Are there ramifications for being a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not especially relevant if kids “like” daycare. Obviously it’s much better if they do but it can still be an undesirable setup in terms of cortisol control, emotional regulation, exposure to aggression, etc. It can dictate how effective your own parenting is. Try doing oh crap or RIE when your child is in a center and you’ll be undercut all day long.

Daycares also allow so little risky play (understandably!) and food and naps are all based on convenience. An individual caregiver—dad, nanny, grandma—can allow a child much more independence and autonomy. That matters for everything from anxiety prevention to gut health.

Parents also mistakenly believe that all the enrichment found in daycares matters. It doesn’t—a toddler doesn’t need to be shuffled from art to cooking to French in siloed stations.

You act like daycare is a behemoth

Good lord the extent that some women will go to to justify not working is insane. Work isn’t that bad you know

As any SAHP of small children can tell you, office work is far easier than caretaking. Women aren’t trying to avoid work. The SAH bashing on here is insane. I am convinced that 99% of women have such abominable levels of internalized misogyny that their heads would explode if they started to unpack it.

It's not that hard. My observation is that the people who claim it's so hard are incredibly self-absorbed at baseline, so the entire world not revolving around them and their TV shows, wine tastings, and nail appointments anymore is exhausting and frustrating. It's also why this same group acts like making a goddam doctor's appointment is so draining. They also do a lot of extra shit like your 2 year olds birthday party doesn't require embossed invitations and a photoshoot.

It depends on your personality. I found being at home much harder because I need lots of space and quiet and the constant interruptions of my thoughts and not being able to pee in peace or make my own schedule really got to me. I was fine if we could be out of the house on adventures but my children’s demands when we were at home were HARD. There was a lot of emotional disregulation at home on their parts and mine too. We all have ADHD and it was taxing AF. Conversely, I am amazing at my nonprofit job where I manage a team of 5. I do not feel stress compared to being at home and constantly feeling like I was doing a terrible job because there is no black and white good job, obvious and immediate results or happy clients.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not especially relevant if kids “like” daycare. Obviously it’s much better if they do but it can still be an undesirable setup in terms of cortisol control, emotional regulation, exposure to aggression, etc. It can dictate how effective your own parenting is. Try doing oh crap or RIE when your child is in a center and you’ll be undercut all day long.

Daycares also allow so little risky play (understandably!) and food and naps are all based on convenience. An individual caregiver—dad, nanny, grandma—can allow a child much more independence and autonomy. That matters for everything from anxiety prevention to gut health.

Parents also mistakenly believe that all the enrichment found in daycares matters. It doesn’t—a toddler doesn’t need to be shuffled from art to cooking to French in siloed stations.

You act like daycare is a behemoth

Good lord the extent that some women will go to to justify not working is insane. Work isn’t that bad you know

As any SAHP of small children can tell you, office work is far easier than caretaking. Women aren’t trying to avoid work. The SAH bashing on here is insane. I am convinced that 99% of women have such abominable levels of internalized misogyny that their heads would explode if they started to unpack it.

It's not that hard. My observation is that the people who claim it's so hard are incredibly self-absorbed at baseline, so the entire world not revolving around them and their TV shows, wine tastings, and nail appointments anymore is exhausting and frustrating. It's also why this same group acts like making a goddam doctor's appointment is so draining. They also do a lot of extra shit like your 2 year olds birthday party doesn't require embossed invitations and a photoshoot.

It depends on your personality. I found being at home much harder because I need lots of space and quiet and the constant interruptions of my thoughts and not being able to pee in peace or make my own schedule really got to me. I was fine if we could be out of the house on adventures but my children’s demands when we were at home were HARD. There was a lot of emotional disregulation at home on their parts and mine too. We all have ADHD and it was taxing AF. Conversely, I am amazing at my nonprofit job where I manage a team of 5. I do not feel stress compared to being at home and constantly feeling like I was doing a terrible job because there is no black and white good job, obvious and immediate results or happy clients.

It;s not that hard. Your issues are your own mismanaged ADHD and MH, not the caring of kids.

[Anonymous]

OP you asked for ramifications, and yes there are.

1. You will be contributing to the idea that women are supposed to stay home with the kids. That dad can't do it.

2. You are contributing to the idea that education and careers for girls/women are only a temporary thing until she gets married until she has babies.

3. Your career will likely never recover, that does not mean you will not go back to work, or that you will never be promoted, but it's unlikely you will have the career you could have had if you didn't take 5 + years off. You will be mommy tracked.

