Don’t want to host nephew for the summer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s a child. I would never say no to a niece or nephew

+1

+2 Americans have so little regard for family, it’s crazy.

Yeah, I honestly don't get it and I'm American! The people suggesting OP foot the bill for him to stay elsewhere on his own, what? He's SIXTEEN.

Anyway, I get that it's an annoyance but it seems like a trivial one to suck up for family. Anyway, I hope OP never needs anything from her family one day. Don't think anyone will come running.

I don't think this person is American, as in, several generations. The grammar is bad. The dynamics are too similar to SE Asian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is NOT an American thing. I’m American and I can’t relate to OP’s position at all.

I'm American and if someone in my family wanted a cousin to stay with a family far from home, it would be done, but that 16 yr old would have to live under the rules and punishments of the house they're staying in. And they'd be told in no uncertain terms to quit. the bragging and such.

[Anonymous]

We’ve had two college age cousins stay in our basement room for the summer when we had small kids. I couldn’t imagine not hosting a nephew. If he said conceited things, we would call it out, probably in a playful/ribbing way. American here.

[Anonymous]

OP, what did you decide to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would invite him and EDUCATE him on his responses and general attitude. It's critical that he change, because otherwise he will be hated at work, and he won't be able to stay in relationships. You can tell him outright that you did not appreciate how he talked last time, and that you are happy to welcome him again, but that he needs to be careful not to hurt feelings like this.

Also, why are your nephew's parents not talking with you directly?

This is exactly what I was thinking. Take it as an opportunity to give him some tough love. Also, what kind of law firm offers 16 year olds internships where they DON'T live? That sounds weird and risky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not selfish. Your kids come first. FYI, I have worked in law firms my entire adult life and there are none that have ever hired a HS intern. He wouldn't be able to do much more than make copies, scans and deliver mail to employees. No 16 yr old would be trusted to do anything related to clients, they don't know how to research properly and it's not a good investment of time to teach them just for a summer.

Nobody in your family has ANY proof that this kid doing this internship would lead to a college scholarship. And he can get into law school based on his college GPA and LSAT scores - nobody will care about his summer job in HS by that time.

OP here: Maybe internship is not the best description. It’s a program associated with a legal organization that allows high schoolers to ”intern” at private legal practices. My understanding is that it’s primarily doing pretty basic tasks and shadowing lawyers, with some educational elements. The organization that organizes the program offers a couple scholarships for graduates of the program. They offer housing, but from my understanding is that housing is too expensive for my sibling’s family - thus looking for other housing.

Then you pay for the housing provided or offer to pay for an AirBnB for kid + your mom/ sibling. A 16-year-old shouldn't live in a basement!

My parents died when I was young and we then lived with an aunt who never married. She always had to work and we were the "poorest" of the family.
My other aunts and uncles had means ($) and lived close, but did not do much for us. They gave their own children literally everything including college counseling, internship advice, called their friends to get their kids jobs after college, etc. My grandparents helped how they could, but support from my aunts/uncles who knew how it all worked would have been appreciated. I asked and was basically told it wasn't their problem.

I am successful now all on my own. My sibling who is brilliant, super wiz kid, had issues because we didn't know "the game." If she had received a little advice when she asked for it, she could have soared (I know this as a friend is a Dean of Admissions at an Ivy). He will remember how you treated him. I can say first-hand one particular family member was jealous of how brilliant my sibling was and did all they could to tear that down in favor of their own kids.

Now, these aunts and uncles need help from my spouse and me. They get what they gave which is nothing. You don't have to house him if you don't want, but if you have the means pay for the housing with this program. It would be a kindness, he won't forget it, and invite him over for dinner/brunch once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really surprised how many people think OP should do this. This is a 16 year old kid. I'm assuming OP must have changed the details b/c I seriously can't imagine any law firm giving a 16 year old any kind of meaningful internship- at most they would be working as a legal secretary (and even that is probably a stretch.) A 16 year old can't be left alone for a week if the family wants to go on vacation. A 16 year old doesn't cook for themselves. A 16 year old needs transportation. I would feel differently if CPS had called and asked the family to take the 16 year old in so he didn't go to foster care. But the way this situation is presented OP is being asked to take in a child, who will significantly impact their family life, just b/c the kid wants to do something that is objectively of little value.

It's a troll who keeps getting fed. Has OP come back? No reputable law firm has 16-year-old interns. Do you think LAWYERS want the liability of a teenager accidentally finding out confidential information about a client, let alone having a teen driver in their lot with all their fancy cars all summer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not selfish. Your kids come first. FYI, I have worked in law firms my entire adult life and there are none that have ever hired a HS intern. He wouldn't be able to do much more than make copies, scans and deliver mail to employees. No 16 yr old would be trusted to do anything related to clients, they don't know how to research properly and it's not a good investment of time to teach them just for a summer.

Nobody in your family has ANY proof that this kid doing this internship would lead to a college scholarship. And he can get into law school based on his college GPA and LSAT scores - nobody will care about his summer job in HS by that time.

OP here: Maybe internship is not the best description. It’s a program associated with a legal organization that allows high schoolers to ”intern” at private legal practices. My understanding is that it’s primarily doing pretty basic tasks and shadowing lawyers, with some educational elements. The organization that organizes the program offers a couple scholarships for graduates of the program. They offer housing, but from my understanding is that housing is too expensive for my sibling’s family - thus looking for other housing.

