No sex drive and dh and I argue over it constantly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s mostly ‘joke’ bickering but obviously he’s frustrated. I don’t blame him but it is just so hard to get in the mood. I’m exhausted most of the time, have headaches a lot, etc. Honestly if I found out he got it elsewhere on occasion, there’s part of me that would not care. I know he loves me and we will be together.

Anyone else navigating this issue?

Are you willing to let him have it with someone else? Otherwise it seems unfair to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s mostly ‘joke’ bickering but obviously he’s frustrated. I don’t blame him but it is just so hard to get in the mood. I’m exhausted most of the time, have headaches a lot, etc. Honestly if I found out he got it elsewhere on occasion, there’s part of me that would not care. I know he loves me and we will be together.

Anyone else navigating this issue?

Hi. Just checking back in with op.

If you don’t mind sharing, how did you end up solving this issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s mostly ‘joke’ bickering but obviously he’s frustrated. I don’t blame him but it is just so hard to get in the mood. I’m exhausted most of the time, have headaches a lot, etc. Honestly if I found out he got it elsewhere on occasion, there’s part of me that would not care. I know he loves me and we will be together.

Anyone else navigating this issue?

So very, very many of us feel the same way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s mostly ‘joke’ bickering but obviously he’s frustrated. I don’t blame him but it is just so hard to get in the mood. I’m exhausted most of the time, have headaches a lot, etc. Honestly if I found out he got it elsewhere on occasion, there’s part of me that would not care. I know he loves me and we will be together.

Anyone else navigating this issue?

I am exhausted most of the time and get horrible, horrible headaches frequently.

But I will have sex with my husband anyway as often as possible. Why? Because I love having sex. It’s not really about him, he’s overweight and a decent but not particularly talented lover. I don’t need to read smut, I have smut running in my head frequently. I don’t need to get in the mood because I’m always in the mood, and I don’t need all the chores to be done because who cares.

What I’ve realized over the years that I’ve read this forum is that I am a horny weirdo and also that if you are not having sex it is because you just don’t like having sex that much. Maybe you never really loved doing it to begin with. Maybe your husband is so crappy he turns you off. It’s supposed to be highly pleasurable and worth the effort. It’s probably a combination of hormones and your mentality. For me I use sex for coping with stress and relaxation. Orgasms often resolve a headache. But I see all of these external factors pointed out and I realize- I have all these issues and I still want sex. It’s not the headaches. It’s that you don’t want sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s mostly ‘joke’ bickering but obviously he’s frustrated. I don’t blame him but it is just so hard to get in the mood. I’m exhausted most of the time, have headaches a lot, etc. Honestly if I found out he got it elsewhere on occasion, there’s part of me that would not care. I know he loves me and we will be together.

Anyone else navigating this issue?

I am exhausted most of the time and get horrible, horrible headaches frequently.

But I will have sex with my husband anyway as often as possible. Why? Because I love having sex. It’s not really about him, he’s overweight and a decent but not particularly talented lover. I don’t need to read smut, I have smut running in my head frequently. I don’t need to get in the mood because I’m always in the mood, and I don’t need all the chores to be done because who cares.

What I’ve realized over the years that I’ve read this forum is that I am a horny weirdo and also that if you are not having sex it is because you just don’t like having sex that much. Maybe you never really loved doing it to begin with. Maybe your husband is so crappy he turns you off. It’s supposed to be highly pleasurable and worth the effort. It’s probably a combination of hormones and your mentality. For me I use sex for coping with stress and relaxation. Orgasms often resolve a headache. But I see all of these external factors pointed out and I realize- I have all these issues and I still want sex. It’s not the headaches. It’s that you don’t want sex.

So much of desire comes down to hormones. There often seems to be a resistance to acknowledging this - probably because we want to view every person as a self-determined entity rather than as some sort of slave to biology. We like "just so" stories where people in good relationships lust after one another, good partners are having a lot of sex, and it's only bad partners (and their suffering spouses) who go sexless.

But, ultimately, chemicals explain a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s mostly ‘joke’ bickering but obviously he’s frustrated. I don’t blame him but it is just so hard to get in the mood. I’m exhausted most of the time, have headaches a lot, etc. Honestly if I found out he got it elsewhere on occasion, there’s part of me that would not care. I know he loves me and we will be together.

Anyone else navigating this issue?

Hi. Just checking back in with op.

If you don’t mind sharing, how did you end up solving this issue?

Op here. I almost didn’t recognize this post as mine. It’s been awhile!

No fix unfortunately although lately dh hasn’t been in the mood as much either. I don’t think he’s cheating, but as I said, I’m not digging. He’s really affectionate and overall we are happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s mostly ‘joke’ bickering but obviously he’s frustrated. I don’t blame him but it is just so hard to get in the mood. I’m exhausted most of the time, have headaches a lot, etc. Honestly if I found out he got it elsewhere on occasion, there’s part of me that would not care. I know he loves me and we will be together.

Anyone else navigating this issue?