4. Your financial future and that of your family will be entirely dependent on your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family consists of husband, mom( me), toddler, and newborn. I had a great situation with my first - 16 weeks mat leave + ability to work PT until 6 months. I’m now at a new company and will only have 12 weeks mat leave + no option to scale back on work. I’ve been contemplating quitting my job to stay him for the next several years but the idea is worrisome. I full trust my husband, but I’ve never been financially dependent on anyone. My other concerns are being out of work too long, the economy, and becoming less of myself. We have been fortunate enough to live off my husband’s salary, while stocking mine away for a situation just like this one. What have you done? As a woman, did you feel secure enough to be provided for by your husband?

Yes I am extremely happy and fulfilled being a SAHM with adult children. My DH is 5 years from retirement.

Here is my own life experience and opinion -
- You have to keep the big picture in mind at all times.
- You have to trust your DH 200%
- You have to be financially protected for all situations
- You have to marry a loyal and honest person
- You have to have a solid marriage
- The family has to be without baggage and remain functional and united
- You have to be essential and valued
- You have to be frugal
- You have to be wise, skilled and empowered to make decisions and spend money
- You have to orchestrate the big wins for your family
- Your kids have to thrive and excel. Your DH has to thrive and excel. Your extended family has to thrive and excel.
- You have to have your own earned money in your IRA.
- You have to be educated, skilled and employable.

}Yes you're going to have to be completely dependent on your DH , this doesn't have to be a bad thing like illness or affairs as being implied by some, but it may change the picture of your life. For example it may mean you all have to pick up and move elsewhere, a way from family, friends, the perfect community and your dream house because the new location is where the best job is for DH; 's career and thus the financial future of your family.

[Anonymous]

I am on the other end - did stay home, went back PT at some point (two in MS, one in ES - it was a very flexable job), and went back FT once the youngest went to college. Now spouse is about to retire, and I am ramping up! It's all good, he will cook dinners and clean the house for a while, until I am ready to retire and join him. And, I still have flexibility, so we can visit the two still I college and the third, a young working adult, amd take family vacations as the kids schedules allow a s as they and we want.

I have no regrets about staying home with the kids. No regrets being the house the working moms dropped their kids at during the random days off, and where kids came on half days. I participated in many car pools (driving and having my kids driven), and volunteered at the kids school and with many of their activities. Absolutely no regrets!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so dependent on money.

I’m a huge believer that I brought kids into the world and it’s not an easy world to be successful in so unless I can pay for college tuition in full and save enough to help them buy first home, then I have no business sitting on my *ss bc they didn’t ask to be born and I don’t want them to spend their lives desperately trying to claw their way onto the bottom rung of the real estate ladder.

If that also resonates with you then maximize your income up until such a point as you have all that covered plus your own retirement etc

100% this.

If you staying home means your kids are going to later be buried with crippling student loan debt and then having to finance your elder care .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family consists of husband, mom( me), toddler, and newborn. I had a great situation with my first - 16 weeks mat leave + ability to work PT until 6 months. I’m now at a new company and will only have 12 weeks mat leave + no option to scale back on work. I’ve been contemplating quitting my job to stay him for the next several years but the idea is worrisome. I full trust my husband, but I’ve never been financially dependent on anyone. My other concerns are being out of work too long, the economy, and becoming less of myself. We have been fortunate enough to live off my husband’s salary, while stocking mine away for a situation just like this one. What have you done? As a woman, did you feel secure enough to be provided for by your husband?

I thin there can be huge ramifications on the financial health of the family if a parent chooses to be a SAH. However, if you are financially sound and can AFFORD a SAH parent, then there are enormous benefits to the whole family that can have lifelong positive impact. Obviously, all of it is also dependent on if the contribution of the SAH is considered essential and appreciated, and the marriage and family unit is also strong and functional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do what you want and what feels good for you in your relationship.

I always liked working. I derive satisfaction from working. I didn't derive much satisfaction from being a full time mom (which I essentially did for 3 years - though always was technically employed at the time, for purposes of keeping my resume fresh).

I hear a lot of women on this forum say that their husbands always continued to treat them as the same equal when they stayed home. That's great! In my case, I don't think I'd ever be attracted to the kind of guy who had the same respect for a sahm wife as he would have for a working wife. Because honestly that means he probably didn't put a whole lot of value in the accomplishments of a working wife. I have accomplished a lot in my career and education. It really is harder and more interesting than baby raising. So if a guy was like "my opinions of you won't change based on whether you continue working or not"..... . that's kind of weird, and not the guy for me. Consequently, my DH is very attracted to my professional success; we definitely weren't as connected or have the same energy when I wasn't working. But again - your DH and your relationship may be different, so you do you.

