Are there ramifications for being a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

don't do it unless you have like $10m saved/ net worth and theoretically accessible.
I have one friend who did this and her dh got dx with advanced cancer and now she is having to try to resurrect her career while trying to keep him alive and be there for her kids.
6 women I know lost their dh's to sudden heart attacks in the last 3y.
look at the story of the woman who just got excoriated on tiktok for sending her kids to summer camp (dh died in 30s)
you never want to be in a situation where you need to resurrect a career STAT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:don't do it unless you have like $10m saved/ net worth and theoretically accessible.
I have one friend who did this and her dh got dx with advanced cancer and now she is having to try to resurrect her career while trying to keep him alive and be there for her kids.
6 women I know lost their dh's to sudden heart attacks in the last 3y.
look at the story of the woman who just got excoriated on tiktok for sending her kids to summer camp (dh died in 30s)
you never want to be in a situation where you need to resurrect a career STAT.

There’s this thing called…life insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a risk, and saying it isn’t is lying. How long have you been married? At 20 years you would be entitled to alimony as a SAHP in many states, but if less you can be out with nothing. Do you have assets that are not co-mingled and solely in your name? How do your retirement accounts look?

That’s the financial implications.

On the family implications, the studies are pretty clear that being raised by SAHM’s means girls will earn less money. That may or may not be fine with you. Anecdotally, it impacts how much respect boys will have for women but the data is less clear. What will this mean for your children’s education? Will they still go to camp?

And then the relationship implications. This depends on your spouse. If his attraction to you is predicated on you having a really interesting and dynamic life away from the marriage than yeah, it’s going to be a struggle in the toddler years. Different strokes for different folks.

NP. Can you please provide links for these studies you mention? I tend to be skeptical when studies get mentioned but aren't provided. And I would question how old that information is re: "being raised by SAHMs means girls will earn less money." That's a pretty sweeping conclusion and surely involves a lot of variables. Same re: how much "respect boys wiil have for women" -- are you implying that boys supposedly have less respect for women if their mother is SAH? Again, sweeping and extremely generalized. Which is why I'm wondering about the specific sources, dates, and methodologies of these "studies." If they were conducted over long periods, by reputable, objective social scientists in scientifically valid and replicable ways, that's one thing. If they're by organizations with agendas behind them, that's entirely different. And I say the same about any study on any subject cited without links on DCUM.

Of course watching one person spend their day cleaning bathtubs, and vacuuming, and changing diapers vs getting dressed up, have a nice office and secretary and perks (like a driver or work travel) is going to impact what children think about male vs female capabilities and value. It just will.

I think child care is super impactful, and it was my most important job. But children see the literal tasks and working conditions that each gender takes on (not the nuanced social contribution). That leaves a mark on their perceptions.

https://www.hbs.edu/news/releases/Pages/having-working-mother.aspx

Wow this is interesting. My fave part:

"Of U.S. men surveyed, those who had working mothers spent nearly twice as many hours on family and child care as those hailing from more traditional households – a weekly average of 16 hours compared to 8 1/2 hours."

This has been my experience actually. Men who grew up with SAHMs expect women to do wayyy more of the housework/child caring - likely because their own fathers were very uninvolved. Men who grew up with working moms saw their dad doing much more, since mom/dad split chores and caring more evenly. I'm very glad my husband grew up with a working mom

Another benefit I had not considered!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a risk, and saying it isn’t is lying. How long have you been married? At 20 years you would be entitled to alimony as a SAHP in many states, but if less you can be out with nothing. Do you have assets that are not co-mingled and solely in your name? How do your retirement accounts look?

That’s the financial implications.

On the family implications, the studies are pretty clear that being raised by SAHM’s means girls will earn less money. That may or may not be fine with you. Anecdotally, it impacts how much respect boys will have for women but the data is less clear. What will this mean for your children’s education? Will they still go to camp?

And then the relationship implications. This depends on your spouse. If his attraction to you is predicated on you having a really interesting and dynamic life away from the marriage than yeah, it’s going to be a struggle in the toddler years. Different strokes for different folks.

