Don’t want to host nephew for the summer

[Anonymous]

I cannot imagine that your family will ever welcome you again when you say no. Saying no is going to change those relationships forever.

And I think you’re being horribly selfish and, even worse, that you are intentionally trying to sabotage your nephew because you don’t like him and think he needs to be knocked down because he was arrogant once. I cannot imagine being such an awful person.

[Anonymous]

The OP is under no obligation to take in her nephew for the summer. It has nothing to do with him being considered a bully. It’s a huge ask and something the parents should have thought about before letting the kid apply. Their failure to plan doesn’t make you obligated to take this on. Anyone suggesting you have to do it basically is suggesting that the kids needs are more important than your family’s.

I’m a lawyer. There is no high school internship at a law firm that is going to lead to a college scholarship. Totally absurd. I worked as an office assistant at a law firm in college. I was ordering supplies, making copies, filing documents at the courthouse, and running other errands for lawyers. I made great connections but no one is doing legal related work at that age.

[Anonymous]

You're all considering having a 16 year old live by himself for the summer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can afford to pay the rent then just offer that. Its a rock and a hard spot otherwise because obviously you need to prioritize your kids. But, if your nephew is working at a law firm maybe he'll work pretty long hours? He might not be around much. He might also mellow a bit with some gentle redirection like "that's lovely you got an A. we're proud of Larlo's hard work too. We're proud of both of you." And then talk about other things, and SHOW this kid that he is more than his grades to you.

It's tough being poor. On some level your nephew probably knows that if he isn't super successful at school he won't have the opportunities other kids (like yours) will have. Maybe that is why he's always talking about it? Maybe he feels subconsciously like he always has to be super smart otherwise he won't be accepted?

Rethinking this after someone pointed out the kid is 16. No 16 year old should be renting a room by themselves. Just host your nephew but its your house your rules. You don't have to tolerate rudeness, but you can help a child (even a teen) learn.

+1

Can’t you host your nephew but have strict behavior stipulations and also say if he doesn’t comply, you’ll kick him out?

And he sounds like an annoying teen but not a bully. Do you have other examples of his behavior?

I think maybe you secretly resent that the really poor kid actually is smart and got an impressive opportunity that your kids didn’t?

He is poor and needs opportunities. He found a great one and you’re not willing to help at all.

I’m not trying to pile on here, but with the facts presented you sound petty and cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP is under no obligation to take in her nephew for the summer. It has nothing to do with him being considered a bully. It’s a huge ask and something the parents should have thought about before letting the kid apply. Their failure to plan doesn’t make you obligated to take this on. Anyone suggesting you have to do it basically is suggesting that the kids needs are more important than your family’s.

I’m a lawyer. There is no high school internship at a law firm that is going to lead to a college scholarship. Totally absurd. I worked as an office assistant at a law firm in college. I was ordering supplies, making copies, filing documents at the courthouse, and running other errands for lawyers. I made great connections but no one is doing legal related work at that age.

It’s not a golden ticket, but it’s a valuable experience. Summer work experience + being exposed to white collar norms would be invaluable to the kid.

And we don’t care that you’re a lawyer. Plenty of us are.

[Anonymous]

I can understand not wanting to do this, but you will probably damage your relationship with your family forever if you say no. They will never look at you the same way again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're all considering having a 16 year old live by himself for the summer?

His parents are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not great for a 16 yo to be in a different city "renting" on their own, even with a friend. Your friend isn't family. I get you don't want to do this. Just know that it will always be remembered that you didn't. If you don't care about being that person, then hold firm.

+1
Unfortunately this is true.

I cannot stand kids like you describe him to be. TJ is full of them - it must be a prerequisite to get in there. My kid left the school because of that arrogant academic behavior. So I get it.

You need to have a very direct conversation with your sibling about appropriate/respectful behavior. You are in the position to really change his life. He needs these social skills IRL also and now he has the opportunity to learn and practice them along side your kids. This could be the conversation that you have when he displays the behavior "Nephew, it seems like you are very responsible and bright- clearly this is a gift that comes naturally.
We all have gifts and areas for growth. It looks like your growth area might be reading emotions and having an appropriate social response.
How do you think Larlo feels when you say XX?"

On the other hand, you are absolutely not obligated. You are the one holding the power card here. You can say no, and that comes with social consequences for you within your family. If you are ok with that (I'm not), then you can just flatly refuse.

Personally, knowing this, I would do it. I also would not hesitate to call him out and correct his bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you described was bullying behavior.

Let me explain-
When you crap all over someone else's success to on up yourself - it's bullying.

