Dealing with GF who is a widow vs. divorced and her kids/my kids/grandkids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not one single person is defending my gf whose kids and grandkids are so warm/embracing of me and is hurt by the often-chilly reception she experiences—why can’t my kids treat her more in the way I am treated by her kids? And my kids are plenty warm/easy with me — but still uneasy with gf. After two years.

Because your GF is monopolizing your time and controlling you and your kids don't like that. Her kids are fine with you because you are not doing anything bad to them.

It’s because the widowed GF knows he’s a bad partner and father. She’ll let him play grandpa Disney dad with her side but he can no longer mask up with his side.

This. He's not expected or wanted to be a real grandfather with that family. The bar is super low so it's much easier for him to succeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

Is this a coded way of indicating you aren't good terms with your ex-wife?

If you treated your ex-wife badly or there was acrimony before the divorce, your kids may have issues with you. If they are not comfortable with you and how you treated their mother, where will the warmth come from for your gf? Grandkids are a different story - you should get a do-over with them. But they know this lady's not your wife (yet). How are they supposed to know if this person will be in their life for a while? Or is just a date?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not one single person is defending my gf whose kids and grandkids are so warm/embracing of me and is hurt by the often-chilly reception she experiences—why can’t my kids treat her more in the way I am treated by her kids? And my kids are plenty warm/easy with me — but still uneasy with gf. After two years.

My DH deals with this all the time, FIL forces us to have a relationship with her cunning GF who manipulates and controls everything. We dread seeing them and worse is family vacation where she dictates what we should do and every opportunity she has shr makes sure her family is part of anything we do. I wish FIL excepted we are grown adults and his GF is a horrible human who only and only wants to make everything about her family.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you accept your kids might not like her and wants to keep distance. If they are adults with jobs, other relationships and a social life yoot GF is the problem. You are not seeing it

[Anonymous]

The girlfriend isn’t here to defend herself or share her perspective, so it's best to leave her out of this discussion.

The responsibility for visiting his kids and grandkids rests entirely on OP. It's not as if his girlfriend is forcing him to stay away; if he truly wants to see them, he can make it happen. It's really not that difficult.

OP has mentioned that his kids do not warmly welcome his girlfriend, so it would be unreasonable—and potentially against his own interests—to include her in these visits. If she isn't welcome, she won’t enjoy herself, and she might resent him for insisting that she come along. Therefore, if OP wants to see his kids and grandkids, it makes sense for him to schedule time for those visits without involving his girlfriend. She’ll obviously understand if OP has any communication skills.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Since everyone is accusing me of passivity, they should also assume the truth: this divorce was in no way of my choosing, and was forced on me without me being any of the three A’s. So I did not choose this life; it was imposed on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Since everyone is accusing me of passivity, they should also assume the truth: this divorce was in no way of my choosing, and was forced on me without me being any of the three A’s. So I did not choose this life; it was imposed on me.

Okey doke, so go see your kids. If you don't, you're choosing not to.

Maybe the kids think their mom was justified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Since everyone is accusing me of passivity, they should also assume the truth: this divorce was in no way of my choosing, and was forced on me without me being any of the three A’s. So I did not choose this life; it was imposed on me.

Choose your children. Because your wife divorced you, you don't drop your children. Geez, you really are dumb.

[Anonymous]

OK. So if it's not how you treated their mother, maybe your kids don't actually know how you want them to treat your gf.

Maybe you should ask them to treat her in some way that you're not seeing now. Like...."I would like you to invite me and my gf to Little Timmy's Under 6 soccer championship. We won't know when it is, unless you tell us".

Or. "My gf is a really good pumpkin carver. Can we get together at your house this year so we can make pumpkins with the grandkids?"

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems like you have several problems.

1) Your family doesn't like your girlfriend.

2) Your girlfriend monopolizes your time and you are afraid to stand up to her and insist on spending time with your family.

3) You're passive, avoidant, lacking social skills, whatever-- for some reason you're having a hard time overcoming the divorce and girlfriend awkwardness, planning a visit, and visiting your family on your own.

Don't you see that all of these things are connected?

I think if you visit your family alone a few times, that will help to improve the relationship and then they may be more accepting of you bringing your girlfriend every other time or something like that. But if you continue to make excuses and avoid making plans with your family, nothing will get better. Maybe you're afraid that if you visit alone, you'll have to talk about things you don't want to talk about? It's time you stopped avoiding things and started working them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

I know you're a troll with no life but I'm not going to ignore that ignorant sexist bull shite you're spouting in that last sentence. There is nothing in your genes that makes you a selfish prick. The world and your parents let you be that way.

[Anonymous]

You’re a mess. Just use ur brain a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not one single person is defending my gf whose kids and grandkids are so warm/embracing of me and is hurt by the often-chilly reception she experiences—why can’t my kids treat her more in the way I am treated by her kids? And my kids are plenty warm/easy with me — but still uneasy with gf. After two years.

Grow a pair!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it she wants you to do that you're not doing for your own kids?

Her kids/grandkids are all 30/60/90-minute drives away, less than half as far as mine. We go to every possible event with them. Ratio of interaction is like 20:1 vs. mine who are twice as far away or more.

Holy shit! 20:1 ratio!!! Do you even like your kids and grandkids?!? Honestly there’s something wrong with this woman too that even she thinks it’s okay you abandon your kids. So your closest kid is an hour away? That’s a visit every 6 weeks.

My parents are down the street and my in-laws are 4 hours away. I still visit them and make a point to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Since everyone is accusing me of passivity, they should also assume the truth: this divorce was in no way of my choosing, and was forced on me without me being any of the three A’s. So I did not choose this life; it was imposed on me.

Jesus, what “life”? By your description your kids are grown, dude. The only life change is that you’re no longer married to their mom. This has no bearing on your ability to see and be involved with your kids and grandkids, girlfriend or no. The mental gymnastics here are Olympic-level. Just go see your kids and stop finding fault with them because they’re not psyched about a woman who, by your own description, monopolizes your time and resources with your full consent and awareness. Or don’t go see them. But stop scratching your head and wondering why it’s all working so poorly. You’re playing Dad to kids who lost a parent while ignoring yours. Make it make sense.