I am a career woman who also was SAH for a few years. It's the opposite to me: "career" in dmv area is just pushing papers and moving funds from point A to point B. Parenting to young kids is far more difficult and importnant, and I would never be attracted to a man who didnt consider parenting as equal as working a full time job.
It IS a FT job!

I totally agree. I work FT but I see most careers in the category as not as impactful as raising the next generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family consists of husband, mom( me), toddler, and newborn. I had a great situation with my first - 16 weeks mat leave + ability to work PT until 6 months. I’m now at a new company and will only have 12 weeks mat leave + no option to scale back on work. I’ve been contemplating quitting my job to stay him for the next several years but the idea is worrisome. I full trust my husband, but I’ve never been financially dependent on anyone. My other concerns are being out of work too long, the economy, and becoming less of myself. We have been fortunate enough to live off my husband’s salary, while stocking mine away for a situation just like this one. What have you done? As a woman, did you feel secure enough to be provided for by your husband?

Yes I am extremely happy and fulfilled being a SAHM with adult children. My DH is 5 years from retirement.

Here is my own life experience and opinion -
- You have to keep the big picture in mind at all times.
- You have to trust your DH 200%
- You have to be financially protected for all situations
- You have to marry a loyal and honest person
- You have to have a solid marriage
- The family has to be without baggage and remain functional and united
- You have to be essential and valued
- You have to be frugal
- You have to be wise, skilled and empowered to make decisions and spend money
- You have to orchestrate the big wins for your family
- Your kids have to thrive and excel. Your DH has to thrive and excel. Your extended family has to thrive and excel.
- You have to have your own earned money in your IRA.
- You have to be educated, skilled and employable.

You left off, You have to be lucky.

You have to do risk mitigation for all kinds of life situations regardless of if you are WOHM or SAHM. That is why I believe that every woman has to be WELL EDUCATED AND EMPLOYABLE. We also paid $$$$ in all kinds of INSURANCE so that if something bad happened it could be addressed and we would not be financially hurt. We also have maximized our real estate and education dollars by making some informed choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you asked for ramifications, and yes there are.

1. You will be contributing to the idea that women are supposed to stay home with the kids. That dad can't do it.

2. You are contributing to the idea that education and careers for girls/women are only a temporary thing until she gets married until she has babies.

3. Your career will likely never recover, that does not mean you will not go back to work, or that you will never be promoted, but it's unlikely you will have the career you could have had if you didn't take 5 + years off. You will be mommy tracked.

4. Your financial future and that of your family will be entirely dependent on your husband.

Ramification #2 seems a bit dramatic. My sisters and I were raised by a SAHM and we both work full time. People do what works for them

[Anonymous]

“If you SAH your daughters will think it’s okay to SAH.” Well…good? I mean, I think it’s okay to SAH, which is why I do it, I hope my kids agree with me.

[Anonymous]

If as a WOHM you are working just because --

- your DH will leave you one day
- you will become stupid at home
- your daughters will become SAHMs
- your DH will have an affair at office

Then ...yes, you should continue working.

[Anonymous]

I SAH for 13 years and now teach half day preschool for peanuts. I don’t think it’s as deep as everyone (on both sides) is saying.

- I wanted to SAH and we could afford it
- We are frugal, live below our means and save aggressively
- I fully trust my DH and he trusts me.
- We debated my going back full time when the kids were in ES, but it seemed complicated and I wouldn’t have made that much.

That’s pretty much the extent of it. It wasn’t some big complicated thing. Life is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I SAH for 13 years and now teach half day preschool for peanuts. I don’t think it’s as deep as everyone (on both sides) is saying.

- I wanted to SAH and we could afford it
- We are frugal, live below our means and save aggressively
- I fully trust my DH and he trusts me.
- We debated my going back full time when the kids were in ES, but it seemed complicated and I wouldn’t have made that much.

That’s pretty much the extent of it. It wasn’t some big complicated thing. Life is good.

Until it isn't.

Amazing amount of women have blinders on here, including OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I SAH for 13 years and now teach half day preschool for peanuts. I don’t think it’s as deep as everyone (on both sides) is saying.

- I wanted to SAH and we could afford it
- We are frugal, live below our means and save aggressively
- I fully trust my DH and he trusts me.
- We debated my going back full time when the kids were in ES, but it seemed complicated and I wouldn’t have made that much.

That’s pretty much the extent of it. It wasn’t some big complicated thing. Life is good.

Until it isn't.

Amazing amount of women have blinders on here, including OP

I keep all the books. If he leaves and takes half, I’m still good. No need to worry.