NP. Can you please provide links for these studies you mention? I tend to be skeptical when studies get mentioned but aren't provided. And I would question how old that information is re: "being raised by SAHMs means girls will earn less money." That's a pretty sweeping conclusion and surely involves a lot of variables. Same re: how much "respect boys wiil have for women" -- are you implying that boys supposedly have less respect for women if their mother is SAH? Again, sweeping and extremely generalized. Which is why I'm wondering about the specific sources, dates, and methodologies of these "studies." If they were conducted over long periods, by reputable, objective social scientists in scientifically valid and replicable ways, that's one thing. If they're by organizations with agendas behind them, that's entirely different. And I say the same about any study on any subject cited without links on DCUM.

Of course watching one person spend their day cleaning bathtubs, and vacuuming, and changing diapers vs getting dressed up, have a nice office and secretary and perks (like a driver or work travel) is going to impact what children think about male vs female capabilities and value. It just will.

I think child care is super impactful, and it was my most important job. But children see the literal tasks and working conditions that each gender takes on (not the nuanced social contribution). That leaves a mark on their perceptions.

The great majority of the SAHMs I knew when I was a SAHM with preschool children returned to work when the kids were in elementary school, including myself. My kids know I was at home when they were little but don't really remember it. They know me more as a working mom.
You can do different things throughout your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a risk, and saying it isn’t is lying. How long have you been married? At 20 years you would be entitled to alimony as a SAHP in many states, but if less you can be out with nothing. Do you have assets that are not co-mingled and solely in your name? How do your retirement accounts look?

That’s the financial implications.

On the family implications, the studies are pretty clear that being raised by SAHM’s means girls will earn less money. That may or may not be fine with you. Anecdotally, it impacts how much respect boys will have for women but the data is less clear. What will this mean for your children’s education? Will they still go to camp?

And then the relationship implications. This depends on your spouse. If his attraction to you is predicated on you having a really interesting and dynamic life away from the marriage than yeah, it’s going to be a struggle in the toddler years. Different strokes for different folks.

NP. Can you please provide links for these studies you mention? I tend to be skeptical when studies get mentioned but aren't provided. And I would question how old that information is re: "being raised by SAHMs means girls will earn less money." That's a pretty sweeping conclusion and surely involves a lot of variables. Same re: how much "respect boys wiil have for women" -- are you implying that boys supposedly have less respect for women if their mother is SAH? Again, sweeping and extremely generalized. Which is why I'm wondering about the specific sources, dates, and methodologies of these "studies." If they were conducted over long periods, by reputable, objective social scientists in scientifically valid and replicable ways, that's one thing. If they're by organizations with agendas behind them, that's entirely different. And I say the same about any study on any subject cited without links on DCUM.

Of course watching one person spend their day cleaning bathtubs, and vacuuming, and changing diapers vs getting dressed up, have a nice office and secretary and perks (like a driver or work travel) is going to impact what children think about male vs female capabilities and value. It just will.

I think child care is super impactful, and it was my most important job. But children see the literal tasks and working conditions that each gender takes on (not the nuanced social contribution). That leaves a mark on their perceptions.

https://www.hbs.edu/news/releases/Pages/having-working-mother.aspx

Wow this is interesting. My fave part:

"Of U.S. men surveyed, those who had working mothers spent nearly twice as many hours on family and child care as those hailing from more traditional households – a weekly average of 16 hours compared to 8 1/2 hours."

This has been my experience actually. Men who grew up with SAHMs expect women to do wayyy more of the housework/child caring - likely because their own fathers were very uninvolved. Men who grew up with working moms saw their dad doing much more, since mom/dad split chores and caring more evenly. I'm very glad my husband grew up with a working mom

Another benefit I had not considered!

+1. Honestly, I was totally on board with OP staying home until I saw that she has two sons. And then I was like no way. I was surprised that I had that reaction. But this is why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a risk, and saying it isn’t is lying. How long have you been married? At 20 years you would be entitled to alimony as a SAHP in many states, but if less you can be out with nothing. Do you have assets that are not co-mingled and solely in your name? How do your retirement accounts look?

That’s the financial implications.

