Waiting 30+ to have kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many do you want?

Maybe 2. No more than 3. 30 isn’t hard set, but we are just not ready. I would like to wait at least 2 more years before trying.

IMO you won't feel physically different being pregnant at 27/28 or 29/30 - and that may be true until your mid-30's. I think it's harder after your mid-30's.

I'd try before you feel fully ready and if you aren't pregnant in 6 months insist on checking your levels.

I agree with this. I don't know about early 30s, but I had my first at 36 and second at 38 and those two years made a huge difference in how I felt pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married at 26/27 after 1 year of dating and 1 year of engagement.

We had our child when I was 40.

We had a 12 year honeymoon of international travel, parties, fine dining, devoting ourselves in our dream careers. We also bought a house and established ourselves financially.

My DH also was able to do an ivy league fellowship fir a graduate degree.

We had some help with fertility but I ended up conceiving naturally.

Our timeline worked great for us.

Friends who had kids young divorced. Someone told me to put it off, because once you have kids, it's 20 years of sacrificing your own goals.

I had had a rough childhood and wanted love, fun, pleasure and travel. So waiting worked for us.

We had a 3rd at 40 and I worry about how little time they will have with us. I hope you at least gave your child a sibling?

My mom was 43 when my sister was born and my parents are still around over 30 years later. Whereas my grandma had my mom young and was gone from cancer when my mom was 20, younger than when my mom had my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had our first at 28/29. Have 3 kids now (ages range between 7 and 14) and we’re 42/43. It hasn’t been perfect for us, but it has been wonderful. If I could go back I would have done it earlier and had more.

Just our experience.

I have a 14 year old and 42 is on the way low end of people I know with 14 year olds maybe because my 14 year olds friends are not the oldest?

I know exactly what you mean. Our kids go to the “fancy” private schools referred to earlier in the thread (which filters for cost which means more parents will be older to be able to afford that price point). Showing up to parent meetings there was a real generational divide when it was just our oldest. We both are baby faced and DH was once asked if he was a big brother. For the most part, we struggled to connect with the parents of our oldest child, although we ended up really bonding as a family with another family with three kids right on top of our children’s ages and the parents there are actually a year younger than us. We travel a lot with that family.

It is much better with our 11 year old though we can still feel slightly young around his cohort’s parents (seems to skew more Gen X). With our third it feels like we’re right inline with her classmate’s parents, but her friends are typically earlier in birth order.

We do have friends our age where DHs went to professional school together, lost touch and then reconnected when our second child became best friends with their third child through school and our third child is in the same grade as their fifth child. They have a honeymoon baby …. who is currently a senior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We married at 26/27 after 1 year of dating and 1 year of engagement.

We had our child when I was 40.

We had a 12 year honeymoon of international travel, parties, fine dining, devoting ourselves in our dream careers. We also bought a house and established ourselves financially.

My DH also was able to do an ivy league fellowship fir a graduate degree.

We had some help with fertility but I ended up conceiving naturally.

Our timeline worked great for us.

Friends who had kids young divorced. Someone told me to put it off, because once you have kids, it's 20 years of sacrificing your own goals.

I had had a rough childhood and wanted love, fun, pleasure and travel. So waiting worked for us.

We had a 3rd at 40 and I worry about how little time they will have with us. I hope you at least gave your child a sibling?

My mom was 43 when my sister was born and my parents are still around over 30 years later. Whereas my grandma had my mom young and was gone from cancer when my mom was 20, younger than when my mom had my sister.

Your personal experience is not statistically significant. Life expectancy is 80 for women - yeah some people die young, other older. Your personal experience won't impact OP

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who needed IVF at 30. She deeply regrets waiting until 30 because IVF set them back financially. I had kids at 35 and 38. Got pregnant very easily. You won’t know where you are on the fertility spectrum by looking at your family history because so many of our mothers and grandmothers had children early. The only way to be sure is to get your fertility tested. It doesn’t give you a solid timeline, but it will let you know if you’re already having problems.