I am exhausted most of the time and get horrible, horrible headaches frequently.

But I will have sex with my husband anyway as often as possible. Why? Because I love having sex. It’s not really about him, he’s overweight and a decent but not particularly talented lover. I don’t need to read smut, I have smut running in my head frequently. I don’t need to get in the mood because I’m always in the mood, and I don’t need all the chores to be done because who cares.

What I’ve realized over the years that I’ve read this forum is that I am a horny weirdo and also that if you are not having sex it is because you just don’t like having sex that much. Maybe you never really loved doing it to begin with. Maybe your husband is so crappy he turns you off. It’s supposed to be highly pleasurable and worth the effort. It’s probably a combination of hormones and your mentality. For me I use sex for coping with stress and relaxation. Orgasms often resolve a headache. But I see all of these external factors pointed out and I realize- I have all these issues and I still want sex. It’s not the headaches. It’s that you don’t want sex.

Eh. Sort of dumb post.
Many women experience decreased libido in menopause and peri. Hormones. It’s not mentality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s mostly ‘joke’ bickering but obviously he’s frustrated. I don’t blame him but it is just so hard to get in the mood. I’m exhausted most of the time, have headaches a lot, etc. Honestly if I found out he got it elsewhere on occasion, there’s part of me that would not care. I know he loves me and we will be together.

Anyone else navigating this issue?

I am exhausted most of the time and get horrible, horrible headaches frequently.

But I will have sex with my husband anyway as often as possible. Why? Because I love having sex. It’s not really about him, he’s overweight and a decent but not particularly talented lover. I don’t need to read smut, I have smut running in my head frequently. I don’t need to get in the mood because I’m always in the mood, and I don’t need all the chores to be done because who cares.

What I’ve realized over the years that I’ve read this forum is that I am a horny weirdo and also that if you are not having sex it is because you just don’t like having sex that much. Maybe you never really loved doing it to begin with. Maybe your husband is so crappy he turns you off. It’s supposed to be highly pleasurable and worth the effort. It’s probably a combination of hormones and your mentality. For me I use sex for coping with stress and relaxation. Orgasms often resolve a headache. But I see all of these external factors pointed out and I realize- I have all these issues and I still want sex. It’s not the headaches. It’s that you don’t want sex.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try reading the book Come As You Are. You may be the responsive type who gets into it if you give it a chance even when you aren't initially in the mood.

DP. The problem with this is some men get mad if you start being affectionate and it does not lead to sex. My partner is like this. I've tried to explain that kissing and cuddling can sometimes lead to sex and sometimes not. But he doesn't want to do any of it UNLESS it's going to lead to sex. Since I am generally not turned on, I can't know in advance if I want sex or not. The fact he gets angry if we don't end up having sex means I'm inclined to shy away from any intimacy, since I don't know if it will lead to me wanting sex, and I don't want him to get mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s mostly ‘joke’ bickering but obviously he’s frustrated. I don’t blame him but it is just so hard to get in the mood. I’m exhausted most of the time, have headaches a lot, etc. Honestly if I found out he got it elsewhere on occasion, there’s part of me that would not care. I know he loves me and we will be together.

Anyone else navigating this issue?

I am exhausted most of the time and get horrible, horrible headaches frequently.

But I will have sex with my husband anyway as often as possible. Why? Because I love having sex. It’s not really about him, he’s overweight and a decent but not particularly talented lover. I don’t need to read smut, I have smut running in my head frequently. I don’t need to get in the mood because I’m always in the mood, and I don’t need all the chores to be done because who cares.

What I’ve realized over the years that I’ve read this forum is that I am a horny weirdo and also that if you are not having sex it is because you just don’t like having sex that much. Maybe you never really loved doing it to begin with. Maybe your husband is so crappy he turns you off. It’s supposed to be highly pleasurable and worth the effort. It’s probably a combination of hormones and your mentality. For me I use sex for coping with stress and relaxation. Orgasms often resolve a headache. But I see all of these external factors pointed out and I realize- I have all these issues and I still want sex. It’s not the headaches. It’s that you don’t want sex.

So much of desire comes down to hormones. There often seems to be a resistance to acknowledging this - probably because we want to view every person as a self-determined entity rather than as some sort of slave to biology. We like "just so" stories where people in good relationships lust after one another, good partners are having a lot of sex, and it's only bad partners (and their suffering spouses) who go sexless.

But, ultimately, chemicals explain a lot.

+100000

[Anonymous]

So, as we age, we lose the ability to have babies. There is a reason for this. It's because our bodies are aging and no longer healthy enough to carry healthy babies to term and care for them until they grow up. This is Mother Nature.

So, as a result, most of us don't desire sex as much around and after menopause. This is NORMAL. And I am sick of women being pressured into feeling guilty and like there is something wrong with them that "needs" to be medically treated when it's NORMAL for us to be losing our libidos.

