fighting w/SO--is this normal or ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. My parents didn’t do this at all, but I name calling when I get really mad at dh. Unlike others, I don’t think generalized words are all that impactful. I’m aware it’s trashy and wrong but sometimes I blurt things out. ‘Dh, you are such a f’in prick!!’ In my defense, dh can be a very frustrating dirty fighter in his own right- he’s famous for the twisting non sequitor or bringing up old issues- and this is usually what proceeds my name calling.

Our argument style is definitely bad, but fortunately we’ve been able to limit them, we don’t do it when kids are home, and we make up quickly.

If this happened early on in our relationship, I would take pause and re assess and see if I could fix it before moving forward, but at my stage, it’s not breakup worthy.

You should not be giving the OP advice if you admit you do this, and know it's bad. JFC. Grow up.

Honestly I think it’s you who needs to grow up. There is no perfect marriage because there is no perfect human. Life is a balance of priorities.

My marriage is not perfect, but I can say hand on heart that I have never yelled at my husband in anger and called him a f'in prick. I can also say the same that my husband has never yelled at me and insulted me. You sound like you are stuck in the cycle of abuse and cannot escape. Your reaction is unhealthy, but understandable when you are with another abusive person. Sounds like he definitely needs therapy to get over whatever previous issues he has, but you also should consider it to realize that this isn't a healthy way to live.

A calm, peaceful life without yelling, screaming and name calling IS possible. I hope you have a long peaceful stretch and don't have to deal with this too often.

My point is everyone is different, and you don’t get to decide what a healthy relationship is for others. Grow up.

And I’ll bet that your husband expresses disdain from you at least occasionally (maybe often given how annoying you sound on here) in other ways. Maybe he makes fun of you to his friends, maybe he rolls his eyes at you, maybe he lies about being at work and stays out with a coworker he prefers over you, maybe he’s sleeping with the babysitter behind your back.

Honestly, swear to god, do you believe swearing at your partner and calling them insulting names is healthy? Your relationship has 0% to do with me, it does not impact or affect me at all. But what is healthy and what is abusive are generally pretty clear cut.

Why is your first instinct when someone comments on your relationship to try and make their life sound miserable? Does making fun of someone else, or thinking that everyone else is in a sh^tty relationship with abusive men make you feel better? It just makes you sound sad and pathetic. Like you have to bring everyone else down to your level lest they be "better" than you.

My marriage is not perfect, but we are both pretty easy going. If we have an issue, we bring it up. We've been together 20 years, and have set various "ground rules". We don't talk sh^t about each other to family or friends. We don't lie to each other to hang out with coworkers. Or babysitters. My marriage is not perfect, but it is not a trainwreck like you seem to want to believe. I'm sorry that hearing other people are happy and secure in their relationships upsets you, but it is true for a lot of people, and it's out there.

I'll give you one though - he probably does roll his eyes at me.

Of course s/he can't. Because it isn't. They know how fu**ed and dysfunctional their relationship is and must think everyone else lives the same. Gross, no thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this normal? No.
Is this healthy? No.
Is this abusive? Yes.
Can this escalate? Yes.

It's very distressing to see people justifying this, or saying it's better than XYZ. Unfortunately, the only people who seem to think this either participate in it and are abusive to their partner, or have someone who does it to them. Either way, not a person you want to be.

Very distressing? Seriously?

NP. Yes, distressing. Normalizing this kind of behavior because this is what you do or know.

It’s not normal as in it’s normal everyday behavior. It’s normal for people in a long term committed relationship to resolve 95% of arguments without too much conflict, but to break out into a fight once every couple of months or so. And sometimes people say mean things or call each other names when they fight.

That’s not emotional abuse, and it’s definitely not sexual abuse.

It definitely is emotional abuse. It's terrifying that you refuse to acknowledge that.

What if I’m not angry, and I tell my husband not to send an email because it makes him sound like a d!ck? Is that terrifying?
What if he tells me that he is having an issue with a friend, and I tell him that he was the a$$hole in that situation, and he should apologize. Is that abuse? What if it was my mom that he is being an a$$hole to, and I get angry and call him out on it? Does that terrify you?

