fighting w/SO--is this normal or ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. My parents didn’t do this at all, but I name calling when I get really mad at dh. Unlike others, I don’t think generalized words are all that impactful. I’m aware it’s trashy and wrong but sometimes I blurt things out. ‘Dh, you are such a f’in prick!!’ In my defense, dh can be a very frustrating dirty fighter in his own right- he’s famous for the twisting non sequitor or bringing up old issues- and this is usually what proceeds my name calling.

Our argument style is definitely bad, but fortunately we’ve been able to limit them, we don’t do it when kids are home, and we make up quickly.

If this happened early on in our relationship, I would take pause and re assess and see if I could fix it before moving forward, but at my stage, it’s not breakup worthy.

You should not be giving the OP advice if you admit you do this, and know it's bad. JFC. Grow up.

Honestly I think it’s you who needs to grow up. There is no perfect marriage because there is no perfect human. Life is a balance of priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this normal? No.
Is this healthy? No.
Is this abusive? Yes.
Can this escalate? Yes.

It's very distressing to see people justifying this, or saying it's better than XYZ. Unfortunately, the only people who seem to think this either participate in it and are abusive to their partner, or have someone who does it to them. Either way, not a person you want to be.

Very distressing? Seriously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if there are generational differences between the
1) Not normal not right but some grew up with it and can work towards not doing it
and
2) Not normal not right break up/divorce/ those people have other bad stuff too
Responses?

I don’t think it’s a generational thing. I think a number of people who regularly post in this forum have been victims of trauma and domestic abuse, and consequently they are unable to tolerate anything but the most mild conflict.

I think this is a good theory. I’ve noticed this in other areas. A lot of the posters here seem to be ‘egg shell’ types who cannot tolerate conflict and who seem quite anxious. Probably what draws people here - a safe outlet for expression of negative feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this normal? No.
Is this healthy? No.
Is this abusive? Yes.
Can this escalate? Yes.

It's very distressing to see people justifying this, or saying it's better than XYZ. Unfortunately, the only people who seem to think this either participate in it and are abusive to their partner, or have someone who does it to them. Either way, not a person you want to be.

Very distressing? Seriously?

NP. Yes, distressing. Normalizing this kind of behavior because this is what you do or know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if there are generational differences between the
1) Not normal not right but some grew up with it and can work towards not doing it
and
2) Not normal not right break up/divorce/ those people have other bad stuff too
Responses?

I don’t think it’s a generational thing. I think a number of people who regularly post in this forum have been victims of trauma and domestic abuse, and consequently they are unable to tolerate anything but the most mild conflict.

I think this is a good theory. I’ve noticed this in other areas. A lot of the posters here seem to be ‘egg shell’ types who cannot tolerate conflict and who seem quite anxious. Probably what draws people here - a safe outlet for expression of negative feelings.

The OP is living with someone. Not married. So I don't think that's the same thing. It doesn't say whether it's been 10 years or 10 months. That makes a difference. I think a lot of people here have been victims of trauma and are perpetuating it, as is very common. Some of these responses are nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. My parents didn’t do this at all, but I name calling when I get really mad at dh. Unlike others, I don’t think generalized words are all that impactful. I’m aware it’s trashy and wrong but sometimes I blurt things out. ‘Dh, you are such a f’in prick!!’ In my defense, dh can be a very frustrating dirty fighter in his own right- he’s famous for the twisting non sequitor or bringing up old issues- and this is usually what proceeds my name calling.

Our argument style is definitely bad, but fortunately we’ve been able to limit them, we don’t do it when kids are home, and we make up quickly.

If this happened early on in our relationship, I would take pause and re assess and see if I could fix it before moving forward, but at my stage, it’s not breakup worthy.

You should not be giving the OP advice if you admit you do this, and know it's bad. JFC. Grow up.

Honestly I think it’s you who needs to grow up. There is no perfect marriage because there is no perfect human. Life is a balance of priorities.

Who is married? You?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sample size is 3 (my marriage, my parents and my in-laws). None of us swear at each other or raise voices. All of us get annoyed at our spouses and have arguments. Never involves a temper, yelling, names, meanness. Never.

I’m going to chime in that I know families like this. In my limited experience, many of those same families that ‘never raise voices at each other, ever!!’ do other even more messed up things to each other. The DH has a long term AP, the DW has secretly re mortgaged the house for her gambling addiction, the grandfather abused the grandkids.

Every family has its tales. I think being mad and feeling anger and expressing it is fairly normal behavior.

Oh ok. So SA is ok as long as it wasn't r*pe or inc@st. Do you even hear yourself? You can have conflict in a normal and healthy way without resorting to namecalling and hiding massive abusive. I feel sorry for your partner, you are definitely in need of massive long term therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. My parents didn’t do this at all, but I name calling when I get really mad at dh. Unlike others, I don’t think generalized words are all that impactful. I’m aware it’s trashy and wrong but sometimes I blurt things out. ‘Dh, you are such a f’in prick!!’ In my defense, dh can be a very frustrating dirty fighter in his own right- he’s famous for the twisting non sequitor or bringing up old issues- and this is usually what proceeds my name calling.

Our argument style is definitely bad, but fortunately we’ve been able to limit them, we don’t do it when kids are home, and we make up quickly.

If this happened early on in our relationship, I would take pause and re assess and see if I could fix it before moving forward, but at my stage, it’s not breakup worthy.

You should not be giving the OP advice if you admit you do this, and know it's bad. JFC. Grow up.

