Are there ramifications for being a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family consists of husband, mom( me), toddler, and newborn. I had a great situation with my first - 16 weeks mat leave + ability to work PT until 6 months. I’m now at a new company and will only have 12 weeks mat leave + no option to scale back on work. I’ve been contemplating quitting my job to stay him for the next several years but the idea is worrisome. I full trust my husband, but I’ve never been financially dependent on anyone. My other concerns are being out of work too long, the economy, and becoming less of myself. We have been fortunate enough to live off my husband’s salary, while stocking mine away for a situation just like this one. What have you done? As a woman, did you feel secure enough to be provided for by your husband?

Yes I am extremely happy and fulfilled being a SAHM with adult children. My DH is 5 years from retirement.

Here is my own life experience and opinion -
- You have to keep the big picture in mind at all times.
- You have to trust your DH 200%
- You have to be financially protected for all situations
- You have to marry a loyal and honest person
- You have to have a solid marriage
- The family has to be without baggage and remain functional and united
- You have to be essential and valued
- You have to be frugal
- You have to be wise, skilled and empowered to make decisions and spend money
- You have to orchestrate the big wins for your family
- Your kids have to thrive and excel. Your DH has to thrive and excel. Your extended family has to thrive and excel.
- You have to have your own earned money in your IRA.
- You have to be educated, skilled and employable.

[Anonymous]

Big risk.

I thought my DH was very stable. He had a midlife crisis 15 years in and mental health episode. We are getting divorced this week.

I kept my career and am so glad I did. It means I am keeping the family house.

Honestly, you think you know what life holds. You don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family consists of husband, mom( me), toddler, and newborn. I had a great situation with my first - 16 weeks mat leave + ability to work PT until 6 months. I’m now at a new company and will only have 12 weeks mat leave + no option to scale back on work. I’ve been contemplating quitting my job to stay him for the next several years but the idea is worrisome. I full trust my husband, but I’ve never been financially dependent on anyone. My other concerns are being out of work too long, the economy, and becoming less of myself. We have been fortunate enough to live off my husband’s salary, while stocking mine away for a situation just like this one. What have you done? As a woman, did you feel secure enough to be provided for by your husband?

Yes I am extremely happy and fulfilled being a SAHM with adult children. My DH is 5 years from retirement.

Here is my own life experience and opinion -
- You have to keep the big picture in mind at all times.
- You have to trust your DH 200%
- You have to be financially protected for all situations
- You have to marry a loyal and honest person
- You have to have a solid marriage
- The family has to be without baggage and remain functional and united
- You have to be essential and valued
- You have to be frugal
- You have to be wise, skilled and empowered to make decisions and spend money
- You have to orchestrate the big wins for your family
- Your kids have to thrive and excel. Your DH has to thrive and excel. Your extended family has to thrive and excel.
- You have to have your own earned money in your IRA.
- You have to be educated, skilled and employable.

You left off, You have to be lucky.

[Anonymous]

With 40-50% of marriages ending in divorce financial security is a huge issue for a SAHM. You need to get very involved with your family finances and goal setting. You need to know where the money is and how it’s invested. Make sure to have a high family savings rate to build your net worth well beyond the equity value in your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my case, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to the kind of guy who had the same respect for a sahm wife as he would have for a working wife. Because honestly that means he probably didn't put a whole lot of value in the accomplishments of a working wife. I have accomplished a lot in my career and education. It really is harder and more interesting than baby raising.

This is just straight-out misogynistic. You assign a high value to paid work* and a low value to caregiving work** because based on what you write, you have bought into the patriarchal notion that women exist to serve their husbands and families, for no pay and at the expense of their own needs and wants, and that paid work is by definition worthy of respect that caregiving work is not. It's kind of like how a boy dressing like a girl is worthy of contempt and derision, whereas the reverse is not.

Paid work is not per se more worthy of respect than caregiving work is, just because we have been told so by patriarchal culture.

*work for which people are compensated with money, in the tradition of how men have worked for centuries
**work for which no monetary compensation is provided, in the tradition of how women have worked for centuries

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I did this for a few years my husband always pointed out that he was relying on me as much as I was relying on him -- he might have been the sole earner but he couldn't go to work unless someone was taking care of the kids. Yes we could have paid someone else to do it but we both saw the benefits in one of us doing it and I was more willing and suited to it at that time. So DH never made me feel indebted to him for "letting" me stay home -- he was always very clear that he viewed what I was doing as a sacrifice equal to the sacrifice he made in going to work and he valued it. That took the edge off the fact that I relied on him for money.

But I still struggled mentally with not making an income and by the time my youngest was 2 I was taking on some consulting work that I did while she was in PT daycare. I like making money and definitely feel more secure when I do. But not because my DH creates that dynamic -- I think I just spent a lot of years working and got used to associating my value with my earning to some degree and found losing that was hard. Zero regrets about the time I took off but it's not like I just forgot about money and work during that time. It was always in the back of my mind and I never really considered just stepping out of the workforce entirely.

