Equitable/reasonable division of care among siblings

[Anonymous]

Reading your recent answers I've come to realize that it isn't really about helping mom, but it's about some long time resentment you've built towards your sibling. It seems you haven't communicated for a long time (sibling showing up empty handed over the years) and have resorted to passive aggressive behavior. If your mom lives by herself, cannot drive, cannot take uber, cannot get groceries or medicine... she should not be living by herself. People age in place when they're functional. The more you respond, the more it comes out your mom is not functional or independent, but left on her own, waiting for kids to do things that are necessary in daily life. I and several other PP don't understand why in these circumstances you don't get mom professional help, all of this is literally unsustainable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading your recent answers I've come to realize that it isn't really about helping mom, but it's about some long time resentment you've built towards your sibling. It seems you haven't communicated for a long time (sibling showing up empty handed over the years) and have resorted to passive aggressive behavior. If your mom lives by herself, cannot drive, cannot take uber, cannot get groceries or medicine... she should not be living by herself. People age in place when they're functional. The more you respond, the more it comes out your mom is not functional or independent, but left on her own, waiting for kids to do things that are necessary in daily life. I and several other PP don't understand why in these circumstances you don't get mom professional help, all of this is literally unsustainable.

DP and I completely agree.

I posted earlier about the love language problem. It is clear I was correct, that your love language is acts of service and you have mentally tied acts of service to love for you and your mom. Your unhelpful sibling does not share this. It is also clear you are not ready to hear or process this.

I get it, but you will not be ready to have a relationship with this sibling until you start to understand him. It is also clear this won’t go away because you will continue to be angry with your mom that your mom does not share your feelings, and you will be livid when things are left equally.

I don’t know if this is recoverable, but at least I warned you. That is all DCUM can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stand by the OP and I have a sibling across the country who flies out once a year if that. However he’s my support system, always answers when I call, lets me vent, works through tough decisions with me and he handles other aspects that I find truly helpful.

If he was local and he dropped the rope like the unhelpful sibling I’d be done. When you’re in the throes of caregiving and trying to juggle cats to keep your loved one in their own environment as long as possible it is the most stressful time. Lots of decisions and guilt and emotions. I’d probably try to have a conversation with worthless sibling that lays everything out. Give them a choice- are they in or are they out.

I truly don’t understand the venom on this forum sometimes. It seems like people argue and put down others just to argue.

The problem is, OP and her "helpful" sibling aren't just "juggling cats." They chose to add some running chainsaws and jugs of water in addition to the cats. Then they blame the "unhelpful sibling" for not wanting to jump in and juggle with them.

Such as?

You mean driving the old lady to medical appointments since she can no longer drive herself?

And dropping off her groceries and prescriptions because she can’t drive? Sure, you can get those things delivered, but ICYMI it’s important to periodically check on elderly people who live alone. A weekly or biweekly visit lets you eyeball the situation. Is she eating? Is she taking her meds? Is the house tidy? How does she seem?

And visiting your mom is a decent thing to do.

You fixated on driving her to get a haircut. It’s a weird place to draw a line in the sand. Do you cut your own hair or something? Older women tend to have short hair that require trims every month or so. It’s a quick thing.

There is more than one poster responding to you, I didn't "fixate" on anything or ever mention haircuts.

"Such as" realizing that what she really needs is to be in a residential facility if you want this full time coverage or actually PAY for a full time aid. Many posters have already told you this.

She doesn’t need FT coverage from her children.

Great! Then it should be easy enough for the "helpful" siblings to manage on their own!

Nope.

Because it isn’t fair for one sibling to do absolutely nothing while the rest do everything.

And it’s reasonable to be upset with a selfish, thoughtless, lazy sibling. They don’t care about us or our mother.

So why should we continue to engage them and help them?

I think we are done.

Yeah, this is pretty much a you issue. You want to be in charge and tell everyone what to do and you’re mad because one of your siblings is not allowing you to boss them around anymore. Maybe you’ve resented this sibling for years for some reason and now that you’ve the chance to lord it over them, they’re not playing the game, so you’ve resorted to name calling and next you’re going to shun them.

