No sex drive and dh and I argue over it constantly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would also be okay never doing it again. 44, definitely not overweight, with an attentive DH who does his fair share. It honestly feels like a chore, and there have been enough times that it’s gone on too long for it to be enjoyable/feels invasive that my body just kind of freezes up when he initiates. Like another PP, I will usually initiate during ovulation or my period, but that’s pretty much it. I do feel bad and wish things were different.

This is why it's good to initiate quickies. DH is happy, you get credit for initiating, and things have to go quickly because the alarm is about to go off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I put a stop to my wife initiating quickies for my benefit. I don't want pity sex, and I don't want her to just be tolerating it. If she's having sex as some kind of favor, that feels demeaning.

If she doesn't want to have sex with me, I'd much rather just masturbate.

First, you’re a loser. Second, you’re a prick. And third, get off this ladies thread, weirdo

Enthusiastic consent is the standard. Women shouldn't be expected to "lie back and think of England" as their husbands do their business. And husbands shouldn't want them to.

Agree 100%. It will kill the mood, whether you believe it or not.

Marriage counselors / therapists all recommend that couples busy with raising kids, 2 jobs, caring for aging parents, etc “schedule” s*x, so that intimacy isn’t forgotten or de-prioritized to the point you end up in a sexless marriage.

But on one occasion when we tried what was suggested, she came in, laid down, and said to me: “just get it over with.”

I put my clothes back on and left the room without saying a word.

If you truly no longer want to, then you have to divorce and set him free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I put a stop to my wife initiating quickies for my benefit. I don't want pity sex, and I don't want her to just be tolerating it. If she's having sex as some kind of favor, that feels demeaning.

If she doesn't want to have sex with me, I'd much rather just masturbate.

First, you’re a loser. Second, you’re a prick. And third, get off this ladies thread, weirdo

Enthusiastic consent is the standard. Women shouldn't be expected to "lie back and think of England" as their husbands do their business. And husbands shouldn't want them to.

Agree 100%. It will kill the mood, whether you believe it or not.

Marriage counselors / therapists all recommend that couples busy with raising kids, 2 jobs, caring for aging parents, etc “schedule” s*x, so that intimacy isn’t forgotten or de-prioritized to the point you end up in a sexless marriage.

But on one occasion when we tried what was suggested, she came in, laid down, and said to me: “just get it over with.”

I put my clothes back on and left the room without saying a word.

If you truly no longer want to, then you have to divorce and set him free.

That is awful.

[Anonymous]

"And I am sick of women being pressured into feeling guilty and like there is something wrong with them that "needs" to be medically treated when it's NORMAL for us to be losing our libidos."

No, it is not at all normal to LOSE your libido. It is normal for it to wane as you age. It's normal for it to really subside if you're in pain or acutely sick. When you're sick it's expected that you'll take action to heal and recover, and that your libido will come back. If it doesn't, it is normal to seek out medical help to get it back to its regular state.

Plenty of women in their 50s and 60s and even some in their 70s are having great sex lives. Most of those are probably not having sex with the same man they married at 25. But that's a different discussion. Having a libido, even a reduced one, is normal throughout life.

And 60 is not old in anybody's book, or it shouldn't be. I thought 60 was old back when I was a dumb teen. Hell, I thought 30 was old back then. Macron's wife is 72. She's not a celebrity sex status symbol that none of us could realistically look to as a role model for aging well. She's just a normal woman who is a mom and wife. Michelle Obama is 62. Does anybody here honestly think she isn't still having sex with her man or that the two of them would think it's normal to not have sex?!?! Gabby Giffords is 55. I could go on...

[Anonymous]

I've never checked to confirm that this is indeed true, but it's widely believed that STIs are common in nursing homes. Explain that if you think it's normal to not want sex after 55.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"And I am sick of women being pressured into feeling guilty and like there is something wrong with them that "needs" to be medically treated when it's NORMAL for us to be losing our libidos."

