Equitable/reasonable division of care among siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X? Maybe they need a specific task. Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something, they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.).

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving.

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

It sounds like the caregiving is too much work for your extended family to handle. Do you/your "helpful" sibling" really expect the other sibling's family to miss out on kids activities, skip their own medical appointments, etc.?

Of course not.

But the unhelpful sibling has a spouse.

There’s no reason for any of us to miss everything. When everyone takes turns, everyone wins.

The point is this one sibling always has an excuse and never helps.

If our parent has weekly pt plus other random appointments, everyone should volunteer to take a turn…or step up and cover something else.

I mean, everyone grocery shops, right? Why can’t they pick up the groceries once in a while? Why can’t they offer to prepare some meals?

The big thing is respite care. Why not offer to cover a week or weekend?

Because they don't want to. And they don't have to.
None of you do.

And the line about how your unhelpful sibling "has a spouse" is just garbage. They are prioritizing their nuclear family and that is their prerogative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X? Maybe they need a specific task. Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something, they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.).

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving.

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

It sounds like the caregiving is too much work for your extended family to handle. Do you/your "helpful" sibling" really expect the other sibling's family to miss out on kids activities, skip their own medical appointments, etc.?

It sounds like the other siblings are doing this to a degree as well. Unhelpful Sibling is simply choosing to not contribute. It is their right. And then they are choosing to not have a good relationship with the other siblings.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you talk to the other sibling? They might think the Helpful Sibling is doing too much, taking on too much, stepped in when it wasn't 100% needed. Some siblings want to step in more than others at early stages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X? Maybe they need a specific task. Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something, they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.).

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving.

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

It sounds like the caregiving is too much work for your extended family to handle. Do you/your "helpful" sibling" really expect the other sibling's family to miss out on kids activities, skip their own medical appointments, etc.?

Of course not.

But the unhelpful sibling has a spouse.

There’s no reason for any of us to miss everything. When everyone takes turns, everyone wins.

The point is this one sibling always has an excuse and never helps.

If our parent has weekly pt plus other random appointments, everyone should volunteer to take a turn…or step up and cover something else.

I mean, everyone grocery shops, right? Why can’t they pick up the groceries once in a while? Why can’t they offer to prepare some meals?

The big thing is respite care. Why not offer to cover a week or weekend?

Because they don't want to. And they don't have to.
None of you do.

And the line about how your unhelpful sibling "has a spouse" is just garbage. They are prioritizing their nuclear family and that is their prerogative.

This is correct, and they are showing their own kids how to take care of their parents when the get older as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you talk to the other sibling? They might think the Helpful Sibling is doing too much, taking on too much, stepped in when it wasn't 100% needed. Some siblings want to step in more than others at early stages.

Yes, everyone has talked with the unhelpful sibling—as a group, and individually.

Nobody stepped in too early/when help wasn’t needed.

The most helpful sibling isn’t controlling or doing anything that isn’t necessary.

I guess we are just stumped as to how the unhelpful sibling can justify leaving the work to the rest of us. I’m trying to get them involved and to realize they might be cut out from the family. At some point I won’t be able to fix things for the unhelpful one. I’m sad that the kids/cousins will be impacted by this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X? Maybe they need a specific task. Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something, they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.).

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving.

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

It sounds like the caregiving is too much work for your extended family to handle. Do you/your "helpful" sibling" really expect the other sibling's family to miss out on kids activities, skip their own medical appointments, etc.?

It sounds like the other siblings are doing this to a degree as well. Unhelpful Sibling is simply choosing to not contribute. It is their right. And then they are choosing to not have a good relationship with the other siblings.

No, the other siblings are making that choice. “Unhelpful” sibling isnt trying to dictate what the others do/don’t do in regards to caring for the parents. He is letting them choose for themselves.
Help your parent if you want, or don’t—but if you let that interfere with your relationship with your sibling that’s on YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you talk to the other sibling? They might think the Helpful Sibling is doing too much, taking on too much, stepped in when it wasn't 100% needed. Some siblings want to step in more than others at early stages.

Yes, everyone has talked with the unhelpful sibling—as a group, and individually.

Nobody stepped in too early/when help wasn’t needed.

The most helpful sibling isn’t controlling or doing anything that isn’t necessary.

I guess we are just stumped as to how the unhelpful sibling can justify leaving the work to the rest of us. I’m trying to get them involved and to realize they might be cut out from the family. At some point I won’t be able to fix things for the unhelpful one. I’m sad that the kids/cousins will be impacted by this.

If you don’t want to do the work, then don’t. No one is forcing you to. Threatening to “cut them from the family” just makes you a bunch of bullies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X? Maybe they need a specific task. Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something, they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.).

