Are there ramifications for being a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you asked for ramifications, and yes there are.

1. You will be contributing to the idea that women are supposed to stay home with the kids. That dad can't do it.

2. You are contributing to the idea that education and careers for girls/women are only a temporary thing until she gets married until she has babies.

3. Your career will likely never recover, that does not mean you will not go back to work, or that you will never be promoted, but it's unlikely you will have the career you could have had if you didn't take 5 + years off. You will be mommy tracked.

4. Your financial future and that of your family will be entirely dependent on your husband.

Ramification #2 seems a bit dramatic. My sisters and I were raised by a SAHM and we both work full time. People do what works for them

ANd? Your individual experience does not negate point 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“If you SAH your daughters will think it’s okay to SAH.” Well…good? I mean, I think it’s okay to SAH, which is why I do it, I hope my kids agree with me.

But what about your sons? Will they think it's okay for them to stay home or is that something only women do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I SAH for 13 years and now teach half day preschool for peanuts. I don’t think it’s as deep as everyone (on both sides) is saying.

- I wanted to SAH and we could afford it
- We are frugal, live below our means and save aggressively
- I fully trust my DH and he trusts me.
- We debated my going back full time when the kids were in ES, but it seemed complicated and I wouldn’t have made that much.

That’s pretty much the extent of it. It wasn’t some big complicated thing. Life is good.

Until it isn't.

Amazing amount of women have blinders on here, including OP

I keep all the books. If he leaves and takes half, I’m still good. No need to worry.

Are your kids good too? College paid for, meaning both undergraduate and graduate school? Enough to give them a gift of down payment on their first home? Is you and your DH:s retirement fully funded included all health and eldercare-related expenses until at least age 90?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you want and what feels good for you in your relationship.

I always liked working. I derive satisfaction from working. I didn't derive much satisfaction from being a full time mom (which I essentially did for 3 years - though always was technically employed at the time, for purposes of keeping my resume fresh).

I hear a lot of women on this forum say that their husbands always continued to treat them as the same equal when they stayed home. That's great! In my case, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to the kind of guy who had the same respect for a sahm wife as he would have for a working wife. Because honestly that means he probably didn't put a whole lot of value in the accomplishments of a working wife. I have accomplished a lot in my career and education. It really is harder and more interesting than baby raising. So if a guy was like "my opinions of you won't change based on whether you continue working or not"..... . that's kind of weird, and not the guy for me. Consequently, my DH is very attracted to my professional success; we definitely weren't as connected or have the same energy when I wasn't working. But again - your DH and your relationship may be different, so you do you.

I am a career woman who also was SAH for a few years. It's the opposite to me: "career" in dmv area is just pushing papers and moving funds from point A to point B. Parenting to young kids is far more difficult and importnant, and I would never be attracted to a man who didnt consider parenting as equal as working a full time job.
It IS a FT job!

I totally agree. I work FT but I see most careers in the category as not as impactful as raising the next generation.

Are you not raising the next generation. PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“If you SAH your daughters will think it’s okay to SAH.” Well…good? I mean, I think it’s okay to SAH, which is why I do it, I hope my kids agree with me.

But what about your sons? Will they think it's okay for them to stay home or is that something only women do?

Well, it is mostly something women do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“If you SAH your daughters will think it’s okay to SAH.” Well…good? I mean, I think it’s okay to SAH, which is why I do it, I hope my kids agree with me.

But what about your sons? Will they think it's okay for them to stay home or is that something only women do?

Well, it is mostly something women do.

So you want to perpetuate outdated sexist stereotypes? Why won't you encourage your daughters to strive for more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I SAH for 13 years and now teach half day preschool for peanuts. I don’t think it’s as deep as everyone (on both sides) is saying.

- I wanted to SAH and we could afford it
- We are frugal, live below our means and save aggressively
- I fully trust my DH and he trusts me.
- We debated my going back full time when the kids were in ES, but it seemed complicated and I wouldn’t have made that much.

