fighting w/SO--is this normal or ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Swearing at someone and name-calling could actually be considered emotional abuse in a relationship. There is also the potential for escalation. That's not healthy or respectful, and is definitely something worth breaking up over. BIG red flag.

^^^^^^THIS. It's not always men abusing women, when it comes to emotional abuse in a relationship it is an almost 50/50 split, but it is underrecognized when women do it due to societal norms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is something that’s a personal boundary thing. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then you need to tell your SO that this is a big deal and you are willing to end the relationship over it.
I don’t think this is necessarily something that everyone would break up over though. Some people are more comfortable with swearing than others. Both swearing themselves and hearing others swear.

The OP says being called names, not general swearing. I think there's a huge difference between yelling "I'm so $*#( mad right now, I hate that kind of crap" and "you're a f##ing a$$hole". Do you really think it's acceptable to be called names? Even if it's just jerk, or dumba## or similar. It's not. It's abuse. It's never ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Dump them.

Thanks. I think. I guess I shouldn't really ask if it's OK, it's not, but perhaps normal for some people. It's never been an issue in previous relationships, and not growing up either. Not that I'm perfect by any means. This just really bothers me.

It's not normal, but even if it was -- if it bothers you, that's enough justification to break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is something that’s a personal boundary thing. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then you need to tell your SO that this is a big deal and you are willing to end the relationship over it.
I don’t think this is necessarily something that everyone would break up over though. Some people are more comfortable with swearing than others. Both swearing themselves and hearing others swear.

Did you misread the question, or are there really people out there that think it's fine or normal for your partner to swear at you/call you names? Because it definitely is not.

[Anonymous]

Calling names and swearing can be a legacy of family upbringing. Seems normal to them.

In a relationship where there is supposed to be no name calling, discussion, love and patience with slips and apologies can change things. I was a name caller.

I am not on now. Female, btw.

[Anonymous]

Maybe normal for them when someone had parents that did this, but definitely not OK. Yes, it's a reason to break up as there are likely other embedded behaviours that are hard to change or resolve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Next question.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

I can't decide if this is a dumb question or a sad question. Both. No, it is not OK. It is never ok for you someone who is supposed to love you and help build you up (isn't that what partners do) to call you names.

Dump him. Asap. (or her)

[Anonymous]

My sample size is 3 (my marriage, my parents and my in-laws). None of us swear at each other or raise voices. All of us get annoyed at our spouses and have arguments. Never involves a temper, yelling, names, meanness. Never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is something that’s a personal boundary thing. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then you need to tell your SO that this is a big deal and you are willing to end the relationship over it.
I don’t think this is necessarily something that everyone would break up over though. Some people are more comfortable with swearing than others. Both swearing themselves and hearing others swear.

The OP says being called names, not general swearing. I think there's a huge difference between yelling "I'm so $*#( mad right now, I hate that kind of crap" and "you're a f##ing a$$hole". Do you really think it's acceptable to be called names? Even if it's just jerk, or dumba## or similar. It's not. It's abuse. It's never ok.

It seems weird to say it when I’m not angry and my frontal lobe is fully functioning, but yes, I think it’s normal sometimes to call someone an a$$hole in the context of a fight.

If it’s a boundary for you, then it’s a boundary for you. But I don’t think that it’s abusive in and of itself.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s rare to grow up in a family where there was not name-calling and meanness when someone is angry and irritated. And that often results in children growing up resorting to the same behaviors unless they are willing work toward changing it. Emotional stability is one of those indicators of “generational health and wealth”. No, it’s not ok to name call and shout profanities. I do think it’s normal to do so when angry but they should apologize and work toward changing their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Swearing at someone and name-calling could actually be considered emotional abuse in a relationship. There is also the potential for escalation. That's not healthy or respectful, and is definitely something worth breaking up over. BIG red flag.

+1. It is not okay and your SO needs to either immediately stop doing it and agree not to do it again or you should break up.

[Anonymous]

Eh. My parents didn’t do this at all, but I name calling when I get really mad at dh. Unlike others, I don’t think generalized words are all that impactful. I’m aware it’s trashy and wrong but sometimes I blurt things out. ‘Dh, you are such a f’in prick!!’ In my defense, dh can be a very frustrating dirty fighter in his own right- he’s famous for the twisting non sequitor or bringing up old issues- and this is usually what proceeds my name calling.

Our argument style is definitely bad, but fortunately we’ve been able to limit them, we don’t do it when kids are home, and we make up quickly.

If this happened early on in our relationship, I would take pause and re assess and see if I could fix it before moving forward, but at my stage, it’s not breakup worthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is something that’s a personal boundary thing. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then you need to tell your SO that this is a big deal and you are willing to end the relationship over it.
I don’t think this is necessarily something that everyone would break up over though. Some people are more comfortable with swearing than others. Both swearing themselves and hearing others swear.

The OP says being called names, not general swearing. I think there's a huge difference between yelling "I'm so $*#( mad right now, I hate that kind of crap" and "you're a f##ing a$$hole". Do you really think it's acceptable to be called names? Even if it's just jerk, or dumba## or similar. It's not. It's abuse. It's never ok.

It seems weird to say it when I’m not angry and my frontal lobe is fully functioning, but yes, I think it’s normal sometimes to call someone an a$$hole in the context of a fight.

If it’s a boundary for you, then it’s a boundary for you. But I don’t think that it’s abusive in and of itself.

Ha, agree. I just posted. When I’m super mad, it’s all scrambled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s rare to grow up in a family where there was not name-calling and meanness when someone is angry and irritated. And that often results in children growing up resorting to the same behaviors unless they are willing work toward changing it. Emotional stability is one of those indicators of “generational health and wealth”. No, it’s not ok to name call and shout profanities. I do think it’s normal to do so when angry but they should apologize and work toward changing their behavior.

My parents were not at all like this, but I am!!