this behind us, and I actually learned a lot as a parent to my own kids so I’m glad I signed up for this!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior. She is with us 50% of the time and is out of control.

This past weekend was the tipping point. She came home drunk, was vaping cannabis in our house, stayed up most of the night making noise, and took my credit card to spend over $200 on takeout to send to a boy’s house at 3 a.m.

This isn’t isolated. In the past, she has been drunk and smoked before, regularly sneaks out to boys’ houses, and has tried to bring boys into our home without permission. She has stolen our credit cards and taken our cars without permission, racking up thousands of dollars in charges (we involved police previously). She has also been suspended from school for vaping and continues to skip class, vape, and hang around school. At home, she does nothing but sit on TikTok and YouTube, doesn’t clean up after herself, and refuses to make food. We have to lock up alcohol because she will steal it and give it to friends.

We’ve tried consequences like removing her phone, car access, and outings, but she refuses to hand things over, throws huge tantrums, and finds ways around restrictions (finding hidden keys, etc.). It feels like constant power struggles and chaos.

At this point, our main goal is protecting our home, finances, and peace. We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend, while we regroup, and she had a massive meltdown and told her dad he must hate her. We’re already feel a little
More at ease.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? What actually helped?

You, you, you. Is protecting his daughter's health and well-being-- and potentially her life-- not the main goal? What kind of man did you marry?!?!?

As a parent who has a difficult child (and he probably makes your daughter look like child's play), there are two things that stood out to me. This is one. There is not a single mention of how you help your child to grow up to be an independent and successful adult. Just how to protect yourself. The second is that all you've done is punish and you're looking for new ways.

When our child started down the path towards mutual destruction (him and the family), our entire focus shifted to what do we need to do to make him successful. And, all of us (other kids included) were a part of the solution. We protected ourselves too - like locking credit cards, which is so obvious that I can't believe someone had to say it, and locking car keys. We got him therapy and medication, worked with the school to provide services so that he could be successful there, helped him get a job and then drove him there and home for every single shift. I could keep going. And you might think I want to pat myself on the back, which I sometimes do because it is a freaking lot of work to help a troubled kid successfully turn life around. But what I'm trying to say is that I think you have the wrong mindset. As the grown up - the parents - it's your obligation to get your kid to be successfully independent. And some kids take longer than others - mine is 23 and only halfway through college, but he's halfway through college.

And, you might be the step mom. But you accepted that role when you married dad with a kid. So you need to own your obligations here. I hope you all figure out how to change your dynamics.

I don't think the dynamic is the issue. I think the focus is. The most important thing is doing what it takes to help the child grow up to be a successful, independent and productive adult. And OP's post focused on her and on punishment. And your post is focusing on the problems the adults created for themselves - which they are using as an excuse for not focusing on how to help the child grow up to be independent and successful. If OP had made a hint of trying to do the right thing but being blocked, then I may have a different view. But OP expressed concern about allowing dad to keep a crazy schedule that excludes any responsibility for teen. And OP wants to protect herself and punish kid. And no one is looking at helping teen to grow up.

FWIW, I don't have a traditional family. But it doesn't matter. What counts is what you do to help the kid be successful - not what you do to punish for the problems they cause you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s still dynamics. The things you mentioned, therapy, medication, working with schools. You can’t do that as a step mom! And if you are the only adult pressing for that, YOU are the bad guy! All you can do is suggest the therapy and drop hints like “I would be at the kids school if it was OUR child”, and try to support your husband in his half-ass attempts at disciplining like “hiding” the phone, but oops she found it, oh well! You can’t be outraged if he isn’t. You can try to fight your husband about it like I did, but it gets to a point where it’s like I shouldn’t care more than everyone else and let my own marriage suffer.
It’s hard enough watching your bio child self district, but at least you can actually do something about it. All these people piling on OP is because they are bio moms only and couldn’t imagine another woman with their husband/ex trying to parent their child differently or looking for a gotcha that a step mom could never be a real mom. But also they “would never” take someone else’s child on themselves. Hmmmm. (not saying you specifically but many PPs are so nasty here and in other step mom threads)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a step mom PP. Unless you have been in a blended family you really can’t judge. What you are missing here is the step parent/step child, guilty parents, new wife dynamic. Most of the time a step parent that comes into a situation like this wants to do what they think is best for the child, but boundaries have to be respected. If the bio parents aren’t aligned with you — and I say this with the most grace for them— going against your husband AND a typically delicate dynamic with another woman who is the ex and actual mom, AND a child who is against any authority… it’s just not the same.
And yes, this is what we “signed up for”, just like you “signed up for” every challenge that came with your spouse. We went through this with my step daughter 8-10 years ago and she is doing better than most at 25, marriage is stronger than ever with this behind us, and I actually learned a lot as a parent to my own kids so I’m glad I signed up for this!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior. She is with us 50% of the time and is out of control.

This past weekend was the tipping point. She came home drunk, was vaping cannabis in our house, stayed up most of the night making noise, and took my credit card to spend over $200 on takeout to send to a boy’s house at 3 a.m.