That’s pretty much the extent of it. It wasn’t some big complicated thing. Life is good.

Until it isn't.

Amazing amount of women have blinders on here, including OP

I keep all the books. If he leaves and takes half, I’m still good. No need to worry.

Are your kids good too? College paid for, meaning both undergraduate and graduate school? Enough to give them a gift of down payment on their first home? Is you and your DH:s retirement fully funded included all health and eldercare-related expenses until at least age 90?

What exactly is the breaking point for this? Am I supposed to pick up additional work evenings and weekends until these goals are met? Can I never take a vacation or buy a new car or remodel my kitchen?

Or is there a point where you can decide that your children’s financial future is okay, and it’s okay for you to live your life too?

[Anonymous]

The costs of sahp are significant and varied, no doubt. But once you really see and understand what very young children need, it’s very hard to unsee it. They are not wired to follow rules and comply every second. To have everything they eat, how they sleep, how they potty train and what they touch be decided for maximum expediency and minimal risk. To have rotating caregivers who may be loving but have significant personal burdens in terms of finances, commutes, trauma. To be around so many other children in the same stage. Kids absorb everything—and they are actually wired to develop autonomy and explore from birth. That’s what fortifies their mental health.

I truly hope there will be a shift in which society demands more for kids in terms of nurturing, nutrition and education. We miraculously managed to move away from physical punishment, which was status quo and lauded by professionals and religious leaders for millennia.

This needn’t be gendered: I know multiple dads who took a year off to care for kids (fed sabbatical, European company leave, gardening leave) and mom did too. So at least the child gets to age 2. Other parents find a nanny share and deal with the logistics to find someone exceptional. I don’t care who stays home or doesnt—I just think we are deluding ourselves about American childcare norms.

[Anonymous]

If young people understood the truth about all of this they would be encouraged to save a big lump sum for childcare flexibility rather than a wedding. They could use that money to fund the difference between daycare/nanny , to maximize unpaid leave, etc. But no one talks about it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I SAH for 13 years and now teach half day preschool for peanuts. I don’t think it’s as deep as everyone (on both sides) is saying.

- I wanted to SAH and we could afford it
- We are frugal, live below our means and save aggressively
- I fully trust my DH and he trusts me.
- We debated my going back full time when the kids were in ES, but it seemed complicated and I wouldn’t have made that much.

That’s pretty much the extent of it. It wasn’t some big complicated thing. Life is good.

Until it isn't.

Amazing amount of women have blinders on here, including OP

I keep all the books. If he leaves and takes half, I’m still good. No need to worry.

Are your kids good too? College paid for, meaning both undergraduate and graduate school? Enough to give them a gift of down payment on their first home? Is you and your DH:s retirement fully funded included all health and eldercare-related expenses until at least age 90?

Why pay for someones college degree and buy them a home when they could potentially end up a SAHP? That's a waste of money on a college degree. And let the working spouse worry about the living situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not especially relevant if kids “like” daycare. Obviously it’s much better if they do but it can still be an undesirable setup in terms of cortisol control, emotional regulation, exposure to aggression, etc. It can dictate how effective your own parenting is. Try doing oh crap or RIE when your child is in a center and you’ll be undercut all day long.

Daycares also allow so little risky play (understandably!) and food and naps are all based on convenience. An individual caregiver—dad, nanny, grandma—can allow a child much more independence and autonomy. That matters for everything from anxiety prevention to gut health.

Parents also mistakenly believe that all the enrichment found in daycares matters. It doesn’t—a toddler doesn’t need to be shuffled from art to cooking to French in siloed stations.

You act like daycare is a behemoth

Good lord the extent that some women will go to to justify not working is insane. Work isn’t that bad you know

As any SAHP of small children can tell you, office work is far easier than caretaking. Women aren’t trying to avoid work. The SAH bashing on here is insane. I am convinced that 99% of women have such abominable levels of internalized misogyny that their heads would explode if they started to unpack it.

