No sex drive and dh and I argue over it constantly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the exact same situation as op. 52 and don’t even want to be touched leave alone have sex. It is so repulsive. I have tried lying down and go through the motion but DH does not like that. Can’t pretend anymore it is enjoyable!!! DH is very frustrated and I do feel bad making him go through this but I am totally done. If he will be active for next 10 or 15 years, he is going to get nothing from me. I do think he should just move on and find someone else.

why don't you offer him to go out and get it? This is abusive if you know where you stand but want to tie him down for the sake of marriage. You can still be married and let him enjoy outside the home.

When you do this it should be with the understanding that your marriage might end up ending if the DH finds someone he is fully compatible with, including sex.

But that’s always a risk. I may decide that I’m more compatible with the guy who *doesn’t* want sex, and could choose to end the marriage. Not likely, but always a risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the exact same situation as op. 52 and don’t even want to be touched leave alone have sex. It is so repulsive. I have tried lying down and go through the motion but DH does not like that. Can’t pretend anymore it is enjoyable!!! DH is very frustrated and I do feel bad making him go through this but I am totally done. If he will be active for next 10 or 15 years, he is going to get nothing from me. I do think he should just move on and find someone else.

why don't you offer him to go out and get it? This is abusive if you know where you stand but want to tie him down for the sake of marriage. You can still be married and let him enjoy outside the home.

Yes I have told it’s ok for him to fulfill his needs outside or he can move on and take divorce. I totally understand his side. He wants to stay in the marriage though. Things are not pretty at the moment

I also want to add as a young couple, infidelity would have been a complete no no. But with decades of marriage and growing old, attachment has taken a backseat. It is what it is.

This is exactly it. There’s another thread on this topic and people are aghast and saying that couples must divorce if they’re sexually mismatched and one person goes elsewhere for a time. But why? Marriage is long and full of bonds. I would never throw that away because of sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this thread. I’m in my late 40s and weigh the same as in my 20s and have near zero drive for years. I regularly have sex with my husband because I want him to be attached and committed to me. It’s really a very easy way to keep the peace.

Obviously this approach may be hard for victims of sex abuse, but for everyone else I highly recommend it. Maybe as I age my mind will change, who knows.

Come talk to us in 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this thread. I’m in my late 40s and weigh the same as in my 20s and have near zero drive for years. I regularly have sex with my husband because I want him to be attached and committed to me. It’s really a very easy way to keep the peace.

Obviously this approach may be hard for victims of sex abuse, but for everyone else I highly recommend it. Maybe as I age my mind will change, who knows.

I finally found an upside to being a sexual assault survivor -- apparently it's the only valid reason for a woman to stop having sex when her libido dies.

But seriously, as someone who has been dealing with the trauma of nonconsensual sex for 20 years -- if you don't want sex, you don't have to have sex. If you are willing to make yourself do it to please your spouse, that's up to you. But NO ONE is obligated to have sex they don't want. And no one is entitled to sex with someone who doesn't want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand this thread. I’m in my late 40s and weigh the same as in my 20s and have near zero drive for years. I regularly have sex with my husband because I want him to be attached and committed to me. It’s really a very easy way to keep the peace.

Obviously this approach may be hard for victims of sex abuse, but for everyone else I highly recommend it. Maybe as I age my mind will change, who knows.

Come talk to us in 10 years.

The thing is, I wouldn’t even say 10 years. There is an ocean between 48 and 52 for some women. It’s sort of like saying “I got pregnant so easily at 35 and then at 39 we are having trouble what is going on?” Things just changed really rapidly for women at different stages in your life. The difference between 48 and 52 can be night and day.

Not necessarily for everyone, but for some women, this is true.

The issue is sex drive is not the only thing that changes. As estrogen recedes there are structural changes in the brain and women often become less willing to keep the peace, less willing to be the repairer of relationships, in all aspects of their lives. It’s more complicated than just sex drive.

[Anonymous]

We stopped having sex in our late 50s. Health issues on both sides. It stopped being fun anymore.