Have fun with that- some of us have been down this road and know where it leads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading your recent answers I've come to realize that it isn't really about helping mom, but it's about some long time resentment you've built towards your sibling. It seems you haven't communicated for a long time (sibling showing up empty handed over the years) and have resorted to passive aggressive behavior. If your mom lives by herself, cannot drive, cannot take uber, cannot get groceries or medicine... she should not be living by herself. People age in place when they're functional. The more you respond, the more it comes out your mom is not functional or independent, but left on her own, waiting for kids to do things that are necessary in daily life. I and several other PP don't understand why in these circumstances you don't get mom professional help, all of this is literally unsustainable.

DP and I completely agree.

I posted earlier about the love language problem. It is clear I was correct, that your love language is acts of service and you have mentally tied acts of service to love for you and your mom. Your unhelpful sibling does not share this. It is also clear you are not ready to hear or process this.

I get it, but you will not be ready to have a relationship with this sibling until you start to understand him. It is also clear this won’t go away because you will continue to be angry with your mom that your mom does not share your feelings, and you will be livid when things are left equally.

I don’t know if this is recoverable, but at least I warned you. That is all DCUM can do.

So wrong.

Nobody cares about the inheritance.

And the siblings were totally fine until mom needed help and everyone stepped up except one.

Ftr, you can’t force an adult into assisted living against their will. Perhaps you haven’t cared for an aging parent? Sometimes the decline is gradual. It’s not like flipping a switch; it’s a process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading your recent answers I've come to realize that it isn't really about helping mom, but it's about some long time resentment you've built towards your sibling. It seems you haven't communicated for a long time (sibling showing up empty handed over the years) and have resorted to passive aggressive behavior. If your mom lives by herself, cannot drive, cannot take uber, cannot get groceries or medicine... she should not be living by herself. People age in place when they're functional. The more you respond, the more it comes out your mom is not functional or independent, but left on her own, waiting for kids to do things that are necessary in daily life. I and several other PP don't understand why in these circumstances you don't get mom professional help, all of this is literally unsustainable.

DP and I completely agree.

I posted earlier about the love language problem. It is clear I was correct, that your love language is acts of service and you have mentally tied acts of service to love for you and your mom. Your unhelpful sibling does not share this. It is also clear you are not ready to hear or process this.

I get it, but you will not be ready to have a relationship with this sibling until you start to understand him. It is also clear this won’t go away because you will continue to be angry with your mom that your mom does not share your feelings, and you will be livid when things are left equally.

I don’t know if this is recoverable, but at least I warned you. That is all DCUM can do.

So wrong.

Nobody cares about the inheritance.

And the siblings were totally fine until mom needed help and everyone stepped up except one.

Ftr, you can’t force an adult into assisted living against their will. Perhaps you haven’t cared for an aging parent? Sometimes the decline is gradual. It’s not like flipping a switch; it’s a process.

Absolutely nothing you typed here is responsive in any way to what I typed.

In your last post, you said that not participating means your sibling doesn’t care about you or your mom. That alone says I am correct.

I didn’t say anything about assisted living, nor did the previous poster. I said nothing, she said “professional help” which can come in many forms, including grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, and taking her to the hair salon/senior center.

Is your mom getting out to socialize at all? She should be. It will help her mind.

I have been through this with several
Family members so I know what works, and family doing it all often means gaps in socialization and often sacrificing time for things like grocery shopping. Hire that stuff out, spend time with your mom and you won’t feel so stretched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading your recent answers I've come to realize that it isn't really about helping mom, but it's about some long time resentment you've built towards your sibling. It seems you haven't communicated for a long time (sibling showing up empty handed over the years) and have resorted to passive aggressive behavior. If your mom lives by herself, cannot drive, cannot take uber, cannot get groceries or medicine... she should not be living by herself. People age in place when they're functional. The more you respond, the more it comes out your mom is not functional or independent, but left on her own, waiting for kids to do things that are necessary in daily life. I and several other PP don't understand why in these circumstances you don't get mom professional help, all of this is literally unsustainable.

