Dealing with GF who is a widow vs. divorced and her kids/my kids/grandkids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it she wants you to do that you're not doing for your own kids?

Her kids/grandkids are all 30/60/90-minute drives away, less than half as far as mine. We go to every possible event with them. Ratio of interaction is like 20:1 vs. mine who are twice as far away or more.

Show up for yours. Get in the car and go. It's not hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it she wants you to do that you're not doing for your own kids?

Her kids/grandkids are all 30/60/90-minute drives away, less than half as far as mine. We go to every possible event with them. Ratio of interaction is like 20:1 vs. mine who are twice as far away or more.

Well, I can't blame her for wanting to go to all the things if they are not far. That ratio is bad but what do you want to do to make it fair? Accompany her less, or go to more of your family's events, or move closer to your family?

She is very busy; there is no way she could handle a 1:1 ratio. So this works for her. But it makes me annoyed/feeling guilty/resentful. And my kids (maybe understandably) aren’t always so thrilled about her presence.

Because why?

[Anonymous]

Go without her. They are your kids and grandkids.
Let them see and feel you place value on them and prioritize your relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

OP - it's great that you are recognizing that this is a problem and are interested in correcting it.

Your gf may want you with her at all these family events, but her kids/grandkids likely do not. Go once in a while, but you can also bow out gracefully from many of the events to let her have time with her kids/grandkids.

As others have said, proactively make plans with your kids/grandkids and go see them. You can travel alone.

[Anonymous]

1. Why can you get on a car, plane, bus etc without her and go see your kids and grandkids?

2. Why can't you put x holiday or event on the calendar and say we're going and you go with or without her?

3. Why can't she be a supportive partner and go with you sometimes?

4. What is wrong with her that she can't get along with your kids?

5. Why are you acting like you have no agency in this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it she wants you to do that you're not doing for your own kids?

Her kids/grandkids are all 30/60/90-minute drives away, less than half as far as mine. We go to every possible event with them. Ratio of interaction is like 20:1 vs. mine who are twice as far away or more.

Well, I can't blame her for wanting to go to all the things if they are not far. That ratio is bad but what do you want to do to make it fair? Accompany her less, or go to more of your family's events, or move closer to your family?

She is very busy; there is no way she could handle a 1:1 ratio. So this works for her. But it makes me annoyed/feeling guilty/resentful. And my kids (maybe understandably) aren’t always so thrilled about her presence.

All I’m hearing is excuses. Clearly it’s easier for you to appease your girlfriend than stand up for your kids. No wonder they’re so delighted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Why can you get on a car, plane, bus etc without her and go see your kids and grandkids?

2. Why can't you put x holiday or event on the calendar and say we're going and you go with or without her?

3. Why can't she be a supportive partner and go with you sometimes?

4. What is wrong with her that she can't get along with your kids?

5. Why are you acting like you have no agency in this?

It’s easier for him to whine and pretend he cares about his kids and blame his girlfriend versus actually do something about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it she wants you to do that you're not doing for your own kids?

Her kids/grandkids are all 30/60/90-minute drives away, less than half as far as mine. We go to every possible event with them. Ratio of interaction is like 20:1 vs. mine who are twice as far away or more.

Well, I can't blame her for wanting to go to all the things if they are not far. That ratio is bad but what do you want to do to make it fair? Accompany her less, or go to more of your family's events, or move closer to your family?

She is very busy; there is no way she could handle a 1:1 ratio. So this works for her. But it makes me annoyed/feeling guilty/resentful. And my kids (maybe understandably) aren’t always so thrilled about her presence.

Do you even WANT to see your side of the family at a 1:1 clip? Do you just want permission to skip this stuff for her side of the family? Because it doesn't really sound like what you are trying to do is travel more.

[Anonymous]

You might need to do some things separately. Especially around holidays. This is your girlfriend, not your wife. If you can't work this out, maybe she shouldn't be a wife.

Also unclear if your kids/grandkids are seeing your ex more often than they're seeing you. Sometimes amount of time isn't equal to quality of time though.

Also, your kids/grandkids don't need to know about every single time you see the others. You feel it, but they do not need to know.

[Anonymous]

Just get your affairs in order before you tie the knot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One tip is to proactively put your plans on the calendar rather than trying to fit into the gaps in her family's schedule. Men are sometimes really lazy about planning and that's how they get stuck with the leftover time slots.

Stepmom here - this is sadly so so true. The only time we see my adult stepkid is if she or I plan it. Luckily, we enjoy each other’s company and I don’t have my own kids (just one shared kid), so there’s no issues of fairness.

OP - Unless you aren’t physically capable of traveling on your own, the only reason you aren’t seeing your kids more often is laziness. Don’t blame your GF when you’re being so passive. And your kids likely know you’re lazy, especially your daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it she wants you to do that you're not doing for your own kids?

Her kids/grandkids are all 30/60/90-minute drives away, less than half as far as mine. We go to every possible event with them. Ratio of interaction is like 20:1 vs. mine who are twice as far away or more.

Why are you going to all those events for children that are not yours? She can go to those events and you should prioritize spending more time with your family.

[Anonymous]

Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

[Anonymous]

She wants you to be plug-in daddy and sugar daddy. Do you have wealth? She wants it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I’m falling into an age-old trap of prioritizing my gf’s kids/grandkids at the expense of my own. It makes sense that everything would be easier/warmer with them when their father/grandfather is tragically gone vs. my kids/grandkids whose mother/grandfather is very much still around. And it’s only natural that my gf wants me to step in to fill the gap left by her husband’s untimely death. But I’m not him — I have plenty of my own kids/grandkids. How many guys have managed to walk this high wire and not come crashing down, and what were the keys to success?

How old are you and wtf are you on DCUM? Are you male?