Here's the idiomatic expression that goes with it "He cuts the heads off those around him to make himself look taller."

Someone here lacks social skills.

[Anonymous]

The grandparents should not have offered up your place.
Since the program has lodging, he should do that and your mother should pay for it, if they are so concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you described was bullying behavior.

Let me explain-
When you crap all over someone else's success to on up yourself - it's bullying.

Here's the idiomatic expression that goes with it "He cuts the heads off those around him to make himself look taller."

Someone here lacks social skills.

Being a jerk is not bullying. It's not excusable behavior, but words mean things.

-DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not great for a 16 yo to be in a different city "renting" on their own, even with a friend. Your friend isn't family. I get you don't want to do this. Just know that it will always be remembered that you didn't. If you don't care about being that person, then hold firm.

+1
Unfortunately this is true.

I cannot stand kids like you describe him to be. TJ is full of them - it must be a prerequisite to get in there. My kid left the school because of that arrogant academic behavior. So I get it.

You need to have a very direct conversation with your sibling about appropriate/respectful behavior. You are in the position to really change his life. He needs these social skills IRL also and now he has the opportunity to learn and practice them along side your kids. This could be the conversation that you have when he displays the behavior "Nephew, it seems like you are very responsible and bright- clearly this is a gift that comes naturally.
We all have gifts and areas for growth. It looks like your growth area might be reading emotions and having an appropriate social response.
How do you think Larlo feels when you say XX?"

On the other hand, you are absolutely not obligated. You are the one holding the power card here. You can say no, and that comes with social consequences for you within your family. If you are ok with that (I'm not), then you can just flatly refuse.

Personally, knowing this, I would do it. I also would not hesitate to call him out and correct his bad behavior.

Agree with all of this. And I have a very deeply dysfunctional family and have spent years learning how to set boundaries. I would absolutely host this kid for a life-changing opportunity, and I would also learn how to set boundaries around his conversations so that he isn't damaging to your kids. maybe even talk to a therapist about what kind of language to use to do this. Contrary to what social media is leading us to believe, therapists are actually very good at helping you set reasonable boundaries in order to KEEP RELATIONSHIPS.

You can do this, OP. You will live to regret saying no, because it will damage your relationship with your entire family, and this is a solvable problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are being selfish!

It sounds like the kid is just a mildly annoying teenager and not some danger to your kid or family. And, even though he may be full of himself, he sounds very responsible.

You have the spare room and it’s during the summer. It’s sounds like a potentially life changing opportunity for him.

In my family, my mother let her sister and sisters DC live with us for a year so she could finish her degree. And, my aunt and her DC definitely had a ton of annoying behaviors (although nothing dangerous).

You sound like you hate your family.

It’s not selfish to want your own, immediate family to have a fun and peaceful summer. That’s the point of summer. It’s fine to focus on your own family and wish your extended family well. Sounds like the nephew is deliberately a jerk, so more like HE hates HIS family, if you want to go there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not selfish. Your kids come first. FYI, I have worked in law firms my entire adult life and there are none that have ever hired a HS intern. He wouldn't be able to do much more than make copies, scans and deliver mail to employees. No 16 yr old would be trusted to do anything related to clients, they don't know how to research properly and it's not a good investment of time to teach them just for a summer.

Nobody in your family has ANY proof that this kid doing this internship would lead to a college scholarship. And he can get into law school based on his college GPA and LSAT scores - nobody will care about his summer job in HS by that time.

OP here: Maybe internship is not the best description. It’s a program associated with a legal organization that allows high schoolers to ”intern” at private legal practices. My understanding is that it’s primarily doing pretty basic tasks and shadowing lawyers, with some educational elements. The organization that organizes the program offers a couple scholarships for graduates of the program. They offer housing, but from my understanding is that housing is too expensive for my sibling’s family - thus looking for other housing.

Why not just pay for that housing, then?

It does sound a bit pay to play.

I agree that paying for that housing makes the most sense. Assuming the program is legit, one of the benefits will be his making friends with the other kids in the program, so facilitating that makes the most sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m actually really surprised at all the people calling op selfish.

What if op has plans to leave for several weeks this summer? Does the boy then stay home alone in her house, fending for himself?

There are so many scenarios that come up and shouldn’t be OPs responsibility. Why did the parents let him apply for this internship without considering housing?

I wouldn't be surprised if it's one or two people who keep coming back to erroneously call OP selfish for having boundaries. You can tell a lot about a person by how they react to boundaries and someone (maybe a few people) on here are very triggered by a stranger setting them with her own family.