Is it the words that you find abusive? Is it the disagreeing with your spouse? Is it the getting angry?

If you dont understand the difference between "this will make you look like an a$$" and "you're a f'kin prick" the internet cannot save you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this normal? No.
Is this healthy? No.
Is this abusive? Yes.
Can this escalate? Yes.

It's very distressing to see people justifying this, or saying it's better than XYZ. Unfortunately, the only people who seem to think this either participate in it and are abusive to their partner, or have someone who does it to them. Either way, not a person you want to be.

Very distressing? Seriously?

NP. Yes, distressing. Normalizing this kind of behavior because this is what you do or know.

It’s not normal as in it’s normal everyday behavior. It’s normal for people in a long term committed relationship to resolve 95% of arguments without too much conflict, but to break out into a fight once every couple of months or so. And sometimes people say mean things or call each other names when they fight.

That’s not emotional abuse, and it’s definitely not sexual abuse.

It definitely is emotional abuse. It's terrifying that you refuse to acknowledge that.

What if I’m not angry, and I tell my husband not to send an email because it makes him sound like a d!ck? Is that terrifying?
What if he tells me that he is having an issue with a friend, and I tell him that he was the a$$hole in that situation, and he should apologize. Is that abuse? What if it was my mom that he is being an a$$hole to, and I get angry and call him out on it? Does that terrify you?

Is it the words that you find abusive? Is it the disagreeing with your spouse? Is it the getting angry?

If you dont understand the difference between "this will make you look like an a$$" and "you're a f'kin prick" the internet cannot save you.

Yeah. There really isn’t a difference. Almost all of what’s being communicated here is in the tone and the context in which it’s said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

Well yeah, you were verbally and emotionally abusive. Stonewalling and yelling insults until you get your way is a very immature way of resolving conflict. I think you are just proving the point here honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this normal? No.
Is this healthy? No.
Is this abusive? Yes.
Can this escalate? Yes.

It's very distressing to see people justifying this, or saying it's better than XYZ. Unfortunately, the only people who seem to think this either participate in it and are abusive to their partner, or have someone who does it to them. Either way, not a person you want to be.

Very distressing? Seriously?

NP. Yes, distressing. Normalizing this kind of behavior because this is what you do or know.

It’s not normal as in it’s normal everyday behavior. It’s normal for people in a long term committed relationship to resolve 95% of arguments without too much conflict, but to break out into a fight once every couple of months or so. And sometimes people say mean things or call each other names when they fight.

That’s not emotional abuse, and it’s definitely not sexual abuse.

It definitely is emotional abuse. It's terrifying that you refuse to acknowledge that.

What if I’m not angry, and I tell my husband not to send an email because it makes him sound like a d!ck? Is that terrifying?
What if he tells me that he is having an issue with a friend, and I tell him that he was the a$$hole in that situation, and he should apologize. Is that abuse? What if it was my mom that he is being an a$$hole to, and I get angry and call him out on it? Does that terrify you?

Is it the words that you find abusive? Is it the disagreeing with your spouse? Is it the getting angry?

If you dont understand the difference between "this will make you look like an a$$" and "you're a f'kin prick" the internet cannot save you.

Yeah. There really isn’t a difference. Almost all of what’s being communicated here is in the tone and the context in which it’s said.

You’re not very bright. Because there is a clear and wide difference.

[Anonymous]

Yes you should break up. That’s abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this normal? No.
Is this healthy? No.
Is this abusive? Yes.
Can this escalate? Yes.

It's very distressing to see people justifying this, or saying it's better than XYZ. Unfortunately, the only people who seem to think this either participate in it and are abusive to their partner, or have someone who does it to them. Either way, not a person you want to be.

Very distressing? Seriously?

NP. Yes, distressing. Normalizing this kind of behavior because this is what you do or know.

It’s not normal as in it’s normal everyday behavior. It’s normal for people in a long term committed relationship to resolve 95% of arguments without too much conflict, but to break out into a fight once every couple of months or so. And sometimes people say mean things or call each other names when they fight.

