Are there ramifications for being a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is a very generous and kind guy, but even he was questioning some of my spending and I found myself having to justify why I needed to buy this or that.

He felt the pressure of carrying the burden of being a provider.

I hated being dependent on him. I felt resentful that I did the exhausting work while he just went to the office and he got recognized and rewarded with money, status while I got nothing.

I would not put myself in that situation ever again. And financially having two incomes brings us to a whole other level.

I can really relate to the bolded. Sahms get so little respect, it’s demoralizing.

This^. Its a thankless job and until it gets recognized by the society, no young woman should agree to it.

Please. Like I care what "society" thinks. Make your own choices.

[Anonymous]

I think if you have a work history and only do it for a few years, you’ll be okay.

I took 7 years off and then again 2 during the pandemic. After which I decided to separate. It has been really difficult and there has been financial abuse and I had no one else to turn to for help (including my parents).

So I recommend you have access to an emergency fund, have a 401k for your SAH years with DH contributing, and have your own account(s) and cards. Keep your resume up to date, stay relevant.

[Anonymous]

My only concern ever was being able to find another job. I’m a fed in a great position. I don’t think I could be hired again if I quit.

No issues being dependent on a man.

[Anonymous]

When I did this for a few years my husband always pointed out that he was relying on me as much as I was relying on him -- he might have been the sole earner but he couldn't go to work unless someone was taking care of the kids. Yes we could have paid someone else to do it but we both saw the benefits in one of us doing it and I was more willing and suited to it at that time. So DH never made me feel indebted to him for "letting" me stay home -- he was always very clear that he viewed what I was doing as a sacrifice equal to the sacrifice he made in going to work and he valued it. That took the edge off the fact that I relied on him for money.

But I still struggled mentally with not making an income and by the time my youngest was 2 I was taking on some consulting work that I did while she was in PT daycare. I like making money and definitely feel more secure when I do. But not because my DH creates that dynamic -- I think I just spent a lot of years working and got used to associating my value with my earning to some degree and found losing that was hard. Zero regrets about the time I took off but it's not like I just forgot about money and work during that time. It was always in the back of my mind and I never really considered just stepping out of the workforce entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you have a work history and only do it for a few years, you’ll be okay.

I took 7 years off and then again 2 during the pandemic. After which I decided to separate. It has been really difficult and there has been financial abuse and I had no one else to turn to for help (including my parents).

So I recommend you have access to an emergency fund, have a 401k for your SAH years with DH contributing, and have your own account(s) and cards. Keep your resume up to date, stay relevant.

This, OP. My mother was SAHM and my father used that advantage to be cruel.

The family was also very stressed when my father lost his good job and had to take menial work. Then my mother had to go back to work... and that was the happiest time, because she had her own money and work friends.

SaHMs, and their families, are very vulnerable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you want and what feels good for you in your relationship.

I always liked working. I derive satisfaction from working. I didn't derive much satisfaction from being a full time mom (which I essentially did for 3 years - though always was technically employed at the time, for purposes of keeping my resume fresh).

I hear a lot of women on this forum say that their husbands always continued to treat them as the same equal when they stayed home. That's great! In my case, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to the kind of guy who had the same respect for a sahm wife as he would have for a working wife. Because honestly that means he probably didn't put a whole lot of value in the accomplishments of a working wife. I have accomplished a lot in my career and education. It really is harder and more interesting than baby raising. So if a guy was like "my opinions of you won't change based on whether you continue working or not"..... . that's kind of weird, and not the guy for me. Consequently, my DH is very attracted to my professional success; we definitely weren't as connected or have the same energy when I wasn't working. But again - your DH and your relationship may be different, so you do you.

I am a career woman who also was SAH for a few years. It's the opposite to me: "career" in dmv area is just pushing papers and moving funds from point A to point B. Parenting to young kids is far more difficult and importnant, and I would never be attracted to a man who didnt consider parenting as equal as working a full time job.
It IS a FT job!

This^. If its not a full time job then what are daycare workers and day and night nannies getting paid for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you want and what feels good for you in your relationship.

I always liked working. I derive satisfaction from working. I didn't derive much satisfaction from being a full time mom (which I essentially did for 3 years - though always was technically employed at the time, for purposes of keeping my resume fresh).

