Dealing with GF who is a widow vs. divorced and her kids/my kids/grandkids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it she wants you to do that you're not doing for your own kids?

Her kids/grandkids are all 30/60/90-minute drives away, less than half as far as mine. We go to every possible event with them. Ratio of interaction is like 20:1 vs. mine who are twice as far away or more.

Why are you going to all those events for children that are not yours? She can go to those events and you should prioritize spending more time with your family.

OP here. This could be very helpful. I don’t like just taking off and abandoning her, so going in my family’s direction exactly when she’s going in her’s could be a win-win. Of course if there’s something really special she wants me to go to then it would be not so great to gin up a trip of my own. I’m not thinking she’ll be thrilled about this symmetry though.

This is dumb. You aren’t abandoning your GF when you visit your own children and grandchildren. And I would not cancel preexisting plans (or even fail to make them) because one of her kids might have a special event. Who cares if she isn’t thrilled that your family starts to get equal priority?

I can see why your kids don’t like her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I’m falling into an age-old trap of prioritizing my gf’s kids/grandkids at the expense of my own. It makes sense that everything would be easier/warmer with them when their father/grandfather is tragically gone vs. my kids/grandkids whose mother/grandfather is very much still around. And it’s only natural that my gf wants me to step in to fill the gap left by her husband’s untimely death. But I’m not him — I have plenty of my own kids/grandkids. How many guys have managed to walk this high wire and not come crashing down, and what were the keys to success?

No it doesn’t. It’s weird that your GF cannot visit her family alone and would be upset that you spend time with your kids/grands. That’s not a good person? Why are you dating a selfish bad person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it she wants you to do that you're not doing for your own kids?

Her kids/grandkids are all 30/60/90-minute drives away, less than half as far as mine. We go to every possible event with them. Ratio of interaction is like 20:1 vs. mine who are twice as far away or more.

Why are you going to all those events for children that are not yours? She can go to those events and you should prioritize spending more time with your family.

OP here. This could be very helpful. I don’t like just taking off and abandoning her, so going in my family’s direction exactly when she’s going in her’s could be a win-win. Of course if there’s something really special she wants me to go to then it would be not so great to gin up a trip of my own. I’m not thinking she’ll be thrilled about this symmetry though.

You're just a pathetic excuse if a man looking for a reason to emotionally abandon your kids.
You'll then pretend you don't know why your kids and grandkids don't have a relationship with you.
No wonder you're divorced.
You're a pathetic piece of crap.

[Anonymous]

What did you do before you started dating her? Are you the first BF since the husband died? Why don’t you talk to her about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

It’s a huge sin when you continue to fall into the same pattern so you see her family but not yours. As for the warmth thing, you have a lot of history with your kids (not all of it good), and you keep looking to the options that will create more tension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

It’s a huge sin when you continue to fall into the same pattern so you see her family but not yours. As for the warmth thing, you have a lot of history with your kids (not all of it good), and you keep looking to the options that will create more tension.

I do? Pray tell, as I would much prefer options that create no tension.

[Anonymous]

Please prioritize seeing your kids and grandkids. I’m the adult child of a situation like this and it’s so painful for our family to see my dad spending so much time with the other family. My mom died so he’s a widow and immediately started dating someone else.

You sound like a guy who really wants to do the right thing so here’s what would have been helpful to me. Please don’t talk about your significant other’s kids and grandkids when you are with us. Please just focus on your own grandkids! Please call and be proactive on coming to see us. Come for kids games, come for random visits for no reason other than to say I love you and want to spend time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

It’s a huge sin when you continue to fall into the same pattern so you see her family but not yours. As for the warmth thing, you have a lot of history with your kids (not all of it good), and you keep looking to the options that will create more tension.

I do? Pray tell, as I would much prefer options that create no tension.

You are not listening. You have to keep pushing through the discomfort with your kids and go to see them regularly without her. You don’t get a magic bullet where you get to escape your families’ emotions towards you. Honestly you sound like a spineless coward. Again I see why your children have issues with you.

[Anonymous]

Ah, OP will end up like my dad: dying alone in a hospital/nursing home. The final result of his choices. Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please prioritize seeing your kids and grandkids. I’m the adult child of a situation like this and it’s so painful for our family to see my dad spending so much time with the other family. My mom died so he’s a widow and immediately started dating someone else.

You sound like a guy who really wants to do the right thing so here’s what would have been helpful to me. Please don’t talk about your significant other’s kids and grandkids when you are with us. Please just focus on your own grandkids! Please call and be proactive on coming to see us. Come for kids games, come for random visits for no reason other than to say I love you and want to spend time with you.

Good advice.

Look, you can't avoid the tension. Choices have consequences. It may eventually be easier if you keep on showing up. But avoiding is only making it worse. Make the effort, nut up and say no to your girlfriend a few weekends a year, and face your fear of your adult children's opinions about your choices. Basically suck it up.

You aren't going to have the family you hoped for, the imaginary easy intact family where everything is simple and no one finds fault with you. You had a bad marriage, you chose divorce, and now you're choosing your girlfriend and her family over your own. Can't you see that these are your choices?

[Anonymous]

Divorce is exchanging one set of problems for another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

All your fictitious kids and grands see are your DCUM troll posts, thus distance themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

So you ditched the person who was doing the work, and now you're unhappy because it's toooo haaaaaard for you to do the work yourself?