Are there ramifications for being a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My biggest struggle is I hated feeling dependent on DH. He NEVER made me feel this way and would always be reassuring me that it wasn't "his money" and the like. And our marriage was and is beyond great. I just hated that dependent feeling (granted looking back I also had PPD). I ended up going back to work when DS was 5 to a job where I worked 3 12 hr shifts a week. I was much much happier. The weird thing was that my mom was a SAHM my whole life.

There was no reason for me to feel this way. We had plenty of money for me to SAH. It just wasn't something that made me very happy.

This is me also, OP.

I have been both a SAHM and the breadwinner. At neither time did my husband or I think about it as "his money/my money" depending on whose paycheck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you want and what feels good for you in your relationship.

I always liked working. I derive satisfaction from working. I didn't derive much satisfaction from being a full time mom (which I essentially did for 3 years - though always was technically employed at the time, for purposes of keeping my resume fresh).

I hear a lot of women on this forum say that their husbands always continued to treat them as the same equal when they stayed home. That's great! In my case, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to the kind of guy who had the same respect for a sahm wife as he would have for a working wife. Because honestly that means he probably didn't put a whole lot of value in the accomplishments of a working wife. I have accomplished a lot in my career and education. It really is harder and more interesting than baby raising. So if a guy was like "my opinions of you won't change based on whether you continue working or not"..... . that's kind of weird, and not the guy for me. Consequently, my DH is very attracted to my professional success; we definitely weren't as connected or have the same energy when I wasn't working. But again - your DH and your relationship may be different, so you do you.

I am a career woman who also was SAH for a few years. It's the opposite to me: "career" in dmv area is just pushing papers and moving funds from point A to point B. Parenting to young kids is far more difficult and importnant, and I would never be attracted to a man who didnt consider parenting as equal as working a full time job.
It IS a FT job!

I’m a working mom and wouldn’t be happy if my DH valued my career over my role raising kids. I also wouldn’t respect him if he didn’t acknowledge the burden of pregnancy and childbirth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try not to be totally dependent if you can help it. It’s wonderful to raise the kids and not have child care concerns but things can turn on a dime in more ways than one. It’s also good to be able to be the safety net income wise for the both of you.Try to remain current.

This is great advice for all parents - most especially for Mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do what you want and what feels good for you in your relationship.

I always liked working. I derive satisfaction from working. I didn't derive much satisfaction from being a full time mom (which I essentially did for 3 years - though always was technically employed at the time, for purposes of keeping my resume fresh).

I hear a lot of women on this forum say that their husbands always continued to treat them as the same equal when they stayed home. That's great! In my case, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to the kind of guy who had the same respect for a sahm wife as he would have for a working wife. Because honestly that means he probably didn't put a whole lot of value in the accomplishments of a working wife. I have accomplished a lot in my career and education. It really is harder and more interesting than baby raising. So if a guy was like "my opinions of you won't change based on whether you continue working or not"..... . that's kind of weird, and not the guy for me. Consequently, my DH is very attracted to my professional success; we definitely weren't as connected or have the same energy when I wasn't working. But again - your DH and your relationship may be different, so you do you.

This is sad to me and I have a career. It’s sad for a few reasons including that you’re likely over the age of 35 and still think your career is that important in the grand scheme of things. I work for a few reasons but primarily for income and can’t imagine my DH thinking me pushing papers around and sending emails is really more important than my role raising children. This view also diminishes what has traditionally been a woman’s job since the beginning of time. It suggests that the only way you add value is if you have what was traditionally a man’s job. Bringing a life into this world and raising it isn’t enough for you. Instead you need to work for a corporation and send emails. Kind of gross. I think our nanny’s job is incredibly important and don’t think my job is more important or better than being the mother to my children.

[Anonymous]

This poster’s daughter isn’t going to earn less if mom stays at home. Those stats pertain to lower-income populations. Some of you will say anything to devalue caregiving

[Anonymous]

My concern is that I wouldn’t return to work. There’s no easy time to work or return to work arguably leaving a young baby can be just as difficult as leaving a 3 or 4 year old. The women I’ve known who took time off spent years out of the workforce and struggled to return or never did. There was always an excuse about why they can’t work and it’s possible they needed to justify it. I think it put their families at a disadvantage and they incorrectly thought it was better for their children.

It’s also not considering that working is fairly easy. We’ve never lived in a safer world or had easier jobs. Someone 100 years ago would be shocked you can sit in a climate controlled office and use a computer and earn a six figure salary with paid vacation, healthcare, retirement savings etc. I personally have a difficult time passing this up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you want and what feels good for you in your relationship.

I always liked working. I derive satisfaction from working. I didn't derive much satisfaction from being a full time mom (which I essentially did for 3 years - though always was technically employed at the time, for purposes of keeping my resume fresh).

