fighting w/SO--is this normal or ok?

[Anonymous]

Break up with them. Go to counseling to learn why this behavior should automatically trigger a breakup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Break up with them. Go to counseling to learn why this behavior should automatically trigger a breakup.

+1
OP I think therapy would be really helpful for you. To untangle why you picked this person, why you would stay with them and why you are questioning yourself for wanting to be safe, happy and cherished in your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. My parents didn’t do this at all, but I name calling when I get really mad at dh. Unlike others, I don’t think generalized words are all that impactful. I’m aware it’s trashy and wrong but sometimes I blurt things out. ‘Dh, you are such a f’in prick!!’ In my defense, dh can be a very frustrating dirty fighter in his own right- he’s famous for the twisting non sequitor or bringing up old issues- and this is usually what proceeds my name calling.

Our argument style is definitely bad, but fortunately we’ve been able to limit them, we don’t do it when kids are home, and we make up quickly.

If this happened early on in our relationship, I would take pause and re assess and see if I could fix it before moving forward, but at my stage, it’s not breakup worthy.

You should not be giving the OP advice if you admit you do this, and know it's bad. JFC. Grow up.

Honestly I think it’s you who needs to grow up. There is no perfect marriage because there is no perfect human. Life is a balance of priorities.

My marriage is not perfect, but I can say hand on heart that I have never yelled at my husband in anger and called him a f'in prick. I can also say the same that my husband has never yelled at me and insulted me. You sound like you are stuck in the cycle of abuse and cannot escape. Your reaction is unhealthy, but understandable when you are with another abusive person. Sounds like he definitely needs therapy to get over whatever previous issues he has, but you also should consider it to realize that this isn't a healthy way to live.

A calm, peaceful life without yelling, screaming and name calling IS possible. I hope you have a long peaceful stretch and don't have to deal with this too often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sample size is 3 (my marriage, my parents and my in-laws). None of us swear at each other or raise voices. All of us get annoyed at our spouses and have arguments. Never involves a temper, yelling, names, meanness. Never.

I’m going to chime in that I know families like this. In my limited experience, many of those same families that ‘never raise voices at each other, ever!!’ do other even more messed up things to each other. The DH has a long term AP, the DW has secretly re mortgaged the house for her gambling addiction, the grandfather abused the grandkids.

Every family has its tales. I think being mad and feeling anger and expressing it is fairly normal behavior.

Oh ok. So SA is ok as long as it wasn't r*pe or inc@st. Do you even hear yourself? You can have conflict in a normal and healthy way without resorting to namecalling and hiding massive abusive. I feel sorry for your partner, you are definitely in need of massive long term therapy.

Reading comprehension? The point was that those things, including SA, are obviously far more harmful than someone getting really frustrated during an argument and saying, ‘well f you, Bob! You’re an ass!’

No need ‘to feel sorry’ for anyone. Everyone is different. If my partner told me to F off when we were in an argument, I’d consider the context and I wouldn’t feel the need to run to a therapist and say I’ve been ‘abused’. Please. Some of you are so fragile. You think this makes you strong, but it actually shows how weak you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sample size is 3 (my marriage, my parents and my in-laws). None of us swear at each other or raise voices. All of us get annoyed at our spouses and have arguments. Never involves a temper, yelling, names, meanness. Never.

I’m going to chime in that I know families like this. In my limited experience, many of those same families that ‘never raise voices at each other, ever!!’ do other even more messed up things to each other. The DH has a long term AP, the DW has secretly re mortgaged the house for her gambling addiction, the grandfather abused the grandkids.

Every family has its tales. I think being mad and feeling anger and expressing it is fairly normal behavior.

Oh ok. So SA is ok as long as it wasn't r*pe or inc@st. Do you even hear yourself? You can have conflict in a normal and healthy way without resorting to namecalling and hiding massive abusive. I feel sorry for your partner, you are definitely in need of massive long term therapy.

Reading comprehension? The point was that those things, including SA, are obviously far more harmful than someone getting really frustrated during an argument and saying, ‘well f you, Bob! You’re an ass!’

No need ‘to feel sorry’ for anyone. Everyone is different. If my partner told me to F off when we were in an argument, I’d consider the context and I wouldn’t feel the need to run to a therapist and say I’ve been ‘abused’. Please. Some of you are so fragile. You think this makes you strong, but it actually shows how weak you are.

More like it shows how incapable you are of dealing with conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. My parents didn’t do this at all, but I name calling when I get really mad at dh. Unlike others, I don’t think generalized words are all that impactful. I’m aware it’s trashy and wrong but sometimes I blurt things out. ‘Dh, you are such a f’in prick!!’ In my defense, dh can be a very frustrating dirty fighter in his own right- he’s famous for the twisting non sequitor or bringing up old issues- and this is usually what proceeds my name calling.

Our argument style is definitely bad, but fortunately we’ve been able to limit them, we don’t do it when kids are home, and we make up quickly.