[Anonymous]

I realized that I miss the feeling of having fun and letting loose. That was an important part of getting in the mood for me - not the physical affection per se, but the having fun with my husband. Anything we can do on the couch after the kids go to bed just doesn't cut it the same way.

I like it when we have the chance to go out, which isn't often because our sitters are both expensive and have been unreliable this fall. But if we go out with friends, it's such a rare occasion for DH as well that he gets excited, drinks too much, and then wants to make up for it on a weekday when I am really NOT in the mood anymore. Sigh.

I tell myself I'm only a couple years from the oldest being able to babysit for a couple hours, and then the world will open up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s mostly ‘joke’ bickering but obviously he’s frustrated. I don’t blame him but it is just so hard to get in the mood. I’m exhausted most of the time, have headaches a lot, etc. Honestly if I found out he got it elsewhere on occasion, there’s part of me that would not care. I know he loves me and we will be together.

Anyone else navigating this issue?

I am exhausted most of the time and get horrible, horrible headaches frequently.

But I will have sex with my husband anyway as often as possible. Why? Because I love having sex. It’s not really about him, he’s overweight and a decent but not particularly talented lover. I don’t need to read smut, I have smut running in my head frequently. I don’t need to get in the mood because I’m always in the mood, and I don’t need all the chores to be done because who cares.

What I’ve realized over the years that I’ve read this forum is that I am a horny weirdo and also that if you are not having sex it is because you just don’t like having sex that much. Maybe you never really loved doing it to begin with. Maybe your husband is so crappy he turns you off. It’s supposed to be highly pleasurable and worth the effort. It’s probably a combination of hormones and your mentality. For me I use sex for coping with stress and relaxation. Orgasms often resolve a headache. But I see all of these external factors pointed out and I realize- I have all these issues and I still want sex. It’s not the headaches. It’s that you don’t want sex.

Eh. Sort of dumb post.
Many women experience decreased libido in menopause and peri. Hormones. It’s not mentality.

PP you are responding to and I have been going through perimenopause for a few years and I do think it is both hormones and mentality/environment, let's say. Sometimes I do not physically want sex as much as I used to but I initiate with my husband anyway or I respond to his advances because I know it will ultimately feel good. This is probably related to how much I want sex in other times of my cycle. I also don't think I would respond well if my husband were like the man who wants sex every time his wife shows affection. That guy would turn anybody off. But my husband also doesn't act desperate for sex because he's getting lots of sex. So who knows? I think it all matters but ultimately you can't really make yourself want to have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try reading the book Come As You Are. You may be the responsive type who gets into it if you give it a chance even when you aren't initially in the mood.

DP. The problem with this is some men get mad if you start being affectionate and it does not lead to sex. My partner is like this. I've tried to explain that kissing and cuddling can sometimes lead to sex and sometimes not. But he doesn't want to do any of it UNLESS it's going to lead to sex. Since I am generally not turned on, I can't know in advance if I want sex or not. The fact he gets angry if we don't end up having sex means I'm inclined to shy away from any intimacy, since I don't know if it will lead to me wanting sex, and I don't want him to get mad.

A lot of these men are sex starved. I'm not talking about the guys who are having sex every week but think it needs to be twice a day. Guys going months at a time. Being affectionate and cuddly with these guys and then not wanting sex is like dangling a steak just out of reach of a starving dog. It's really much easier if sex is completely off the table.

I guess there's a chicken & egg problem. Long-term, these guys would probably be happier if there was cuddling and affection and more sex even if some times the cuddling and affection doesn't lead to sex. There has to be a level of trust that this isn't just a bit of extra cruelty he has to endure.

Meanwhile, a woman who is not often in the mood but is willing to try seeing if she can generate some responsive desire isn't going to want to even try if she can't bail when she's not feeling it. Having to deal with an extra-disgruntled husband is going to put her further out of the mood - if not outright afraid of the guy.

It's a tough nut to crack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I waited until I was in the mood we’d probably have sex three times a month. I have sex with my husband 2-3 times a week because he loves it and would literally have sex 2-3 times a day.

He does a lot for me. It’s really the least I can do (and I usually end up enjoying it anyway).

So this thread is not for you. It's not right to encourage women who REALLY don't want sex into having sex, just "to preserve the relationship", or some other sense of obligation. Sex is not like making a nice meal, or buying a surprise gift, etc. It's invasive and physical, and when you're not in the mood, it can hurt and feel really wrong, in a way that no lubricant can ever compensate for.

I disagree. I’m not in the mood a lot of the time but have the mentality of wanting to please my husband and do something for him that only I can provide. I think there should be a mental reset because guess what, they’re doing a lot they don’t want to also. That’s marriage. Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?

I 100% agree. If it were up to me, I'd never have sex again. (I'm 60.) DH still wants to. So we have sex once a week or so. I use vaginal estrogen 2x/week and we use lots of lubricant. I also occasionally read some smut beforehand, which helps. Sometimes it's even enjoyable once we get started. Other times, well, whatever.

This might not be a viable option for women who have sexual trauma in their pasts, but maybe others might find it helpful.