Stepdaughter (16) is out of control

[Anonymous]

My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior. She is with us 50% of the time and is out of control.

This past weekend was the tipping point. She came home drunk, was vaping cannabis in our house, stayed up most of the night making noise, and took my credit card to spend over $200 on takeout to send to a boy’s house at 3 a.m.

This isn’t isolated. In the past, she has been drunk and smoked before, regularly sneaks out to boys’ houses, and has tried to bring boys into our home without permission. She has stolen our credit cards and taken our cars without permission, racking up thousands of dollars in charges (we involved police previously). She has also been suspended from school for vaping and continues to skip class, vape, and hang around school. At home, she does nothing but sit on TikTok and YouTube, doesn’t clean up after herself, and refuses to make food. We have to lock up alcohol because she will steal it and give it to friends.

We’ve tried consequences like removing her phone, car access, and outings, but she refuses to hand things over, throws huge tantrums, and finds ways around restrictions (finding hidden keys, etc.). It feels like constant power struggles and chaos.

At this point, our main goal is protecting our home, finances, and peace. We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend, while we regroup, and she had a massive meltdown and told her dad he must hate her. We’re already feel a little
More at ease.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? What actually helped?

[Anonymous]

What does motivate her?

[Anonymous]

Not having an irrational step mom and not having an absent father could help.

[Anonymous]

Military-style boarding school?

[Anonymous]

Maybe her dad needs to actually spend some time with her?????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband works long hours in law, and I’m busy too, so between our schedules we don’t have time to constantly manage my 16-year-old stepdaughter’s behavior. She is with us 50% of the time and is out of control.

This past weekend was the tipping point. She came home drunk, was vaping cannabis in our house, stayed up most of the night making noise, and took my credit card to spend over $200 on takeout to send to a boy’s house at 3 a.m.

This isn’t isolated. In the past, she has been drunk and smoked before, regularly sneaks out to boys’ houses, and has tried to bring boys into our home without permission. She has stolen our credit cards and taken our cars without permission, racking up thousands of dollars in charges (we involved police previously). She has also been suspended from school for vaping and continues to skip class, vape, and hang around school. At home, she does nothing but sit on TikTok and YouTube, doesn’t clean up after herself, and refuses to make food. We have to lock up alcohol because she will steal it and give it to friends.

We’ve tried consequences like removing her phone, car access, and outings, but she refuses to hand things over, throws huge tantrums, and finds ways around restrictions (finding hidden keys, etc.). It feels like constant power struggles and chaos.

At this point, our main goal is protecting our home, finances, and peace. We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend, while we regroup, and she had a massive meltdown and told her dad he must hate her. We’re already feel a little
More at ease.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? What actually helped?

Divorce and broken families are hard on teens. What therapy has she had for her parents' epic failures?

[Anonymous]

We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend


WTF!!!!

Sorry but your lame H needs to parent her not banish her. You think intact families just kick the kid to the curb and have them live elsewhere.

You suck.

[Anonymous]

I would try to get her a full medical check-up and a neuropsychological evaluation, to see if there are medical issues or mental health diagnoses at play. And then go from there.

An acquaintance of mine had similar issues with his teen DD, who needed her stomach pumped at least twice (!). She went to college on the opposite coast and while she seems to be partying a lot, to her parents' great relief, she hasn't dropped out and seems to be getting OK grades.

Best of luck, OP. This is extremely difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe her dad needs to actually spend some time with her?????

This^^^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Military-style boarding school?

Sure spending less time with your children after you’ve abandoned them is it a great idea. /s

[Anonymous]

This is a troll right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a troll right?

Sadly, this is probably not a troll and why you don’t want your kids to have step parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We told her she needs to stay at her mom’s now after what she did this weekend


WTF!!!!

Sorry but your lame H needs to parent her not banish her. You think intact families just kick the kid to the curb and have them live elsewhere.

You suck.

This is obviously true, but if he's not going to step up, and she does better at her mom's house, then she's probably better off spending more time there. She should be wherever she has an engaged parent because she's clearly spiraling.

[Anonymous]

I have a blended family too but I'm a mom and I would never just throw my hands up and say the other parent gets to deal with all of the behavioral issues because I quit. My guess is that she is responding to exactly how absent her father is from her life.

[Anonymous]

Does she do better at her mom’s? How does her mom feel about the situation? Do you provide a united front?