Sometimes that's how life works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the exact same situation as op. 52 and don’t even want to be touched leave alone have sex. It is so repulsive. I have tried lying down and go through the motion but DH does not like that. Can’t pretend anymore it is enjoyable!!! DH is very frustrated and I do feel bad making him go through this but I am totally done. If he will be active for next 10 or 15 years, he is going to get nothing from me. I do think he should just move on and find someone else.

why don't you offer him to go out and get it? This is abusive if you know where you stand but want to tie him down for the sake of marriage. You can still be married and let him enjoy outside the home.

Yes I have told it’s ok for him to fulfill his needs outside or he can move on and take divorce. I totally understand his side. He wants to stay in the marriage though. Things are not pretty at the moment

I also want to add as a young couple, infidelity would have been a complete no no. But with decades of marriage and growing old, attachment has taken a backseat. It is what it is.

This is exactly it. There’s another thread on this topic and people are aghast and saying that couples must divorce if they’re sexually mismatched and one person goes elsewhere for a time. But why? Marriage is long and full of bonds. I would never throw that away because of sex

I'm a DH. I agree with this, mostly. When I was young and the relationship was new, infidelity would have been an immediate deal breaker. Now, we've been together for a long, long time. I can't say how I'd react if she cheated; but I'm not at all certain it would be a deal breaker. (This is purely hypothetical - infidelity seems really unlikely from either of us.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the exact same situation as op. 52 and don’t even want to be touched leave alone have sex. It is so repulsive. I have tried lying down and go through the motion but DH does not like that. Can’t pretend anymore it is enjoyable!!! DH is very frustrated and I do feel bad making him go through this but I am totally done. If he will be active for next 10 or 15 years, he is going to get nothing from me. I do think he should just move on and find someone else.

why don't you offer him to go out and get it? This is abusive if you know where you stand but want to tie him down for the sake of marriage. You can still be married and let him enjoy outside the home.

Yes I have told it’s ok for him to fulfill his needs outside or he can move on and take divorce. I totally understand his side. He wants to stay in the marriage though. Things are not pretty at the moment

I also want to add as a young couple, infidelity would have been a complete no no. But with decades of marriage and growing old, attachment has taken a backseat. It is what it is.

Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the exact same situation as op. 52 and don’t even want to be touched leave alone have sex. It is so repulsive. I have tried lying down and go through the motion but DH does not like that. Can’t pretend anymore it is enjoyable!!! DH is very frustrated and I do feel bad making him go through this but I am totally done. If he will be active for next 10 or 15 years, he is going to get nothing from me. I do think he should just move on and find someone else.

why don't you offer him to go out and get it? This is abusive if you know where you stand but want to tie him down for the sake of marriage. You can still be married and let him enjoy outside the home.

Yes I have told it’s ok for him to fulfill his needs outside or he can move on and take divorce. I totally understand his side. He wants to stay in the marriage though. Things are not pretty at the moment

Divorce is expensive, the older you are the more expensive it gets as you have to split more assets, headaches launching kids, maintaining two residences and fighting about who owes who what. Unless you hate each other or at least cannot stand living together (as friends, roommates, "relatives") then it just ends up not being worth it.

Also, when you say "get it on the side" it doesn't always end up being a transactional sex worker with no strings attached. It could be another serious relationship (a younger mistress) and another set of kids, which I am sure you don't want, as you will have to share your combined networth with her. Your kids may not be happy, the tale as old as time

[Anonymous]

It is all extremely simple. If you don’t care he gets it elsewhere and possibly even leaves you - fine. If you do, better get in the mood. I don’t understand what’s there to discuss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is all extremely simple. If you don’t care he gets it elsewhere and possibly even leaves you - fine. If you do, better get in the mood. I don’t understand what’s there to discuss.

It's not simple once divorce attorneys get involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the exact same situation as op. 52 and don’t even want to be touched leave alone have sex. It is so repulsive. I have tried lying down and go through the motion but DH does not like that. Can’t pretend anymore it is enjoyable!!! DH is very frustrated and I do feel bad making him go through this but I am totally done. If he will be active for next 10 or 15 years, he is going to get nothing from me. I do think he should just move on and find someone else.

why don't you offer him to go out and get it? This is abusive if you know where you stand but want to tie him down for the sake of marriage. You can still be married and let him enjoy outside the home.

