Equitable/reasonable division of care among siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you talk to the other sibling? They might think the Helpful Sibling is doing too much, taking on too much, stepped in when it wasn't 100% needed. Some siblings want to step in more than others at early stages.

Yes, everyone has talked with the unhelpful sibling—as a group, and individually.

Nobody stepped in too early/when help wasn’t needed.

The most helpful sibling isn’t controlling or doing anything that isn’t necessary.

I guess we are just stumped as to how the unhelpful sibling can justify leaving the work to the rest of us. I’m trying to get them involved and to realize they might be cut out from the family. At some point I won’t be able to fix things for the unhelpful one. I’m sad that the kids/cousins will be impacted by this.

Maybe your sibling is a narcissist like my brother is. He lives two hours driving distance from our parent who needs the most help, while I live on the opposite coast. I have been there for surgeries, doctors appts, have done meetings and doctors appts from here, etc. while he has not seen him for 5 years.

If my sister, who is not really helpful either, ever tried to broker peace with me, I would be livid and if she continued I would make a hard boundary because I don't need more mental drama when I'm doing enough already. Stop fighting with reality. He can be a deadbeat. While I can refuse to talk to him. Neither of us has to change. It's sad, but sometimes relationships are best left in the past.

[Anonymous]

OP, is this your mother or grandmother who needs help? I’m confused because there are references to both mom and grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the most common thing is that one sibling does 95% and the other does 5%, under duress.

That’s what I have observed.

Or: one sibling does 95% of everything. The other sibling's 5% consists of criticizing and second guessing what sibling #1 did.

[Anonymous]

I think it is quite possible that different personalities are at play here too. Most helpful sibling and OP likely have a love language of helping hands or whatever they call it. They think that showing love is done through acts of service. Thus, because unhelpful sibling is not doing these tasks, it reflects a lack of love for grandma.

Other sibling has a different love language and has no concept he is being judged like this (and I can almost guarantee it is a “he.”).

If you and helpful sibling want to have a relationship with unhelpful sibling, some self-reflection is going to be necessary to lose the judgment.

[Anonymous]

I think what you require the sibling "to do" is not a necessity. If your elderly parent or grandma is still wanting to go to a beauty salon, she isn't helpless. Where are her friends? Why is she computer illiterate? There are lots of suggestions (order groceries online, go by uber etc) that work, but for some reason you want the sibling to do things your way. I can see why there are disagreements.

[Anonymous]

It's adorable how many of you think that once a parent moves into assisted living or skilled nursing, that never need anything from their children.

I am from the future, and I am here to tell you that not everything can be outsourced. I know some of you don't believe it, but it's true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's adorable how many of you think that once a parent moves into assisted living or skilled nursing, that never need anything from their children.

I am from the future, and I am here to tell you that not everything can be outsourced. I know some of you don't believe it, but it's true.

I have been there, done that with parents, in laws, and two grandparents when I was young and they lived with my family of origin. Assisted living or skilled nursing care takes care of a lot, so you can relax a bit and spend some time just enjoying being with your elderly loved one. No, it doesn’t take everything off your plate, but it does take a lot.

With one of my in laws, we had the experience of one of the siblings being quite dramatic and making everything into a big emergency where all hands had to be on deck. Most of the time, the drama was unnecessary and that sibling was just trying to draw attention to herself and how very, very much she was doing, most of which, spoiler alert, was unnecessary. (Interestingly, that was the same sibling who tried to make a grab for the financially better parts of the estate.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's adorable how many of you think that once a parent moves into assisted living or skilled nursing, that never need anything from their children.

I am from the future, and I am here to tell you that not everything can be outsourced. I know some of you don't believe it, but it's true.

The nursing home had doctors, dentists and a hair salon on sight. They provided all food and everything. Yes, we had to visit, provide clothing and other things but it was far far less than the 24/7 care we provided before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the most common thing is that one sibling does 95% and the other does 5%, under duress.

That’s what I have observed.

Or: one sibling does 95% of everything. The other sibling's 5% consists of criticizing and second guessing what sibling #1 did.

My brother did a fair amount. He lived locally, was single, and had no kids. I lived far away and had young kids. If I had lived locally, I would've probably done more than my brother and more consistently. But I didn't, so I kept those comments to myself. I focused on the areas where I had the best skills than come in for long stints when I could sit at SSA, etc for hours when I could line up coverage, get a break from work, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP-what are the genders of the siblings involved ?

Are their spouses having influence?

Just curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-what are the genders of the siblings involved ?

Are their spouses having influence?

Just curious.

Gender doesn’t matter.

Spouses shouldn’t matter.

You either do the right thing to help care for your parents as they age, or you don’t. If you opt out, your siblings have every right to be upset.