I hear a lot of women on this forum say that their husbands always continued to treat them as the same equal when they stayed home. That's great! In my case, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to the kind of guy who had the same respect for a sahm wife as he would have for a working wife. Because honestly that means he probably didn't put a whole lot of value in the accomplishments of a working wife. I have accomplished a lot in my career and education. It really is harder and more interesting than baby raising. So if a guy was like "my opinions of you won't change based on whether you continue working or not"..... . that's kind of weird, and not the guy for me. Consequently, my DH is very attracted to my professional success; we definitely weren't as connected or have the same energy when I wasn't working. But again - your DH and your relationship may be different, so you do you.

This is sad to me and I have a career. It’s sad for a few reasons including that you’re likely over the age of 35 and still think your career is that important in the grand scheme of things. I work for a few reasons but primarily for income and can’t imagine my DH thinking me pushing papers around and sending emails is really more important than my role raising children. This view also diminishes what has traditionally been a woman’s job since the beginning of time. It suggests that the only way you add value is if you have what was traditionally a man’s job. Bringing a life into this world and raising it isn’t enough for you. Instead you need to work for a corporation and send emails. Kind of gross. I think our nanny’s job is incredibly important and don’t think my job is more important or better than being the mother to my children.

Ditto.

DH and I decided we valued having a parent at home for the first few years. That was what we both had. He said he'd be willing to do it if I didn't want to but I did. Plus his tech career was less forgiving of a break. I don't think I'd have been comfortable stopping work 100%. I was fortunate to be able to do freelance work regularly during my years at home. It was never a lot, a project or two per quarter, but I also never really tried to look for work. Just let my colleagues and current and former job know I'd be available and they called.

Had no trouble returning to a FT job when my youngest was in kindergarten. I'm really glad I took that break. It was a great phase of life and wonderful memories.

FWIW, we've also had times in our marriage when DH was unemployed and we lived on my salary. Through it all, money is "ours" and we both contribute in different ways over time.

My main advice is to find a way to keep a hand in. Freelance if you can, see if you can cut back to part time. Or, even if you aren't working, regularly keep in touch with colleagues. One of my friends is a lawyer who took a 6+ year break. Through it all she lunched a few times a year with a partner at her old firm. When her youngest started K he asked her to come back. Those connections matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you want and what feels good for you in your relationship.

I always liked working. I derive satisfaction from working. I didn't derive much satisfaction from being a full time mom (which I essentially did for 3 years - though always was technically employed at the time, for purposes of keeping my resume fresh).

I hear a lot of women on this forum say that their husbands always continued to treat them as the same equal when they stayed home. That's great! In my case, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to the kind of guy who had the same respect for a sahm wife as he would have for a working wife. Because honestly that means he probably didn't put a whole lot of value in the accomplishments of a working wife. I have accomplished a lot in my career and education. It really is harder and more interesting than baby raising. So if a guy was like "my opinions of you won't change based on whether you continue working or not"..... . that's kind of weird, and not the guy for me. Consequently, my DH is very attracted to my professional success; we definitely weren't as connected or have the same energy when I wasn't working. But again - your DH and your relationship may be different, so you do you.

I am a career woman who also was SAH for a few years. It's the opposite to me: "career" in dmv area is just pushing papers and moving funds from point A to point B. Parenting to young kids is far more difficult and importnant, and I would never be attracted to a man who didnt consider parenting as equal as working a full time job.
It IS a FT job!

I’m a working mom and wouldn’t be happy if my DH valued my career over my role raising kids. I also wouldn’t respect him if he didn’t acknowledge the burden of pregnancy and childbirth.

+1. The DH who values a career over SAHM is also likely to blow off the demands of childcare. I’ve both worked and stayed home, and my DH saw value in both. Beware the man who thinks all childcare can be outsourced. He’s the one who thinks he’s done heavy lifting when he does daycare drop off or pick up.

[Anonymous]

I refrained from doing it because I wanted to maintain some financial control. there have been insightful posts by intelligent women on this forum who have opted to stay home and have taken steps to safeguard themselves, like getting a postnup, having their spouse fund their own spousal IRA, and investing in properties jointly titled in both their names. If you have a high-earning spouse who controls all financial accounts, you may be caught off guard in the event of a divorce where the money has become untraceable. I look at risk for a living - many people ignore risk, and sometimes it works out, and sometimes it does up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My concern is that I wouldn’t return to work. There’s no easy time to work or return to work arguably leaving a young baby can be just as difficult as leaving a 3 or 4 year old. The women I’ve known who took time off spent years out of the workforce and struggled to return or never did. There was always an excuse about why they can’t work and it’s possible they needed to justify it. I think it put their families at a disadvantage and they incorrectly thought it was better for their children.

It’s also not considering that working is fairly easy. We’ve never lived in a safer world or had easier jobs. Someone 100 years ago would be shocked you can sit in a climate controlled office and use a computer and earn a six figure salary with paid vacation, healthcare, retirement savings etc. I personally have a difficult time passing this up.

