Dealing with GF who is a widow vs. divorced and her kids/my kids/grandkids

[Anonymous]

Maybe like how you're not good at organizing get-togethers, your adult children aren't good at liking your girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why are you acting like you don't have a choice? Check with your kids, pick a weekend, put it on the calendar, then get in your car and go. You don't need your girlfriend's permission.

With GF's kids he has no planning responsibilities, can sit back and play the hero, maybe pay for things. This is easy for him. With his own kids and grandkids, he has to make plans and effort, show up, ask questions, and be engaged. It's just easier to find reasons not to go.

This is my Dad. He makes the easier choice and refuses to stand up to whomever he's married to at the time (currently on wife #3).

Trust me OP, your kids see it all, and probably feel the way my sister and I do: deeply sad and disappointed. If any of this mattered to you, you'd be making plans to see your kids instead of looking to be absolved on DCUM. Good luck with these choices.

The last thing I’m looking for is absolution. I’m trying to navigate toward better balance than 20:1 between my family and hers. But the great warmth her family shows me as I fill a vacuum isn’t at all matched by warmth from my family to her, perhaps understandable because they see no vacuum, just added complication stemming from my repartnering after a grey divorce. But numerous PPs have pointed out that a good way to proceed is to see my kids/grandkids frequently on my own. Which I will do. It may create some turbulence, but as one PP said, her kids probably want to have more alone time with her anyway.

I certainly was guilty (as are so many guys) of leaving the emotional labor of planning family getogethers to my ex, so this does not come naturally. That is not a huge sin; lots of other important things do come more naturally to men than women.

🤢
Deadbeat and a misogynist. No wonder your kids hate you.

No one involved in this hates me; I thought I clarified that my kids are very warm with me. And they will warm up to my gf with time, and are perhaps even wise enough to know and be grateful that she is able to love me and make me happy vs. their somewhat unhinged mother who certainly stopped doing those things decades ago.

And I’m not at all a misogynist or a deadbeat (I do 90% of the shopping and cooking for instance). But men and women and girls and boys are different and tend to have different strengths /weaknesses, with plenty of exceptions of course, such as me being thrilled to do the shopping/cooking. But I’m also good at fixing tractors, though not so great at organizing get togethers.

People here are cruelly piling on OP.

That is how DCUM threads go, OP. Once the dominant tone of comments is established, most people who comment agree with it.

OP, it's good that you're asking the questions you are. You've gotten a lot of scorn but not a lot of advice.

If you can't figure out what to do next, then maybe just ask your kids outright what events and activities would be most meaningful for you to participate in. Then pencil in some of those. I lived 4 hours away from my parents and college boyfriend during my early working years. And I made a lot of car trips back. A trip of that length is relatively easy to fit into a schedule.

Also don't use the word "abandoning" to characterize a couple doing things separately on a weekend. There are lots of couples who have loving relationships but a lot of independent hobbies.

If you just start making a few more trips, it will probably help relationships.

Another thing to mention...don't try to buy kids' affection with random presents. Try to learn their personalities and interests and ask their parents before buying expensive or large gifts. E.g., don't show up with a Big Wheel because you felt like it. And follow the house rules. My dad was bad at that and we were concerned he was not safety-minded enough because he did not respect our house rules regarding what was age appropriate.

I appreciate your constructiveness. It’s weird to be simultaneously be accused of being a terrible person and of being a troll. I think that anyone who draws this much scorn should be deemed a non troll in summary judgment.

It wasn't "simultaneous." I called you a terrible person and a terrible father, and someone else called you a troll. Not simultaneously.

Believe me, you are drawing "this much scorn" in real life, too. Weak, passive, chooses to prioritize the cunning lady he is having sex with over his own kids. You are pretty gross. I pity your kids.

[Anonymous]

Could be both. The DCUM troll taking on a scumbag persona in the fake original post and fake follow up posts.

[Anonymous]

So my dad is a version of OP and I’m going to extend my personal thanks to him because this thread encouraged me to stand up to my Dad. I’m the poster upthread whose dad is on his third wife and has always prioritized his partners over his first set of kids. I am the only one of his kids to become a parent, and sometimes he will randomly decide that he wants to have a relationship with my daughter who is a tween. This week, he decided that he wants them to do simultaneous cooking lessons together and FaceTime while doing it on a school night. Before, I would have tried to make this work because he has always given me so little of himself. This time I put my foot down. I said Dad, I am really glad that you want to connect with Larla. But I am already an overwhelmed parent with a tween and school nights are too stressful for us. We want to see you more often, so come visit us. You can come anytime you want and we will welcome you and make the time. And you know what? He’s going to. We put a date on the calendar for next month. I’m really glad that I advocated for myself and that he accepted. If he had declined or left me on read, I wasn’t going to make any further effort and it simply would’ve been his loss. I love him, but I’m not going to chase him anymore. It just doesn’t work.

This is how relationship stay intact OP. Take a note.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my dad is a version of OP and I’m going to extend my personal thanks to him because this thread encouraged me to stand up to my Dad. I’m the poster upthread whose dad is on his third wife and has always prioritized his partners over his first set of kids. I am the only one of his kids to become a parent, and sometimes he will randomly decide that he wants to have a relationship with my daughter who is a tween. This week, he decided that he wants them to do simultaneous cooking lessons together and FaceTime while doing it on a school night. Before, I would have tried to make this work because he has always given me so little of himself. This time I put my foot down. I said Dad, I am really glad that you want to connect with Larla. But I am already an overwhelmed parent with a tween and school nights are too stressful for us. We want to see you more often, so come visit us. You can come anytime you want and we will welcome you and make the time. And you know what? He’s going to. We put a date on the calendar for next month. I’m really glad that I advocated for myself and that he accepted. If he had declined or left me on read, I wasn’t going to make any further effort and it simply would’ve been his loss. I love him, but I’m not going to chase him anymore. It just doesn’t work.

This is how relationship stay intact OP. Take a note.

I think the problem is that the most important relationship to OP is with his girlfriend. Not his kids, not his grandkids. And he sees nothing wrong with this. He's simply annoyed his kids/grandkids aren't "warm" with the girlfriend, and they don't seem to accept that of course dad's new bedpartner is the priority.

[Anonymous]

I think the problem is that the most important relationship to OP is with his girlfriend. Not his kids, not his grandkids. And he sees nothing wrong with this. He's simply annoyed his kids/grandkids aren't "warm" with the girlfriend, and they don't seem to accept that of course dad's new bedpartner is the priority.

Obviously. I’m pointing out that the obvious missing piece to OP solving this is his own lack of effort. This is why I compared to him to my dad. It’s not that my dad doesn’t want a relationship with me. He just doesn’t consider it his job to make it happen. He’s collected wives and children over the years and is confused and a little annoyed that everyone isn’t excited about it.

It isn’t complicated, it’s a lack of maturity and accountability sprinkled with a healthy dose of misogyny. In the mind of men like this, women and children should just adjust accordingly. Which we did, until we didn’t. Sounds like OP’s kids got there too.