[Anonymous]

I was finished with having 3 kids by 27 (had them at 19, 24, 27). Obviously the one at 19 was an "oopsie", but it's worked out perfectly and can't imagine it any other way at this point. Owned a 5 bedroom house in a nice suburb at 26 and was able to be a SAHM for several years. I have a master's degree, a great job with flexibility, kids active in multiple travel sports that cost me in excess of $50k/yr.

So that comment about people being in a lower class when they have kids young is quite laughable. You're probably jealous you didn't have the means to be able to afford a child before 40.

Now my friends I went to high school/college with are dealing with diapers and sleepless nights at 40+, and then gonna be dealing with back to school nights and playdates in their 40's-50s, and paying off college in their 60's. F that. I can do whatever I want because my kids are old enough to take care of themselves now and I'm only 40. That's another 40ish years of life I have to enjoy with my kids and do what I please, when I please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was finished with having 3 kids by 27 (had them at 19, 24, 27). Obviously the one at 19 was an "oopsie", but it's worked out perfectly and can't imagine it any other way at this point. Owned a 5 bedroom house in a nice suburb at 26 and was able to be a SAHM for several years. I have a master's degree, a great job with flexibility, kids active in multiple travel sports that cost me in excess of $50k/yr.

So that comment about people being in a lower class when they have kids young is quite laughable. You're probably jealous you didn't have the means to be able to afford a child before 40.

Now my friends I went to high school/college with are dealing with diapers and sleepless nights at 40+, and then gonna be dealing with back to school nights and playdates in their 40's-50s, and paying off college in their 60's. F that. I can do whatever I want because my kids are old enough to take care of themselves now and I'm only 40. That's another 40ish years of life I have to enjoy with my kids and do what I please, when I please.

Oh, also I'm not gonna be 70 before I get a grandchild so I'll also be able to enjoy my grandkids when I'm young. I am encouraging my kids to have them sooner rather than later as well, and I'll be able to help them with whatever they need to be able to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend who needed IVF at 30. She deeply regrets waiting until 30 because IVF set them back financially. I had kids at 35 and 38. Got pregnant very easily. You won’t know where you are on the fertility spectrum by looking at your family history because so many of our mothers and grandmothers had children early. The only way to be sure is to get your fertility tested. It doesn’t give you a solid timeline, but it will let you know if you’re already having problems.

This. A lot of people simplistically think fertility is just a function of age and it's just one factor. I conceived a healthy baby on the first try at 36. My sister spent two years in fertility treatments to have her second when she was just 28. And that's within the same family.

Also people always forget that ability to conceive is half-dictated by male fertility. Everyone fixates on maternal age but paternal age matters, and men can also have fertility issues at any age.

All of this should be obvious but people still talk about fertility as though it's just a function of how old the mom is and nothing else, despite copious evidence to the contrary. Women have been having kids in their late 30s and 40s for hundreds of years! Even when life expectancy was much lower. Prior to birth control and women having actual rights and independence, it was not at all uncommon for a woman to have a child at this age (though way more likely for her to die in childbirth or for the child not to survive -- pregnancy at older ages carries higher risks for all involved, but we've also come a long way with that and women tend to be much healthier and receive far better prenatal care now).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was finished with having 3 kids by 27 (had them at 19, 24, 27). Obviously the one at 19 was an "oopsie", but it's worked out perfectly and can't imagine it any other way at this point. Owned a 5 bedroom house in a nice suburb at 26 and was able to be a SAHM for several years. I have a master's degree, a great job with flexibility, kids active in multiple travel sports that cost me in excess of $50k/yr.

So that comment about people being in a lower class when they have kids young is quite laughable. You're probably jealous you didn't have the means to be able to afford a child before 40.

Now my friends I went to high school/college with are dealing with diapers and sleepless nights at 40+, and then gonna be dealing with back to school nights and playdates in their 40's-50s, and paying off college in their 60's. F that. I can do whatever I want because my kids are old enough to take care of themselves now and I'm only 40. That's another 40ish years of life I have to enjoy with my kids and do what I please, when I please.

Oh, also I'm not gonna be 70 before I get a grandchild so I'll also be able to enjoy my grandkids when I'm young. I am encouraging my kids to have them sooner rather than later as well, and I'll be able to help them with whatever they need to be able to do that.