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving.

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

It sounds like the caregiving is too much work for your extended family to handle. Do you/your "helpful" sibling" really expect the other sibling's family to miss out on kids activities, skip their own medical appointments, etc.?

Of course not.

But the unhelpful sibling has a spouse.

There’s no reason for any of us to miss everything. When everyone takes turns, everyone wins.

The point is this one sibling always has an excuse and never helps.

If our parent has weekly pt plus other random appointments, everyone should volunteer to take a turn…or step up and cover something else.

I mean, everyone grocery shops, right? Why can’t they pick up the groceries once in a while? Why can’t they offer to prepare some meals?

The big thing is respite care. Why not offer to cover a week or weekend?

Because they don't want to. And they don't have to.
None of you do.

And the line about how your unhelpful sibling "has a spouse" is just garbage. They are prioritizing their nuclear family and that is their prerogative.

?

All siblings have a spouse and kids. All but one have figured out how to pitch in and help by adjusting their schedule or relying on their spouse to handle the soccer practice while they spend one evening having dinner with their elderly parent (or whatever).

It’s not like anyone has been asked to cover care 24/7 for weeks on end. Our expectations are really low at this point.

Prioritizing the nuclear family? Whatever. All of us have a family. And this sibling is basically driving us away. I think they will regret it when everyone is celebrating family events and holidays, vacationing together, etc. and they aren’t included. Their kids will suffer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you talk to the other sibling? They might think the Helpful Sibling is doing too much, taking on too much, stepped in when it wasn't 100% needed. Some siblings want to step in more than others at early stages.

Yes, everyone has talked with the unhelpful sibling—as a group, and individually.

Nobody stepped in too early/when help wasn’t needed.

The most helpful sibling isn’t controlling or doing anything that isn’t necessary.

I guess we are just stumped as to how the unhelpful sibling can justify leaving the work to the rest of us. I’m trying to get them involved and to realize they might be cut out from the family. At some point I won’t be able to fix things for the unhelpful one. I’m sad that the kids/cousins will be impacted by this.

If you don’t want to do the work, then don’t. No one is forcing you to. Threatening to “cut them from the family” just makes you a bunch of bullies.

Says the Sibling who isn't going to help in their family.

Reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you talk to the other sibling? They might think the Helpful Sibling is doing too much, taking on too much, stepped in when it wasn't 100% needed. Some siblings want to step in more than others at early stages.

Yes, everyone has talked with the unhelpful sibling—as a group, and individually.

Nobody stepped in too early/when help wasn’t needed.

The most helpful sibling isn’t controlling or doing anything that isn’t necessary.

I guess we are just stumped as to how the unhelpful sibling can justify leaving the work to the rest of us. I’m trying to get them involved and to realize they might be cut out from the family. At some point I won’t be able to fix things for the unhelpful one. I’m sad that the kids/cousins will be impacted by this.

If you don’t want to do the work, then don’t. No one is forcing you to. Threatening to “cut them from the family” just makes you a bunch of bullies.

I don’t think you understand the reality.

When all the siblings are routinely talking to each other to coordinate care, check on grandma, and help each other out, there is a natural connection and support system. When you abdicate all responsibilities and always say you can’t help, then people stop asking…even your siblings.

I’m trying to get the unhelpful one to do something…anything…so they aren’t labeled the jerk who doesn’t appreciate all we are doing and refuses to help.

I’ll have zero control over invitations to my helpful sibling’s vacation home. Since they are the primary caregiver, they’ll have grandma. Since the helpful siblings are routinely helping out and in regular communication—not to mention stepping in to provide respite care—we will end up together.

It’s human nature to be mad at your selfish sibling who won’t help you when you ask and are constantly told no.

I guess the moral of the story is to not be a jerk? Pitch in and help. Don’t abandon your loved ones and expect them to treat you well.

I haven’t given up yet. I’m still hoping they will come around.

I can report my kids notice that the unhelpful one is MIA. It’s that obvious. At least my kids are learning a valuable lesson: treat others the way you want to be treated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you talk to the other sibling? They might think the Helpful Sibling is doing too much, taking on too much, stepped in when it wasn't 100% needed. Some siblings want to step in more than others at early stages.

Yes, everyone has talked with the unhelpful sibling—as a group, and individually.

Nobody stepped in too early/when help wasn’t needed.

The most helpful sibling isn’t controlling or doing anything that isn’t necessary.

I guess we are just stumped as to how the unhelpful sibling can justify leaving the work to the rest of us. I’m trying to get them involved and to realize they might be cut out from the family. At some point I won’t be able to fix things for the unhelpful one. I’m sad that the kids/cousins will be impacted by this.