DP and I completely agree.

I posted earlier about the love language problem. It is clear I was correct, that your love language is acts of service and you have mentally tied acts of service to love for you and your mom. Your unhelpful sibling does not share this. It is also clear you are not ready to hear or process this.

I get it, but you will not be ready to have a relationship with this sibling until you start to understand him. It is also clear this won’t go away because you will continue to be angry with your mom that your mom does not share your feelings, and you will be livid when things are left equally.

I don’t know if this is recoverable, but at least I warned you. That is all DCUM can do.

So wrong.

Nobody cares about the inheritance.

And the siblings were totally fine until mom needed help and everyone stepped up except one.

Ftr, you can’t force an adult into assisted living against their will. Perhaps you haven’t cared for an aging parent? Sometimes the decline is gradual. It’s not like flipping a switch; it’s a process.

Absolutely nothing you typed here is responsive in any way to what I typed.

In your last post, you said that not participating means your sibling doesn’t care about you or your mom. That alone says I am correct.

I didn’t say anything about assisted living, nor did the previous poster. I said nothing, she said “professional help” which can come in many forms, including grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, and taking her to the hair salon/senior center.

Is your mom getting out to socialize at all? She should be. It will help her mind.

I have been through this with several
Family members so I know what works, and family doing it all often means gaps in socialization and often sacrificing time for things like grocery shopping. Hire that stuff out, spend time with your mom and you won’t feel so stretched.

And what exactly do you think it means when a sibling refuses to help at all?

We’ve hired help, but paid help doesn’t replace the need for children to keep tabs and check in.

How should one feel if their sibling never steps up when asked? I think it speaks volumes about their character and compassion—or lack thereof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stand by the OP and I have a sibling across the country who flies out once a year if that. However he’s my support system, always answers when I call, lets me vent, works through tough decisions with me and he handles other aspects that I find truly helpful.

If he was local and he dropped the rope like the unhelpful sibling I’d be done. When you’re in the throes of caregiving and trying to juggle cats to keep your loved one in their own environment as long as possible it is the most stressful time. Lots of decisions and guilt and emotions. I’d probably try to have a conversation with worthless sibling that lays everything out. Give them a choice- are they in or are they out.

I truly don’t understand the venom on this forum sometimes. It seems like people argue and put down others just to argue.

The problem is, OP and her "helpful" sibling aren't just "juggling cats." They chose to add some running chainsaws and jugs of water in addition to the cats. Then they blame the "unhelpful sibling" for not wanting to jump in and juggle with them.

Such as?

You mean driving the old lady to medical appointments since she can no longer drive herself?

And dropping off her groceries and prescriptions because she can’t drive? Sure, you can get those things delivered, but ICYMI it’s important to periodically check on elderly people who live alone. A weekly or biweekly visit lets you eyeball the situation. Is she eating? Is she taking her meds? Is the house tidy? How does she seem?

And visiting your mom is a decent thing to do.

You fixated on driving her to get a haircut. It’s a weird place to draw a line in the sand. Do you cut your own hair or something? Older women tend to have short hair that require trims every month or so. It’s a quick thing.

There is more than one poster responding to you, I didn't "fixate" on anything or ever mention haircuts.

"Such as" realizing that what she really needs is to be in a residential facility if you want this full time coverage or actually PAY for a full time aid. Many posters have already told you this.

She doesn’t need FT coverage from her children.

Great! Then it should be easy enough for the "helpful" siblings to manage on their own!

Nope.

Because it isn’t fair for one sibling to do absolutely nothing while the rest do everything.

And it’s reasonable to be upset with a selfish, thoughtless, lazy sibling. They don’t care about us or our mother.

So why should we continue to engage them and help them?