Well you seem super insecure and insufferable so even if your kids give you grandkids when you're in your 50s, odds are good they'll be steering clear of judgy Grandma who just wants to tell them all what a genius she was for getting knocked up at 19. But enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was finished with having 3 kids by 27 (had them at 19, 24, 27). Obviously the one at 19 was an "oopsie", but it's worked out perfectly and can't imagine it any other way at this point. Owned a 5 bedroom house in a nice suburb at 26 and was able to be a SAHM for several years. I have a master's degree, a great job with flexibility, kids active in multiple travel sports that cost me in excess of $50k/yr.

So that comment about people being in a lower class when they have kids young is quite laughable. You're probably jealous you didn't have the means to be able to afford a child before 40.

Now my friends I went to high school/college with are dealing with diapers and sleepless nights at 40+, and then gonna be dealing with back to school nights and playdates in their 40's-50s, and paying off college in their 60's. F that. I can do whatever I want because my kids are old enough to take care of themselves now and I'm only 40. That's another 40ish years of life I have to enjoy with my kids and do what I please, when I please.

Oopsie baby takes you out of the running as anyone to take advice from.

We loved dealing with infants as actual adults, not teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had our first at 28/29. Have 3 kids now (ages range between 7 and 14) and we’re 42/43. It hasn’t been perfect for us, but it has been wonderful. If I could go back I would have done it earlier and had more.

Just our experience.

I have a 14 year old and 42 is on the way low end of people I know with 14 year olds maybe because my 14 year olds friends are not the oldest?

I know exactly what you mean. Our kids go to the “fancy” private schools referred to earlier in the thread (which filters for cost which means more parents will be older to be able to afford that price point). Showing up to parent meetings there was a real generational divide when it was just our oldest. We both are baby faced and DH was once asked if he was a big brother. For the most part, we struggled to connect with the parents of our oldest child, although we ended up really bonding as a family with another family with three kids right on top of our children’s ages and the parents there are actually a year younger than us. We travel a lot with that family.

It is much better with our 11 year old though we can still feel slightly young around his cohort’s parents (seems to skew more Gen X). With our third it feels like we’re right inline with her classmate’s parents, but her friends are typically earlier in birth order.

We do have friends our age where DHs went to professional school together, lost touch and then reconnected when our second child became best friends with their third child through school and our third child is in the same grade as their fifth child. They have a honeymoon baby …. who is currently a senior.

I am 47. My oldest is 13. My youngest is 10. I feel the same age as everyone I know.

[Anonymous]

I had 3 kids when I was 35-41.
If I were you OP I’d examine the reason you don’t want to have kids now. It may be the the same reason you won’t want kids after age 30.
No judgement here. Kids are a lot of work.
FYI I also had 2 miscarriages in my 30s.

[Anonymous]

I seriously don't know many people who had kids before 30. We had ours at 34 and 38.

[Anonymous]

We had ours when I was 30 and 32. I'm happy with that; I turn 50 this year and will have an empty nest when I'm 51.

One thing you may want to consider is that younger grandparents are better able to help out with the grandkids. When our kids were young we were able to leave them with my parents for 2-3 weeks in the summer. If we'd had them 5 or 10 years later, I'm not sure my parents would have been as willing/able to do that.

[Anonymous]

Do what you are ready for. Don't listen to other people.

My experience. I also waited till I was 32. Got house, good jobs, etc. Save enough so I could stay at home for first 3 years, etc.

Then, reality. I had trouble getting pregnant. Unexplained infertility, UIU, then IVF. Finally got pregnant after many cycles and miscarriages at 38. Tried for 2nd one. Miscarriages and, etc. Finally got pregnant with 2nd one at 41. They are both happy and healthy teens now. It was a journey.

I would have had one more but it was getting too old. The emotional toll and expenses were a challenge.

In my situation, I wish I started earlier and not waited till everything was ready. I never expected to have fertility issues. I was healthy, exercised, normal weight, regular periods, etc. Who knew!

Good luck to you.