If this happened early on in our relationship, I would take pause and re assess and see if I could fix it before moving forward, but at my stage, it’s not breakup worthy.

You should not be giving the OP advice if you admit you do this, and know it's bad. JFC. Grow up.

Honestly I think it’s you who needs to grow up. There is no perfect marriage because there is no perfect human. Life is a balance of priorities.

My marriage is not perfect, but I can say hand on heart that I have never yelled at my husband in anger and called him a f'in prick. I can also say the same that my husband has never yelled at me and insulted me. You sound like you are stuck in the cycle of abuse and cannot escape. Your reaction is unhealthy, but understandable when you are with another abusive person. Sounds like he definitely needs therapy to get over whatever previous issues he has, but you also should consider it to realize that this isn't a healthy way to live.

A calm, peaceful life without yelling, screaming and name calling IS possible. I hope you have a long peaceful stretch and don't have to deal with this too often.

My point is everyone is different, and you don’t get to decide what a healthy relationship is for others. Grow up.

And I’ll bet that your husband expresses disdain from you at least occasionally (maybe often given how annoying you sound on here) in other ways. Maybe he makes fun of you to his friends, maybe he rolls his eyes at you, maybe he lies about being at work and stays out with a coworker he prefers over you, maybe he’s sleeping with the babysitter behind your back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sample size is 3 (my marriage, my parents and my in-laws). None of us swear at each other or raise voices. All of us get annoyed at our spouses and have arguments. Never involves a temper, yelling, names, meanness. Never.

I’m going to chime in that I know families like this. In my limited experience, many of those same families that ‘never raise voices at each other, ever!!’ do other even more messed up things to each other. The DH has a long term AP, the DW has secretly re mortgaged the house for her gambling addiction, the grandfather abused the grandkids.

Every family has its tales. I think being mad and feeling anger and expressing it is fairly normal behavior.

Oh ok. So SA is ok as long as it wasn't r*pe or inc@st. Do you even hear yourself? You can have conflict in a normal and healthy way without resorting to namecalling and hiding massive abusive. I feel sorry for your partner, you are definitely in need of massive long term therapy.

Reading comprehension? The point was that those things, including SA, are obviously far more harmful than someone getting really frustrated during an argument and saying, ‘well f you, Bob! You’re an ass!’

No need ‘to feel sorry’ for anyone. Everyone is different. If my partner told me to F off when we were in an argument, I’d consider the context and I wouldn’t feel the need to run to a therapist and say I’ve been ‘abused’. Please. Some of you are so fragile. You think this makes you strong, but it actually shows how weak you are.

More like it shows how incapable you are of dealing with conflict.

I don’t think you understand that people express themselves in different ways. Your way isn’t ‘right’ for everyone. What an uptight turd you appear to be. Jeesh

[Anonymous]

Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. My parents didn’t do this at all, but I name calling when I get really mad at dh. Unlike others, I don’t think generalized words are all that impactful. I’m aware it’s trashy and wrong but sometimes I blurt things out. ‘Dh, you are such a f’in prick!!’ In my defense, dh can be a very frustrating dirty fighter in his own right- he’s famous for the twisting non sequitor or bringing up old issues- and this is usually what proceeds my name calling.

Our argument style is definitely bad, but fortunately we’ve been able to limit them, we don’t do it when kids are home, and we make up quickly.

If this happened early on in our relationship, I would take pause and re assess and see if I could fix it before moving forward, but at my stage, it’s not breakup worthy.

You should not be giving the OP advice if you admit you do this, and know it's bad. JFC. Grow up.

Honestly I think it’s you who needs to grow up. There is no perfect marriage because there is no perfect human. Life is a balance of priorities.

My marriage is not perfect, but I can say hand on heart that I have never yelled at my husband in anger and called him a f'in prick. I can also say the same that my husband has never yelled at me and insulted me. You sound like you are stuck in the cycle of abuse and cannot escape. Your reaction is unhealthy, but understandable when you are with another abusive person. Sounds like he definitely needs therapy to get over whatever previous issues he has, but you also should consider it to realize that this isn't a healthy way to live.

A calm, peaceful life without yelling, screaming and name calling IS possible. I hope you have a long peaceful stretch and don't have to deal with this too often.

My point is everyone is different, and you don’t get to decide what a healthy relationship is for others. Grow up.

And I’ll bet that your husband expresses disdain from you at least occasionally (maybe often given how annoying you sound on here) in other ways. Maybe he makes fun of you to his friends, maybe he rolls his eyes at you, maybe he lies about being at work and stays out with a coworker he prefers over you, maybe he’s sleeping with the babysitter behind your back.

Honestly, swear to god, do you believe swearing at your partner and calling them insulting names is healthy? Your relationship has 0% to do with me, it does not impact or affect me at all. But what is healthy and what is abusive are generally pretty clear cut.