Yes I have told it’s ok for him to fulfill his needs outside or he can move on and take divorce. I totally understand his side. He wants to stay in the marriage though. Things are not pretty at the moment

Divorce is expensive, the older you are the more expensive it gets as you have to split more assets, headaches launching kids, maintaining two residences and fighting about who owes who what. Unless you hate each other or at least cannot stand living together (as friends, roommates, "relatives") then it just ends up not being worth it.

Also, when you say "get it on the side" it doesn't always end up being a transactional sex worker with no strings attached. It could be another serious relationship (a younger mistress) and another set of kids, which I am sure you don't want, as you will have to share your combined networth with her. Your kids may not be happy, the tale as old as time

Meh, most young women are not looking to have kids with divorced DCUM dads in their 50s. This is a trope that is a male fantasy and not reality. It sounds like you’ve recently watched the movie Stepmom or something where the completely average man in his 50s gets a hot Julia Robert’s 20s who is interesting and can’t wait to just drop everything to raise his kids with another woman - it doesn’t happen in real life.

Agree affairs can and do happen and are messy but threatening women with this is not likely to help and it sounds like from the thread women are either OK with that or willing to risk it. There’s physical and psychological things at play that they need to address.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the exact same situation as op. 52 and don’t even want to be touched leave alone have sex. It is so repulsive. I have tried lying down and go through the motion but DH does not like that. Can’t pretend anymore it is enjoyable!!! DH is very frustrated and I do feel bad making him go through this but I am totally done. If he will be active for next 10 or 15 years, he is going to get nothing from me. I do think he should just move on and find someone else.

why don't you offer him to go out and get it? This is abusive if you know where you stand but want to tie him down for the sake of marriage. You can still be married and let him enjoy outside the home.

Yes I have told it’s ok for him to fulfill his needs outside or he can move on and take divorce. I totally understand his side. He wants to stay in the marriage though. Things are not pretty at the moment

I also want to add as a young couple, infidelity would have been a complete no no. But with decades of marriage and growing old, attachment has taken a backseat. It is what it is.

This is exactly it. There’s another thread on this topic and people are aghast and saying that couples must divorce if they’re sexually mismatched and one person goes elsewhere for a time. But why? Marriage is long and full of bonds. I would never throw that away because of sex

Good for you, PP. Most of the readers over here are jealous or bitter because their marriage didn't work out. Continue doing all the right things and whatever makes you bon stronger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the exact same situation as op. 52 and don’t even want to be touched leave alone have sex. It is so repulsive. I have tried lying down and go through the motion but DH does not like that. Can’t pretend anymore it is enjoyable!!! DH is very frustrated and I do feel bad making him go through this but I am totally done. If he will be active for next 10 or 15 years, he is going to get nothing from me. I do think he should just move on and find someone else.

why don't you offer him to go out and get it? This is abusive if you know where you stand but want to tie him down for the sake of marriage. You can still be married and let him enjoy outside the home.

Yes I have told it’s ok for him to fulfill his needs outside or he can move on and take divorce. I totally understand his side. He wants to stay in the marriage though. Things are not pretty at the moment

I also want to add as a young couple, infidelity would have been a complete no no. But with decades of marriage and growing old, attachment has taken a backseat. It is what it is.

This is exactly it. There’s another thread on this topic and people are aghast and saying that couples must divorce if they’re sexually mismatched and one person goes elsewhere for a time. But why? Marriage is long and full of bonds. I would never throw that away because of sex

I'm a DH. I agree with this, mostly. When I was young and the relationship was new, infidelity would have been an immediate deal breaker. Now, we've been together for a long, long time. I can't say how I'd react if she cheated; but I'm not at all certain it would be a deal breaker. (This is purely hypothetical - infidelity seems really unlikely from either of us.)

Same perspective here, once you are done having kids and are in middle age, I’d be much more inclined to forgive an indiscretion although I’d certainly expect the same grace to be extended to me at some future point.

[Anonymous]

"But seriously, as someone who has been dealing with the trauma of nonconsensual sex for 20 years -- if you don't want sex, you don't have to have sex. If you are willing to make yourself do it to please your spouse, that's up to you. But NO ONE is obligated to have sex they don't want. And no one is entitled to sex with someone who doesn't want it."

But at the same time, nobody is entitled to their spouse remaining happily married and faithful to you. You have to put some effort in if you want to have a healthy and worthwhile marriage.