Reply to H’s ADHD can’t be fixed. Now what?

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[quote=Anonymous]I have adhd and am a mom to a teen boy with adhd so I have a little perspective from two different sides.

Some of the most common antidepressants make adhd worse.  I was on lexapro for a while and it make me so zoned out.  I’ve heard Wellbutrin is better but I didn’t try it.  So that’s one thing to consider.

I would tell him calmly that you need him to get more help for his medical condition.  I would use a compliment sandwich and put that in the middle of some positive things about him.  He should be in therapy to address his motivation and phone usage.  You can’t be the one monitoring it.  Even with my teen son that’s a disaster and feels emasculating to him and leads to so many fights.  With a husband, this will be impossible.  He needs to come up with a solution with his therapist.  I would tell him you need an avenue to be able to update the therapist on issues so the therapist knows what to work on.  This is how it works with teens in therapy — they won’t share info with me but I can share info with them.  The therapist should know hr is locking himself in bedroom, for instance.

I don’t know if there’s a path forward here or not but he needs some assistance and self confidence to dig himself out of this hole.

I would be very specifical about things you need him to do.  Before you ask him. Think — is this something we can live without (cleaning garage, buying in-laws Xmas presents) or something that really needs to be done (taking child to dentist).  Use visual cues like a large family white board planner and tech clues like invites to his outlook calendar.  If you can additional cues may be helpful-/ eg send a text in the morning with something llle “Thansk for taking Larla to dentist this afternoon!  Hoping for no cavities!”  Not nagging (so don’t say “please don’t forget to take larlo to dentist”) but subtle reminders.  When you are resigning children, this is called scaffolding the skills.  It might not be your job to do this scaffolding, but it should eventually make your life easier.  It might help you to read a good book for adhd parenting like  The ADHD book of lists, or A Family’s First Guide to ADHD.  You can use some of the same skills scaffolding tricks.

Good luck.[/quote]

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