I hear a lot of women on this forum say that their husbands always continued to treat them as the same equal when they stayed home. That's great! In my case, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to the kind of guy who had the same respect for a sahm wife as he would have for a working wife. Because honestly that means he probably didn't put a whole lot of value in the accomplishments of a working wife. I have accomplished a lot in my career and education. It really is harder and more interesting than baby raising. So if a guy was like "my opinions of you won't change based on whether you continue working or not"..... . that's kind of weird, and not the guy for me. Consequently, my DH is very attracted to my professional success; we definitely weren't as connected or have the same energy when I wasn't working. But again - your DH and your relationship may be different, so you do you.

I am a career woman who also was SAH for a few years. It's the opposite to me: "career" in dmv area is just pushing papers and moving funds from point A to point B. Parenting to young kids is far more difficult and importnant, and I would never be attracted to a man who didnt consider parenting as equal as working a full time job.
It IS a FT job!

This^. If its not a full time job then what are daycare workers and day and night nannies getting paid for?

And they don't even have to do any household chores or planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a risk, and saying it isn’t is lying. How long have you been married? At 20 years you would be entitled to alimony as a SAHP in many states, but if less you can be out with nothing. Do you have assets that are not co-mingled and solely in your name? How do your retirement accounts look?

That’s the financial implications.

On the family implications, the studies are pretty clear that being raised by SAHM’s means girls will earn less money. That may or may not be fine with you. Anecdotally, it impacts how much respect boys will have for women but the data is less clear. What will this mean for your children’s education? Will they still go to camp?

And then the relationship implications. This depends on your spouse. If his attraction to you is predicated on you having a really interesting and dynamic life away from the marriage than yeah, it’s going to be a struggle in the toddler years. Different strokes for different folks.

NP. Can you please provide links for these studies you mention? I tend to be skeptical when studies get mentioned but aren't provided. And I would question how old that information is re: "being raised by SAHMs means girls will earn less money." That's a pretty sweeping conclusion and surely involves a lot of variables. Same re: how much "respect boys wiil have for women" -- are you implying that boys supposedly have less respect for women if their mother is SAH? Again, sweeping and extremely generalized. Which is why I'm wondering about the specific sources, dates, and methodologies of these "studies." If they were conducted over long periods, by reputable, objective social scientists in scientifically valid and replicable ways, that's one thing. If they're by organizations with agendas behind them, that's entirely different. And I say the same about any study on any subject cited without links on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you have a work history and only do it for a few years, you’ll be okay.

I took 7 years off and then again 2 during the pandemic. After which I decided to separate. It has been really difficult and there has been financial abuse and I had no one else to turn to for help (including my parents).

So I recommend you have access to an emergency fund, have a 401k for your SAH years with DH contributing, and have your own account(s) and cards. Keep your resume up to date, stay relevant.

This, OP. My mother was SAHM and my father used that advantage to be cruel.

The family was also very stressed when my father lost his good job and had to take menial work. Then my mother had to go back to work... and that was the happiest time, because she had her own money and work friends.

SaHMs, and their families, are very vulnerable.

I'm genuinely sorry about your family's situation, but your individual experience does not constitute a universal truth to be applied to all families. Sadly, if your father was inclined toward cruelty, he would have found a way to exercise that cruelty no matter what, even if your mother hadn't been an SAHM.

[Anonymous]

I have three kids ten and under and I left the workforce when baby #2 arrived. I certainly think about the ramifications of being totally dependent on my husbands income despite us having a happy marriage. I have a skill I hope to use when my youngest is in school full time but it will not likely generate a ton of money. I am blessed to have very generous and astute parents who recently set up a special “retirement” account for me to deal with the reliant on husband income issue. Hopefully I won’t need to use it until we retire but it’s a relief to know it’s there. This special account is not considered a marital asset. I know I am very lucky.

[Anonymous]

From the other side of the SAHM years -- with a now young adult child: I left my career 22 years ago and never went back, though I have worked freelance from home. Not for a living, but for some extra money (not one penny of which my DH has ever asked about or asked for). And only when and as I wanted, absolutely not the equivalent of FT or even regular PT work. Zero regrets. My field is an exciting one and I loved it, but it was already changing when I left it and has changed radically since then; I couldn't have gone back if I'd wanted to, and that's fine. I am a terrible homemaker, so no perfect, clean house; my DH does not earn what many on DCUM would consider a great salary; the "lifestyle" is not what many on DCUM would consider sufficient, though we're fine for retirement. But I suspect the real difference is that the marriage was and is strong, and gets stronger as we get older. Everything we have is ours, together, and always has been, and DH is always so appreciative of the fact I could be involved in DC's activities and schools. DH has been, too, even while working.