NP here - OMG, weekends staying at home with my kid when he was under 2 was SO HARD. Monday was such a relief because I could drink coffee and think about adult things. Just saying - not everyone is meant for taking care of little kids.

It's not that hard. My observation is that the people who claim it's so hard are incredibly self-absorbed at baseline, so the entire world not revolving around them and their TV shows, wine tastings, and nail appointments anymore is exhausting and frustrating. It's also why this same group acts like making a goddam doctor's appointment is so draining. They also do a lot of extra shit like your 2 year olds birthday party doesn't require embossed invitations and a photoshoot.

[Anonymous]

A couple I can think of from a present situation:
1- Be sure your name is on all bank accounts that are jointly held as a couple and to which you jointly contribute whether in bank or investment group such as Fidelity or Vanguard.
A spouse really can close you out completely.

2- Be sure that your name is on the deed to any property in which you consider yourself "housed" -- condo, townhouse, or single family home.

3- If you have any car that you did not purchase with your name on the title, then be sure your name is on the car title at least for any joint purchase.

4- Take the time to sit down with a financial advisor - fee based - one time to get an overview of your family finances with DH so that you gain a basic level of understanding. Also, it would be a good time to update goals and perhaps the ratio of your investment portfolio.

5- Keep a identiy record of your own by having at least one bank account in your name only and a credit card to that you do have a history. Same could be said to go for your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I SAH for 13 years and now teach half day preschool for peanuts. I don’t think it’s as deep as everyone (on both sides) is saying.

- I wanted to SAH and we could afford it
- We are frugal, live below our means and save aggressively
- I fully trust my DH and he trusts me.
- We debated my going back full time when the kids were in ES, but it seemed complicated and I wouldn’t have made that much.

That’s pretty much the extent of it. It wasn’t some big complicated thing. Life is good.

Until it isn't.

Amazing amount of women have blinders on here, including OP

I keep all the books. If he leaves and takes half, I’m still good. No need to worry.

Are your kids good too? College paid for, meaning both undergraduate and graduate school? Enough to give them a gift of down payment on their first home? Is you and your DH:s retirement fully funded included all health and eldercare-related expenses until at least age 90?

Why pay for someones college degree and buy them a home when they could potentially end up a SAHP? That's a waste of money on a college degree. And let the working spouse worry about the living situation.

Silly argument. I was a SAHM then returned to work. Had two degrees, currently working on a third. A lot of women return to work after staying home for a period of time. Seems people on this thread refuse to acknowledge that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I SAH for 13 years and now teach half day preschool for peanuts. I don’t think it’s as deep as everyone (on both sides) is saying.

- I wanted to SAH and we could afford it
- We are frugal, live below our means and save aggressively
- I fully trust my DH and he trusts me.
- We debated my going back full time when the kids were in ES, but it seemed complicated and I wouldn’t have made that much.

That’s pretty much the extent of it. It wasn’t some big complicated thing. Life is good.

Until it isn't.

Amazing amount of women have blinders on here, including OP

I keep all the books. If he leaves and takes half, I’m still good. No need to worry.

Are your kids good too? College paid for, meaning both undergraduate and graduate school? Enough to give them a gift of down payment on their first home? Is you and your DH:s retirement fully funded included all health and eldercare-related expenses until at least age 90?

I’m the person you quoted and yes. I might have to skip the house downpayment if we split (highly unlikely but I’m sure some posters will insist it’s possible) but other than that yes. DH is a high earner and we’ve lived well below our means our entire marriage.

[Anonymous]

I think it is fine if it is temporary.

I am of the persuasion that both parents have financial and domestic responsibilities for themselves and the family they chose to have. To me an adult who contributes nothing financially and relies on another for everything is no different from an adult who contributes nothing at home and relies on another for everything.

However during the preschool years, it can make sense to have one parent at home. Once the kids are in school, then no barring exceptional circumstances. The idea that one parent should have 100% responsibility and work all day while the other really contributes nothing during those hours isn't something I am on board with.