On the family implications, the studies are pretty clear that being raised by SAHM’s means girls will earn less money. That may or may not be fine with you. Anecdotally, it impacts how much respect boys will have for women but the data is less clear. What will this mean for your children’s education? Will they still go to camp?

And then the relationship implications. This depends on your spouse. If his attraction to you is predicated on you having a really interesting and dynamic life away from the marriage than yeah, it’s going to be a struggle in the toddler years. Different strokes for different folks.

NP. Can you please provide links for these studies you mention? I tend to be skeptical when studies get mentioned but aren't provided. And I would question how old that information is re: "being raised by SAHMs means girls will earn less money." That's a pretty sweeping conclusion and surely involves a lot of variables. Same re: how much "respect boys wiil have for women" -- are you implying that boys supposedly have less respect for women if their mother is SAH? Again, sweeping and extremely generalized. Which is why I'm wondering about the specific sources, dates, and methodologies of these "studies." If they were conducted over long periods, by reputable, objective social scientists in scientifically valid and replicable ways, that's one thing. If they're by organizations with agendas behind them, that's entirely different. And I say the same about any study on any subject cited without links on DCUM.

Of course watching one person spend their day cleaning bathtubs, and vacuuming, and changing diapers vs getting dressed up, have a nice office and secretary and perks (like a driver or work travel) is going to impact what children think about male vs female capabilities and value. It just will.

I think child care is super impactful, and it was my most important job. But children see the literal tasks and working conditions that each gender takes on (not the nuanced social contribution). That leaves a mark on their perceptions.

The great majority of the SAHMs I knew when I was a SAHM with preschool children returned to work when the kids were in elementary school, including myself. My kids know I was at home when they were little but don't really remember it. They know me more as a working mom.
You can do different things throughout your life.

+1. Being a SAHM for part of your kid’s childhood doesn’t mean you are foresaking paid work for the rest of your life….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With 40-50% of marriages ending in divorce financial security is a huge issue for a SAHM. You need to get very involved with your family finances and goal setting. You need to know where the money is and how it’s invested. Make sure to have a high family savings rate to build your net worth well beyond the equity value in your home.

This!
Any woman working or not, who leaves finances up to their husband without knowing where every penny is going is stupid. We have separate and joint accounts, and I balance the books monthly for ALL the joint accounts. I think he does the same in his spreadsheets. My books are accurate to the penny and I calculate and track NW. So important to be financially literate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a risk, and saying it isn’t is lying. How long have you been married? At 20 years you would be entitled to alimony as a SAHP in many states, but if less you can be out with nothing. Do you have assets that are not co-mingled and solely in your name? How do your retirement accounts look?

That’s the financial implications.

On the family implications, the studies are pretty clear that being raised by SAHM’s means girls will earn less money. That may or may not be fine with you. Anecdotally, it impacts how much respect boys will have for women but the data is less clear. What will this mean for your children’s education? Will they still go to camp?

And then the relationship implications. This depends on your spouse. If his attraction to you is predicated on you having a really interesting and dynamic life away from the marriage than yeah, it’s going to be a struggle in the toddler years. Different strokes for different folks.

NP. Can you please provide links for these studies you mention? I tend to be skeptical when studies get mentioned but aren't provided. And I would question how old that information is re: "being raised by SAHMs means girls will earn less money." That's a pretty sweeping conclusion and surely involves a lot of variables. Same re: how much "respect boys wiil have for women" -- are you implying that boys supposedly have less respect for women if their mother is SAH? Again, sweeping and extremely generalized. Which is why I'm wondering about the specific sources, dates, and methodologies of these "studies." If they were conducted over long periods, by reputable, objective social scientists in scientifically valid and replicable ways, that's one thing. If they're by organizations with agendas behind them, that's entirely different. And I say the same about any study on any subject cited without links on DCUM.

Of course watching one person spend their day cleaning bathtubs, and vacuuming, and changing diapers vs getting dressed up, have a nice office and secretary and perks (like a driver or work travel) is going to impact what children think about male vs female capabilities and value. It just will.