It's interesting to see how many women here seem to have in the backs of their minds the idea that "We could divorce someday so I'd better be prepared for that." Maybe it's generational, because I'm 60, have very, very few friends who have divorced so we didn't see a spate of divorces in the 40s age range when we hit that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family consists of husband, mom( me), toddler, and newborn. I had a great situation with my first - 16 weeks mat leave + ability to work PT until 6 months. I’m now at a new company and will only have 12 weeks mat leave + no option to scale back on work. I’ve been contemplating quitting my job to stay him for the next several years but the idea is worrisome. I full trust my husband, but I’ve never been financially dependent on anyone. My other concerns are being out of work too long, the economy, and becoming less of myself. We have been fortunate enough to live off my husband’s salary, while stocking mine away for a situation just like this one. What have you done? As a woman, did you feel secure enough to be provided for by your husband?

I chose to keep working very PT, just so I could have a little bit of money that was earned by me. Tremendous difference in how it felt. Having a resume with no gaps also allowed me to ramp up when my kids entered school.

By very PT, I'm talking about 10-15 hours per week starting when the kids were 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you have a work history and only do it for a few years, you’ll be okay.

I took 7 years off and then again 2 during the pandemic. After which I decided to separate. It has been really difficult and there has been financial abuse and I had no one else to turn to for help (including my parents).

So I recommend you have access to an emergency fund, have a 401k for your SAH years with DH contributing, and have your own account(s) and cards. Keep your resume up to date, stay relevant.

This, OP. My mother was SAHM and my father used that advantage to be cruel.

The family was also very stressed when my father lost his good job and had to take menial work. Then my mother had to go back to work... and that was the happiest time, because she had her own money and work friends.

SaHMs, and their families, are very vulnerable.

I'm genuinely sorry about your family's situation, but your individual experience does not constitute a universal truth to be applied to all families. Sadly, if your father was inclined toward cruelty, he would have found a way to exercise that cruelty no matter what, even if your mother hadn't been an SAHM.

But she would have had options. When I begged her to leave him when I was a child, she told me we couldn't, because we had no money and nowhere to go.

Surely you can see this truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you have a work history and only do it for a few years, you’ll be okay.

I took 7 years off and then again 2 during the pandemic. After which I decided to separate. It has been really difficult and there has been financial abuse and I had no one else to turn to for help (including my parents).

So I recommend you have access to an emergency fund, have a 401k for your SAH years with DH contributing, and have your own account(s) and cards. Keep your resume up to date, stay relevant.

This, OP. My mother was SAHM and my father used that advantage to be cruel.

The family was also very stressed when my father lost his good job and had to take menial work. Then my mother had to go back to work... and that was the happiest time, because she had her own money and work friends.

SaHMs, and their families, are very vulnerable.

I'm genuinely sorry about your family's situation, but your individual experience does not constitute a universal truth to be applied to all families. Sadly, if your father was inclined toward cruelty, he would have found a way to exercise that cruelty no matter what, even if your mother hadn't been an SAHM.

Agree. The dynamic within a marriage is far more important than who earns what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My concern is that I wouldn’t return to work. There’s no easy time to work or return to work arguably leaving a young baby can be just as difficult as leaving a 3 or 4 year old. The women I’ve known who took time off spent years out of the workforce and struggled to return or never did. There was always an excuse about why they can’t work and it’s possible they needed to justify it. I think it put their families at a disadvantage and they incorrectly thought it was better for their children.

It’s also not considering that working is fairly easy. We’ve never lived in a safer world or had easier jobs. Someone 100 years ago would be shocked you can sit in a climate controlled office and use a computer and earn a six figure salary with paid vacation, healthcare, retirement savings etc. I personally have a difficult time passing this up.

Who’s to say it wasn’t better for their children? That’s a weird judgment. Every family is different. You also sound very privileged: plenty of people don’t make six figures.

When Dh and I got married, we were surrounded by many dual successful couples whose kids didn’t turn out so great. These are families where both the husband and wife were at the top of their fields and were not home much. They survived with multiple nannies. These were extreme examples but we knew that was not for us. I cut down from a high demanding job to a lateral less paying 9-5 job. I then moved to part time and eventually stopped working. I get to spend all day with my children.

This was us too. We paid attention and dint' like what we were seeing among couple with careers like ours. From our point of view, there was far more stability in families with a better balance and more time than money. IF you can have dual careers and still a lot of time for family, it can work. Our field was not like that at all when our kids were being born. Lots of kid problems, lots of divorce among the dual high-powered families.