fighting w/SO--is this normal or ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

“It erases context”
All the context you added is just you being verbally abusive! You actually CAN make blanket statements about some things. Because certain things are laid out in black and white. You both sound like two abusers constantly yelling at each other. Do you really do this every few months?? And you think it’s totally fine to model this for your children? Your kids are going to end up either dating abusers or abusing their own partners. You need therapy, stat.

It was nighttime in my bedroom. My children weren’t there.

Honestly, for someone who claims to have never said a mean word in your life, I don’t think you are being particularly kind here. Calling someone an “abuser” and telling them their kids are going to be abusers is definitely name-calling…

Facts are not name calling.

[Anonymous]

Whoa. He'd only do it once if it were me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

I'm sorry, what did you just say? Your husband WOKE YOU UP because the dishes weren't done? Are you for real? Never mind the rest of your story. That is disgusting behavior. I sincerely hope you do not have children.

Pp here. Yes. He was being a jerk. He was loudly opening drawers to get his pajamas and purposefully waking me up.
We fought for a minute, figured out what his issue was, and I told him to cut it out and quit being an a$$.
It took him a day to apologize.

We do have children.

I hope you know that this is not normal. This is not how normal people treat each other. At all. For the sake of your children, you need to either change this dynamic or get out of it. Just imagine your daughter telling you a story about how her husband woke her up because she hadn't done the dishes - does that make you feel sick to your stomach? Because it should. I'd kill a man who treated my daughter like that. Or if you don't have girls, imagine your son telling you a story and laughing about how he woke his wife up because she hadn't done the dishes - does that make you feel sick to your stomach? Because it should. I'd be feel disgusted that I had raised a man like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

“It erases context”
All the context you added is just you being verbally abusive! You actually CAN make blanket statements about some things. Because certain things are laid out in black and white. You both sound like two abusers constantly yelling at each other. Do you really do this every few months?? And you think it’s totally fine to model this for your children? Your kids are going to end up either dating abusers or abusing their own partners. You need therapy, stat.

It was nighttime in my bedroom. My children weren’t there.

Honestly, for someone who claims to have never said a mean word in your life, I don’t think you are being particularly kind here. Calling someone an “abuser” and telling them their kids are going to be abusers is definitely name-calling…

I'm a different PP who has responded to your post and I completely agree with the above PP - this behavior is abusive, on both of your parts. Your children do see this - you are kidding yourself that they have no idea what is going on. Your kids will be affected by this - likely they'll either end up abusers or abused themselves. No one is making this stuff up - you need help, now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

I guess what gets to me here is that it erases context.
A few weeks ago, my husband woke me up from sleeping because the dishes weren’t done when he got home from working late. I was mad. I called him a name. I didn’t talk to him other than logistics, kiss him, or touch him until he apologized the next day.
According to DCUM, I’m abusive for insulting him and giving him the silent treatment. But I don’t think was abusive or terrifying here.

I don’t know what’s going on with the OP. He gave us no context. But I can imagine circumstances where this definitely isn’t abuse. I can even imagine circumstances, like financial abuse, where the abuser is the one who ends up getting called names. You just can’t make a blanket statement.

I often think that if the OP is leaving out context it is because the context would make him look bad.

I'm sorry, what did you just say? Your husband WOKE YOU UP because the dishes weren't done? Are you for real? Never mind the rest of your story. That is disgusting behavior. I sincerely hope you do not have children.

Pp here. Yes. He was being a jerk. He was loudly opening drawers to get his pajamas and purposefully waking me up.
We fought for a minute, figured out what his issue was, and I told him to cut it out and quit being an a$$.
It took him a day to apologize.

We do have children.

And you think theyre going to turn out totally normal well adjusted people with these kind of role models? Better start saving for their future therapy bills.

Do you think that because you didn’t say a “swear word” here, this isn’t mean or unkind?

What did I do to you to make you so angry?

Not PP. It's the truth. If it hurts it may be because you realize it's the truth even if you don't want to accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh, who cares whether strangers think it’s normal or not? Do you want to live like that?

Exactly. Clearly there are plenty of people here who tolerate this type of behavior and plenty who don’t.

Let the people think this is fine pair up with one another while you find someone who does not cross your boundaries.

Women tend to accept way too much poor treatment from men. In reality if you modestly attractive there are plenty of fish in the sea for a romantic relationship. Dump him and keep looking until you find someone who you want to raise children with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sample size is 3 (my marriage, my parents and my in-laws). None of us swear at each other or raise voices. All of us get annoyed at our spouses and have arguments. Never involves a temper, yelling, names, meanness. Never.

I’m going to chime in that I know families like this. In my limited experience, many of those same families that ‘never raise voices at each other, ever!!’ do other even more messed up things to each other. The DH has a long term AP, the DW has secretly re mortgaged the house for her gambling addiction, the grandfather abused the grandkids.

Every family has its tales. I think being mad and feeling anger and expressing it is fairly normal behavior.

Nope. Some families can disagree or argue without resorting to name calling, yelling, or swearing. I'm sorry you're not aware of that, but it's true. Not everyone is dysfunctional/abusive in some way.

This. My parents had arguments, but not long, drawn-out fights with name calling or swearing. They would either come to an agreement or agree to disagree or whatever. My DH and I are the same. We've been married over twenty years and have had (what I would call fights) twice in our relationship. Still never any name calling. Everything else is an argument or discussion, but certainly never anything mean or sneaky or some of the other things I've read on here. It makes me very grateful for him and our relationship!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh, who cares whether strangers think it’s normal or not? Do you want to live like that?

Exactly. Clearly there are plenty of people here who tolerate this type of behavior and plenty who don’t.

Let the people think this is fine pair up with one another while you find someone who does not cross your boundaries.

Women tend to accept way too much poor treatment from men. In reality if you modestly attractive there are plenty of fish in the sea for a romantic relationship. Dump him and keep looking until you find someone who you want to raise children with.

Interesting how so many of you have now assumed that the OP is a woman and that the abuser is a man. OP definitely did not indicate either way, for all we know it's two men or the woman doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sample size is 3 (my marriage, my parents and my in-laws). None of us swear at each other or raise voices. All of us get annoyed at our spouses and have arguments. Never involves a temper, yelling, names, meanness. Never.

I’m going to chime in that I know families like this. In my limited experience, many of those same families that ‘never raise voices at each other, ever!!’ do other even more messed up things to each other. The DH has a long term AP, the DW has secretly re mortgaged the house for her gambling addiction, the grandfather abused the grandkids.

Every family has its tales. I think being mad and feeling anger and expressing it is fairly normal behavior.

Nope. Some families can disagree or argue without resorting to name calling, yelling, or swearing. I'm sorry you're not aware of that, but it's true. Not everyone is dysfunctional/abusive in some way.

This. My parents had arguments, but not long, drawn-out fights with name calling or swearing. They would either come to an agreement or agree to disagree or whatever. My DH and I are the same. We've been married over twenty years and have had (what I would call fights) twice in our relationship. Still never any name calling. Everything else is an argument or discussion, but certainly never anything mean or sneaky or some of the other things I've read on here. It makes me very grateful for him and our relationship!

Honestly, reading this forum often makes me grateful for my DH and our life. Perfect, no, but nowhere near as dysfunctional as some families on here!