fighting w/SO--is this normal or ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sample size is 3 (my marriage, my parents and my in-laws). None of us swear at each other or raise voices. All of us get annoyed at our spouses and have arguments. Never involves a temper, yelling, names, meanness. Never.

I’m going to chime in that I know families like this. In my limited experience, many of those same families that ‘never raise voices at each other, ever!!’ do other even more messed up things to each other. The DH has a long term AP, the DW has secretly re mortgaged the house for her gambling addiction, the grandfather abused the grandkids.

Every family has its tales. I think being mad and feeling anger and expressing it is fairly normal behavior.

Nope. Some families can disagree or argue without resorting to name calling, yelling, or swearing. I'm sorry you're not aware of that, but it's true. Not everyone is dysfunctional/abusive in some way.

Did you read the post? The point was that sure, many families don’t argue outwardly but there are pretty much always other expressions of conflict. Humans have conflicts. This is the state of the world and human relations. If the worst issue I have is that DW says I’m acting like a prick once a year, then I think we’re good, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

I'm sorry, what did you just say? Your husband WOKE YOU UP because the dishes weren't done? Are you for real? Never mind the rest of your story. That is disgusting behavior. I sincerely hope you do not have children.

Pretty sure they do. They said they try not to have these blow out fights in front of the kids.

Huh? I think that was me who said my partner and I don’t fight in front of the kids. But I’d hardly call that a ‘blow out fight!’ Some of you are so precious and clearly come from highly sensitive or abusive backgrounds.

My best friend is a clinical social worker and she says she finds her patients who are hyper hyper sensitive about everything often have childhood abuse that was ignored. Nothing feels safe and so they catastrophize things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

I'm sorry, what did you just say? Your husband WOKE YOU UP because the dishes weren't done? Are you for real? Never mind the rest of your story. That is disgusting behavior. I sincerely hope you do not have children.

Pretty sure they do. They said they try not to have these blow out fights in front of the kids.

Huh? I think that was me who said my partner and I don’t fight in front of the kids. But I’d hardly call that a ‘blow out fight!’ Some of you are so precious and clearly come from highly sensitive or abusive backgrounds.

My best friend is a clinical social worker and she says she finds her patients who are hyper hyper sensitive about everything often have childhood abuse that was ignored. Nothing feels safe and so they catastrophize things.

Right, sure, good to back pedal now. I’m sure your best friend totally supports your abusive relationship, do you give each other high 5s when you talk about how much you degrade your partners in anger?

No one is being hyper sensitive by saying we don’t want to support abusive relationships. You give very bad and dangerous advice. But as an abuser yourself it makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh. My parents didn’t do this at all, but I name calling when I get really mad at dh. Unlike others, I don’t think generalized words are all that impactful. I’m aware it’s trashy and wrong but sometimes I blurt things out. ‘Dh, you are such a f’in prick!!’ In my defense, dh can be a very frustrating dirty fighter in his own right- he’s famous for the twisting non sequitor or bringing up old issues- and this is usually what proceeds my name calling.

Our argument style is definitely bad, but fortunately we’ve been able to limit them, we don’t do it when kids are home, and we make up quickly.

If this happened early on in our relationship, I would take pause and re assess and see if I could fix it before moving forward, but at my stage, it’s not breakup worthy.

And you want to tell OP that this is totally normal behavior and that there’s no red flags? When you yourself point out your red flags?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sample size is 3 (my marriage, my parents and my in-laws). None of us swear at each other or raise voices. All of us get annoyed at our spouses and have arguments. Never involves a temper, yelling, names, meanness. Never.

I’m going to chime in that I know families like this. In my limited experience, many of those same families that ‘never raise voices at each other, ever!!’ do other even more messed up things to each other. The DH has a long term AP, the DW has secretly re mortgaged the house for her gambling addiction, the grandfather abused the grandkids.

Every family has its tales. I think being mad and feeling anger and expressing it is fairly normal behavior.

Nope. Some families can disagree or argue without resorting to name calling, yelling, or swearing. I'm sorry you're not aware of that, but it's true. Not everyone is dysfunctional/abusive in some way.

Did you read the post? The point was that sure, many families don’t argue outwardly but there are pretty much always other expressions of conflict. Humans have conflicts. This is the state of the world and human relations. If the worst issue I have is that DW says I’m acting like a prick once a year, then I think we’re good, thanks.

