Are there ramifications for being a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

My family consists of husband, mom( me), toddler, and newborn. I had a great situation with my first - 16 weeks mat leave + ability to work PT until 6 months. I’m now at a new company and will only have 12 weeks mat leave + no option to scale back on work. I’ve been contemplating quitting my job to stay him for the next several years but the idea is worrisome. I full trust my husband, but I’ve never been financially dependent on anyone. My other concerns are being out of work too long, the economy, and becoming less of myself. We have been fortunate enough to live off my husband’s salary, while stocking mine away for a situation just like this one. What have you done? As a woman, did you feel secure enough to be provided for by your husband?

[Anonymous]

My biggest struggle is I hated feeling dependent on DH. He NEVER made me feel this way and would always be reassuring me that it wasn't "his money" and the like. And our marriage was and is beyond great. I just hated that dependent feeling (granted looking back I also had PPD). I ended up going back to work when DS was 5 to a job where I worked 3 12 hr shifts a week. I was much much happier. The weird thing was that my mom was a SAHM my whole life.

There was no reason for me to feel this way. We had plenty of money for me to SAH. It just wasn't something that made me very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My biggest struggle is I hated feeling dependent on DH. He NEVER made me feel this way and would always be reassuring me that it wasn't "his money" and the like. And our marriage was and is beyond great. I just hated that dependent feeling (granted looking back I also had PPD). I ended up going back to work when DS was 5 to a job where I worked 3 12 hr shifts a week. I was much much happier. The weird thing was that my mom was a SAHM my whole life.

There was no reason for me to feel this way. We had plenty of money for me to SAH. It just wasn't something that made me very happy.

OP here. This for us, too. My husband is wonderful and we made the decision to live off his salary. He has never questioned how much I spend or what I need to spend on. It’s our money, not his or mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My biggest struggle is I hated feeling dependent on DH. He NEVER made me feel this way and would always be reassuring me that it wasn't "his money" and the like. And our marriage was and is beyond great. I just hated that dependent feeling (granted looking back I also had PPD). I ended up going back to work when DS was 5 to a job where I worked 3 12 hr shifts a week. I was much much happier. The weird thing was that my mom was a SAHM my whole life.

There was no reason for me to feel this way. We had plenty of money for me to SAH. It just wasn't something that made me very happy.

OP here. This for us, too. My husband is wonderful and we made the decision to live off his salary. He has never questioned how much I spend or what I need to spend on. It’s our money, not his or mine.

Yeah that was DH. So it really was just a me issue. I think SAH can be great. But I also think it's fine to acknowledge that you can want a career too and I wish I had been more accepting of that before he turned 5. I guess my point is, you can have everything set up right to be a SAHM and it still may not be the best choice for you. And that's ok.

[Anonymous]

Try not to be totally dependent if you can help it. It’s wonderful to raise the kids and not have child care concerns but things can turn on a dime in more ways than one. It’s also good to be able to be the safety net income wise for the both of you.Try to remain current.

[Anonymous]

It’s a risk, and saying it isn’t is lying. How long have you been married? At 20 years you would be entitled to alimony as a SAHP in many states, but if less you can be out with nothing. Do you have assets that are not co-mingled and solely in your name? How do your retirement accounts look?

That’s the financial implications.

On the family implications, the studies are pretty clear that being raised by SAHM’s means girls will earn less money. That may or may not be fine with you. Anecdotally, it impacts how much respect boys will have for women but the data is less clear. What will this mean for your children’s education? Will they still go to camp?

And then the relationship implications. This depends on your spouse. If his attraction to you is predicated on you having a really interesting and dynamic life away from the marriage than yeah, it’s going to be a struggle in the toddler years. Different strokes for different folks.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know. I think of myself as a progressive, independent woman but I am also a SAHM. It works for our family and if that ever changes, then I’ll go back to work. I did worry initially about feeling dependent on my husband financially but that has faded over time as I’ve realized that the work I do at home/with our kids is valuable too. I may not get a paycheck but it’s definitely “our” money, not “his.” When he WFH I get to see first hand that I often do in fact work harder than he does and he tells me this frequently. He has a good, stable job but typically is less busy than I am on any given day with young kids.