Maybe not, but a long term marriage is certainly different than a new(ish)? couple just living together. PP, maybe stop doing that? You know it's abusive for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. My parents didn’t do this at all, but I name calling when I get really mad at dh. Unlike others, I don’t think generalized words are all that impactful. I’m aware it’s trashy and wrong but sometimes I blurt things out. ‘Dh, you are such a f’in prick!!’ In my defense, dh can be a very frustrating dirty fighter in his own right- he’s famous for the twisting non sequitor or bringing up old issues- and this is usually what proceeds my name calling.

Our argument style is definitely bad, but fortunately we’ve been able to limit them, we don’t do it when kids are home, and we make up quickly.

If this happened early on in our relationship, I would take pause and re assess and see if I could fix it before moving forward, but at my stage, it’s not breakup worthy.

You should not be giving the OP advice if you admit you do this, and know it's bad. JFC. Grow up.

Honestly I think it’s you who needs to grow up. There is no perfect marriage because there is no perfect human. Life is a balance of priorities.

No marriage is perfect, but most people I know don't say "‘Dh, you are such a f’in prick!!’ " out of anger. I'd rather be a nicer human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this normal? No.
Is this healthy? No.
Is this abusive? Yes.
Can this escalate? Yes.

It's very distressing to see people justifying this, or saying it's better than XYZ. Unfortunately, the only people who seem to think this either participate in it and are abusive to their partner, or have someone who does it to them. Either way, not a person you want to be.

Very distressing? Seriously?

Yes. 100%. Distressing. No one should be applauding abuse or telling others that it's normal, and they should stay. That's dangerous. And f***ed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this normal? No.
Is this healthy? No.
Is this abusive? Yes.
Can this escalate? Yes.

It's very distressing to see people justifying this, or saying it's better than XYZ. Unfortunately, the only people who seem to think this either participate in it and are abusive to their partner, or have someone who does it to them. Either way, not a person you want to be.

Very distressing? Seriously?

NP. Yes, distressing. Normalizing this kind of behavior because this is what you do or know.

It’s not normal as in it’s normal everyday behavior. It’s normal for people in a long term committed relationship to resolve 95% of arguments without too much conflict, but to break out into a fight once every couple of months or so. And sometimes people say mean things or call each other names when they fight.

That’s not emotional abuse, and it’s definitely not sexual abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sample size is 3 (my marriage, my parents and my in-laws). None of us swear at each other or raise voices. All of us get annoyed at our spouses and have arguments. Never involves a temper, yelling, names, meanness. Never.

I’m going to chime in that I know families like this. In my limited experience, many of those same families that ‘never raise voices at each other, ever!!’ do other even more messed up things to each other. The DH has a long term AP, the DW has secretly re mortgaged the house for her gambling addiction, the grandfather abused the grandkids.

Every family has its tales. I think being mad and feeling anger and expressing it is fairly normal behavior.

Oh ok. So SA is ok as long as it wasn't r*pe or inc@st. Do you even hear yourself? You can have conflict in a normal and healthy way without resorting to namecalling and hiding massive abusive. I feel sorry for your partner, you are definitely in need of massive long term therapy.

I'm not sure why, but there are a few posters on here who always post on these threads saying its totally normal for your spouse to yell at you, call you names, etc. I'm not sure if they are actually in relationships (and are either abusive or abused), or if they are just trolls who get off on trying to normalize abuse. There was a post a few weeks back about a man who told his gf to "shut the f*** up" and a bunch of people piled on with similar sentiments of pp "well aren't YOU just so perfect, YOU'VE never made a mistake ever!" and I was just like, I make tons of mistakes. I swear a lot. I do not abuse my partner with my words.

If people can't handle conflict without flying off the handle and abusing their partner, they aren't mature enough to be in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this normal? No.
Is this healthy? No.
Is this abusive? Yes.
Can this escalate? Yes.

It's very distressing to see people justifying this, or saying it's better than XYZ. Unfortunately, the only people who seem to think this either participate in it and are abusive to their partner, or have someone who does it to them. Either way, not a person you want to be.

Very distressing? Seriously?

NP. Yes, distressing. Normalizing this kind of behavior because this is what you do or know.

It’s not normal as in it’s normal everyday behavior. It’s normal for people in a long term committed relationship to resolve 95% of arguments without too much conflict, but to break out into a fight once every couple of months or so. And sometimes people say mean things or call each other names when they fight.

That’s not emotional abuse, and it’s definitely not sexual abuse.

It definitely is emotional abuse. It's terrifying that you refuse to acknowledge that.

[Anonymous]

Meh, who cares whether strangers think it’s normal or not? Do you want to live like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. My parents didn’t do this at all, but I name calling when I get really mad at dh. Unlike others, I don’t think generalized words are all that impactful. I’m aware it’s trashy and wrong but sometimes I blurt things out. ‘Dh, you are such a f’in prick!!’ In my defense, dh can be a very frustrating dirty fighter in his own right- he’s famous for the twisting non sequitor or bringing up old issues- and this is usually what proceeds my name calling.

Our argument style is definitely bad, but fortunately we’ve been able to limit them, we don’t do it when kids are home, and we make up quickly.

If this happened early on in our relationship, I would take pause and re assess and see if I could fix it before moving forward, but at my stage, it’s not breakup worthy.

You should not be giving the OP advice if you admit you do this, and know it's bad. JFC. Grow up.

Honestly I think it’s you who needs to grow up. There is no perfect marriage because there is no perfect human. Life is a balance of priorities.

Life is a balance of priorities - where does abusing your partner come into that balance?