I think we are done.

Yeah, this is pretty much a you issue. You want to be in charge and tell everyone what to do and you’re mad because one of your siblings is not allowing you to boss them around anymore. Maybe you’ve resented this sibling for years for some reason and now that you’ve the chance to lord it over them, they’re not playing the game, so you’ve resorted to name calling and next you’re going to shun them.

Have fun with that- some of us have been down this road and know where it leads.

+1, I will not help at this point as my sibling and parent are a nightmare. They should have treated me better. Tired of the lies, accusation and bullying. I don't need to care for a parent under my siblings dictatorship. I offered to do it, was declined, they insisted on doing it for the money/stuff grab so I backed off and letting them do it and have everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading your recent answers I've come to realize that it isn't really about helping mom, but it's about some long time resentment you've built towards your sibling. It seems you haven't communicated for a long time (sibling showing up empty handed over the years) and have resorted to passive aggressive behavior. If your mom lives by herself, cannot drive, cannot take uber, cannot get groceries or medicine... she should not be living by herself. People age in place when they're functional. The more you respond, the more it comes out your mom is not functional or independent, but left on her own, waiting for kids to do things that are necessary in daily life. I and several other PP don't understand why in these circumstances you don't get mom professional help, all of this is literally unsustainable.

DP and I completely agree.

I posted earlier about the love language problem. It is clear I was correct, that your love language is acts of service and you have mentally tied acts of service to love for you and your mom. Your unhelpful sibling does not share this. It is also clear you are not ready to hear or process this.

I get it, but you will not be ready to have a relationship with this sibling until you start to understand him. It is also clear this won’t go away because you will continue to be angry with your mom that your mom does not share your feelings, and you will be livid when things are left equally.

I don’t know if this is recoverable, but at least I warned you. That is all DCUM can do.

This doesn't make sense. I'm the sibling who is the parental caregiver and my love language is gifts. Not acts of service, that I actually do. The entire point of love language philosophy is to figure out what the people you love and care about have as their love language, and then try to express it to them in a way that is meaningful to them. So, my brother would get some brownie points with me if he sent a gift of flowers or a massage to say thank you for being MIA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stand by the OP and I have a sibling across the country who flies out once a year if that. However he’s my support system, always answers when I call, lets me vent, works through tough decisions with me and he handles other aspects that I find truly helpful.

If he was local and he dropped the rope like the unhelpful sibling I’d be done. When you’re in the throes of caregiving and trying to juggle cats to keep your loved one in their own environment as long as possible it is the most stressful time. Lots of decisions and guilt and emotions. I’d probably try to have a conversation with worthless sibling that lays everything out. Give them a choice- are they in or are they out.

I truly don’t understand the venom on this forum sometimes. It seems like people argue and put down others just to argue.

The problem is, OP and her "helpful" sibling aren't just "juggling cats." They chose to add some running chainsaws and jugs of water in addition to the cats. Then they blame the "unhelpful sibling" for not wanting to jump in and juggle with them.

Such as?

You mean driving the old lady to medical appointments since she can no longer drive herself?

And dropping off her groceries and prescriptions because she can’t drive? Sure, you can get those things delivered, but ICYMI it’s important to periodically check on elderly people who live alone. A weekly or biweekly visit lets you eyeball the situation. Is she eating? Is she taking her meds? Is the house tidy? How does she seem?

And visiting your mom is a decent thing to do.

You fixated on driving her to get a haircut. It’s a weird place to draw a line in the sand. Do you cut your own hair or something? Older women tend to have short hair that require trims every month or so. It’s a quick thing.

There is more than one poster responding to you, I didn't "fixate" on anything or ever mention haircuts.

"Such as" realizing that what she really needs is to be in a residential facility if you want this full time coverage or actually PAY for a full time aid. Many posters have already told you this.

She doesn’t need FT coverage from her children.

Great! Then it should be easy enough for the "helpful" siblings to manage on their own!

Nope.