Our entire paid work infrastructure is dependent on someone else taking care of our children.

[Anonymous]

You can trust DH all you want. 200000%.

If there is an OW, "it's always been our money" will change on a dime.

Then you will get to put into practice watching your children AND working for a paycheck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a risk, and saying it isn’t is lying. How long have you been married? At 20 years you would be entitled to alimony as a SAHP in many states, but if less you can be out with nothing. Do you have assets that are not co-mingled and solely in your name? How do your retirement accounts look?

That’s the financial implications.

On the family implications, the studies are pretty clear that being raised by SAHM’s means girls will earn less money. That may or may not be fine with you. Anecdotally, it impacts how much respect boys will have for women but the data is less clear. What will this mean for your children’s education? Will they still go to camp?

And then the relationship implications. This depends on your spouse. If his attraction to you is predicated on you having a really interesting and dynamic life away from the marriage than yeah, it’s going to be a struggle in the toddler years. Different strokes for different folks.

NP. Can you please provide links for these studies you mention? I tend to be skeptical when studies get mentioned but aren't provided. And I would question how old that information is re: "being raised by SAHMs means girls will earn less money." That's a pretty sweeping conclusion and surely involves a lot of variables. Same re: how much "respect boys wiil have for women" -- are you implying that boys supposedly have less respect for women if their mother is SAH? Again, sweeping and extremely generalized. Which is why I'm wondering about the specific sources, dates, and methodologies of these "studies." If they were conducted over long periods, by reputable, objective social scientists in scientifically valid and replicable ways, that's one thing. If they're by organizations with agendas behind them, that's entirely different. And I say the same about any study on any subject cited without links on DCUM.

Of course watching one person spend their day cleaning bathtubs, and vacuuming, and changing diapers vs getting dressed up, have a nice office and secretary and perks (like a driver or work travel) is going to impact what children think about male vs female capabilities and value. It just will.

I think child care is super impactful, and it was my most important job. But children see the literal tasks and working conditions that each gender takes on (not the nuanced social contribution). That leaves a mark on their perceptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a risk, and saying it isn’t is lying. How long have you been married? At 20 years you would be entitled to alimony as a SAHP in many states, but if less you can be out with nothing. Do you have assets that are not co-mingled and solely in your name? How do your retirement accounts look?

That’s the financial implications.

On the family implications, the studies are pretty clear that being raised by SAHM’s means girls will earn less money. That may or may not be fine with you. Anecdotally, it impacts how much respect boys will have for women but the data is less clear. What will this mean for your children’s education? Will they still go to camp?

And then the relationship implications. This depends on your spouse. If his attraction to you is predicated on you having a really interesting and dynamic life away from the marriage than yeah, it’s going to be a struggle in the toddler years. Different strokes for different folks.

NP. Can you please provide links for these studies you mention? I tend to be skeptical when studies get mentioned but aren't provided. And I would question how old that information is re: "being raised by SAHMs means girls will earn less money." That's a pretty sweeping conclusion and surely involves a lot of variables. Same re: how much "respect boys wiil have for women" -- are you implying that boys supposedly have less respect for women if their mother is SAH? Again, sweeping and extremely generalized. Which is why I'm wondering about the specific sources, dates, and methodologies of these "studies." If they were conducted over long periods, by reputable, objective social scientists in scientifically valid and replicable ways, that's one thing. If they're by organizations with agendas behind them, that's entirely different. And I say the same about any study on any subject cited without links on DCUM.

Of course watching one person spend their day cleaning bathtubs, and vacuuming, and changing diapers vs getting dressed up, have a nice office and secretary and perks (like a driver or work travel) is going to impact what children think about male vs female capabilities and value. It just will.

I think child care is super impactful, and it was my most important job. But children see the literal tasks and working conditions that each gender takes on (not the nuanced social contribution). That leaves a mark on their perceptions.

https://www.hbs.edu/news/releases/Pages/having-working-mother.aspx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family consists of husband, mom( me), toddler, and newborn. I had a great situation with my first - 16 weeks mat leave + ability to work PT until 6 months. I’m now at a new company and will only have 12 weeks mat leave + no option to scale back on work. I’ve been contemplating quitting my job to stay him for the next several years but the idea is worrisome. I full trust my husband, but I’ve never been financially dependent on anyone. My other concerns are being out of work too long, the economy, and becoming less of myself. We have been fortunate enough to live off my husband’s salary, while stocking mine away for a situation just like this one. What have you done? As a woman, did you feel secure enough to be provided for by your husband?

Yes I am extremely happy and fulfilled being a SAHM with adult children. My DH is 5 years from retirement.

Here is my own life experience and opinion -
- You have to keep the big picture in mind at all times.
- You have to trust your DH 200%
- You have to be financially protected for all situations
- You have to marry a loyal and honest person
- You have to have a solid marriage
- The family has to be without baggage and remain functional and united
- You have to be essential and valued
- You have to be frugal
- You have to be wise, skilled and empowered to make decisions and spend money
- You have to orchestrate the big wins for your family
- Your kids have to thrive and excel. Your DH has to thrive and excel. Your extended family has to thrive and excel.
- You have to have your own earned money in your IRA.
- You have to be educated, skilled and employable.