That’s not emotional abuse, and it’s definitely not sexual abuse.

It definitely is emotional abuse. It's terrifying that you refuse to acknowledge that.

What if I’m not angry, and I tell my husband not to send an email because it makes him sound like a d!ck? Is that terrifying?
What if he tells me that he is having an issue with a friend, and I tell him that he was the a$$hole in that situation, and he should apologize. Is that abuse? What if it was my mom that he is being an a$$hole to, and I get angry and call him out on it? Does that terrify you?

Is it the words that you find abusive? Is it the disagreeing with your spouse? Is it the getting angry?

If you dont understand the difference between "this will make you look like an a$$" and "you're a f'kin prick" the internet cannot save you.

Not even a good therapist can save you if can't see the difference there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

There are any number of resources you can look up that all list what you describe as emotional abuse in a relationship. Just because you have a dysfunctional relationship and engage in abuse does not mean that OP should. I think OP was smart for not giving specific examples since that's not relevant. What is relevant is that OP's partner is calling them names, and they clearly don't like it. Also clearly they do not want to be in a relationship like yours, nor should they be.

Verbal abuse is still abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

There are any number of resources you can look up that all list what you describe as emotional abuse in a relationship. Just because you have a dysfunctional relationship and engage in abuse does not mean that OP should. I think OP was smart for not giving specific examples since that's not relevant. What is relevant is that OP's partner is calling them names, and they clearly don't like it. Also clearly they do not want to be in a relationship like yours, nor should they be.

Verbal abuse is still abuse.

+1
Op asked them to stop, and they did not. I don’t care what kind of f***ed up relationship pp has that she’s so proud of, but op doesn’t want to live that life and has tried to stop their partner from treating them like crap. They won’t, and are continuing their abuse. Not fair to op and not cool in any sort of healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

Well yeah, you were verbally and emotionally abusive. Stonewalling and yelling insults until you get your way is a very immature way of resolving conflict. I think you are just proving the point here honestly.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

You are abusive to your husband, PP. Top of the list:
Psychological and emotional abuse can be difficult to describe or identify. It’s when a perpetrator uses words and non-physical actions to manipulate, hurt, scare or upset you. Some examples of emotional and verbal abuse are:

Screaming and shouting at you
Mocking you, calling you hurtful names or using derogatory words about you
Sulking or refusing to talk or be kind until you do something they want

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

Well yeah, you were verbally and emotionally abusive. Stonewalling and yelling insults until you get your way is a very immature way of resolving conflict. I think you are just proving the point here honestly.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

You are abusive to your husband, PP. Top of the list:
Psychological and emotional abuse can be difficult to describe or identify. It’s when a perpetrator uses words and non-physical actions to manipulate, hurt, scare or upset you. Some examples of emotional and verbal abuse are:

Screaming and shouting at you
Mocking you, calling you hurtful names or using derogatory words about you
Sulking or refusing to talk or be kind until you do something they want

Scary how this pp is trying to normalize her abuse.

Literally the only people who think this behaviour is ok are abusers and sometimes their victims.

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't have to tell them that it's not ok. why not move out!
I was a 'mail order bride' with no money. Wasn't easy to get out, but I did. I assume you have more options than I did, but are choosing to stay. Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

“It erases context”
All the context you added is just you being verbally abusive! You actually CAN make blanket statements about some things. Because certain things are laid out in black and white. You both sound like two abusers constantly yelling at each other. Do you really do this every few months?? And you think it’s totally fine to model this for your children? Your kids are going to end up either dating abusers or abusing their own partners. You need therapy, stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Dump them.

Thanks. I think. I guess I shouldn't really ask if it's OK, it's not, but perhaps normal for some people. It's never been an issue in previous relationships, and not growing up either. Not that I'm perfect by any means. This just really bothers me.

Of course it's "normal" for some people because they are in abusive relationships and this is what their life looks like. But that doesn't make it ok. It isn't ok. Get out NOW.