No, it is not at all normal to LOSE your libido. It is normal for it to wane as you age. It's normal for it to really subside if you're in pain or acutely sick. When you're sick it's expected that you'll take action to heal and recover, and that your libido will come back. If it doesn't, it is normal to seek out medical help to get it back to its regular state.

Plenty of women in their 50s and 60s and even some in their 70s are having great sex lives. Most of those are probably not having sex with the same man they married at 25. But that's a different discussion. Having a libido, even a reduced one, is normal throughout life.

And 60 is not old in anybody's book, or it shouldn't be. I thought 60 was old back when I was a dumb teen. Hell, I thought 30 was old back then. Macron's wife is 72. She's not a celebrity sex status symbol that none of us could realistically look to as a role model for aging well. She's just a normal woman who is a mom and wife. Michelle Obama is 62. Does anybody here honestly think she isn't still having sex with her man or that the two of them would think it's normal to not have sex?!?! Gabby Giffords is 55. I could go on...

Wrong. The bolded. It is not something that 'needs' to be 'fixed'. Can you take meds or whatever to help it come back? Sure. But it is NORMAL to lose it, which is the same thing as wane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s mostly ‘joke’ bickering but obviously he’s frustrated. I don’t blame him but it is just so hard to get in the mood. I’m exhausted most of the time, have headaches a lot, etc. Honestly if I found out he got it elsewhere on occasion, there’s part of me that would not care I know he loves me and we will be together.

Anyone else navigating this issue?

Tell him that.

[Anonymous]

I am one of the minority of women who still have very high drive in menopause. Sadly, my husband does not anymore. It makes me very, very sad. On some days, totally devastated. I suffer silently. He talks about the future, after the kids go to college , when we’re emptying nesters, etc. And I go along with it, but in my head, I’m kind of like, seriously?

When we do have sex, which is like once every one to two weeks, I’m content for a day or two. Then I begin to get anxious about when we’re going to have it again. Then I just started to get angry and resentful. It’s literally all I think about. It’s awful. I feel like if he actually loved me, knowing how important it is to me, I don’t understand why he wouldn’t make more of an effort for it. I get that he’s busy, but you always have time for the things that are really important to you. I guess my happiness is not one of them for him.

I would not wish what I’m going through on anyone and I’m not sure how long I will be able to take it. Ladies, be careful denying your DH something that is so central to their entire being. It might get to the point where they just feel like they can’t take it anymore, even if they wish they could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the minority of women who still have very high drive in menopause. Sadly, my husband does not anymore. It makes me very, very sad. On some days, totally devastated. I suffer silently. He talks about the future, after the kids go to college , when we’re emptying nesters, etc. And I go along with it, but in my head, I’m kind of like, seriously?

When we do have sex, which is like once every one to two weeks, I’m content for a day or two. Then I begin to get anxious about when we’re going to have it again. Then I just started to get angry and resentful. It’s literally all I think about. It’s awful. I feel like if he actually loved me, knowing how important it is to me, I don’t understand why he wouldn’t make more of an effort for it. I get that he’s busy, but you always have time for the things that are really important to you. I guess my happiness is not one of them for him.

I would not wish what I’m going through on anyone and I’m not sure how long I will be able to take it. Ladies, be careful denying your DH something that is so central to their entire being. It might get to the point where they just feel like they can’t take it anymore, even if they wish they could.

Have you tried talking to him about this? Does he have ED? Ughhh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never checked to confirm that this is indeed true, but it's widely believed that STIs are common in nursing homes. Explain that if you think it's normal to not want sex after 55.

My mom and dad lived in a retirement community. A lot of widows/widowers in that place. It had a lot of cameras and security. My mom was friendly with the security staff. One of them told her it was wild who was sleeping with whom. No names but just about the late night sneaking around.

