Are there ramifications for being a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“If you SAH your daughters will think it’s okay to SAH.” Well…good? I mean, I think it’s okay to SAH, which is why I do it, I hope my kids agree with me.

+1. I remember when my daughter was little and refusing the bottle and I was pumping. I thought about quitting all the time. I probably had some mild baby blues and my brain just wasn’t firing on all cylinders. Everything seemed overwhelming. DH was wonderful and said we would make it work if I wanted to stay home. The only thing that kept me going was looking into my baby girl’s face and thinking “I want to model that she can be anything she wants to be”. That was important to me. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be working today. And that would have been fine. That baby girl is off at college at HYP now (fully paid for in part due to my $400K salary) and looks like she is going to make an impact (yes, mom blinders). It has had more of an impact on her brother though. He is a total bro and can always figure out how to get me to do stuff for him. But that ability is limited since I do work and he does have to look after himself a bit. He also sees men working for me and adores my EA who is a guy. The subtle messages he is getting are also important to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you asked for ramifications, and yes there are.

1. You will be contributing to the idea that women are supposed to stay home with the kids. That dad can't do it.

2. You are contributing to the idea that education and careers for girls/women are only a temporary thing until she gets married until she has babies.

3. Your career will likely never recover, that does not mean you will not go back to work, or that you will never be promoted, but it's unlikely you will have the career you could have had if you didn't take 5 + years off. You will be mommy tracked.

4. Your financial future and that of your family will be entirely dependent on your husband.

Ramification #2 seems a bit dramatic. My sisters and I were raised by a SAHM and we both work full time. People do what works for them

Agree. Also a SAHM raised by working mom.

[Anonymous]

Agh flip that lol

[Anonymous]

I was a SAHM for 6 years after my kid was born. Then I went back to work at my husband's request after school started, and I'm glad I did.

1. I reported no income to the Social Security Admin for all those years, so my retirement SSA pay will be smaller than it would have been had I worked those years.

2. When you're dependent on one job/one man for all the money, you lose some power in the relationship, and what YOU want become less important than what the only person bringing in money wants. That was my experience, anyway.

3. Similarly, we went through some difficult times during this period and even considered divorce. I felt like I really needed to try to make it work because I had no income and was taking care of the kids full time. Things ultimately worked out but I was in a very vulnerable position and had to put up with behavior that (before marriage) I never thought I would have put up with.

3. It's stressful for the guy to be the sole money earner. If my husband had lost his job it would have been extremely stressful, and that kind of thing happens more now than it used to. My husband's job is in jeopardy right now, and we are both so relieved that I am pulling in a nearly comparable salary to him to keep family afloat if that happens.

I'm glad that I stayed home with the kids when I did. But I'm glad that I went back to work, too. I have a vote and a voice and equal power in the relationship, and that's better from my perspective. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

(I swear that I'm not an idiot even though that numbering pattern makes me look like one lol)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM for 6 years after my kid was born. Then I went back to work at my husband's request after school started, and I'm glad I did.

1. I reported no income to the Social Security Admin for all those years, so my retirement SSA pay will be smaller than it would have been had I worked those years.

2. When you're dependent on one job/one man for all the money, you lose some power in the relationship, and what YOU want become less important than what the only person bringing in money wants. That was my experience, anyway.

3. Similarly, we went through some difficult times during this period and even considered divorce. I felt like I really needed to try to make it work because I had no income and was taking care of the kids full time. Things ultimately worked out but I was in a very vulnerable position and had to put up with behavior that (before marriage) I never thought I would have put up with.

3. It's stressful for the guy to be the sole money earner. If my husband had lost his job it would have been extremely stressful, and that kind of thing happens more now than it used to. My husband's job is in jeopardy right now, and we are both so relieved that I am pulling in a nearly comparable salary to him to keep family afloat if that happens.

I'm glad that I stayed home with the kids when I did. But I'm glad that I went back to work, too. I have a vote and a voice and equal power in the relationship, and that's better from my perspective. Good luck!

Great post with giid details.

I am 63 and you wouldn't believe how naive these SAHMs are when it comes to Social Security.

It doesn't seem important now but these SAHMS will find out the hard way when they hit 67.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not especially relevant if kids “like” daycare. Obviously it’s much better if they do but it can still be an undesirable setup in terms of cortisol control, emotional regulation, exposure to aggression, etc. It can dictate how effective your own parenting is. Try doing oh crap or RIE when your child is in a center and you’ll be undercut all day long.

Daycares also allow so little risky play (understandably!) and food and naps are all based on convenience. An individual caregiver—dad, nanny, grandma—can allow a child much more independence and autonomy. That matters for everything from anxiety prevention to gut health.

Parents also mistakenly believe that all the enrichment found in daycares matters. It doesn’t—a toddler doesn’t need to be shuffled from art to cooking to French in siloed stations.

You act like daycare is a behemoth

Good lord the extent that some women will go to to justify not working is insane. Work isn’t that bad you know

As any SAHP of small children can tell you, office work is far easier than caretaking. Women aren’t trying to avoid work. The SAH bashing on here is insane. I am convinced that 99% of women have such abominable levels of internalized misogyny that their heads would explode if they started to unpack it.

It's not that hard. My observation is that the people who claim it's so hard are incredibly self-absorbed at baseline, so the entire world not revolving around them and their TV shows, wine tastings, and nail appointments anymore is exhausting and frustrating. It's also why this same group acts like making a goddam doctor's appointment is so draining. They also do a lot of extra shit like your 2 year olds birthday party doesn't require embossed invitations and a photoshoot.

DP but doesn't it depend on the kid/s? My kiddo turned out to be autistic, which we didn't know at the beginning, but the extra sensitivity made them more prone to crying from needing a diaper change, or having a tag in their shirt or pants, or not getting their way at a playdate, or whatever. For fun, this put extra stress on the marriage too b/c deep down my husband thought maybe I was causing the extra sensitivity lol. Anyway, my point is, you don't know what will happen or how easy/hard things will be. I found SAH parenting hard and I find work hard, too. Both have stress points and highs and lows. Now that my kid is in their teens I'm glad I'm working again fwiw.