Dealing with GF who is a widow vs. divorced and her kids/my kids/grandkids

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to step up and be proactive and do the planning. My FIL has been married to step-MIL for more than 20 years. We love her but they still often split up to spend time with their own kids and grandkids. No one is abandoning anyone.

If your girlfriend doesn’t understand your desire to spend time with your own kids and grandkids, I worry about you being in an abusive relationship or at future risk of elder abuse.

Please prioritize your kids during this time of transition for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

Spot on.

Self-centered, easy and lazy way wins each and every time!

[Anonymous]

My parents are still married, and things happen in our family because my mom plans them. Most of the time, it's my mom spending time with grandkids, not both of them.

As to OP, it's not that deep. See your kids if you want to see them. Your GF will be fine; she sounds plenty busy. If your kids don't welcome her, she won't want to go, and that's fine. Don't force something that no one wants but you.

[Anonymous]

Op is not “dealing” with anything in his life.

He’s just tagging along with his girlfriend, befuddled as usual.

[Anonymous]

Not one single person is defending my gf whose kids and grandkids are so warm/embracing of me and is hurt by the often-chilly reception she experiences—why can’t my kids treat her more in the way I am treated by her kids? And my kids are plenty warm/easy with me — but still uneasy with gf. After two years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not one single person is defending my gf whose kids and grandkids are so warm/embracing of me and is hurt by the often-chilly reception she experiences—why can’t my kids treat her more in the way I am treated by her kids? And my kids are plenty warm/easy with me — but still uneasy with gf. After two years.

Because your GF is controlling and clingy, and you are neglecting your children and grandchildren in favor of your GF's family and your kids resent your and your GF for it.

She is a widow. They are happy for her that she has found someone. You had someone, then you divorced and everyone has to deal with the fallout forever. Totally different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not one single person is defending my gf whose kids and grandkids are so warm/embracing of me and is hurt by the often-chilly reception she experiences—why can’t my kids treat her more in the way I am treated by her kids? And my kids are plenty warm/easy with me — but still uneasy with gf. After two years.

Because your GF is monopolizing your time and controlling you and your kids don't like that. Her kids are fine with you because you are not doing anything bad to them.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your GF is too busy to visit them anyway. Can't you just go alone? It would probably help you to repair the relationship. The divorce is still fresh, and bringing around a new partner too soon is a classic mistake that many people make.

[Anonymous]

Both of my spouse's parents are remarried and prioritize their spouse's family and kids over their own kids.

It is a shame, but some people just choose to focus on their spouse at the expense of kids from another marriage.

At least you are recognizing it. Definitely make sure to spend time with your family and you can say no occasionally, you are one person and can't be everything.

[Anonymous]

So your kids should be nice to her because her kids are nice to you? That makes no sense. Why would they even know how her kids are acting? They don't owe it to you to be nice to her because of that. She's a different person than you, and the situation is very different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not one single person is defending my gf whose kids and grandkids are so warm/embracing of me and is hurt by the often-chilly reception she experiences—why can’t my kids treat her more in the way I am treated by her kids? And my kids are plenty warm/easy with me — but still uneasy with gf. After two years.

Troll harder.

[Anonymous]

A few years after my mom’s death, my dad married to a widow who had had two prior husbands die and had no kids.

Until the wedding Stepmom made a good effort to see his kids and grandkids.

After the wedding, all bets were off. They could snowbird to Florida and drive past 5 grandkids (within 30 minutes of I95) and not stop to see them.

My sibling and I have spent time wondering which one of them didn’t want to see the kids. She certainly wasn’t advocating for it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not one single person is defending my gf whose kids and grandkids are so warm/embracing of me and is hurt by the often-chilly reception she experiences—why can’t my kids treat her more in the way I am treated by her kids? And my kids are plenty warm/easy with me — but still uneasy with gf. After two years.

Is this a joke?

Are you a lonely 90yo, loaded, senile old divorced guy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not one single person is defending my gf whose kids and grandkids are so warm/embracing of me and is hurt by the often-chilly reception she experiences—why can’t my kids treat her more in the way I am treated by her kids? And my kids are plenty warm/easy with me — but still uneasy with gf. After two years.

Because your GF is monopolizing your time and controlling you and your kids don't like that. Her kids are fine with you because you are not doing anything bad to them.

It’s because the widowed GF knows he’s a bad partner and father. She’ll let him play grandpa Disney dad with her side but he can no longer mask up with his side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not one single person is defending my gf whose kids and grandkids are so warm/embracing of me and is hurt by the often-chilly reception she experiences—why can’t my kids treat her more in the way I am treated by her kids? And my kids are plenty warm/easy with me — but still uneasy with gf. After two years.

I mean this is it in a nutshell. This isn’t about her kids, your kids, or anybody really, except you OP. You divorced your kids’ mom, and said deal with it. You’ve anchored yourself in a new family….and told your kids deal with it. Every single one of your decisions has benefited you and drastically impacted your own kids and grandkids, and you are just completely befuddled as to why everyone isn’t making this easier for you. I’m the poster upthread whose Dad is doing the same thing and let me tell you something: it’s the most fatal character flaw of men. You’re so selfish that you don’t even see it, and are blithely annoyed that everyone isn’t not only accepting your choices, but cheering you on.

Bluntly: own your shit and deal with the fallout. I love my father but I don’t respect him, and I am an intentionally different parent than he was. I bet your kids feel the same way about you. You chose this, and are choosing it presently. Consequences follow.