[Anonymous]

Why not look for something part-time? It doesn't need to be all or nothing, and it'll be easier to get back to full time if you want to.

[Anonymous]

Do what you want and what feels good for you in your relationship.

I always liked working. I derive satisfaction from working. I didn't derive much satisfaction from being a full time mom (which I essentially did for 3 years - though always was technically employed at the time, for purposes of keeping my resume fresh).

I hear a lot of women on this forum say that their husbands always continued to treat them as the same equal when they stayed home. That's great! In my case, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to the kind of guy who had the same respect for a sahm wife as he would have for a working wife. Because honestly that means he probably didn't put a whole lot of value in the accomplishments of a working wife. I have accomplished a lot in my career and education. It really is harder and more interesting than baby raising. So if a guy was like "my opinions of you won't change based on whether you continue working or not"..... . that's kind of weird, and not the guy for me. Consequently, my DH is very attracted to my professional success; we definitely weren't as connected or have the same energy when I wasn't working. But again - your DH and your relationship may be different, so you do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a risk, and saying it isn’t is lying. How long have you been married? At 20 years you would be entitled to alimony as a SAHP in many states, but if less you can be out with nothing. Do you have assets that are not co-mingled and solely in your name? How do your retirement accounts look?

That’s the financial implications.

On the family implications, the studies are pretty clear that being raised by SAHM’s means girls will earn less money. That may or may not be fine with you. Anecdotally, it impacts how much respect boys will have for women but the data is less clear. What will this mean for your children’s education? Will they still go to camp?

And then the relationship implications. This depends on your spouse. If his attraction to you is predicated on you having a really interesting and dynamic life away from the marriage than yeah, it’s going to be a struggle in the toddler years. Different strokes for different folks.

OP here. We have 2 boys and we are done having kids.

[Anonymous]

I would consider a postnup .

Also, agree that you will only do this until kids are in school, then what will the arrangement be. You will be too vulnerable if you give up your career entirely. And, as others have said, that sends the wrong message to children in 2024.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would consider a postnup .

Also, agree that you will only do this until kids are in school, then what will the arrangement be. You will be too vulnerable if you give up your career entirely. And, as others have said, that sends the wrong message to children in 2024.

A postnup is a very good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do what you want and what feels good for you in your relationship.

I always liked working. I derive satisfaction from working. I didn't derive much satisfaction from being a full time mom (which I essentially did for 3 years - though always was technically employed at the time, for purposes of keeping my resume fresh).

I hear a lot of women on this forum say that their husbands always continued to treat them as the same equal when they stayed home. That's great! In my case, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to the kind of guy who had the same respect for a sahm wife as he would have for a working wife. Because honestly that means he probably didn't put a whole lot of value in the accomplishments of a working wife. I have accomplished a lot in my career and education. It really is harder and more interesting than baby raising. So if a guy was like "my opinions of you won't change based on whether you continue working or not"..... . that's kind of weird, and not the guy for me. Consequently, my DH is very attracted to my professional success; we definitely weren't as connected or have the same energy when I wasn't working. But again - your DH and your relationship may be different, so you do you.

I am a career woman who also was SAH for a few years. It's the opposite to me: "career" in dmv area is just pushing papers and moving funds from point A to point B. Parenting to young kids is far more difficult and importnant, and I would never be attracted to a man who didnt consider parenting as equal as working a full time job.
It IS a FT job!

[Anonymous]

Of course there are huge ramifications, only you (and your DH) can determine if it's worth it.

Personally I'm a big fan of Canada/nordic mat leave for 12-18-24 months. It's great to be able to be with baby during that time and still be able to go back to your position. Salary progress takes a hit, but not nearly as much as starting over or staying out for 2+ years.

[Anonymous]

There may be more options than you think. It’s been my experience that employers will lie and say the only option is for you to do exactly what they want you to do, but when you sit down to give your notice, other options magically appear.

This is the time to ask for exactly what you want. If they can’t work with you, then you quit.