This isn’t isolated. In the past, she has been drunk and smoked before, regularly sneaks out to boys’ houses, and has tried to bring boys into our home without permission. She has stolen our credit cards and taken our cars without permission, racking up thousands of dollars in charges (we involved police previously). She has also been suspended from school for vaping and continues to skip class, vape, and hang around school. At home, she does nothing but sit on TikTok and YouTube, doesn’t clean up after herself, and refuses to make food. We have to lock up alcohol because she will steal it and give it to friends.

We’ve tried consequences like removing her phone, car access, and outings, but she refuses to hand things over, throws huge tantrums, and finds ways around restrictions (finding hidden keys, etc.). It feels like constant power struggles and chaos.

At this point, our main goal is protecting our home, finances, and peace. We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend, while we regroup, and she had a massive meltdown and told her dad he must hate her. We’re already feel a little
More at ease.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? What actually helped?

You, you, you. Is protecting his daughter's health and well-being-- and potentially her life-- not the main goal? What kind of man did you marry?!?!?

As a parent who has a difficult child (and he probably makes your daughter look like child's play), there are two things that stood out to me. This is one. There is not a single mention of how you help your child to grow up to be an independent and successful adult. Just how to protect yourself. The second is that all you've done is punish and you're looking for new ways.

When our child started down the path towards mutual destruction (him and the family), our entire focus shifted to what do we need to do to make him successful. And, all of us (other kids included) were a part of the solution. We protected ourselves too - like locking credit cards, which is so obvious that I can't believe someone had to say it, and locking car keys. We got him therapy and medication, worked with the school to provide services so that he could be successful there, helped him get a job and then drove him there and home for every single shift. I could keep going. And you might think I want to pat myself on the back, which I sometimes do because it is a freaking lot of work to help a troubled kid successfully turn life around. But what I'm trying to say is that I think you have the wrong mindset. As the grown up - the parents - it's your obligation to get your kid to be successfully independent. And some kids take longer than others - mine is 23 and only halfway through college, but he's halfway through college.

And, you might be the step mom. But you accepted that role when you married dad with a kid. So you need to own your obligations here. I hope you all figure out how to change your dynamics.

I don't think the dynamic is the issue. I think the focus is. The most important thing is doing what it takes to help the child grow up to be a successful, independent and productive adult. And OP's post focused on her and on punishment. And your post is focusing on the problems the adults created for themselves - which they are using as an excuse for not focusing on how to help the child grow up to be independent and successful. If OP had made a hint of trying to do the right thing but being blocked, then I may have a different view. But OP expressed concern about allowing dad to keep a crazy schedule that excludes any responsibility for teen. And OP wants to protect herself and punish kid. And no one is looking at helping teen to grow up.

FWIW, I don't have a traditional family. But it doesn't matter. What counts is what you do to help the kid be successful - not what you do to punish for the problems they cause you.

Have you not read where OP explains that dad has been essentially MIA and that OP and mom have been coparenting for years?

[Anonymous]

I wonder why she was living with a checked out father and not interested step mother to begin with?

Oh! I know. This arrangement was insisted upon in order to reduce child support if the true time split was 90/10. So your husband grabbed the discount yet invested zero time in the girl.

Love to say that you’re reaping what you’ve sown. But in this case, I’m afraid she’s doing that for you. And it’s not pretty. I feel really bad for her. You will wash you hands clean in two years. Her pain and the attendant poor judgement will last much longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Protecting home, finances and peace: sounds like you want to pursue legal steps for her to become an emancipated minor. Otherwise, you're on the hook.

Yup. The “protecting finances” phrasing is very….side piece who got an upgrade. OP sounds like the bim who is comfortable with her wedding ring, listening and smiling while loser men call women, “females.”

She is packed full of sht and resents the one kid who isn’t going along to get along.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to assume reasonably good intent for all parties. For OP, your husband is perhaps a benevolent moron (at best). Unfortunately, you have not insisted on him spending more time with his kids long ago (or left his sorry butt). But here you are as someone who has accepted a major parenting role.

The fact that your husband isn’t seeing this as a major crisis is horrifying. I would sit him down and basically say “your daughter is going off a cliff and you are going to work rather than trying to grab her before she jumps. You need to work a reduced schedule. You can work during the hours she is at school. And that IS IT. You need to be making her breakfast in the morning, driving her to school, picking her up from school, finding shoes to watch together, take her shopping, take her to Starbucks, etc. Spending time with her has to be your full time job. We are also going to see a family therapist together to get suggestions.” And if he refused to do that, I would ask him if he wanted a second divorce.

I’m imagining my husband and I if my daughter was going down this path. He would likely default to punishment, which might or might not be a good approach. I would be telling him we were both going to stop work for 3-6 months and move to our beach house where our kid doesn’t really know anyone and we were going to do everything in our power to connect with her while also taking away her phone, locking up the keys, etc. While he would likely be shocked at my suggestion and see it as extreme, he would quickly agree with me ( although perhaps with some compromises). We would also definitely push for more treatment of ADHD and perhaps in patient rehab if we thought she was addicted.

She is self medicating. You need to see that. Meet with therapists that specialize in ADHD and addiction. Get their thoughts.