Yes, I read the post. I'll choose my marriage in which we don't call each other names, thanks. And no, we're not doing even more messed up things to each other either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

I'm sorry, what did you just say? Your husband WOKE YOU UP because the dishes weren't done? Are you for real? Never mind the rest of your story. That is disgusting behavior. I sincerely hope you do not have children.

Pretty sure they do. They said they try not to have these blow out fights in front of the kids.

Huh? I think that was me who said my partner and I don’t fight in front of the kids. But I’d hardly call that a ‘blow out fight!’ Some of you are so precious and clearly come from highly sensitive or abusive backgrounds.

My best friend is a clinical social worker and she says she finds her patients who are hyper hyper sensitive about everything often have childhood abuse that was ignored. Nothing feels safe and so they catastrophize things.

The PP to whom I responded said her husband woke her up because there were dirty dishes in the sink. THAT. IS. INSANE. That poster didn't say anything about kids so hopefully they don't have any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

I'm sorry, what did you just say? Your husband WOKE YOU UP because the dishes weren't done? Are you for real? Never mind the rest of your story. That is disgusting behavior. I sincerely hope you do not have children.

Pretty sure they do. They said they try not to have these blow out fights in front of the kids.

Huh? I think that was me who said my partner and I don’t fight in front of the kids. But I’d hardly call that a ‘blow out fight!’ Some of you are so precious and clearly come from highly sensitive or abusive backgrounds.

My best friend is a clinical social worker and she says she finds her patients who are hyper hyper sensitive about everything often have childhood abuse that was ignored. Nothing feels safe and so they catastrophize things.

Right, sure, good to back pedal now. I’m sure your best friend totally supports your abusive relationship, do you give each other high 5s when you talk about how much you degrade your partners in anger?

No one is being hyper sensitive by saying we don’t want to support abusive relationships. You give very bad and dangerous advice. But as an abuser yourself it makes sense.

My best friend has seen it all and no, she doesn’t think calling someone a prick is great, but she also doesn’t consider that abusive without other words/behaviors. She says that partners have very different conflict and conflict resolution styles. Not surprising.

Personally I think you probably have a personality disorder judging by your aggressive behaviors and insistence that you should tell others how to behave, but that’s your issue, not mine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

I'm sorry, what did you just say? Your husband WOKE YOU UP because the dishes weren't done? Are you for real? Never mind the rest of your story. That is disgusting behavior. I sincerely hope you do not have children.

Pretty sure they do. They said they try not to have these blow out fights in front of the kids.

Huh? I think that was me who said my partner and I don’t fight in front of the kids. But I’d hardly call that a ‘blow out fight!’ Some of you are so precious and clearly come from highly sensitive or abusive backgrounds.

My best friend is a clinical social worker and she says she finds her patients who are hyper hyper sensitive about everything often have childhood abuse that was ignored. Nothing feels safe and so they catastrophize things.

The PP to whom I responded said her husband woke her up because there were dirty dishes in the sink. THAT. IS. INSANE. That poster didn't say anything about kids so hopefully they don't have any.

I’d definitely tell my dh to F off if he tried that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

I'm sorry, what did you just say? Your husband WOKE YOU UP because the dishes weren't done? Are you for real? Never mind the rest of your story. That is disgusting behavior. I sincerely hope you do not have children.

Pretty sure they do. They said they try not to have these blow out fights in front of the kids.

Huh? I think that was me who said my partner and I don’t fight in front of the kids. But I’d hardly call that a ‘blow out fight!’ Some of you are so precious and clearly come from highly sensitive or abusive backgrounds.

My best friend is a clinical social worker and she says she finds her patients who are hyper hyper sensitive about everything often have childhood abuse that was ignored. Nothing feels safe and so they catastrophize things.

Right, sure, good to back pedal now. I’m sure your best friend totally supports your abusive relationship, do you give each other high 5s when you talk about how much you degrade your partners in anger?

No one is being hyper sensitive by saying we don’t want to support abusive relationships. You give very bad and dangerous advice. But as an abuser yourself it makes sense.