This doesnt seem particularly useful if you are not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a risk, and saying it isn’t is lying. How long have you been married? At 20 years you would be entitled to alimony as a SAHP in many states, but if less you can be out with nothing. Do you have assets that are not co-mingled and solely in your name? How do your retirement accounts look?

That’s the financial implications.

On the family implications, the studies are pretty clear that being raised by SAHM’s means girls will earn less money. That may or may not be fine with you. Anecdotally, it impacts how much respect boys will have for women but the data is less clear. What will this mean for your children’s education? Will they still go to camp?

And then the relationship implications. This depends on your spouse. If his attraction to you is predicated on you having a really interesting and dynamic life away from the marriage than yeah, it’s going to be a struggle in the toddler years. Different strokes for different folks.

NP. Can you please provide links for these studies you mention? I tend to be skeptical when studies get mentioned but aren't provided. And I would question how old that information is re: "being raised by SAHMs means girls will earn less money." That's a pretty sweeping conclusion and surely involves a lot of variables. Same re: how much "respect boys wiil have for women" -- are you implying that boys supposedly have less respect for women if their mother is SAH? Again, sweeping and extremely generalized. Which is why I'm wondering about the specific sources, dates, and methodologies of these "studies." If they were conducted over long periods, by reputable, objective social scientists in scientifically valid and replicable ways, that's one thing. If they're by organizations with agendas behind them, that's entirely different. And I say the same about any study on any subject cited without links on DCUM.

Of course watching one person spend their day cleaning bathtubs, and vacuuming, and changing diapers vs getting dressed up, have a nice office and secretary and perks (like a driver or work travel) is going to impact what children think about male vs female capabilities and value. It just will.

I think child care is super impactful, and it was my most important job. But children see the literal tasks and working conditions that each gender takes on (not the nuanced social contribution). That leaves a mark on their perceptions.

https://www.hbs.edu/news/releases/Pages/having-working-mother.aspx

Wow this is interesting. My fave part:

"Of U.S. men surveyed, those who had working mothers spent nearly twice as many hours on family and child care as those hailing from more traditional households – a weekly average of 16 hours compared to 8 1/2 hours."

This has been my experience actually. Men who grew up with SAHMs expect women to do wayyy more of the housework/child caring - likely because their own fathers were very uninvolved. Men who grew up with working moms saw their dad doing much more, since mom/dad split chores and caring more evenly. I'm very glad my husband grew up with a working mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course there are huge ramifications, only you (and your DH) can determine if it's worth it.

Personally I'm a big fan of Canada/nordic mat leave for 12-18-24 months. It's great to be able to be with baby during that time and still be able to go back to your position. Salary progress takes a hit, but not nearly as much as starting over or staying out for 2+ years.

Agree. For me this is the best deal for families, professionally and personally.

Alternative is part time work that you have a lot of control over the hours you work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can trust DH all you want. 200000%.

If there is an OW, "it's always been our money" will change on a dime.

Then you will get to put into practice watching your children AND working for a paycheck.

Sometimes a lot of the time it's not this. It's a sudden illness or job loss

[Anonymous]

The better you are at what you do and the more risk you are willing to take, the easier it is to create a part-time schedule, whether by setting boundaries and making demands at your workplace or by starting your own small business (think consultant). Working during the infant and toddler years was really hard, but now that my kids are in elementary school and older, I've reached financial security and a degree of competence in what I do, an I set my own schedule on my terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family consists of husband, mom( me), toddler, and newborn. I had a great situation with my first - 16 weeks mat leave + ability to work PT until 6 months. I’m now at a new company and will only have 12 weeks mat leave + no option to scale back on work. I’ve been contemplating quitting my job to stay him for the next several years but the idea is worrisome. I full trust my husband, but I’ve never been financially dependent on anyone. My other concerns are being out of work too long, the economy, and becoming less of myself. We have been fortunate enough to live off my husband’s salary, while stocking mine away for a situation just like this one. What have you done? As a woman, did you feel secure enough to be provided for by your husband?

Yes I am extremely happy and fulfilled being a SAHM with adult children. My DH is 5 years from retirement.

Here is my own life experience and opinion -
- You have to keep the big picture in mind at all times.
- You have to trust your DH 200%
- You have to be financially protected for all situations
- You have to marry a loyal and honest person
- You have to have a solid marriage
- The family has to be without baggage and remain functional and united
- You have to be essential and valued
- You have to be frugal
- You have to be wise, skilled and empowered to make decisions and spend money
- You have to orchestrate the big wins for your family
- Your kids have to thrive and excel. Your DH has to thrive and excel. Your extended family has to thrive and excel.
- You have to have your own earned money in your IRA.
- You have to be educated, skilled and employable.

That's quite a list and tall order.
99.9% people who hit all of that in their life.