Why is your first instinct when someone comments on your relationship to try and make their life sound miserable? Does making fun of someone else, or thinking that everyone else is in a sh^tty relationship with abusive men make you feel better? It just makes you sound sad and pathetic. Like you have to bring everyone else down to your level lest they be "better" than you.

My marriage is not perfect, but we are both pretty easy going. If we have an issue, we bring it up. We've been together 20 years, and have set various "ground rules". We don't talk sh^t about each other to family or friends. We don't lie to each other to hang out with coworkers. Or babysitters. My marriage is not perfect, but it is not a trainwreck like you seem to want to believe. I'm sorry that hearing other people are happy and secure in their relationships upsets you, but it is true for a lot of people, and it's out there.

I'll give you one though - he probably does roll his eyes at me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my SO (we live together) and I get into an argument, often over trivial things, SO will get angry and call me names. They don't apologize about this afterwards. I've discussed this issue and said it's disrespectful, I don't do it even when angry, and it should stop. It hasn't. Do you think this is something worth breaking up over?




(I didn't post genders or ages because I don't think it's relevant who is doing the swearing, how old we are, and whether we're SS couple or not. Just want unfiltered opinions please )

He gets so angry over trivial things that he calls you names? How often is this happening? Do you like being a human punching bag? There are 8 billion people on earth. Don't stay with 1 who treats you like garbage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

I think the pp was making light of the comparison of calling someone else "fragile" while not being able to resolve an argument without WW3. Just like how men always call women so emotional, meanwhile they fail to understand that men are extremely emotional, they just dont count anger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol.
"Youre so fragile"
"I can't have an argument without bursting into flames and yelling profanities and insults"

Right right. Makes total sense.

DP. 99/100 times I disagree with my husband about something we resolve it easily.
1/100 times we have a disagreement it ends up as a fight and we yell.

I’m not scared of being mad or having my spouse get mad at me, and I don’t consider myself a victim or a perpetrator of abuse because of it.

There is a difference between being/getting mad, and swearing at your partner and calling them names. Everyone gets mad at some point. How you deal with it is what matters. Insulting your spouse in anger is not a healthy way of resolving it.

"Insulting your spouse in anger is a form of verbal abuse, which can significantly damage a relationship. It erodes trust, harms self-esteem, and can lead to resentment and isolation. While anger is a normal emotion, it's crucial to manage it constructively and avoid using insults as a weapon."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this normal? No.
Is this healthy? No.
Is this abusive? Yes.
Can this escalate? Yes.

It's very distressing to see people justifying this, or saying it's better than XYZ. Unfortunately, the only people who seem to think this either participate in it and are abusive to their partner, or have someone who does it to them. Either way, not a person you want to be.

Very distressing? Seriously?

NP. Yes, distressing. Normalizing this kind of behavior because this is what you do or know.

It’s not normal as in it’s normal everyday behavior. It’s normal for people in a long term committed relationship to resolve 95% of arguments without too much conflict, but to break out into a fight once every couple of months or so. And sometimes people say mean things or call each other names when they fight.

That’s not emotional abuse, and it’s definitely not sexual abuse.

It definitely is emotional abuse. It's terrifying that you refuse to acknowledge that.

What if I’m not angry, and I tell my husband not to send an email because it makes him sound like a d!ck? Is that terrifying?
What if he tells me that he is having an issue with a friend, and I tell him that he was the a$$hole in that situation, and he should apologize. Is that abuse? What if it was my mom that he is being an a$$hole to, and I get angry and call him out on it? Does that terrify you?

Is it the words that you find abusive? Is it the disagreeing with your spouse? Is it the getting angry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this normal? No.
Is this healthy? No.
Is this abusive? Yes.
Can this escalate? Yes.

It's very distressing to see people justifying this, or saying it's better than XYZ. Unfortunately, the only people who seem to think this either participate in it and are abusive to their partner, or have someone who does it to them. Either way, not a person you want to be.

Very distressing? Seriously?

NP. Yes, distressing. Normalizing this kind of behavior because this is what you do or know.

It’s not normal as in it’s normal everyday behavior. It’s normal for people in a long term committed relationship to resolve 95% of arguments without too much conflict, but to break out into a fight once every couple of months or so. And sometimes people say mean things or call each other names when they fight.

That’s not emotional abuse, and it’s definitely not sexual abuse.

It definitely is emotional abuse. It's terrifying that you refuse to acknowledge that.

What if I’m not angry, and I tell my husband not to send an email because it makes him sound like a d!ck? Is that terrifying?
What if he tells me that he is having an issue with a friend, and I tell him that he was the a$$hole in that situation, and he should apologize. Is that abuse? What if it was my mom that he is being an a$$hole to, and I get angry and call him out on it? Does that terrify you?

Is it the words that you find abusive? Is it the disagreeing with your spouse? Is it the getting angry?

Trying to find a loop hole in abuse is a new one.