Because it isn’t fair for one sibling to do absolutely nothing while the rest do everything.

And it’s reasonable to be upset with a selfish, thoughtless, lazy sibling. They don’t care about us or our mother.

So why should we continue to engage them and help them?

I think we are done.

Yeah, this is pretty much a you issue. You want to be in charge and tell everyone what to do and you’re mad because one of your siblings is not allowing you to boss them around anymore. Maybe you’ve resented this sibling for years for some reason and now that you’ve the chance to lord it over them, they’re not playing the game, so you’ve resorted to name calling and next you’re going to shun them.

Have fun with that- some of us have been down this road and know where it leads.

+1, I will not help at this point as my sibling and parent are a nightmare. They should have treated me better. Tired of the lies, accusation and bullying. I don't need to care for a parent under my siblings dictatorship. I offered to do it, was declined, they insisted on doing it for the money/stuff grab so I backed off and letting them do it and have everything.

Sounds miserable, but that’s not the OP’s situation.

In fact, the unhelpful one was universally adored. The fun one. Spoiled. But our parents and all the siblings loved/love them.

They have no reason to feel abused or put upon.

And the siblings haven’t yelled or shown any aggression or ill will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a rational person and I agree with them

We've had 4 elders pass. There are many ways to help, not always the way other's dictate.

It’s not dictating when you ask for help and they always say they are too busy.

It’s not dictating when all expectations are out the window and have essentially devolved to “Gee, I wonder if they will bother to call or visit this month/this summer?”

Yet for whatever reason the unhelpful one and their spouse will be the first to text as a holiday approaches to ask what the plans are. Not because they ever want to host or offer to help, but simply so they can waltz in and enjoy the magical merriment orchestrated by the helpful siblings.

Anyone else have a sibling like this? It’s baffling how clueless some people can be.

Look, it has become so obvious that you and sibling #1 do not care for the other sibling, and pretty sure other sibling knows. You kind of sound like bullies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X? Maybe they need a specific task. Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something, they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.).

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving.

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

It sounds like the caregiving is too much work for your extended family to handle. Do you/your "helpful" sibling" really expect the other sibling's family to miss out on kids activities, skip their own medical appointments, etc.?

Of course not.

But the unhelpful sibling has a spouse.

There’s no reason for any of us to miss everything. When everyone takes turns, everyone wins.

The point is this one sibling always has an excuse and never helps.

If our parent has weekly pt plus other random appointments, everyone should volunteer to take a turn…or step up and cover something else.

I mean, everyone grocery shops, right? Why can’t they pick up the groceries once in a while? Why can’t they offer to prepare some meals?

The big thing is respite care. Why not offer to cover a week or weekend?

They should, but you can’t make them, so it doesn’t matter what an equitable division of duties is. It only matters what everyone is willing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading your recent answers I've come to realize that it isn't really about helping mom, but it's about some long time resentment you've built towards your sibling. It seems you haven't communicated for a long time (sibling showing up empty handed over the years) and have resorted to passive aggressive behavior. If your mom lives by herself, cannot drive, cannot take uber, cannot get groceries or medicine... she should not be living by herself. People age in place when they're functional. The more you respond, the more it comes out your mom is not functional or independent, but left on her own, waiting for kids to do things that are necessary in daily life. I and several other PP don't understand why in these circumstances you don't get mom professional help, all of this is literally unsustainable.

DP and I completely agree.

I posted earlier about the love language problem. It is clear I was correct, that your love language is acts of service and you have mentally tied acts of service to love for you and your mom. Your unhelpful sibling does not share this. It is also clear you are not ready to hear or process this.

I get it, but you will not be ready to have a relationship with this sibling until you start to understand him. It is also clear this won’t go away because you will continue to be angry with your mom that your mom does not share your feelings, and you will be livid when things are left equally.

I don’t know if this is recoverable, but at least I warned you. That is all DCUM can do.

So wrong.

Nobody cares about the inheritance.

And the siblings were totally fine until mom needed help and everyone stepped up except one.