Let's just say she knew about one handsome golfer who was getting plenty of action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s mostly ‘joke’ bickering but obviously he’s frustrated. I don’t blame him but it is just so hard to get in the mood. I’m exhausted most of the time, have headaches a lot, etc. Honestly if I found out he got it elsewhere on occasion, there’s part of me that would not care. I know he loves me and we will be together.

Anyone else navigating this issue?

Yes!

Though not really navigating it; just enduring the new situation (and also encountering bickering).

But, always looking for constructive suggestions! - with a few caveats:

No, we are NOT “opening the marriage;” no “hall pass,” etc. not happening. And NO- will not divorce, so that’s not happening either.

With that said: other suggestions? Ideas? Things to try?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"And I am sick of women being pressured into feeling guilty and like there is something wrong with them that "needs" to be medically treated when it's NORMAL for us to be losing our libidos."

No, it is not at all normal to LOSE your libido. It is normal for it to wane as you age. It's normal for it to really subside if you're in pain or acutely sick. When you're sick it's expected that you'll take action to heal and recover, and that your libido will come back. If it doesn't, it is normal to seek out medical help to get it back to its regular state.

Plenty of women in their 50s and 60s and even some in their 70s are having great sex lives. Most of those are probably not having sex with the same man they married at 25. But that's a different discussion. Having a libido, even a reduced one, is normal throughout life.

And 60 is not old in anybody's book, or it shouldn't be. I thought 60 was old back when I was a dumb teen. Hell, I thought 30 was old back then. Macron's wife is 72. She's not a celebrity sex status symbol that none of us could realistically look to as a role model for aging well. She's just a normal woman who is a mom and wife. Michelle Obama is 62. Does anybody here honestly think she isn't still having sex with her man or that the two of them would think it's normal to not have sex?!?! Gabby Giffords is 55. I could go on...

Wrong. The bolded. It is not something that 'needs' to be 'fixed'. Can you take meds or whatever to help it come back? Sure. But it is NORMAL to lose it, which is the same thing as wane.

+1

The research on this is quite clear. It is normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s mostly ‘joke’ bickering but obviously he’s frustrated. I don’t blame him but it is just so hard to get in the mood. I’m exhausted most of the time, have headaches a lot, etc. Honestly if I found out he got it elsewhere on occasion, there’s part of me that would not care. I know he loves me and we will be together.

Anyone else navigating this issue?

Yes!

Though not really navigating it; just enduring the new situation (and also encountering bickering).

But, always looking for constructive suggestions! - with a few caveats:

No, we are NOT “opening the marriage;” no “hall pass,” etc. not happening. And NO- will not divorce, so that’s not happening either.

With that said: other suggestions? Ideas? Things to try?

You need to go through the effort to find your husband a new sexual partner. Otherwise, ending his sexual life without his say is tantamount to spousal abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t wait until you are in the mood. Many times just doing it will lead to a desire to do it.

This and the more you do it generally the more you want to.

This is not true in perimenopause/ menopause. I would be happy never doing it again!

That’s not really the case with self-care, which often leads to more frequent and enjoyable self-care.

Nope, I also don't "self- care" anymore. No interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s mostly ‘joke’ bickering but obviously he’s frustrated. I don’t blame him but it is just so hard to get in the mood. I’m exhausted most of the time, have headaches a lot, etc. Honestly if I found out he got it elsewhere on occasion, there’s part of me that would not care. I know he loves me and we will be together.

Anyone else navigating this issue?

Yes!

Though not really navigating it; just enduring the new situation (and also encountering bickering).

But, always looking for constructive suggestions! - with a few caveats:

No, we are NOT “opening the marriage;” no “hall pass,” etc. not happening. And NO- will not divorce, so that’s not happening either.

With that said: other suggestions? Ideas? Things to try?

You need to go through the effort to find your husband a new sexual partner. Otherwise, ending his sexual life without his say is tantamount to spousal abuse.

I already said that I/we have specifically ruled that out! Not helpful.

Anyone have useful work-arounds to suggest?!