My best friend has seen it all and no, she doesn’t think calling someone a prick is great, but she also doesn’t consider that abusive without other words/behaviors. She says that partners have very different conflict and conflict resolution styles. Not surprising.

Personally I think you probably have a personality disorder judging by your aggressive behaviors and insistence that you should tell others how to behave, but that’s your issue, not mine

Are you sure it's your "best friend"? You seem so comfortable diagnosing random folk on the internet, sounds like your "best friend" is more imaginary than real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

I'm sorry, what did you just say? Your husband WOKE YOU UP because the dishes weren't done? Are you for real? Never mind the rest of your story. That is disgusting behavior. I sincerely hope you do not have children.

Pretty sure they do. They said they try not to have these blow out fights in front of the kids.

Huh? I think that was me who said my partner and I don’t fight in front of the kids. But I’d hardly call that a ‘blow out fight!’ Some of you are so precious and clearly come from highly sensitive or abusive backgrounds.

My best friend is a clinical social worker and she says she finds her patients who are hyper hyper sensitive about everything often have childhood abuse that was ignored. Nothing feels safe and so they catastrophize things.

Right, sure, good to back pedal now. I’m sure your best friend totally supports your abusive relationship, do you give each other high 5s when you talk about how much you degrade your partners in anger?

No one is being hyper sensitive by saying we don’t want to support abusive relationships. You give very bad and dangerous advice. But as an abuser yourself it makes sense.

My best friend has seen it all and no, she doesn’t think calling someone a prick is great, but she also doesn’t consider that abusive without other words/behaviors. She says that partners have very different conflict and conflict resolution styles. Not surprising.

Personally I think you probably have a personality disorder judging by your aggressive behaviors and insistence that you should tell others how to behave, but that’s your issue, not mine

Are you sure it's your "best friend"? You seem so comfortable diagnosing random folk on the internet, sounds like your "best friend" is more imaginary than real.

I call it like I see it

[Anonymous]

Oh my gosh, NO! This is not normal!

Do not pass go, do not collect $200. You need to GTFO before he escalates. The mask has already dropped. This is textbook abuse, literally right from the playbook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

I'm sorry, what did you just say? Your husband WOKE YOU UP because the dishes weren't done? Are you for real? Never mind the rest of your story. That is disgusting behavior. I sincerely hope you do not have children.

Pp here. Yes. He was being a jerk. He was loudly opening drawers to get his pajamas and purposefully waking me up.
We fought for a minute, figured out what his issue was, and I told him to cut it out and quit being an a$$.
It took him a day to apologize.

We do have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

I'm sorry, what did you just say? Your husband WOKE YOU UP because the dishes weren't done? Are you for real? Never mind the rest of your story. That is disgusting behavior. I sincerely hope you do not have children.

Pp here. Yes. He was being a jerk. He was loudly opening drawers to get his pajamas and purposefully waking me up.
We fought for a minute, figured out what his issue was, and I told him to cut it out and quit being an a$$.
It took him a day to apologize.

We do have children.

And you think theyre going to turn out totally normal well adjusted people with these kind of role models? Better start saving for their future therapy bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

“It erases context”
All the context you added is just you being verbally abusive! You actually CAN make blanket statements about some things. Because certain things are laid out in black and white. You both sound like two abusers constantly yelling at each other. Do you really do this every few months?? And you think it’s totally fine to model this for your children? Your kids are going to end up either dating abusers or abusing their own partners. You need therapy, stat.

It was nighttime in my bedroom. My children weren’t there.

Honestly, for someone who claims to have never said a mean word in your life, I don’t think you are being particularly kind here. Calling someone an “abuser” and telling them their kids are going to be abusers is definitely name-calling…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

I'm sorry, what did you just say? Your husband WOKE YOU UP because the dishes weren't done? Are you for real? Never mind the rest of your story. That is disgusting behavior. I sincerely hope you do not have children.

Pp here. Yes. He was being a jerk. He was loudly opening drawers to get his pajamas and purposefully waking me up.
We fought for a minute, figured out what his issue was, and I told him to cut it out and quit being an a$$.
It took him a day to apologize.

We do have children.

And you think theyre going to turn out totally normal well adjusted people with these kind of role models? Better start saving for their future therapy bills.

Do you think that because you didn’t say a “swear word” here, this isn’t mean or unkind?

What did I do to you to make you so angry?