fighting w/SO--is this normal or ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is something that’s a personal boundary thing. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then you need to tell your SO that this is a big deal and you are willing to end the relationship over it.
I don’t think this is necessarily something that everyone would break up over though. Some people are more comfortable with swearing than others. Both swearing themselves and hearing others swear.

I swear myself. I do not swear at people, nor would I tolerate being sworn at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s rare to grow up in a family where there was not name-calling and meanness when someone is angry and irritated. And that often results in children growing up resorting to the same behaviors unless they are willing work toward changing it. Emotional stability is one of those indicators of “generational health and wealth”. No, it’s not ok to name call and shout profanities. I do think it’s normal to do so when angry but they should apologize and work toward changing their behavior.

WHAT?!?!? No, it's not rare at all. That you think so is really sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh. My parents didn’t do this at all, but I name calling when I get really mad at dh. Unlike others, I don’t think generalized words are all that impactful. I’m aware it’s trashy and wrong but sometimes I blurt things out. ‘Dh, you are such a f’in prick!!’ In my defense, dh can be a very frustrating dirty fighter in his own right- he’s famous for the twisting non sequitor or bringing up old issues- and this is usually what proceeds my name calling.

Our argument style is definitely bad, but fortunately we’ve been able to limit them, we don’t do it when kids are home, and we make up quickly.

If this happened early on in our relationship, I would take pause and re assess and see if I could fix it before moving forward, but at my stage, it’s not breakup worthy.

Just to be clear, your marriage is toxic. I hope you can acknowledge that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sample size is 3 (my marriage, my parents and my in-laws). None of us swear at each other or raise voices. All of us get annoyed at our spouses and have arguments. Never involves a temper, yelling, names, meanness. Never.

I’m going to chime in that I know families like this. In my limited experience, many of those same families that ‘never raise voices at each other, ever!!’ do other even more messed up things to each other. The DH has a long term AP, the DW has secretly re mortgaged the house for her gambling addiction, the grandfather abused the grandkids.

Every family has its tales. I think being mad and feeling anger and expressing it is fairly normal behavior.

Nope. Some families can disagree or argue without resorting to name calling, yelling, or swearing. I'm sorry you're not aware of that, but it's true. Not everyone is dysfunctional/abusive in some way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if there are generational differences between the
1) Not normal not right but some grew up with it and can work towards not doing it
and
2) Not normal not right break up/divorce/ those people have other bad stuff too
Responses?

See I posted that my parents did NOT do this. But they did other unkind things. My dad had a quiet affair with a co worker that went on for several years. There was not a single argument over this that I ever saw. My mother seemed to subtly/quietly despise my dad for a number of years. But they never yelled, never swore, etc. In fact, we never really discussed feelings at all, we didn’t express love openly, nor did we discuss sex.

In contrast, my current family is very warm, we tell each other we love each other constantly, there is lots of physical affection and joking. But we do also yell and cursing happens occasionally.

Which is better? Idk

Maybe strive for the family that is loving and also doesn't yell. The two options you listed aren't the only ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is something that’s a personal boundary thing. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then you need to tell your SO that this is a big deal and you are willing to end the relationship over it.
I don’t think this is necessarily something that everyone would break up over though. Some people are more comfortable with swearing than others. Both swearing themselves and hearing others swear.

The OP says being called names, not general swearing. I think there's a huge difference between yelling "I'm so $*#( mad right now, I hate that kind of crap" and "you're a f##ing a$$hole". Do you really think it's acceptable to be called names? Even if it's just jerk, or dumba## or similar. It's not. It's abuse. It's never ok.

It seems weird to say it when I’m not angry and my frontal lobe is fully functioning, but yes, I think it’s normal sometimes to call someone an a$$hole in the context of a fight.

If it’s a boundary for you, then it’s a boundary for you. But I don’t think that it’s abusive in and of itself.

Ha, agree. I just posted. When I’m super mad, it’s all scrambled.

I just read your post. I’m glad someone else feels the same way!

You both need therapy to learn how to control your anger. Seriously. It is possible to be mad and not resort to that kind of behavior. It's very immature to do so, actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my SO (we live together) and I get into an argument, often over trivial things, SO will get angry and call me names. They don't apologize about this afterwards. I've discussed this issue and said it's disrespectful, I don't do it even when angry, and it should stop. It hasn't. Do you think this is something worth breaking up over?




(I didn't post genders or ages because I don't think it's relevant who is doing the swearing, how old we are, and whether we're SS couple or not. Just want unfiltered opinions please )

Are you repeatedly doing things to upset them?

What causes the anger outbursts? That's the main thing to focus on at the moment.

I can't believe it took three pages for the victim blamers to arrive. You must have been busy abusing someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. My parents didn’t do this at all, but I name calling when I get really mad at dh. Unlike others, I don’t think generalized words are all that impactful. I’m aware it’s trashy and wrong but sometimes I blurt things out. ‘Dh, you are such a f’in prick!!’ In my defense, dh can be a very frustrating dirty fighter in his own right- he’s famous for the twisting non sequitor or bringing up old issues- and this is usually what proceeds my name calling.

Our argument style is definitely bad, but fortunately we’ve been able to limit them, we don’t do it when kids are home, and we make up quickly.

If this happened early on in our relationship, I would take pause and re assess and see if I could fix it before moving forward, but at my stage, it’s not breakup worthy.

You should not be giving the OP advice if you admit you do this, and know it's bad. JFC. Grow up.

Honestly I think it’s you who needs to grow up. There is no perfect marriage because there is no perfect human. Life is a balance of priorities.

And yet many of us manage to not call our spouses f'in pricks. Hmm...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this normal? No.
Is this healthy? No.
Is this abusive? Yes.
Can this escalate? Yes.