If you don’t want to do the work, then don’t. No one is forcing you to. Threatening to “cut them from the family” just makes you a bunch of bullies.

This is really impossible to do unless you are completely heartless. I am the closest sibling and when I get called by the assisted living our mother called and is in the ER it’s tough to ignore. It’s also tough to ignore when the old person can’t see because they broke their glasses and need to go to the optometrist, they need to update hearing aids, pharmacy calls about medication, when it’s their birthday and they want you to visit,, etc.

One sibling does nothing. He lives an hour plane ride away and has not visited once in 4 years. He doesn’t bring his tween aged kids to visit either. He doesn’t help out in any way. He has the money to fly in the morning rent a car visit his mother and fly home that night. I am so resentful that I no longer wish to have any relationship with him, his wife or kids. It is completely unfair that I got stuck with our mother when I was never close to her. He used to tell her she could live with him. She has Alzheimer’s and now his kids will never know their grandmother. Meanwhile my teens and husband pick up the slack.

So what are you talking about that people like me are bullies? People who let a sibling do all the work are the selfish a-holes.

[Anonymous]

Is Unhelpful Sibling a brother?

Whatever the case, they are choosing to forego future relationships with the other siblings. Which might be fine with them, especially if it's a brother and SIL is not really down with her husband being so connected with his family of origin. I have seen this a lot.

If it's a sister, I would guess she doesn't feel the same way about the parent or the other siblings.

Either way, they are choosing to not being tied up with the family of origin. And are selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you talk to the other sibling? They might think the Helpful Sibling is doing too much, taking on too much, stepped in when it wasn't 100% needed. Some siblings want to step in more than others at early stages.

Yes, everyone has talked with the unhelpful sibling—as a group, and individually.

Nobody stepped in too early/when help wasn’t needed.

The most helpful sibling isn’t controlling or doing anything that isn’t necessary.

I guess we are just stumped as to how the unhelpful sibling can justify leaving the work to the rest of us. I’m trying to get them involved and to realize they might be cut out from the family. At some point I won’t be able to fix things for the unhelpful one. I’m sad that the kids/cousins will be impacted by this.

If you don’t want to do the work, then don’t. No one is forcing you to. Threatening to “cut them from the family” just makes you a bunch of bullies.

This is really impossible to do unless you are completely heartless. I am the closest sibling and when I get called by the assisted living our mother called and is in the ER it’s tough to ignore. It’s also tough to ignore when the old person can’t see because they broke their glasses and need to go to the optometrist, they need to update hearing aids, pharmacy calls about medication, when it’s their birthday and they want you to visit,, etc.

One sibling does nothing. He lives an hour plane ride away and has not visited once in 4 years. He doesn’t bring his tween aged kids to visit either. He doesn’t help out in any way. He has the money to fly in the morning rent a car visit his mother and fly home that night. I am so resentful that I no longer wish to have any relationship with him, his wife or kids. It is completely unfair that I got stuck with our mother when I was never close to her. He used to tell her she could live with him. She has Alzheimer’s and now his kids will never know their grandmother. Meanwhile my teens and husband pick up the slack.

So what are you talking about that people like me are bullies? People who let a sibling do all the work are the selfish a-holes.

+1

I hope all the people who abandon their elderly parents one day have kids who abandon them. Then maybe they’ll realize how they screwed up.

[Anonymous]

Honestly if this were my family I’d probably write off the selfish sibling as well. Caregiving sucks but unless you want to completely abandon your loved one with strangers and hope for the best it’s a necessity. To have another sibling local who has comparable family situations to everyone else who can carve out time would be completely unacceptable to me. I wouldn’t tolerate it and would happily cut them out. Life is too short. You reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is Unhelpful Sibling a brother?

Whatever the case, they are choosing to forego future relationships with the other siblings. Which might be fine with them, especially if it's a brother and SIL is not really down with her husband being so connected with his family of origin. I have seen this a lot.

If it's a sister, I would guess she doesn't feel the same way about the parent or the other siblings.

Either way, they are choosing to not being tied up with the family of origin. And are selfish.

Not OP but the deadbeat sibling is a brother and I think his wife is fine with him never having a relationship with his family of origin. It is sad for his kids who don't know their cousins and never will. The deadbeat brother seems to be in denial because he doesn't listen when I say how stressful it is. I no longer take his calls and our other sibling texted him a strongly worded message how disappointing it is he is acting like this because we weren't raised to abandon family. That sibling has 100% completely cut out the deadbeat sibling. I have tried for 6 years to be the intermediary but now I am done and am writing off the deadbeat sibling. If I never see him again in my life or talk to him I really don't care.