I think child care is super impactful, and it was my most important job. But children see the literal tasks and working conditions that each gender takes on (not the nuanced social contribution). That leaves a mark on their perceptions.

The great majority of the SAHMs I knew when I was a SAHM with preschool children returned to work when the kids were in elementary school, including myself. My kids know I was at home when they were little but don't really remember it. They know me more as a working mom.
You can do different things throughout your life.

+1. Being a SAHM for part of your kid’s childhood doesn’t mean you are foresaking paid work for the rest of your life….

Its always so weird when I read these threads. It is possible and common for SAHMs to return to the workforce. So a lot of "advice" is not applicable.

[Anonymous]

Are you educated and a professional woman in a decent job before becoming a SAHM? In that case, I can see it being harder to get back into the labor market at anything approaching your current/previous level.

DC job market is competitive -- there are a million educated, talented, smart people around. Why would someone hire someone else who'd been home for five years? You just wouldn't be very completive.

[Anonymous]

You'll be fine. Everyone in my circle has been a SAHW/M for 20+ years and is happy. We get lunch together, take trips occasionally, go to the same clubs ect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:don't do it unless you have like $10m saved/ net worth and theoretically accessible.
I have one friend who did this and her dh got dx with advanced cancer and now she is having to try to resurrect her career while trying to keep him alive and be there for her kids.
6 women I know lost their dh's to sudden heart attacks in the last 3y.
look at the story of the woman who just got excoriated on tiktok for sending her kids to summer camp (dh died in 30s)
you never want to be in a situation where you need to resurrect a career STAT.

I predict you and your friends all married much later in life (late 30s) and had your children soon after. Huge disadvantage. I was fortunately to marry well right off on my early 20s and get the child bearing out of the way early. Now late 40s and all the children are nearly fledged. Enjoying life as a SAHW/M and looking forward to Dh's retirement in the next year or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:don't do it unless you have like $10m saved/ net worth and theoretically accessible.
I have one friend who did this and her dh got dx with advanced cancer and now she is having to try to resurrect her career while trying to keep him alive and be there for her kids.
6 women I know lost their dh's to sudden heart attacks in the last 3y.
look at the story of the woman who just got excoriated on tiktok for sending her kids to summer camp (dh died in 30s)
you never want to be in a situation where you need to resurrect a career STAT.

There’s this thing called…life insurance.

Look at the details of your life insurance policy and you will find it sucks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:don't do it unless you have like $10m saved/ net worth and theoretically accessible.
I have one friend who did this and her dh got dx with advanced cancer and now she is having to try to resurrect her career while trying to keep him alive and be there for her kids.
6 women I know lost their dh's to sudden heart attacks in the last 3y.
look at the story of the woman who just got excoriated on tiktok for sending her kids to summer camp (dh died in 30s)
you never want to be in a situation where you need to resurrect a career STAT.

I predict you and your friends all married much later in life (late 30s) and had your children soon after. Huge disadvantage. I was fortunately to marry well right off on my early 20s and get the child bearing out of the way early. Now late 40s and all the children are nearly fledged. Enjoying life as a SAHW/M and looking forward to Dh's retirement in the next year or two.

???
I got married at 30 and so roughly speaking did all those people.
Retiring in 40s is weird. But you do you

[Anonymous]

It’s so dependent on money.

I’m a huge believer that I brought kids into the world and it’s not an easy world to be successful in so unless I can pay for college tuition in full and save enough to help them buy first home, then I have no business sitting on my *ss bc they didn’t ask to be born and I don’t want them to spend their lives desperately trying to claw their way onto the bottom rung of the real estate ladder.

If that also resonates with you then maximize your income up until such a point as you have all that covered plus your own retirement etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you educated and a professional woman in a decent job before becoming a SAHM? In that case, I can see it being harder to get back into the labor market at anything approaching your current/previous level.

DC job market is competitive -- there are a million educated, talented, smart people around. Why would someone hire someone else who'd been home for five years? You just wouldn't be very completive.

I had no problem returning to the workforce. I'm sure it varies by industry/role but this idea that it is impossible is outdated. I know several women who have done the same. We are in different industries but none of us had a problem finding a job after staying home for a period of time.