It's very distressing to see people justifying this, or saying it's better than XYZ. Unfortunately, the only people who seem to think this either participate in it and are abusive to their partner, or have someone who does it to them. Either way, not a person you want to be.

Very distressing? Seriously?

Not PP but yes, it is distressing to see that people dismiss or diminish this kind of behavior. Don't worry, your response tell us everything we need to know about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if there are generational differences between the
1) Not normal not right but some grew up with it and can work towards not doing it
and
2) Not normal not right break up/divorce/ those people have other bad stuff too
Responses?

I don’t think it’s a generational thing. I think a number of people who regularly post in this forum have been victims of trauma and domestic abuse, and consequently they are unable to tolerate anything but the most mild conflict.

I think this is a good theory. I’ve noticed this in other areas. A lot of the posters here seem to be ‘egg shell’ types who cannot tolerate conflict and who seem quite anxious. Probably what draws people here - a safe outlet for expression of negative feelings.

I'm a lawyer who lives in a world of conflict. I certainly know how to handle it. I don't yell at my spouse or call them names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this normal? No.
Is this healthy? No.
Is this abusive? Yes.
Can this escalate? Yes.

It's very distressing to see people justifying this, or saying it's better than XYZ. Unfortunately, the only people who seem to think this either participate in it and are abusive to their partner, or have someone who does it to them. Either way, not a person you want to be.

Very distressing? Seriously?

NP. Yes, distressing. Normalizing this kind of behavior because this is what you do or know.

It’s not normal as in it’s normal everyday behavior. It’s normal for people in a long term committed relationship to resolve 95% of arguments without too much conflict, but to break out into a fight once every couple of months or so. And sometimes people say mean things or call each other names when they fight.

That’s not emotional abuse, and it’s definitely not sexual abuse.

I have never done this. Not once. Neither has my husband, my best friend, or any other number of people I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sample size is 3 (my marriage, my parents and my in-laws). None of us swear at each other or raise voices. All of us get annoyed at our spouses and have arguments. Never involves a temper, yelling, names, meanness. Never.

I’m going to chime in that I know families like this. In my limited experience, many of those same families that ‘never raise voices at each other, ever!!’ do other even more messed up things to each other. The DH has a long term AP, the DW has secretly re mortgaged the house for her gambling addiction, the grandfather abused the grandkids.

Every family has its tales. I think being mad and feeling anger and expressing it is fairly normal behavior.

Oh ok. So SA is ok as long as it wasn't r*pe or inc@st. Do you even hear yourself? You can have conflict in a normal and healthy way without resorting to namecalling and hiding massive abusive. I feel sorry for your partner, you are definitely in need of massive long term therapy.

Reading comprehension? The point was that those things, including SA, are obviously far more harmful than someone getting really frustrated during an argument and saying, ‘well f you, Bob! You’re an ass!’

No need ‘to feel sorry’ for anyone. Everyone is different. If my partner told me to F off when we were in an argument, I’d consider the context and I wouldn’t feel the need to run to a therapist and say I’ve been ‘abused’. Please. Some of you are so fragile. You think this makes you strong, but it actually shows how weak you are.

It's not the misery Olympics. Something else will always be worse than whatever situation you're facing. Always. Doesn't make your situation acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. My parents didn’t do this at all, but I name calling when I get really mad at dh. Unlike others, I don’t think generalized words are all that impactful. I’m aware it’s trashy and wrong but sometimes I blurt things out. ‘Dh, you are such a f’in prick!!’ In my defense, dh can be a very frustrating dirty fighter in his own right- he’s famous for the twisting non sequitor or bringing up old issues- and this is usually what proceeds my name calling.

Our argument style is definitely bad, but fortunately we’ve been able to limit them, we don’t do it when kids are home, and we make up quickly.

If this happened early on in our relationship, I would take pause and re assess and see if I could fix it before moving forward, but at my stage, it’s not breakup worthy.

You should not be giving the OP advice if you admit you do this, and know it's bad. JFC. Grow up.

Honestly I think it’s you who needs to grow up. There is no perfect marriage because there is no perfect human. Life is a balance of priorities.

My marriage is not perfect, but I can say hand on heart that I have never yelled at my husband in anger and called him a f'in prick. I can also say the same that my husband has never yelled at me and insulted me. You sound like you are stuck in the cycle of abuse and cannot escape. Your reaction is unhealthy, but understandable when you are with another abusive person. Sounds like he definitely needs therapy to get over whatever previous issues he has, but you also should consider it to realize that this isn't a healthy way to live.

A calm, peaceful life without yelling, screaming and name calling IS possible. I hope you have a long peaceful stretch and don't have to deal with this too often.

My point is everyone is different, and you don’t get to decide what a healthy relationship is for others. Grow up.

And I’ll bet that your husband expresses disdain from you at least occasionally (maybe often given how annoying you sound on here) in other ways. Maybe he makes fun of you to his friends, maybe he rolls his eyes at you, maybe he lies about being at work and stays out with a coworker he prefers over you, maybe he’s sleeping with the babysitter behind your back.

I wish people like you could actually hear yourselves. You are so adamant that people must be being abused or mistreated or disrespected somehow because that's what you think is normal. It's not. Plenty of people go their whole lives without being having those things happen to them or without doing them to someone else. It says a lot about you and the way you were raised and the way you live that you think everyone is out there doing stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

I'm sorry, what did you just say? Your husband WOKE YOU UP because the dishes weren't done? Are you for real? Never mind the rest of your story. That is disgusting behavior. I sincerely hope you do not have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

I'm sorry, what did you just say? Your husband WOKE YOU UP because the dishes weren't done? Are you for real? Never mind the rest of your story. That is disgusting behavior. I sincerely hope you do not have children.

Pretty sure they do. They said they try not to have these blow out fights in front of the kids.