fighting w/SO--is this normal or ok?

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not ok. They will try to tell you it’s normal and no biggie, but it is a big deal. It will escalate if you don’t set boundaries and remove yourself.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if there are generational differences between the
1) Not normal not right but some grew up with it and can work towards not doing it
and
2) Not normal not right break up/divorce/ those people have other bad stuff too
Responses?

[Anonymous]

Any name calling - stupid, useless, big baby, man child, idiot, jerk, b word, azzhole etc are all a big no. If you can’t disagree without being mean then it isn’t a healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sample size is 3 (my marriage, my parents and my in-laws). None of us swear at each other or raise voices. All of us get annoyed at our spouses and have arguments. Never involves a temper, yelling, names, meanness. Never.

I’m going to chime in that I know families like this. In my limited experience, many of those same families that ‘never raise voices at each other, ever!!’ do other even more messed up things to each other. The DH has a long term AP, the DW has secretly re mortgaged the house for her gambling addiction, the grandfather abused the grandkids.

Every family has its tales. I think being mad and feeling anger and expressing it is fairly normal behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if there are generational differences between the
1) Not normal not right but some grew up with it and can work towards not doing it
and
2) Not normal not right break up/divorce/ those people have other bad stuff too
Responses?

See I posted that my parents did NOT do this. But they did other unkind things. My dad had a quiet affair with a co worker that went on for several years. There was not a single argument over this that I ever saw. My mother seemed to subtly/quietly despise my dad for a number of years. But they never yelled, never swore, etc. In fact, we never really discussed feelings at all, we didn’t express love openly, nor did we discuss sex.

In contrast, my current family is very warm, we tell each other we love each other constantly, there is lots of physical affection and joking. But we do also yell and cursing happens occasionally.

Which is better? Idk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is something that’s a personal boundary thing. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then you need to tell your SO that this is a big deal and you are willing to end the relationship over it.
I don’t think this is necessarily something that everyone would break up over though. Some people are more comfortable with swearing than others. Both swearing themselves and hearing others swear.

The OP says being called names, not general swearing. I think there's a huge difference between yelling "I'm so $*#( mad right now, I hate that kind of crap" and "you're a f##ing a$$hole". Do you really think it's acceptable to be called names? Even if it's just jerk, or dumba## or similar. It's not. It's abuse. It's never ok.

It seems weird to say it when I’m not angry and my frontal lobe is fully functioning, but yes, I think it’s normal sometimes to call someone an a$$hole in the context of a fight.

If it’s a boundary for you, then it’s a boundary for you. But I don’t think that it’s abusive in and of itself.

Ha, agree. I just posted. When I’m super mad, it’s all scrambled.

I just read your post. I’m glad someone else feels the same way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if there are generational differences between the
1) Not normal not right but some grew up with it and can work towards not doing it
and
2) Not normal not right break up/divorce/ those people have other bad stuff too
Responses?

I don’t think it’s a generational thing. I think a number of people who regularly post in this forum have been victims of trauma and domestic abuse, and consequently they are unable to tolerate anything but the most mild conflict.

[Anonymous]

Abnormal. Move on.

[Anonymous]

First, it would be a good sign if your partner could make the effort to treat you with respect, even when angry. Not a good sign if they won’t.

That being said, only you know how this relationship makes you feel. A partner can make-or-break the quality of your whole life. It’s worth thinking big picture about whether you can see a fulfilling, happy life with them. Good marriages come in a lot of shapes and sizes (and some involve styles of communication that are not preferable for me) but they almost universally make each partner feel good about themselves and each other.

Don’t let momentum move this relationship towards next steps unless you have really decided it’s what you want for your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh. My parents didn’t do this at all, but I name calling when I get really mad at dh. Unlike others, I don’t think generalized words are all that impactful. I’m aware it’s trashy and wrong but sometimes I blurt things out. ‘Dh, you are such a f’in prick!!’ In my defense, dh can be a very frustrating dirty fighter in his own right- he’s famous for the twisting non sequitor or bringing up old issues- and this is usually what proceeds my name calling.

Our argument style is definitely bad, but fortunately we’ve been able to limit them, we don’t do it when kids are home, and we make up quickly.

If this happened early on in our relationship, I would take pause and re assess and see if I could fix it before moving forward, but at my stage, it’s not breakup worthy.

You should not be giving the OP advice if you admit you do this, and know it's bad. JFC. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Is this normal? No.
Is this healthy? No.
Is this abusive? Yes.
Can this escalate? Yes.

It's very distressing to see people justifying this, or saying it's better than XYZ. Unfortunately, the only people who seem to think this either participate in it and are abusive to their partner, or have someone who does it to them. Either way, not a person you want to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my SO (we live together) and I get into an argument, often over trivial things, SO will get angry and call me names. They don't apologize about this afterwards. I've discussed this issue and said it's disrespectful, I don't do it even when angry, and it should stop. It hasn't. Do you think this is something worth breaking up over?




(I didn't post genders or ages because I don't think it's relevant who is doing the swearing, how old we are, and whether we're SS couple or not. Just want unfiltered opinions please )

Why would anyone consider it acceptable?

[Anonymous]

Are you really annoying and argumentative? They should leave you instead of calling you names.

[Anonymous]

Your SO has issues that might improve with therapy. Or might not. I make couples and individual therapy your line in the sand. It’s not at all normal or negotiable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my SO (we live together) and I get into an argument, often over trivial things, SO will get angry and call me names. They don't apologize about this afterwards. I've discussed this issue and said it's disrespectful, I don't do it even when angry, and it should stop. It hasn't. Do you think this is something worth breaking up over?




(I didn't post genders or ages because I don't think it's relevant who is doing the swearing, how old we are, and whether we're SS couple or not. Just want unfiltered opinions please )

Are you repeatedly doing things to upset them?

What causes the anger outbursts? That's the main thing to focus on at the moment.