1. FWIW I found it pretty easy to return to work when my kids were in K and 2nd grade. They didn't do intensive activities, actually WANTED to go to the elementary extended day because all their friends were going, and our ES happened to cater more to working parents (little call for volunteers and events we were expected at were nearly always in the evenings). Once they got to middle school there were more after school activities + concerns about what they might get up to without supervision. So, then DH was able to shift to working at home most of the time.

2. I stayed home because it was better for ME, not the kids. I knew plenty of families who were using nannies/daycare and their kids were fine but their parents seemed so stressed out. One friend who had a bad commute would call her husband before she left the office so she could hear the baby and beg him to try to keep him awake for her to see when she got home. Watching other working parents it did not seem to be a life I wanted if I had another option. In today's remote workplace I think it's a lot more likely I'd have continued working FT. My FT working mom colleagues with little children seem to have much better work/life balance than I did 20 years ago.

I would consider a wide range of options in the context of your specific career and the kind of life you want to live. There's no right answer and for most it will change over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My concern is that I wouldn’t return to work. There’s no easy time to work or return to work arguably leaving a young baby can be just as difficult as leaving a 3 or 4 year old. The women I’ve known who took time off spent years out of the workforce and struggled to return or never did. There was always an excuse about why they can’t work and it’s possible they needed to justify it. I think it put their families at a disadvantage and they incorrectly thought it was better for their children.

It’s also not considering that working is fairly easy. We’ve never lived in a safer world or had easier jobs. Someone 100 years ago would be shocked you can sit in a climate controlled office and use a computer and earn a six figure salary with paid vacation, healthcare, retirement savings etc. I personally have a difficult time passing this up.

Who’s to say it wasn’t better for their children? That’s a weird judgment. Every family is different. You also sound very privileged: plenty of people don’t make six figures.

[Anonymous]

I stayed home when the kids were young. It was meant to be very short term, but then we had a special needs child, and then my mother had a stroke and needed full-time care. I was out of the workforce for 10 years.

Going back in, my salary was lower and has probably never fully recovered from the time off. Plus caregiving was BORING. Important, sure - but tedious as all get out. I wouldn't discount your needs for intellectual stimulation in this equation. It's not just about what some people consider best for your kids; it's what's best for your family, which includes you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My concern is that I wouldn’t return to work. There’s no easy time to work or return to work arguably leaving a young baby can be just as difficult as leaving a 3 or 4 year old. The women I’ve known who took time off spent years out of the workforce and struggled to return or never did. There was always an excuse about why they can’t work and it’s possible they needed to justify it. I think it put their families at a disadvantage and they incorrectly thought it was better for their children.

It’s also not considering that working is fairly easy. We’ve never lived in a safer world or had easier jobs. Someone 100 years ago would be shocked you can sit in a climate controlled office and use a computer and earn a six figure salary with paid vacation, healthcare, retirement savings etc. I personally have a difficult time passing this up.

Who’s to say it wasn’t better for their children? That’s a weird judgment. Every family is different. You also sound very privileged: plenty of people don’t make six figures.

Isn’t the post privileged? How many women can live off their DH’s salary and save all of theirs in case they want to stay home? How many women are even married when they give birth?

We are responding based on what OP shared. She likely has a decent earning job and it’s probably six figures considering what recent college grads earn these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you want and what feels good for you in your relationship.

I always liked working. I derive satisfaction from working. I didn't derive much satisfaction from being a full time mom (which I essentially did for 3 years - though always was technically employed at the time, for purposes of keeping my resume fresh).

I hear a lot of women on this forum say that their husbands always continued to treat them as the same equal when they stayed home. That's great! In my case, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to the kind of guy who had the same respect for a sahm wife as he would have for a working wife. Because honestly that means he probably didn't put a whole lot of value in the accomplishments of a working wife. I have accomplished a lot in my career and education. It really is harder and more interesting than baby raising. So if a guy was like "my opinions of you won't change based on whether you continue working or not"..... . that's kind of weird, and not the guy for me. Consequently, my DH is very attracted to my professional success; we definitely weren't as connected or have the same energy when I wasn't working. But again - your DH and your relationship may be different, so you do you.

I am a career woman who also was SAH for a few years. It's the opposite to me: "career" in dmv area is just pushing papers and moving funds from point A to point B. Parenting to young kids is far more difficult and importnant, and I would never be attracted to a man who didnt consider parenting as equal as working a full time job.
It IS a FT job!

I’m a working mom and wouldn’t be happy if my DH valued my career over my role raising kids. I also wouldn’t respect him if he didn’t acknowledge the burden of pregnancy and childbirth.

+1. The DH who values a career over SAHM is also likely to blow off the demands of childcare. I’ve both worked and stayed home, and my DH saw value in both. Beware the man who thinks all childcare can be outsourced. He’s the one who thinks he’s done heavy lifting when he does daycare drop off or pick up.

m

In a marriage like the PP described, you’re treated as a man but live in a woman’s body. These kind of men are the WORST. They prioritize equality since they are on the winners in that sort of arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Strongly recommend going back at least part time or consulting because the hardest part will be getting back into the workforce if you ever need/want to.