[Anonymous]

Nonsense. "Help care for your parents" is as unclear term as it gets. Making sure a parent has food to eat versus taking them to a beauty salon to get nails done is very different. If someone decides to make their lives all about an elderly parent for whatever reason, then it's up to them, but it's ridiculous to complain about siblings not helping in caretaking, when the "caretaking" is about taking the parent to a beauty salon, as the OP complains about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nonsense. "Help care for your parents" is as unclear term as it gets. Making sure a parent has food to eat versus taking them to a beauty salon to get nails done is very different. If someone decides to make their lives all about an elderly parent for whatever reason, then it's up to them, but it's ridiculous to complain about siblings not helping in caretaking, when the "caretaking" is about taking the parent to a beauty salon, as the OP complains about.

Of course it’s unclear when you don’t care to find out what’s needed. Here’s some of what I’ve done for my dad. I live on the opposite coast. My brother lives 2 hours away and refuses to help, or even visit.

—Talk with doctors and specialists
—Order meal service
—Work with memory care pre-surgery
—Help coordinate coverage after surgery
—Attend surgery and take to ER in middle of night with complications
—Assist with contractors on making bathroom ADA accessible
—Talking with social worker to determine next steps
—Organize financial papers and make sure his wife knows how to pay all the bills, and make a budget
—Meeting w social worker to determine paperwork and next steps
—Submitting medical POA with all doctors
—Talking with my dad about his POLST decisions and placing around house
—Answer questions from caregivers
—Make a caregiver binder after he lost his longterm one, so he had 6 two months
—Pay for part of bathroom remodel and meals and any items he needs
—Advocate for him with surgeon and doctors
—Manage cat peeing all over house
—And, yes, made sure his caregiver took him to get a haircut.

This doesn’t even scratch the surface, because he can be home alone for up to 2-3 hour and hasn’t totally lost memory. So, so many people are doing 10x this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nonsense. "Help care for your parents" is as unclear term as it gets. Making sure a parent has food to eat versus taking them to a beauty salon to get nails done is very different. If someone decides to make their lives all about an elderly parent for whatever reason, then it's up to them, but it's ridiculous to complain about siblings not helping in caretaking, when the "caretaking" is about taking the parent to a beauty salon, as the OP complains about.

Why is the salon hitting a nerve?

If your elderly mom no longer drives and is starting to decline, then she will need all kinds of help…particularly if the goal is to age in place…at least initially.

If the good siblings are stepping up to do the heavy lift and all that is left to do…or the only things that can be scheduled around the unhelpful sibling’s schedule are things like a trip to the salon (because even the elderly need a haircut every now and then), then why is that so problematic to you?

Doesn’t matter anyway.

The unhelpful sibling has made it clear they are too busy to do anything remotely helpful. They recently stopped by her home unannounced and empty handed. When a sibling gently suggested it would have been helpful to have a heads up because they could have picked up her medication at the pharmacy (which was on their way) and saved them a trip, they came back with, “Well I brought in the mail so that saved a trip.”

Needless to say, we are so done with our clueless sibling. It almost feels like a big F you to us at this point.

If you want to defend this behavior, go ahead. No rational person will agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nonsense. "Help care for your parents" is as unclear term as it gets. Making sure a parent has food to eat versus taking them to a beauty salon to get nails done is very different. If someone decides to make their lives all about an elderly parent for whatever reason, then it's up to them, but it's ridiculous to complain about siblings not helping in caretaking, when the "caretaking" is about taking the parent to a beauty salon, as the OP complains about.

Of course it’s unclear when you don’t care to find out what’s needed. Here’s some of what I’ve done for my dad. I live on the opposite coast. My brother lives 2 hours away and refuses to help, or even visit.

—Talk with doctors and specialists
—Order meal service
—Work with memory care pre-surgery
—Help coordinate coverage after surgery
—Attend surgery and take to ER in middle of night with complications
—Assist with contractors on making bathroom ADA accessible
—Talking with social worker to determine next steps
—Organize financial papers and make sure his wife knows how to pay all the bills, and make a budget
—Meeting w social worker to determine paperwork and next steps
—Submitting medical POA with all doctors
—Talking with my dad about his POLST decisions and placing around house
—Answer questions from caregivers
—Make a caregiver binder after he lost his longterm one, so he had 6 two months
—Pay for part of bathroom remodel and meals and any items he needs
—Advocate for him with surgeon and doctors
—Manage cat peeing all over house
—And, yes, made sure his caregiver took him to get a haircut.

This doesn’t even scratch the surface, because he can be home alone for up to 2-3 hour and hasn’t totally lost memory. So, so many people are doing 10x this.

+1

The unhelpful siblings aren’t just clueless…they are selfish.