Then you pay for the housing provided or offer to pay for an AirBnB for kid + your mom/ sibling. A 16-year-old shouldn't live in a basement!

My parents died when I was young and we then lived with an aunt who never married. She always had to work and we were the "poorest" of the family.
My other aunts and uncles had means ($) and lived close, but did not do much for us. They gave their own children literally everything including college counseling, internship advice, called their friends to get their kids jobs after college, etc. My grandparents helped how they could, but support from my aunts/uncles who knew how it all worked would have been appreciated. I asked and was basically told it wasn't their problem.

I am successful now all on my own. My sibling who is brilliant, super wiz kid, had issues because we didn't know "the game." If she had received a little advice when she asked for it, she could have soared (I know this as a friend is a Dean of Admissions at an Ivy). He will remember how you treated him. I can say first-hand one particular family member was jealous of how brilliant my sibling was and did all they could to tear that down in favor of their own kids.

Now, these aunts and uncles need help from my spouse and me. They get what they gave which is nothing. You don't have to house him if you don't want, but if you have the means pay for the housing with this program. It would be a kindness, he won't forget it, and invite him over for dinner/brunch once a week.

PP, here is the major difference between you and OP's nephew: you were orphans. To mistreat an orphan is not only shitty, it's against God's teachings. What your relatives did to you is just disgusting. In OP's case, the kid has parents who refuse to parent him and instead unload him on others. It is not OP's job to educate him at the expense of her own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not selfish. Your kids come first. FYI, I have worked in law firms my entire adult life and there are none that have ever hired a HS intern. He wouldn't be able to do much more than make copies, scans and deliver mail to employees. No 16 yr old would be trusted to do anything related to clients, they don't know how to research properly and it's not a good investment of time to teach them just for a summer.

Nobody in your family has ANY proof that this kid doing this internship would lead to a college scholarship. And he can get into law school based on his college GPA and LSAT scores - nobody will care about his summer job in HS by that time.

OP here: Maybe internship is not the best description. It’s a program associated with a legal organization that allows high schoolers to ”intern” at private legal practices. My understanding is that it’s primarily doing pretty basic tasks and shadowing lawyers, with some educational elements. The organization that organizes the program offers a couple scholarships for graduates of the program. They offer housing, but from my understanding is that housing is too expensive for my sibling’s family - thus looking for other housing.

Then you pay for the housing provided or offer to pay for an AirBnB for kid + your mom/ sibling. A 16-year-old shouldn't live in a basement!

My parents died when I was young and we then lived with an aunt who never married. She always had to work and we were the "poorest" of the family.
My other aunts and uncles had means ($) and lived close, but did not do much for us. They gave their own children literally everything including college counseling, internship advice, called their friends to get their kids jobs after college, etc. My grandparents helped how they could, but support from my aunts/uncles who knew how it all worked would have been appreciated. I asked and was basically told it wasn't their problem.

I am successful now all on my own. My sibling who is brilliant, super wiz kid, had issues because we didn't know "the game." If she had received a little advice when she asked for it, she could have soared (I know this as a friend is a Dean of Admissions at an Ivy). He will remember how you treated him. I can say first-hand one particular family member was jealous of how brilliant my sibling was and did all they could to tear that down in favor of their own kids.

Now, these aunts and uncles need help from my spouse and me. They get what they gave which is nothing. You don't have to house him if you don't want, but if you have the means pay for the housing with this program. It would be a kindness, he won't forget it, and invite him over for dinner/brunch once a week.

PP, here is the major difference between you and OP's nephew: you were orphans. To mistreat an orphan is not only shitty, it's against God's teachings. What your relatives did to you is just disgusting. In OP's case, the kid has parents who refuse to parent him and instead unload him on others. It is not OP's job to educate him at the expense of her own children.

+1 yes, a major difference

[Anonymous]

You should let him. What comes around goes around. He is family. Who knows one day when you may need your family to be there for you for something.

[Anonymous]

Ask Gene Hackman's family.
Not all families are there for anybody other than immediate family. If that.

[Anonymous]

Full stop. Protect your kid. You said he's a bully. Just say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should let him. What comes around goes around. He is family. Who knows one day when you may need your family to be there for you for something.

Assuming people will do for you just because you did for them is such a childish belief. It wouldn't be surprising if nephew completely took for granted the kindness if op did host him. It happens all the time. Assumptions can create a bad situation.

I would consider it based on my relationship with my sibling. I have a sibling who constantly tried to get me to pay for things for his kids. He was not poor. He worked for a large blue chip company his whole life and never had to worry about losing a job. He was well paid but spent every penny he made. I found out after one of my siblings died that he guilted that sibling into funding one of his adult children. Some people have a grifter gene and look to get others to pay for things just because. If I had a hint of that I would say no once and not discuss it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should let him. What comes around goes around. He is family. Who knows one day when you may need your family to be there for you for something.

That doesn't mean anything.

People who do this kind of thing often are expected to extend their time and money to others again and again just because.

They often get no consideration when they go through hard times.

[Anonymous]

Tell them you unfortunately will be not able ti host him. End of story.