Dealing with GF who is a widow vs. divorced and her kids/my kids/grandkids

[Anonymous]

Above post reminds me of a Christmas I spent at my grandparents. My single uncle was there with his divorced girlfriend and her daughter. At some point in the evening he gave the daughter a wrapped present at a time when I could see. He didn't give me any present that year or any other.

I didn't care about not getting a present. I cared that his unconcern for my feelings was obvious. His relationship with that lady ended within a year. But our relationship is for life. And it's not great.

[Anonymous]

Is your family “warm” to you without the GF?

It can take adult kids a long time to warm up to their parents new partners, especially after their parents divorce. It can take years and that’s normal. Don’t blame your kids. Try to understand them. You should try therapy if you haven’t already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

No. The conception, planning, and execution of family get-togethers does not come "naturally" to women. It is simply work that needs to get done in order to sustain connections among family, and somebody has to do it. Women step up to the plate.

That's it.

The women are the ones who want those connections.

Apparently OP wants them and he is a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is it she wants you to do that you're not doing for your own kids?

Her kids/grandkids are all 30/60/90-minute drives away, less than half as far as mine. We go to every possible event with them. Ratio of interaction is like 20:1 vs. mine who are twice as far away or more.

So it’s not a cliche when people say that men only prioritize the children of the woman they’re currently banging.

This is the truth

Yes, I see this a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not one single person is defending my gf whose kids and grandkids are so warm/embracing of me and is hurt by the often-chilly reception she experiences—why can’t my kids treat her more in the way I am treated by her kids? And my kids are plenty warm/easy with me — but still uneasy with gf. After two years.

You need to ask them to be nicer to your GF. It's a two-way street. Sorry they're having a hard time but they need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not one single person is defending my gf whose kids and grandkids are so warm/embracing of me and is hurt by the often-chilly reception she experiences—why can’t my kids treat her more in the way I am treated by her kids? And my kids are plenty warm/easy with me — but still uneasy with gf. After two years.

You need to ask them to be nicer to your GF. It's a two-way street. Sorry they're having a hard time but they need to grow up.

Maybe they're not nice to her for good reason. Maybe because she monopolizes his time and acts like he's "abandoning" her when she has to endure a weekend without him.

[Anonymous]

Dead beat dads are always gonna blame everyone else. Look in the mirror here op. You’re a deadbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

🤢
Deadbeat and a misogynist. No wonder your kids hate you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Since everyone is accusing me of passivity, they should also assume the truth: this divorce was in no way of my choosing, and was forced on me without me being any of the three A’s. So I did not choose this life; it was imposed on me.

What does that have to do you with you neglect your children and grandchildren?? You forgot the fourth A- a$$hole. Which you def are!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

No. The conception, planning, and execution of family get-togethers does not come "naturally" to women. It is simply work that needs to get done in order to sustain connections among family, and somebody has to do it. Women step up to the plate.

That's it.

The women are the ones who want those connections.

Apparently OP wants them and he is a man.

I don’t see anywhere that he wants connection. He wants to be adored. Huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not one single person is defending my gf whose kids and grandkids are so warm/embracing of me and is hurt by the often-chilly reception she experiences—why can’t my kids treat her more in the way I am treated by her kids? And my kids are plenty warm/easy with me — but still uneasy with gf. After two years.

You need to ask them to be nicer to your GF. It's a two-way street. Sorry they're having a hard time but they need to grow up.

Maybe they're not nice to her for good reason. Maybe because she monopolizes his time and acts like he's "abandoning" her when she has to endure a weekend without him.

He's a grown man. His time isn’t monopolized. He spends it how he wishes. There's no one to blame but himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

No. The conception, planning, and execution of family get-togethers does not come "naturally" to women. It is simply work that needs to get done in order to sustain connections among family, and somebody has to do it. Women step up to the plate.

That's it.

because we've been told and trained to carry all this addition bs based on myth.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me so sad. I can’t believe there are still men like this. And then the fact that he gets fawned over by girlfriend’s kids is just the cherry on top. Just wait op- they will know all about how you’re a deadbeat soon and won’t want to be around you. Although maybe they’re fawning so that you marry the girlfriend, kick the bucket and they get to inherit everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

🤢
Deadbeat and a misogynist. No wonder your kids hate you.

No one involved in this hates me; I thought I clarified that my kids are very warm with me. And they will warm up to my gf with time, and are perhaps even wise enough to know and be grateful that she is able to love me and make me happy vs. their somewhat unhinged mother who certainly stopped doing those things decades ago.

And I’m not at all a misogynist or a deadbeat (I do 90% of the shopping and cooking for instance). But men and women and girls and boys are different and tend to have different strengths /weaknesses, with plenty of exceptions of course, such as me being thrilled to do the shopping/cooking. But I’m also good at fixing tractors, though not so great at organizing get togethers.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can go on as you are and see how it plays out. Then, when you have little relationship with your kids you can seeth to yourself that they should have been different and it’s so hard for men to figure out how to drive over to their kids’s house. That’s absolutely a choice you can make.

Or, you can just do what you already know is the right thing and not start over with your girlfriend’s family because you don’t have the guts to say no to her occasionally.

Have you heard people say “if he wanted to he would?” Your kids have, certainly. They know that if you want to see them you would make it happen. When you choose not to see your family it speaks volumes.