Ftr, you can’t force an adult into assisted living against their will. Perhaps you haven’t cared for an aging parent? Sometimes the decline is gradual. It’s not like flipping a switch; it’s a process.

Absolutely nothing you typed here is responsive in any way to what I typed.

In your last post, you said that not participating means your sibling doesn’t care about you or your mom. That alone says I am correct.

I didn’t say anything about assisted living, nor did the previous poster. I said nothing, she said “professional help” which can come in many forms, including grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, and taking her to the hair salon/senior center.

Is your mom getting out to socialize at all? She should be. It will help her mind.

I have been through this with several
Family members so I know what works, and family doing it all often means gaps in socialization and often sacrificing time for things like grocery shopping. Hire that stuff out, spend time with your mom and you won’t feel so stretched.

And what exactly do you think it means when a sibling refuses to help at all?

We’ve hired help, but paid help doesn’t replace the need for children to keep tabs and check in.

How should one feel if their sibling never steps up when asked? I think it speaks volumes about their character and compassion—or lack thereof.

Yeah, it actually does. That's the whole point. Nobody here believes you are in the right. Why do you bother continuing to come back here? You are not going to get what you want out of this thread. It's quite obvious from your response here why your sibling is resentful enough not to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading your recent answers I've come to realize that it isn't really about helping mom, but it's about some long time resentment you've built towards your sibling. It seems you haven't communicated for a long time (sibling showing up empty handed over the years) and have resorted to passive aggressive behavior. If your mom lives by herself, cannot drive, cannot take uber, cannot get groceries or medicine... she should not be living by herself. People age in place when they're functional. The more you respond, the more it comes out your mom is not functional or independent, but left on her own, waiting for kids to do things that are necessary in daily life. I and several other PP don't understand why in these circumstances you don't get mom professional help, all of this is literally unsustainable.

DP and I completely agree.

I posted earlier about the love language problem. It is clear I was correct, that your love language is acts of service and you have mentally tied acts of service to love for you and your mom. Your unhelpful sibling does not share this. It is also clear you are not ready to hear or process this.

I get it, but you will not be ready to have a relationship with this sibling until you start to understand him. It is also clear this won’t go away because you will continue to be angry with your mom that your mom does not share your feelings, and you will be livid when things are left equally.

I don’t know if this is recoverable, but at least I warned you. That is all DCUM can do.

So wrong.

Nobody cares about the inheritance.

And the siblings were totally fine until mom needed help and everyone stepped up except one.

Ftr, you can’t force an adult into assisted living against their will. Perhaps you haven’t cared for an aging parent? Sometimes the decline is gradual. It’s not like flipping a switch; it’s a process.

Absolutely nothing you typed here is responsive in any way to what I typed.

In your last post, you said that not participating means your sibling doesn’t care about you or your mom. That alone says I am correct.

I didn’t say anything about assisted living, nor did the previous poster. I said nothing, she said “professional help” which can come in many forms, including grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, and taking her to the hair salon/senior center.

Is your mom getting out to socialize at all? She should be. It will help her mind.

I have been through this with several
Family members so I know what works, and family doing it all often means gaps in socialization and often sacrificing time for things like grocery shopping. Hire that stuff out, spend time with your mom and you won’t feel so stretched.

And what exactly do you think it means when a sibling refuses to help at all?

We’ve hired help, but paid help doesn’t replace the need for children to keep tabs and check in.

How should one feel if their sibling never steps up when asked? I think it speaks volumes about their character and compassion—or lack thereof.

Yeah, it actually does. That's the whole point. Nobody here believes you are in the right. Why do you bother continuing to come back here? You are not going to get what you want out of this thread. It's quite obvious from your response here why your sibling is resentful enough not to help.

