Dealing with GF who is a widow vs. divorced and her kids/my kids/grandkids

[Anonymous]

Find a balance. My mom prioritizes her boyfriend. He is not friendly or kind to us. She is more kind and generous to his grandkids than my kids. She insists on bringing him and we pay despite both being comfortable. We just choose no to see them.

[Anonymous]

Are you unable to drive there on your own?

Are afraid she'll dump you and then you won't be able to get another girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it she wants you to do that you're not doing for your own kids?

Her kids/grandkids are all 30/60/90-minute drives away, less than half as far as mine. We go to every possible event with them. Ratio of interaction is like 20:1 vs. mine who are twice as far away or more.

Well, I can't blame her for wanting to go to all the things if they are not far. That ratio is bad but what do you want to do to make it fair? Accompany her less, or go to more of your family's events, or move closer to your family?

She is very busy; there is no way she could handle a 1:1 ratio. So this works for her. But it makes me annoyed/feeling guilty/resentful. And my kids (maybe understandably) aren’t always so thrilled about her presence.

Just give all your money to her and her adult kids already. Get it over already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It makes sense that everything would be easier/warmer with them when their father/grandfather is tragically gone vs. my kids/grandkids whose mother/grandfather is very much still around.

Why in the world would it be easier/warmer to be with someone else's kids/grandkids than your own? Other than the fact that men rely on women to make the arrangements enabling close relationships?

Even with them further away, you can have a warm and easy relationship with your grandkids. Do story time by video chat with your favorite kids' books. Send them post cards. Text photos of funny things you see out and about in the world. Make plans to visit and share your hobbies with them.

Just because your girlfriend's grandkids lost their grandfather doesn't mean your grandkids have to lose theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It makes sense that everything would be easier/warmer with them when their father/grandfather is tragically gone vs. my kids/grandkids whose mother/grandfather is very much still around.

Why in the world would it be easier/warmer to be with someone else's kids/grandkids than your own? Other than the fact that men rely on women to make the arrangements enabling close relationships?

Even with them further away, you can have a warm and easy relationship with your grandkids. Do story time by video chat with your favorite kids' books. Send them post cards. Text photos of funny things you see out and about in the world. Make plans to visit and share your hobbies with them.

Just because your girlfriend's grandkids lost their grandfather doesn't mean your grandkids have to lose theirs.

It's easier because the girlfriend 's husband is deceased so there's no possibility of seeing an ex and no need to divide time with an ex. I think that's what OP is trying to say.

But it's also easier because proximity means each visit isn't a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it she wants you to do that you're not doing for your own kids?

Her kids/grandkids are all 30/60/90-minute drives away, less than half as far as mine. We go to every possible event with them. Ratio of interaction is like 20:1 vs. mine who are twice as far away or more.

Why are you going to all those events for children that are not yours? She can go to those events and you should prioritize spending more time with your family.

OP here. This could be very helpful. I don’t like just taking off and abandoning her, so going in my family’s direction exactly when she’s going in her’s could be a win-win. Of course if there’s something really special she wants me to go to then it would be not so great to gin up a trip of my own. I’m not thinking she’ll be thrilled about this symmetry though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it she wants you to do that you're not doing for your own kids?

Her kids/grandkids are all 30/60/90-minute drives away, less than half as far as mine. We go to every possible event with them. Ratio of interaction is like 20:1 vs. mine who are twice as far away or more.

Why are you going to all those events for children that are not yours? She can go to those events and you should prioritize spending more time with your family.

OP here. This could be very helpful. I don’t like just taking off and abandoning her, so going in my family’s direction exactly when she’s going in her’s could be a win-win. Of course if there’s something really special she wants me to go to then it would be not so great to gin up a trip of my own. I’m not thinking she’ll be thrilled about this symmetry though.

You need to man up and tell her you have grandkids and want to see them. Are you afraid of her?

[Anonymous]

Well that's a sign there is a pre-existing problem in the relationship. She is trying to absorb you into her family, not blend or even treat yours as equal to hers.
I suggest you really think about this relationship.

[Anonymous]

It's just a weekend trip. You're not "abandoning" her. She's a competent adult, right?

It sounds like you think she'll make a big emotional problem if you do this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well that's a sign there is a pre-existing problem in the relationship. She is trying to absorb you into her family, not blend or even treat yours as equal to hers.
I suggest you really think about this relationship.

This. She sounds controlling. No wonder your children don't like her. Break up.

[Anonymous]

You need to accept that you are divorced and you'll never have a normal family where the grandparents are together in everything they do. You're always going to have this awkward push-pull and competition for time. This is what divorced people have.

[Anonymous]

Is this about going to kids' games?

I think kids' sports are overrated and grandparents don't need to go regularly. The fun of the sport should be for the players and they should not get wrapped up in how big their cheering section is.

If the equity issue is kids' games, go to some for your own grandchildren and do fewer for the closer kids.

[Anonymous]

My moms boyfriend comes to maybe 1 of every 40 family events. They are both welcome at each other's family events always, but never hard feelings if they decline

[Anonymous]

Wow, DCUM OP troll really went in a social puppet test here just now. Lame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I’m falling into an age-old trap of prioritizing my gf’s kids/grandkids at the expense of my own. It makes sense that everything would be easier/warmer with them when their father/grandfather is tragically gone vs. my kids/grandkids whose mother/grandfather is very much still around. And it’s only natural that my gf wants me to step in to fill the gap left by her husband’s untimely death. But I’m not him — I have plenty of my own kids/grandkids. How many guys have managed to walk this high wire and not come crashing down, and what were the keys to success?

How old are you and wtf are you doing on DCUM? Are you male?

Bump