DP. So you're fine with a caretaker totally taking over with no supervision? No checking to see if they're properly administering meds, and grooming, and not abusive or taking things from the home? Not getting any feedback from doctors visits? Not checking in with parent to see how they like the caregiver and how it's going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading your recent answers I've come to realize that it isn't really about helping mom, but it's about some long time resentment you've built towards your sibling. It seems you haven't communicated for a long time (sibling showing up empty handed over the years) and have resorted to passive aggressive behavior. If your mom lives by herself, cannot drive, cannot take uber, cannot get groceries or medicine... she should not be living by herself. People age in place when they're functional. The more you respond, the more it comes out your mom is not functional or independent, but left on her own, waiting for kids to do things that are necessary in daily life. I and several other PP don't understand why in these circumstances you don't get mom professional help, all of this is literally unsustainable.

DP and I completely agree.

I posted earlier about the love language problem. It is clear I was correct, that your love language is acts of service and you have mentally tied acts of service to love for you and your mom. Your unhelpful sibling does not share this. It is also clear you are not ready to hear or process this.

I get it, but you will not be ready to have a relationship with this sibling until you start to understand him. It is also clear this won’t go away because you will continue to be angry with your mom that your mom does not share your feelings, and you will be livid when things are left equally.

I don’t know if this is recoverable, but at least I warned you. That is all DCUM can do.

So wrong.

Nobody cares about the inheritance.

And the siblings were totally fine until mom needed help and everyone stepped up except one.

Ftr, you can’t force an adult into assisted living against their will. Perhaps you haven’t cared for an aging parent? Sometimes the decline is gradual. It’s not like flipping a switch; it’s a process.

Absolutely nothing you typed here is responsive in any way to what I typed.

In your last post, you said that not participating means your sibling doesn’t care about you or your mom. That alone says I am correct.

I didn’t say anything about assisted living, nor did the previous poster. I said nothing, she said “professional help” which can come in many forms, including grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, and taking her to the hair salon/senior center.

Is your mom getting out to socialize at all? She should be. It will help her mind.

I have been through this with several
Family members so I know what works, and family doing it all often means gaps in socialization and often sacrificing time for things like grocery shopping. Hire that stuff out, spend time with your mom and you won’t feel so stretched.

And what exactly do you think it means when a sibling refuses to help at all?

We’ve hired help, but paid help doesn’t replace the need for children to keep tabs and check in.

How should one feel if their sibling never steps up when asked? I think it speaks volumes about their character and compassion—or lack thereof.

Yeah, it actually does. That's the whole point. Nobody here believes you are in the right. Why do you bother continuing to come back here? You are not going to get what you want out of this thread. It's quite obvious from your response here why your sibling is resentful enough not to help.

DP. So you're fine with a caretaker totally taking over with no supervision? No checking to see if they're properly administering meds, and grooming, and not abusive or taking things from the home? Not getting any feedback from doctors visits? Not checking in with parent to see how they like the caregiver and how it's going?

Apparently some posters couldn’t care less about the well-being of their aging loved ones. This thread is rather eye opening.

Is it an American thing to just bail on the elderly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a rational person and I agree with them

We've had 4 elders pass. There are many ways to help, not always the way other's dictate.

It’s not dictating when you ask for help and they always say they are too busy.

It’s not dictating when all expectations are out the window and have essentially devolved to “Gee, I wonder if they will bother to call or visit this month/this summer?”

Yet for whatever reason the unhelpful one and their spouse will be the first to text as a holiday approaches to ask what the plans are. Not because they ever want to host or offer to help, but simply so they can waltz in and enjoy the magical merriment orchestrated by the helpful siblings.

Anyone else have a sibling like this? It’s baffling how clueless some people can be.

Look, it has become so obvious that you and sibling #1 do not care for the other sibling, and pretty sure other sibling knows. You kind of sound like bullies.

Hardly.

ICYMI: venting on dcum precisely to avoid losing it with a sibling who is blissfully unaware we are annoyed does not equate to bullying. Quite the opposite.

I suspect you skew unhelpful IRL.

Perhaps this thread will serve as a gentle nudge to try harder…or even just a tiny bit.